It’s funny how life sometimes parallels discussions I’ve been following on the Dope… I’ve been reading the thread “Can I Date a High Schooler” and I now find myself smack dab in the middle of a young girl, older boy problem of my very own. Long text follows.
I have a 20 year old roommate who left home when she was 15. Of the five kids in her family, both her and her brother left at that age. Two girls are 10 and 12 right now, so they aren’t an issue. However, her sister is 16 and about two months back decided she would leave home too. I won’t go into the details, but the family history should be suggestive in itself that this is a highly disfunctional family. My roommate is remarkably unscarred and put together, but I think she’s one of those girls that reacted to a chaotic and emotionally abusive environment by becoming hyper efficient, controlled and successful.
So, sister helped the 16 year old move out into an apartment of her own, but it wasn’t working out. She approached me, and I agreed to let the 16 year old stay with us. For the last two months, she’s been absolutely fine. She’s paid her rent, kept the place clean, even bought herself a laptop so she could do online education high school (she had dropped out). I got her set up with a counsellor at the local high risk kids school, and she was all set to start school again in January. Then, a week ago, she went awol. Three days in, after calling her work and trying to track her down, sister finally got a hold of her and read her the riot act for her behaviour, she promised to check in with us when she was away from home. Then, two and half more days go by, and no word. This time, her sister is just pissed but not worried, but I’m freaking out because we have had no contact at all so I decide to dive in and track her down. I call her work - she hasn’t shown up for two days, no calls, no nothing. She’s left her cell phone at home, so I access it to call her friends -no one has heard from her. Sister checks her text messages, and lo and behold, we discover the problem.
She’s met a boy.
Specifically, a 22 year old man that she used to work with.
She showed up again yesterday - her friends had called her parents and started a massive man hunt around town to find her, including a call to the cops. I got her alone before her sister came home and had a very calm, collected conversation with her (her sister would not have been able to do this, it would have devolved into a giant shouting fest and we wouldn’t have figured out what had happened). I explained that she was acting irresponsibly, that she needed to check in with us, and advised her that she needed to respect the rules of the house. She responded by telling me that she has decided to move in with the boy. After all, she worked with him for nearly a year for a shift a week, and started dating him over a week ago, so clearly this is a long-term relationship destined for success!
I don’t have much experience with teenagers, so I probably reacted in a poor way… but I told her that I wasn’t her mother, so I couldn’t tell her what to do. However, I have become close to her in the last two months, so I felt obligated to tell her the truth. And that the truth is, she is making a stupid decision. One that comes with consequences she is not emotionally prepared for. This is her first boyfriend, btw… as of a week ago, she hadn’t even kissed a boy. Then, I let her leave for her workplace, where she was going to beg for her job back. I told her I would talk to her sister. She hasn’t come back home, so I assume she went to the boys place and is now staying there.
Ok, phew, that was a mouth full… Here are my imho questions.
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What is my level of responsibility here? I agreed to let the girl move in because my roommate asked me to, but she is not my family member, nor do I have any relationship with her sister beyond that of a roommate. I have known her for two months.
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Do I call her parents? If so, how much do I tell them? I don’t know where this guy lives, so I can’t give them her address. Given that she has a dysfunctional relationship with her parents, is this a good idea? I’m of the opinion that her home life, however crappy it was, is certainly better than what she’s doing now.
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Is there anything I can say to her to talk her out of this, other than what I have said, in case I see her again? Should I even try?
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This one is not so much a question as a rant. What the hell is wrong with a 22 year old guy who dates a 16 girl for a week and thinks it is a good idea to move her into his place? (I’ve strong suspicion to suspect they have already slept together, so it can’t just be sex)