Help me persuade my housemate her 'boyfriend' is a creep.

In My Humble Opinion
1

My housemate (hereafter known as ‘Lee’) has been one of my best friends since school- she’s one of those people who’s really nice, but a bit dippy, and very, very easy to boss around.

Lee hates getting people upset, and a few months back, she met a guy (hereafter known as ‘Git’- yeah, yeah, well’s poisoned, don’t drink from it then) who is absolutely taking full advantage of this. He has some mental heath issues, and some very weird ideas (he declared the ‘relationship’ would last exactly 2 years, for example), and he’s basically just taking control of every aspect of her life.

I know I can’t force her to do anything, but she just seems to think that I’m trying to split them up because I simply because I don’t like him, rather than trying to talk her out of it because he’s a total creep. She’s not told anyone else much about the ‘relationship’, though I’m trying to persuade her to talk to someone else outside it.

Git demands constant attention- Lee’s ‘allowed’ to go out for work and to visit people, but she has to phone as soon as she gets back or ‘he just gets worried’. Even if she sends him a text saying she’s tired, and just wants to have a bit of a nap, and will call or come round later, he will keep on phoning until she picks up. He gets ‘upset’ if she doesn’t answer every call. Lee seems really frustrated by this, but she says it’s OK; he’s just being caring, and she doesn’t want him to get unhappy.

They generally spend more time at his house lately, but when he came here, he would come over ‘for an hour’ or ‘just to get something’ then start claiming he felt too ill/it was too dark/wet to go home. Ok, so wanting to spend time with your girlfriend is normal, but it was every single fucking time, and he’d just guilt trip her if she asked him to go. Even when she’d told him before he came over that she was ill or had to get up really early and just wanted a quiet night’s sleep, he’d still announce he was coming then refuse to go. Me getting annoyed about that is probably what started him disliking me (oh yeah, and I turned him down before they started dating).

After they’d been dating just a few weeks, Git started making comments about her moving in- comments like ‘when we start living together, you’re not keeping plants in the bedroom.’ Two months down the line, he started actually asking her to move in- he’s living with his parents, and wants to move out now he’s got a new job. It went from a suggestion to basically an order in just about a week.

Git then started insisting I was an abusing monster (based on the fact I didn’t want him in the house all the time because he made a mess and never bloody left when he said he would, and I argue with Lee quite a bit. She has some memory problems, so she often forgets to do stuff like get money for bills, and doesn’t do chores she’d said she’d do. Also, Git got annoyed because I gave Lee a lift to hospital when she asked me for one, for a recurring problem that had lasted several hours. He wanted her to get an ambulance, which she said she didn’t need, and apparently I should have called one anyway).

Git then started claiming that if she didn’t move in with him, he’d get so stressed out he’d lose his new job, and that he couldn’t sleep if she wasn’t there.

Lee (ignoring me saying ‘run for the hills!’), has actually agreed to move in, in a few months, when she’s saved up some money. This was not fast enough. She needs to be there in a month.

Lee said she wanted to give me at least 2 months notice, because she’d previously agreed to stay for a lot longer, it’s going to be a total nightmare finding somewhere else to live, seeing as I’m looking for work at the moment, and I have pets, some of which are actually really hers.

Git said she wasn’t allowed to. She was only allowed to give me one month notice. Doing otherwise is treating me as more important than him, hence cruel to him.

A mutual friend’s sister is trying to move to the area, and I suggested that the sister maybe took my housemate’s room for a bit, thinking that that would mean I don’t have to move as soon, and also if her house move goes as horribly wrong as I suspect it will, she’ll have somewhere easy to move back to (there’s two little rooms, so there would be space for both). The housemate thought that sounded like a good idea. Yes, it’s technically against the tenancy agreement, but multiple extra people used to live in the flat upstairs, and the agency ignored them. We’re allowed guests with no time limit.

Git declared that to be unacceptable, and started insisting that if she did, he would somehow wind up liable for the rent of this house :confused:

Today, Git emailed the lettings agency and tried to give notice on her behalf, without her knowledge.

Of course, they won’t take notice from a third party, but that’s just mindboggling arrogance.

I’m sure Lee will just manage to find an excuse for him again, but can anyone come up with any suggestions for what I can say? Can other people see as many bright red flags waving in the breeze as me?

2

Your friend is toast.

Remove yourself from this situation and leave her to the Git. Either she’ll figure it out, or she won’t, but there is NOTHING you can do to influence that decision.

Save yourself.

Run away from the crazy.

3

Let your housemate make her own decisions. After you’ve aired your concerns, she’s free to decide to do whatever she wants.

Your friend is either comfortable with Git or she’s not. Nothing you say is going to change how she feels about being with him.

4

It’s hard being friends/family of an abuse victim. Nothing you can do but say your piece, unless you plan to kidnap her or forcibly remove him from the picture.

