Unsolicited and Crazy Parenting Advice

The BBQ Pit
1

What is it this week? First I had to put the baby in day care for an hour while I had physical therapy. I told them she would probably be tired and cranky by the time I was done - she can only stay awake for 1.5 to 2 hours at a time, so no matter when I schedule my one hour appointment, she’s likely to be tired by the end of it. I nursed her right before, she had a clean diaper, I did the best I could. So she was crying as my session wound down, and I went to get her.

Babysitter: You can sit here to nurse her if you want.
Me: Thanks, but I think she’s just tired.
Babysitter: Here, why don’t you try nursing her.
Me: OK, maybe it’s worth trying. kid refuses, continues to cry Yeah, she’s just really tired.
Babysitter: Maybe next time you could bring a bottle for her.
Me: JESUS CHRIST, SHE IS NOT HUNGRY, SHE’S FUCKING TIRED! This child came out of my body, and I have taken care of her every day for six months, I think I have a freakin clue what might be bothering her!
(Of course I only said that last part in my head.)
(Oh, and I got her into the car and she fell asleep in literally 30 seconds.)

So that was a little annoying. But this one takes the cake.

My MIL came to watch the kids and wanted to take them to the park. I warned her that Claire was kind of tired and would need to nap within about 45 minutes. When I came back home from my errands, she told me she had taken them to the park anyway, but they didn’t get to stay long, because Claire got upset. She was upset because there were black people at the park. Not because she was tired and overstimulated. It was definitely because there were two black men doing landscaping work at the park, and seeing them made her cry. I just flat out said, “I think you’re projecting.” And tried not to laugh too much.

This is the same woman who constantly tells us to jam food into our kid. Colic? Give her solids. Sleep disturbance? Put cereal in a bottle. Rice cereal gave her a belly ache? It’s not that she’s not ready for food, it’s that we tried the wrong kind of rice cereal. And so on. Meanwhile, she shows no inkling that her son’s current obesity, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol might just have a tiny bit to do with the fact that when he was two months (!) old, she started shoving food into him like he was a foie gras goose.

Oh, and she’s a dietician.

I know y’all will have some great stories about this topic. Bring 'em on - I’m in the mood to commiserate.

2

If I didn’t know better, I would swear your MIL was my mother.

Now is the time for you to learn how to placate people and then roll your eyes at them when their back is turned. People are going to give you advice no matter what. There is absolutely no way you can stop it. If you locked yourself in a panic room with your baby for the next 20 years, someone would still figure out a way to get child rearing advice in there.

Once you accept that there is no way to avoid the unsolicited adivce, you can start learning how to mitigate it a little bit.
Some of my tried and true -
“Really? I have never heard of doing that before. I will keep it in mind.”
“That worked for you? Ok, I will keep it in mind.”
“That’s an interesting solution, I am so glad it worked for you.”

Most people just want to think they are helping. I found it was just easier to go along with it. Later if they asked if I tried their advice I would just say that whatever the issue I had, it had been resolved and I didn’t get a chance to try their solution.
Occasionally, something someone told me actually worked! Who knew putting the baby in the car seat and then putting the car seat on the dryer while it was running would sooth her enough to get her to sleep?!
It is not going to be as easy with the MIL as it is with strangers. I moved 900 miles away from my mother and even that didn’t totally stop her.

3

Moving away from the in-laws never stops them. I keep getting parenting advice from India. Oh, well - the advice I get from them isn’t completely nutty, but sometimes a little outdated. I’d say the weirdest advice I get from strangers (not surprising).

