best profession for picking up people in a bar

[Arnold Winkelried]

So what is the best profession to have when you're in a bar trying to start a new relationship? (Those days are long gone for me, I'm a married man now, but I thought I would let others profit from my flash of brilliance ).

It came to me the other day when reading the newspaper. This is the job that is guaranteed to make you irresistible to your targeted prey:

Governer of the state of Tabasco.
Justification (my discussion will be based upon the premise that you're trying to impress a woman since that's my sexual bias)

• First of all, you're a governor, which is a position of formidable political power, and as we know, power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. You are in a position to decide the fate of prisoners, have parking tickets fixed, help with building contracts, do favours for someone's cousin, etc... What could be better? On the other hand, you're not so important that you have to have 20 security guards following you everywhere, which would make quiet romantic week-ends in Acapulco problematic.
• You're from a latin country, which adds an exotic touch (for those of you not from Mexico) and the latin lover has a great reputation. Tall dark and handsome, people eat that stuff up.
• Tabasco has many wonderful connotations: IMHO it's a funny-sounding name, so by unconscious association it indicates to people you have a sense of humour, always a plus. Also it reminds people of breakfast time on a lazy week-end, for many people their favourite time of the day, and breakfast is also associated with many pleasant childhood memories, so all in all this creates a warm pleasant glow.

If I had been governor of Tabasco I would have had to beat women off with a stick! Maybe in my next life.

[monkeylucifer]

My buddy Wayne used to tell the ladies that he designed roller coasters. His theory was that it was such an unusual career that it would always spark some interesting conversations, but I always stuck with the truth...call me and old-fasioned-fuddy-duddy if you will, but that's just how I am.

[Enderw24]

Drummer for Pink Floyd.

Think about it. The band is cool, it means you're super rich, and there isn't a single person on the planet who knows who this guy is. If the girl's been to PF's concerts, there's a good chance they were literally 150 yards away from the stage and so completely trashed they wouldn't know if a blue gnome with their aunt's face was making all that noise up there.
Heck, the drum set completely surrounds the guy. So while they can't tell exactly who he is, they'll know that he's both athletic and nimble with impecable timing and great manual dexterity.
For added realism, start making crap up. "You know our CD Animals? It's timed perfectly to the third episode of teletubbies."
and "Originally we were called Patrick O'Flannigan, after the main character in Ivanhoe." Don't worry about being called on this one. No one's ever read Ivanhoe either.

The more of this I type, the more I convince myself it might actually work...

[Torgo]

Well I've been sporting that "Offical Tanline Inspector" hat for years now and I haven't gotten SQUAT!

[El_Kabong]

Where I come from, being a lead guitarist in a local band was the only thing that seemed to work consistently.

Otherwise, something that involves saving the lives of cute, furry little animals in dramatic fashion, perhaps.

I've used the Tom Waits line "labor organizer in a maternity ward", without notable success.

Finally, from my personal experience, Mud Logger is one job title that definitely does NOT impress.

[Mofo Rising]

One of those guy magazines, I forget which one (Maxim, Stuff, FHM), has a regular article which gives you tips to fake a profession while picking up women at bars. Things like test pilot, or emergency room doctor. I suppose you could try that out.

[NicePete]

The drummer for Pink Floyd is Nick Mason. I've known this for at least 20 years.

I think I have his solo album, fer god's sake.

[Montfort]

What, Arnold, it's not being a moderator on the SDMB?

Why the hell do we hold you folks in such high regard, then?

[jk1245]

Obviously, it's being a Navy fighter pilot.

Just sing "You've lost that loving feeling" and you can pick up Kelly McGillis!!

[poohpah chalupa]

Professional Wrestler or Crane Operator.

[lolagranola]

I actually found that the best profession for picking up people in a bar was being the bartender. I used to have my pick of the professions then.

[Montfort]

Originally posted by Frankd6
The drummer for Pink Floyd is Nick Mason. I've known this for at least 20 years.

I think I have his solo album, fer god's sake.

What about the lead guitarist of the Five Americans?

[Crunchy Frog]

My old job used to work very, very well.

Military Intelligence.

It automatically conjured James Bondian images of running around exotic locations in a tux while saving the world from some maniac's evil plan. In truth, it was a lot of going over phone transcripts and satellite pix trying to find any little bit of info that may be there. Very boring, but the general public doesn't know this thanks to Ian Flemming.

God bless Ian Flemming!

[Crunchy Frog]

Originally posted by Montfort
What about the lead guitarist of the Five Americans?

The Five who?
















{sorry, I had to do that)

[thinksnow]

Up until a while ago, you probably could've said you were the CEO of a e-commerce venture and had mild success. Now, though, they'd prob'ly shy away from you like you had scurvy.

I came up with an idea for a friend of mine. We had business cards printed up listing him as a producer for the Springer show. He'd hand these out like candy and people loved it. Everyone wants to know if the folks on the show are really that trashy, if it's fake, etc. He got the fame of the show without the stupidity of the participants. I almost think I should have done it, but I never actually watched the show, so I don't think I could've pulled it off.