5

You seem like a bright and compassionate and loyal friend. Perhaps your loyalty will allow you an avenue to speak openly with her about your concerns. Realizing should you take that course your relationship with her changes forever. Or

Wish her the best and get away as quickly as you can. From what you have described there will be collateral damage, you do not want to in that zone when it occurs.

6

You sound like a really good friend, and he sounds like a piece of work. I agree that there’s nothing you can do. My suggestion would be to let her know you are there in case the whole thing goes south and not to be embarrassed if that happens (I don’t know a good way to say that). That’s really all you can do.

7

You need to disengage from this scenario. She may not be all that savvy but she is an adult not a special needs child. Take this opportunity to cut ties. You have no power in this scenario, pretending or imagining you do will only make you come to grief.

She is a grown women, you cannot save her from jerks. He is what she wants right now. Reconcile yourself to that and move on.

8

How come no one has suggested that you let her make her own decisions and there’s nothing you can do about it?

9

This doesn’t even make any sense. He can declare all he wants, why would he think he gets a say about your roommate?

10

There is no way you can persuade her that her boyfriend is a creep, and furthermore, the more you try, the more he will be able to cut her off from you. He will tell her you just don’t want them to be in love or whatever and by the time the “relationship” is done, she won’t consider you a support system.

11

I agree with the suggestions about letting Lee make her own decisions, but I’d keep an open door for her when things go south.

A lot of what you’ve written about Git make him sound like a controlling jackass, but it sounds like the type of controlling jackass who turns into an abusive jackass. He’s ordering her around, trying to cancel her lease without her knowledge, telling you to call an ambulance for her, etc. The comment about no plants in the bedroom is raising a red flag to me. Instead of calmly discussing it, (“I’d rather we not have plants in the bedroom”), he’s laid down the law about it (“No plants in the bedroom!”), as if his opinion is the only one that counts.

Let Lee make her own decisions, but if the shit hits the fan, please be there for her.

12

There’s nothing you can do. Voice your objection and move on. My sister dated an dick that use to abuse her physically, I tried everything to help her get out of that relationship. Including kicking his ass out of desperation. She kept on going back.

I gave up.

13

Thanks… I know there’s nothing I can really do but…

It is just so frustrating when someone is making such obviously bad decisions. I’ll try and be around when it all goes wrong, but I know he’s going to stop her from seeing me if he can. She has also attempted suicide in the past, I think a few times, (and told me I was the only thing stopping her at least once), so I can’t really help worrying.

14

Have you sat Lee down to explain your concerns? It sounds like (and you can correct me if I’m wrong) that you might have voiced doubts about each individual instance of weird Git behaviour, but not about the whole picture.

IOW, is there a possibility that you can get her alone for a few hours and point out that Git’s attitudes and actions, taken together, have the potential to be dangerous down the track? Get her to do some role-play thingy if necessary…you in her shoes etc and ask how she would react if it was her friend about to make such a bad decision.

But sure, at the end of the day, it IS her decision to make and you just have to stand aside until she has her own epiphany or the law becomes involved. Whichever, it still sucks being her friend and watching this all unfold.

Good luck.

15

Really? Because it seems like anyone can.

16

Well if your relationship expires in two years, you’ve gotta rush a few things. At least he’s consistent!

17

I have tried to say it as a ‘big picture’ kind of thing- it’s hard to talk to her though, as he keeps trying to phone if he knows she’s in the house, and she gets jumpy about not answering, so I can’t talk to her for more than a minute or so at a time. She also just started saying that maybe she made a mistake and he didn’t really say the stuff she thinks he said, and anyway he’s a good person and he means well… :rolleyes:

I suggested she told some of the stuff she’s told me to some other friend, and see what they think. I also tried asking her what advice she’d give to someone else who said their boyfriend did and said the stuff she’s told me; she agreed she’d probably be concerned, but ‘this is different’…

18

You need to move out, and tell her why. At least tell her that it’s because you don’t like her boyfriend; only you know how much more you ought to tell her, or can before she shuts down.

Otherwise, she’s going to have to figure this one out on her own. Just don’t put yourself in danger too.

19

It sounds like you don’t get much chance to talk to her, but if you did, maybe you could try talking to her from her POV. Like, how it’s hard to disappoint someone you love, and or make demands that might seem selfish. She probably does want him to go home when she has to get up early but it doesn’t help her to say she’s a pushover and needs to stand up for herself - for her, she has a real conflict.

If she is uncertain, or indecisive, she may appreciate it that he is so assertive because it makes her life easier. Maybe that is or isn’t worth being totally controlled by him, but maybe you can help her weigh up the benefits as well as the disadvantages so that she can decide what is best for her.

20

I don’t suppose you have a burly brother with a couple burly friends who could try to pound some sense into Gil?