Example: I got chewed out by the pharmacist at a nearby Target for having the temerity to suggest the possibility of rubbing a topical on my son who had a horrible heat rash. I’d used corn starch, cool baths, taking off all his clothes and by the end of it, I had a two-year-old ice cube who looked ready to go into the wok. He was miserable, so I thought, “Hey, I can ask the pharmacist his opinion. These packages say they can be used for kids two and up, but I want to make sure that’s actually safe and my pediatrician’s on vacation.” So I stopped by, thinking that he’d probably say that we were doing what we should be, and that would be that and I’d go home sans topical, but it was worth a try and I needed stuff there anyway. Instead I got some asshole telling me what a bad parent I was. I really didn’t need that after getting an hour and a half of sleep and waking next to a little boy who slept as peacefully as a landed trout and and was covered in scratches.

abbeytxs has it right - it’s important now to learn to filter. There will be some nuggets of valuable advice, but you can only do what works for you.

4

Commiseration? I’ve got commiseration.
Two years and one month ago we made the mistake of going on a camping vacation to the beach with a 2.5yr old and an 8mo old. My mother, father, and brother were also there at a camp site across the road. “It’ll be great!” pitched my mother prior to the trip. “I’ll watch the girls, you and your husband can go out for dinner one night. You’ll get to relax, we’ll get to play with our grandchildren!”
sigh
It was such a nice idea in theory.

The week arrived and it was 110degF out. The camping trip was miserable. The whole week was miserable. It was too hot to shlep to the beach, too hot to sit on the beach even in the shade. It was too hot to breathe. The campground had no electricity so we didn’t have so much as a fan. The flies were biting. It only went down to 85 at night, so sleeping was terrible. The only people having fun were the girls, who appeared mostly unbothered by the heat and were on a grand adventure.

As the week rolled on it became apparent that my mother with her grand ideas of watching the girls, couldn’t hang. Her kids were 9 years apart, and her toddler/infant days were long behind her. I asked her if she would watch the girls for 30 minutes while my husband and I ran to get ice for the coolers. She said she would, then changed her mind. My husband came looking for me, and I told him to go on without me as I was on baby duty (our lighthearted term for who was watching the girls). My mother changed her mind again and said to go ahead, so I went. The toddler was playing, the baby was fed, all was fine.

Thirty minutes later I came back to find my mother standing in the middle of the road with a crying baby. The minute I steped out of the car, she thrust my youngest at me, yelling for all the campground to hear, “Baby duty?! Honey, if you didn’t want to have baby duty then YOU NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAD KIDS!”

Apparently if you’re going to leave your child for half an hour, you’re better off just not having kids at all.

What I learned later is that after I left the baby got fussy and my mother didn’t know how to to calm her down and so decided that I should have taken her to the store with me. How I was to predict this was beyond me.

Yeah, two years later and I’m still a little bitter. I’ve forgiven, but not forgotten.

5

My first kid was born on 7/28, so I’m just joining this world.

I’ve had somebody tell me that they read this book about locking your newborn in her or her room for 12 hours in order to get him to sleep through the night. I asked which book he was referring to. “I’ll send you a copy” was the response. It’s been several weeks. No book, despite a couple follow-ups.

Where is the ORLY? smiley when you need it. I’m tired of using the green rolleyes one.

6

I got fussed at for not having my 10 year old son in a car seat.

He’s above the age, height and weight requirements and is in middle school.

But I was told that I just wasn’t taking the safest option. I guess he should still be in a crib too.

7

I’d be tempted to follow up with a CPS person - newborns don’t need to be left in soiled clothing and unfed for 12 hours at a time. It’s neglect and abuse.

8

Too bad whoever told you that doesn’t know what the hell he or she is talking about.

We’re having a kid in December and I’m going to be the work-at-home dad. I expect to be a big advice target from meddling moms who think that I don’t know shit. I especially expect this since it’s likely my parenting style will be less “hands on” than many of the moms’ style I see. Let the good times roll.

9

Congratulations!

My bet for the book is either Ezzo or Weissbluth. They both need to be kicked in the crotch - hard. (Though to be fair, I don’t think Weissbluth recommends “extinction” for newborns.)

