Teenage Girl Melodrama - Gah! Need Advice

In My Humble Opinion
1

It’s funny how life sometimes parallels discussions I’ve been following on the Dope… I’ve been reading the thread “Can I Date a High Schooler” and I now find myself smack dab in the middle of a young girl, older boy problem of my very own. Long text follows.

I have a 20 year old roommate who left home when she was 15. Of the five kids in her family, both her and her brother left at that age. Two girls are 10 and 12 right now, so they aren’t an issue. However, her sister is 16 and about two months back decided she would leave home too. I won’t go into the details, but the family history should be suggestive in itself that this is a highly disfunctional family. My roommate is remarkably unscarred and put together, but I think she’s one of those girls that reacted to a chaotic and emotionally abusive environment by becoming hyper efficient, controlled and successful.

So, sister helped the 16 year old move out into an apartment of her own, but it wasn’t working out. She approached me, and I agreed to let the 16 year old stay with us. For the last two months, she’s been absolutely fine. She’s paid her rent, kept the place clean, even bought herself a laptop so she could do online education high school (she had dropped out). I got her set up with a counsellor at the local high risk kids school, and she was all set to start school again in January. Then, a week ago, she went awol. Three days in, after calling her work and trying to track her down, sister finally got a hold of her and read her the riot act for her behaviour, she promised to check in with us when she was away from home. Then, two and half more days go by, and no word. This time, her sister is just pissed but not worried, but I’m freaking out because we have had no contact at all so I decide to dive in and track her down. I call her work - she hasn’t shown up for two days, no calls, no nothing. She’s left her cell phone at home, so I access it to call her friends -no one has heard from her. Sister checks her text messages, and lo and behold, we discover the problem.

She’s met a boy.

Specifically, a 22 year old man that she used to work with.

She showed up again yesterday - her friends had called her parents and started a massive man hunt around town to find her, including a call to the cops. I got her alone before her sister came home and had a very calm, collected conversation with her (her sister would not have been able to do this, it would have devolved into a giant shouting fest and we wouldn’t have figured out what had happened). I explained that she was acting irresponsibly, that she needed to check in with us, and advised her that she needed to respect the rules of the house. She responded by telling me that she has decided to move in with the boy. After all, she worked with him for nearly a year for a shift a week, and started dating him over a week ago, so clearly this is a long-term relationship destined for success!

I don’t have much experience with teenagers, so I probably reacted in a poor way… but I told her that I wasn’t her mother, so I couldn’t tell her what to do. However, I have become close to her in the last two months, so I felt obligated to tell her the truth. And that the truth is, she is making a stupid decision. One that comes with consequences she is not emotionally prepared for. This is her first boyfriend, btw… as of a week ago, she hadn’t even kissed a boy. Then, I let her leave for her workplace, where she was going to beg for her job back. I told her I would talk to her sister. She hasn’t come back home, so I assume she went to the boys place and is now staying there.

Ok, phew, that was a mouth full… Here are my imho questions.

  1. What is my level of responsibility here? I agreed to let the girl move in because my roommate asked me to, but she is not my family member, nor do I have any relationship with her sister beyond that of a roommate. I have known her for two months.

  2. Do I call her parents? If so, how much do I tell them? I don’t know where this guy lives, so I can’t give them her address. Given that she has a dysfunctional relationship with her parents, is this a good idea? I’m of the opinion that her home life, however crappy it was, is certainly better than what she’s doing now.

  3. Is there anything I can say to her to talk her out of this, other than what I have said, in case I see her again? Should I even try?

  4. This one is not so much a question as a rant. What the hell is wrong with a 22 year old guy who dates a 16 girl for a week and thinks it is a good idea to move her into his place? (I’ve strong suspicion to suspect they have already slept together, so it can’t just be sex)

2
  1. You don’t have any responsibility that you don’t want. It sounds like you’ve done a good thing trying to help someone out who is in trouble, and that’s admirable. If you find it in you to keep helping out, great. Some people might come in here to call you a doormat, but I don’t see it like that. It sounds as if this girl is getting her shit together, but got distracted by LOOOOVE (or seeeeex or whatever), which is to be expected at her age. If it’s not too much of an imposition, I’d just keep doing what you’re doing, and (IF the 16-yr old can stick to a couple basic rules-- calling to let you know when she’ll be out, keeping up her job and studies) let her move back in when the “relationship” goes south.

That being said, I think that unless the 20-yr old (your roommie, if I’ve read correctly) is trying to teach her little sister some tough love by letting her first relationship crash and burn (in which case you should probably respect that and back off the situation), where’s her responsibility in this? Shouldn’t she be looking out for her sister instead of you?

  1. I wouldn’t until you’ve talked to your roommate. You don’t know what was going on with this girl and her family, and if her parents are a toxic influence in her life, calling them would be the worst thing you could do.