[tshirts]

High tech jobs don't impress certain women (go figger ) so if the small talk has turned up some rude jabs at "nerds" I won't admit my real job. I wing it with these.

I don't work. I have a trust fund.

I'm a fashion photographer for ____ (any local paper). Said as I conspicuously consider her face, like a talent scout.

I'm a astronaut. (If she doesn't laugh, she's too dumb to waste buying a drink for.)

[Rich G7subs]

When I was in the service,the Fighter pilot schtick worked pretty well.I was only busted once. The "target" asked me where I was stationed,adding that her father was flight surgeon for the base and asked if I knew him. "BUSTED"

[andygirl]

Never tested this, but I think that if I walked into a bar and announced that I'm a lesbian, I might have a few guys lining up...

[Johnny Angel]

Thief. I've read several criminal autobiographies in which apparently the subjects found great success with women if they let on that they were thieves.

[Carina42]

andygirl...you're probably right! You'd have to listen to the "I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body" line over & over again, though.

I have had mostly "guy" jobs (OTR truckdriver, painting contractor, seabee) over the years, and this seems to fascinate men. Never had any problems meeting men in bars & so on, back in the day when I used to do that.

Or maybe it's just 'cause I'm cute & have big boobs.

[Arnold Winkelried]

Montfort - being a moderator at the SDMB only works well at Mensa meetings. I kinda liked Enderw23's suggestion except that of course it was spoiled by Frankd6.

I have another idea though (obviously not as good as the OP): voice talent cast director for the Simpsons. No one knows who that is, and you can dangle in front of them the promise that they can make a voice appearance as Bart Simpsons's new girlfriend.

[Badtz Maru]

Drug dealer.

[Dangerosa]

Around here, we describe a certain kind of bar as "the kind of place where the best pickup line is 'when I was in law school....'"

Of course, the bar down the street the best pickup line is "when I was in prison..." so it probably depends a lot on the bar.

[Coldfire]

A friend of mine studied in Zaragoza for a year, and always tried to pull the "I'm a Dutch F-16 pilot" schtick. Worked like a charm, until he tried it on one particularly handsome Spanish lady, whose boyfriend turned out to be an F-16 pilot. He also turned out to be standing next to her, and was immediately all over him with all sorts of technical questions that aren't exactly covered in FlightSimulator 2.0

Double bummer.

Nick Mason, crap as he may be, is well known enough. That wouldn't work. Talk about a guy who met the right people at the right time though. Isn't this known as the Ringo Starr Syndrome? No talent, right friends.

I'm guessing that Formula One driver might actually turn some of the wimmins on. Right, ladies?

[Ukulele Ike]

Yeah, right. If you told women in bars that you were the drummer for Pink Floyd, they'd probably offer to stand you to a Geritol.

Here, let me sing you a little song...

To please both my parents
I've had to give over
And dance with the doctors and merchants and lawyers
Their manners are fine
But their feet are unsure
So I'd much rather dance with my Log Driver!

For he goes twirling, twirling down white water
That's how the Log Driver learns to step lightly
In twirling, twirling down the river
The Log Driver's Waltz pleases girls completely.

[Zumba The Cat]

I once had a man in a bar try to pick me and two of my friends up by saying that he was a school teacher on Dawson's Creek. He could have been since Dawson's Creek is filmed in my town. But, I don't know why a 55 year old man would think that would enable him to pick up three 23 year old women even if it were true.

I have never been easy to pick up in a bar, but Moderator of SDMB would be very likely to catch my attention.

[waterj2]

Claiming to be the drummer for Pink Floyd isn't really going to work. However, you could always claim to be one of the several musicians that tour with them. From the liner notes for Pulse which was from their last tour in '95, these people are:

Sam Brown - Backing Vocals
Jon Carin - Keyboards, Vocals
Claudia Fontaine - Backing Vocals
Durga McBroom - Backing Vocals
Dick Parry - Saxophones
Guy Pratt - Bass, Vocals
Tim Renwick - Guitars, Vocals
Gary Wallis - Percussion

As for Nick Mason's alleged lack of talent, what about his excellent leading vocal in "One of these Days"?

[Zebra]

Originally posted by andygirl
Never tested this, but I think that if I walked into a bar and announced that I'm a lesbian, I might have a few guys lining up...

Well if you were a professional lesbian.....



But I'll go with weight lifter.



(I have never picked up any one in a bar. I was picked up and dropped once though)

[Enderw24]

Yeeeeeees, Nick Mason is 54 years old and probably wouldn't be picking up college girls.

And yeeeeeees, many people know the name Nick Mason.

and yeeeeeeeeeeeeees, many people will realize that you're not Nick Mason.


However, most people won't. Hey, I'm all for this fighting ignorance thing, but I'm kinda thinking that when I step into a bar, all bets are off. More to the point, perpetuating ignorance is good.

I figure that if the girl I tell it to doesn't realize that there's no possible way a person who was born over a decade after the band started touring could possibly be in the band...well, I can't really be blamed for my fib, can I?

[Coldfire]

Originally posted by Enderw23
there's no possible way a person who was born over a decade after the band started touring could possibly be in the band...