Solfy, that camping trip sounds like hell. FWIW, we use the term “baby duty” too, with no negative subtext. Your mom doesn’t sound like a born nurturer. Reminds me of confessing to my mom with my first baby that I was overwhelmed and depressed, and “I just can’t deal with this.” Her response was, “You just have to - you’re a mother!!!” Thanks for the empathy, Ma.

overlyverbose, I obviously don’t know your exact situation, but when the older one had a nasty rash from drooling constantly, around 5 months old, the doc said it’s fine to use OTC Cortaid on her.

abbeytxs, I love “That’s an interesting solution - I’m glad it worked for you.” Excellent verbal judo there!

10

I got the breastfeeding lecture from a stranger while bottlefeeding my son - who is adopted and not the same race I am.

11

If I had a quarter for every time my mom has suggested, either subtly or overtly, that 1) maybe I should go breastfeed somewhere else “a little more discreet where you’ll be more comfortable” (i.e., where I won’t be embarrassing her), or 2) co-sleeping with the kids was probably going to either kill them in their sleep or, if they miraculously managed somehow to survive, make them want to keep sleeping with us until their teen years… well, I’d have a good start on the college fund.

And speaking of breastfeeding… Whatsit, Jr. got very, very sick with MRSA pneumonia when he was 1 month old. (It was during the Winter of Our Missed Content, or you would all have been subjected to the gory details at the time.) He was hospitalized and for a time we didn’t think he would make it. Someone on a parenting message board I go to suggested that breastfed kids never get sick. I offered up my own experience as a counterexample. She said something to the effect of, “Oh, well, sometimes the mother’s nutrition can be a factor. Not all breastmilk is created equal” - in effect implying that my baby wouldn’t have got sick if I could have just kept from CRAMMING MYSELF FULL OF JUNK FOOD ALL DAY LONG.

Sometimes I hate people.

12

Your first kid is 80 years old? I’m thinking you must be getting ready to leave this world… :smiley:

13

Unauthorized Cinnamon, I think you’re just a little cranky because you’re tired. You should have a nap maybe. Or perhaps some cheese and crackers. Maybe you’re hungry. Have some of this food. No, really, have some… Please… No, I insist. Have some food and a nap.

14

It’s possible you’ll avoid this kind of stuff. My wife is a SAHM during the week, and I take care of our 1-year old on weekends when she works. She tells me all sorts of horror stories about unsolicited advice (“That baby should be wearing socks!”, “Um, it’s 80 degrees out…”), but on the weekends, I get none of that. Our theory is that most meddlers don’t really expect much from a dad, they just figure he’s taking care of the baby for a short while until mom gets back, so there’s no point trying to give him any advice. :rolleyes:

Oh, and congrats on the soon-to-be Ybab Renob!

15

I can’t breastfeed. I have…issues…that I need medication for. It’s hard enough to stop the meds and go to something else when I am pregnant, which is part of the reason I am having mine so close together. I want to get pregnancy out of the way and spend the rest of my life stable, thankyewverymuch.

And yet I hear the breastfeeding lecture everywhere. My child will be sickly. He won’t be as smart as yours. He’s not as bonded. I could find another medication. I appreciate that more people are aware of the benefits of breastfeeding and are passionate about it, but the rhetoric surrounding the subject is just insane. You’d think I was feeding my child battery acid.

People also can’t seem to wrap their heads around the fact that I am not pushing solids on him. He’s almost eight months old, and he’s having few day periods where he’s not interested in solids. I don’t push it. He’ll take them again when he’s ready. I don’t want to send the message that it’s important to eat even when you have no desire to do so. Well, that means I’m killing him. I went to visit my Grandmere during one of these solids strikes and will never forget her frenzied scream. “He has to have SOMETHING!!!”
He does, Grandmere. He has his bottles. Chill. Food is not the solution to every ill. And people wonder where the obesity problem comes from.
Between the formula, the no solid strikes, and my insistence on vaccinating, it’s apparently amazing he’s lived this long.