  2. I would probably just tell her to be careful, outline the facts that she’s only been dating him for a week, he’s her first, and that he’s older. If you do this such that it’s not seeming to come from a parental figure, it might go in a little better. Which is not to say that it will go in very far at all. You should also give her a bunch of condoms and tell her that one mistake (either with babies or STDs) could ruin the next 25+ years of her life.

Nothing you say is going to talk her out of dating him, so the next best thing would be to help as much as you can.

  1. He’s either stupid, a creep, or both.
3

I think her sister, my roommate, is caught somewhat between a rock and a hard place. It does seem her parents are trying not to repeat the mistakes they made with her and her brother, with this one - the 16 year old. For instance, her mother signed a paper letting her get into this high risk school, has been giving her money and has been in contact, whereas when the roommate moved out, they just abandoned her. However, there is no doubt that this is not a stable family. There has been no physical abuse, but plenty of verbal - over the line - abuse from dad, and definately emotional from mom. Mom had the kids more or less back to back at a young age, is uneducated herself, and highly immature - she is also stunningly gorgeous, and highly looks oriented, which is not necessarily a bad thing unless you’re doing things like she did with the 16 year old - putting her on diets at age 12, telling her she is fat etc… I’ve seen pictures, and she was not in the least fat. However, the parents were much worse with my roommate, and she is estranged from them. She did tell me last night that she is thinking of calling the girls dad. I supose the better question is - do I advise my roommate to bite the bullet and call the parents since she does seem open to it?

For #3 - I know she is on the pill, which she was started on for acne. Condoms, I told her about, but I don’t know if she is using them. I did, however, tell her the other points you mentioned.

I think her sister is inclined to let her learn this lesson the hard way - the same way she had to at 15. She’s very pissed off, because she gave the girl a chance and she blew it. The girl doesn’t abide fools much at all, and because she moved out so young, she didn’t have a strong relationship with this sister. Her general approach to life is to burn the bridge when someone screws up. However, I was blessed with a wonderful mother who also happened to be the mom in my group who took in the strays - the kids who left home, etc. I’ve picked up this habit from her. My inclination, in my heart, is to hold this girl close to me and save her from all this pain I know she is bound to face. My brain, however, is telling me there is no way I can stop this from happening, that it is none of my business and that I should back off. Sigh.

Thank you for your comments!

4

You’re obviously a caring person to try to reach her, and I think what you’ve done so far sounds good. I don’t think I’d contact the family because you just don’t know that situation. You might suggest that your roomie do it, but I wouldn’t do it myself.

You might put into her mind that if he’s flighty enough (or needy enough) to have her move in after a week of dating that he’s flighty enough to put her out with the same level of quickness. It also might be an indicator on how quickly he moves with other decisions in his life.

I think I’d also point out to her that her involvement with him thus far, only a week into it, has already resulted in (1) a strained her relationship with her sister (2) a loss of her job and (3) made her word with you less than reliable. She may not think any of those things are important to her now, but she may feel differently if/when he decides she’s no longer welcome. If she wants to be treated like a responsible person, she has to act like one.

Good luck.

5

I’d definitely call him a creep. And if it’s me in this situation, I’d start with a call to the police. I have no idea what they’d be able to do, but the bottom line is that he’s almost certainly comitting a crime and it’d be the right thing to do to get them involved. No matter how pissed it would make the 16 year old, or even her sister. You may not be able to influence the teen, but you (or the police) can probably exert a lot of pressure on the man.

If the police won’t step in, then I would be asking myself whether I want to get involved–I think it’s an adult’s responsibility in this case to get the law involved on behalf of the minor. Beyond that, any further involvement is optional.

If so, I’d work toward deleting the guy from the picture. That would be my top priority, and if it meant going to the family and/or the older sister with an ultimatum (you do something, or I will), then that’s what I’d do. Of course, it’s easy for me to sit here and say what I’d do, but I understand I’m not hip deep in the situation. I still think you need to seriously consider how to address an adult that’s trying to get in this minor’s panties. I don’t care if he’s the lead choir boy. He’s a f*cking creep to be doing this with a minor, much less one that’s never even had a boyfriend before.

6

Perhaps someone can wade in with some legal input. I hit google last night, because this was my first instinct as well. However, the age of consent in BC is 16, so as far as I can tell, he has done nothing illegal. Immoral? Definately. Stupid? On a scale Ive not encountered before.

I like the option you suggested - telling her sister if she doesn’t do something, I will take action. I’m just not certain what format that would take? I can’t call the cops, and I don’t have any hold over her.

I was flabbergasted to find out that this is a-ok with the law. Maybe someone can step in with some clarification.

To Sleeps with Butterflies - thank you for your talking point suggestions, I particularly liked the last one and if I see her I will use that.

7

I have no more experience in this situation than you do, but it seems to me like you’re not going to be able to change her behaviour. The best you can do is present the facts as you see them in as non-judgemental a way as possible and make it clear to her that she can come to you if she needs help.