I take it you never heard of the Rolling Stones, huh?

[Little Nemo]

P.J. O'Rourke once wrote that the ideal career for picking up women was war journalist (which was his job at the time). It combines the machoness of war with the intellectualism of journalism. You get credited with being a hero for exposing yourself to danger without the possible negative connotations for killing people. Your travel experiences gives you a combination of the exotic with the familiar and a "ships that pass in the night" allure (along with an excuse for not calling regularly). And it's easy to fake: all you need is a subscription to Newsweek and a few generic anecdotes you can revise to fit some recent war.

[bashere]

I had a friend who would answer "superhero" when people asked what he did for a living. It worked for him (and sounded better than "computer programmer"). He was annoying that way.

I used to tell people I was running for saint. Gave out "get out of hell free" cards and everything. That didn't work.

No idea what real profession would work...

[andygirl]

Originally posted by Zebra

Well if you were a professional lesbian.....

I am.

[Zebra]

Originally posted by andygirl

I am.

Did you used to be an amature? Who much do you make a year? Are the benifits good? When you are on vacation are you hetero?

[ThisYearsGirl]

Originally posted by Little Nemo
P.J. O'Rourke once wrote that the ideal career for picking up women was war journalist (which was his job at the time).

A war journalist would win me over in a second, no question. I'd also be swooning if he said "You know, I've won an Oscar." Even though I hate the Oscars and I can't think of the last time I agreed with them, and even if the guy said he won it for sound effecrs editing, I'd be so impressed.

[kasuo]

Two words: freelance gynecologist.

[Arnold Winkelried]

An Oscar? I would ask for at least a Tony. The Oscars are so... common.

[Ukulele Ike]

"Hey! A major media award! Awwwwwwwwwww...it's a Grammy!"

[The Devil's Grandmother]

The trouble with this OP is that you need a job title that implies:
1) You have a lot of money, and you will continue to have money
2) You have time to spend with pickupee (so doctors, lawyers and computer programmers are out)
3) A very low sleaze factor (no politicians, used car sales men, etc...)
4) A Non-violent job, preferably dealing with something helpless, to prove you are a kind caring person. (hummm....social workers/teachers don’t make enough money to live in my area)
5) Implies intelligence or at least some amount of post-graduate school (no models, actors or musicians need apply.....yes, I know music takes work but many people don’t)

and is still romantic and exciting......

The only think that I can think of that qualifies is a veterinarian. I can come up with some 3 out of 5, but the money thing is a real problem.

Perhaps this is why I’m such a flop at picking up guys at parties.

[tracer]

How about "professional pick-up artist"?

[Nacho4Sara]

A war jounalist would have me in a minute.

[Ura-Maru]

A friend of mine back in MA was a technician on fighter jets. That seemed like a pretty good deal in the pick-up game. You get the macho grease-monkey angle, but without the "low class" implications that some people assign to that.
You also get the macho military angle with (relativly) low risk, and as you don't fight people directly, is less likly to scare people off. And it implies education without geekyness or poverty, which is basically the goal. If you pick up some artistic hobby, you've pretty much got all the angles covered.


For women, I'm not sure. Money's a bit less important, so maybe something a bit arty, but not pretentious. Architect would be ideal, I think, though some kind of graphic or industrial design would do almost as well.

Architect works for either gender, now that I think of it.

--
"It's the worlds most hated profession. Except for pre-op groin shaver."

[tracer]

Then again, you could throw pretense to the wind and just say you were a professional D&D player.

"Hey, babe, what's your alignment?"

[andygirl]

Originally posted by Zebra

Did you used to be an amature? Who much do you make a year? Are the benifits good? When you are on vacation are you hetero?

1) Yes. Then I took the graduate course. (Amazingly early, if I do say so myself.) I was certified soon after.

2) That is measured in TOI (Toaster Oven Increments.) Basically, whenever you convert someone to the dark side, you recieve a toaster oven. These are upgradable. Right now I'm working on the chateau in the South of France. (Only three more!)

3) There's dental, but they don't pay for my glasses. There's a movement to correct this.

4) Professional lesbians are expected to conduct themselves professionally wherever they go. It's so much more than an occupation.

[DRY]

Well, maybe not now that he's dead...

[seriousart]

Telling the girls I was an artist was always good.
Infinately more interesting than a lot of jobs I've heard described over the loud thump of a club's sound system.

Me: So what do you do?

Her: Well, I coordinate a system... :thump thump thump: processing the data into... :thump thump thump: summing the information... :thump thump thump: in conjunction with...
about 60 hours a week. You?:thump thump thump:

Me: Im an artist. :thump thump thump:

Her: Really? What kinda art? :thump thump thump:

ME: I'm a cartoonist. :thump thump thump:

Her: A what? :thump thump thump:

Me: Cartoonist! I draw pictures of talking cats and whatnot. :thump thump thump:

Her: Um, neat. I see my friend, gotta go. Bye!

:thump thump thump::thump thump thump::thump thump thump:


Note: I said it was interesting, not effective.