16

My daughter didn’t eat any solids until she was 13 months. I was getting a little concerned, but her pediatrician said she was was growing and thriving, so I didn’t push it. At 13 months she went from turning up her nose at solids to eating almost nothing else.

Now she is a happy healthy 1st grader. And cute as a button!

17

Not so much advice, but one time my sister (who has two kids) looked at me (with family around) and said “You’re not a real parent unless you have more than one child.”

I completely lost it.

18

My wife, who plans on breastfeeding the kid at least while she’s on maternity leave, gets the opposite – her family and others give her a hard time for planning on doing it. So it seems you’ll get crap no matter what you do.

KidScruffy, I hope you’re right that I’ll avoid the unsolicited advice. Sometimes the soft bigotry of low expectations works for you.

19

Oh boy where to start. I had the bipolar crazies. My mother was of the opinion I was too soft, while the mother in law thought I was too harsh. No matter what the topic, they couldn’t agree. If the kid was crying, he was either a brat or was hurt in their eyes. Some memorable advice:

Mom (may she have found peace finally):
You coddle him too much. Let him cry. Spank him if he doesn’t stop crying. :rolleyes: (We loved that gem.)

That colic shit? Doctors make that up to make you go in and pay the co-pay. Just give him a bottle. If he pukes, wait 20 mins and then give him another bottle.

I didn’t burn my bra for you to breastfeed. Forumla is fine. (little did I know she never gave the bottles I pumped)

The teething fallback: Dip your finger in a shot of whiskey and give it to him. Do that until he falls asleep. (me thinks she used beer back in the day for me)

He’s 3, of course he can sit in the backseat with a seatbelt on. You and your brothers used to hang out the back window of the station wagon, and you’re still here! I put him in a seatbelt! (car seat was left in the house, and she was offended when I freaked out)

He’s 2 he should be in a bed and not a crib. You were in a bed at 1 year. (and I had the sprained/broken arms, hands, fingers, wrists to prove it!)

Pfft! No one is allergic to peanuts. If they think so, it’s all in their head. Doctors don’t know shit. (that was actually her mantra)

It’s just sun! He doesn’t need all that crap on him! He’ll look great with a tan! He’ll smell like a girl! (sunscreen with that yummy coconut smell)

What do you mean you are putting him in daycare?!? I’m his Nana!! I can take care of him better than they can! They’ll make him a sissy!
Mother in law (may she rest in peace):

If you don’t hand make his clothes, he’ll think you don’t love him.

You bought that blanket? Do you realize stuff made in (anywhere but USA) is sprayed with stuff that causes cancer in babies?

You don’t carry him enough. There’s nothing wrong with him sitting on your hip during the day (he was 4). They are only that age once!

He’s too young to clean his room/pick up after himself/do anything other than play [and look cute]. (explains why my 40 year old husband comes close to death by dirty sock strangulation on a daily basis)

I think he has <insert deadly disease of the month> you should take him to the doctor.

What do you mean he’s going to daycare?! I’m his Grandma! I can take care of him better than they can! He’ll be exposed to so many germs there!

I loved them both, but it was a sure good thing to move 1300 miles away.

20

You absolutely get crap for parenting no matter what choices you make. My mom thought that even considering breastfeeding was disgusting, but when my milk didn’t come in appropriately, the breastfeeding nazis came out in force and told me I wasn’t trying hard enough.

Then when our son got sick and we had to co-sleep to make sure he got his breathing treatments when he needed them, we got so much crap, either because we didn’t co-sleep sooner or because we were co-sleeping at all (the former was considered neglect, the latter a combination of spoiling, neglectful and abusive), from everyone but our pediatrician that after a while I automatically started to tune out everyone else but the pediatrician, my husband and my son.

As far as I’m concerned, as long as you’re not endangering your kid’s life or abusing him/her (i.e., appropriately responding to needs and taking normal precautions), the only people whose opinion matters is the mother’s, the father’s and the kid(s) unless advice is actually requested.