I think a lot of people are going to condemn her and that could put her back up more than anything; you’re not responsible for her, which puts you in a good position, actually. Be the person who she isn’t afraid is going to say “I told you so,” the one who treated her like an adult, and the one she’ll come to if her boyfriend dumps her or abuses her or gets her pregnant,

8

A cousin of mine was similar to this. She moved to our city to start junior college and became close friends with the daughter of my parents’ friends. She seemed very put together and mature and then suddenly started not going to school and ended up stealing something from my parents’ friends and disappearing for a week or something. The whole (sane side of the) family jumped on her and metaphorically kicked her in the head and she slowly got back to being mature and well put together again.

I think it’s just a matter of not really having a properly configured sense of right and wrong or commonly accepted limits. But if they seem pretty straight most of the time, that means that it probably just is a configuration issue and some well placed boots to the rear will likely fix it so long as there are people there who are sane and who do care for her.

But forget her parents. I’d just consider your roommate to be the girl’s mom for all intents and purposes. She’ll scream and yell at her and that’s well and good. On your part, be sane, straightforward, and interested and you’ll be doing your part, but pass the emotional stuff on to your roommate.

Just make sure that she has your cellphone information and be ready to have to go pick her up once. And if that happens, feel free to yell at her yourself.

9

Sage Rat and Helen’s Eidolon - thank you for weighing in with your words of wisdom. Here’s a quickish update.

So, I saw my roommate tonight at 10:30 - she just came home from dealing with the 16 year old. She called her father, told him what was happening. As I thought, he doesn’t seem to give a shit about it. So, she called her brother - the first one to leave home. Now, he’s not a shining paragon of success himself, but 16 year old idealizes him, so the roommate grabbed him, had him call 16 (shorthanding for a name) and get the address of the place. It took some doing, but he got it out of her. Then, they drove over there and basically confronted her. The brother wanted to meet the guy, and seems ok with the siutation, but the roommate thinks the guy is a peice of work. She wound up fighting it out with 16 - big screaming match apparently - and left. When she got home, 16 had left a message on my machine saying she was moving out tomorrow.

Understandably, the roommate decided she wanted the keys back - the people 16 is living with are sketchy, and we don’t really want them wandering around our house when we are at work. We also didn’t want to give her a chance to make a copy of the key - in case she is getting into drugs, I’m sure the first place she’ll think to hit up for shit to sell is our home, right? So she called 16 and told her she was coming to get the keys. 16 responded by saying she’d move out tonight. In all her wisdom, she planned to walk down with the boy and pick up her stuff (an hour walk) and then walk it back to the apartment. I figured this was a good (and last, likely) chance to get her alone, so I told her I’d pick her up - her only, not the boy - and help her move her stuff. While I had her, I told her the following:

  • I don’t condone her decision, and I think she’s making a mistake, but that I don’t think less of her as a person - she’s young, and foolheaded, but ultimately a good kid.
  • I want her to contact me if anything goes wrong. I told her that sometimes it is easier to ask for help from a non family member. I used the example of a pregnancy - I told her that I am pro-choice and non-judgemental, and that if she is pregnant at some point, she should call me immediately.
  • I told her to stay on the pill and explained to her how to get an STD test. I also gave her some strategies about how to ask her boyfriend to get tested.
  • I suggested she try to salvage the relationship with her sister, and that the best way would be to writer her a note and pay her rent. I said part of being an adult is giving proper notice on an apartment, and she cannot screw her sister out of rent money four days before rent is due. I took her to a bank to withdraw the money. I suggested in the note that she tell her sister that she is thankful for what she did for her in the past, since she has not done that yet.

She sat there and nodded, looking distinctly uncomfortable, and did not respond verbally to anything I said. However, when we unloaded my car at her new place, she hugged me, apologized for how this turned out and promised to stay in touch. I reiterated that as far as I’m concerned, we are square, and she should feel ok to call me if ANYTHING happens.

So, I approve of what my roommate did, but I don’t approve of the decision 16 made. At least now we know where she is, her family knows what she has done and I have left the doors of communication open.

Thank you to everyone who helped me walk through this - more than anything, it’s been helpful to write it down and get some advice!

Jill

10

  1. As much as you want and she allows.

  2. HELL NO, but the other siblings yes. ETA after seeing that the last post is from OP and what it says: you’ve seen how helpful the parents were…

  3. Not really, I think the best option right now is what you did, “I think you’re doing something stupid but it’s your life, you know where we live.”

  4. He may just be an idiot.

A 22yo dating a 16yo wouldn’t ping my radar a lot; a 22yo asking a 16yo to move in with him now? Ouch :frowning:

11

I would change the locks. That’s what I did after a sketchy roomate moved out. I don’t think he ever tried to get back in, but I slept a little better.

Also, there’s really little you can do for the girl. You aren’t family and she’s basically an adult. I think you’ve already said all you can say.

12

Jillvyn what ever happens from now on, just know that you did the right things. Good luck.