Post-Suicide-Attempt Advice

In My Humble Opinion
1

Monday night my roommate attempted suicide. I took her to the ER, and then many hours later she was taken away to an institute for treatment. I have to go pick her up tomorrow. Through all of this, none of the doctors or anyone like that have talked to me or explained what I am supposed to do now. I was only given limited information because I wasn’t family (I’m assuming). I am still really exhausted about the whole thing, so I can’t really think straight and I need advice.

I’ll outline this because I know I tend to ramble:

  1. How should I act when she gets home?
  2. Should I try to “suicide proof” our house?
  3. What should I tell her work?
  4. Should I tell her family?
    I have no idea how to act now. I am completely dreading the multi-hour ride home and being in the house with her. I don’t know what to say or do, and I don’t want to make things worse. But I don’t know if I should try to talk about it or just try to be normal. I don’t know if I can. I know depression is a disease and doesn’t have anything to do with me as a person, but she left all these notes on her bed that are apparently journal entries from the past couple years about how I basically drive her crazy and she hates that I do “fill in the blank” and she wants to get away from me (They weren’t all about me, but a good chunk of it was). So I’m afraid that she doesn’t even want me around and that I am just going to make her worse or make her try it again. I guess I feel pretty guilty because while we do have the usual roommate squabbles, I thought we got along pretty well. I had no idea she at a point where she was considering this.

She swiped some of my pills from a recent surgery I had, so I have obviously taken all of the medicine around the house and secured it. I don’t know if I should get rid of all the alcohol, too, or maybe try to hide the kitchen knives? I don’t want her to think I’m trying to mommy her, but I don’t want to keep these things lying out in plain view to tempt her. We are not young kids, she is almost 30, if that matters.

Something else I’m having trouble with is her boss. Her boss called me yesterday to ask why my roommate wasn’t at work (I don’t know how she got my number). I just said there was a medical emergency and that people should be contacting her soon. I really didn’t know anything at the time or if that was true- like I said, the doctor’s really didn’t tell me anything other than “She’s going away to a treatment center in city X.” But apparently no one has contacted her work yet, and her boss keeps calling me telling me she needs to know what’s going on because right now she just has to consider her AWOL. I told her to try her emergency contacts as I didn’t know what to tell her, but she was angry with me and keeps calling for information.

Also, the last thing is, should I tell her family? They are all out of state. I keep in almost daily touch with her brother and mother through facebook and twitter, and it’s obvious that they don’t know yet. I haven’t told them because I thought that the treatment center would notify them. And if they haven’t, then maybe my roommate doesn’t want them to know. But if her boss calls them, they might need to know what is going on? I don’t want to betray her privacy, but I don’t know if telling them is the right thing to do.

Anyway, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

2

God, I don’t know anything about this, but absolutely tell her family. How could you not? You have already gone above and beyond to help your roomate and you can’t do this alone. If something happens and she succeeds next time the amount of weight on you will be very heavy. Call her family! Especially since you are talking to them. But not on Facebook. Actually they should be there when you bring her home. Does she have a good relationship with them?

Also let them see all of the journal entries. Keep us posted…I can’t imagine what a tough situation you are in.

3

Her brother and her mom (they live together) are really the only family she is close with, but her relationship with her mom is tenuous at best. Also, her mom is extremely ill and mostly bed-ridden, and I seriously doubt she could travel here. But I could try her brother (who I am closer with anyway). I just didn’t know if that would be a severe breach of privacy or not - I think you’re right though, they should know.

4

What are you going to do if, god forbid, she tries it again and she’s successful and her family says, “Why didn’t you tell us anything was wrong?”

How about your family? I know it seems selfish at this point but you need support too, living with a suicidal roomate. You done good, taking care of her - don’t forget yourself.

I do hope someone else comes in here and posts more suggestions on how to help your roomate.

5

Tell the family. Ask if they are going to retrieve her. Inform them that you will not be your roommate’s guardian. If they don’t retrieve her, move out of the apartment as soon as possible. If they do, start looking for a new roommate (or if you can swing it, live on your own).

It is exceptionally unfair for anyone to think that this is your problem just because you had the dumb luck to share a temporary residence with her.

6

I think you’re done with privacy concerns here. They’re her family, they need to be notified.

7

A lot of this is going to depend on your roommate’s state of mind afterwards. My freshman year of college, my roommate tried to kill herself. She ended up getting an RA and being taken to the hospital.

I ended up telling her professors she was in the hospital, but didn’t go into why. One of them figured it out on his own. I made a few calls, too, for like homework and stuff. Fortunately, she’d decided to tell her parents, which meant I didn’t have to, which was good.

After she came back. . .well, I had some resentment issues, and was just generally a bitchy, immature eighteen year-old. She wasn’t immediately suicidal after coming back to the dorm, so there weren’t worries about that. I did put away my own medicine (which, really, amounted to no more than NyQuil and Tylenol, but whatever), and I stashed the two knives I had (which. . .I shouldn’t have had on campus anyway). I didn’t make a huge deal of it, though (at least, I don’t think I did; it was seven years ago), because, really, what would’ve been the point, other than to be a bitch? She knew she’d screwed up.

In other words, you’ll need to talk to her. Getting rid of the alcohol seems prudent, as does stashing your own medicine; the knives are a bit overboard. But talking’s going to be the most important thing.

And. . .yes. Tell her family. That way, she might have another means of emotional support.

8

Hear, hear.

You need to get a whole lot of gone between you and your roommate.

9
  1. How should I act when she gets home?

Act normal. The last thing she needs now is more pressure.

  1. Should I try to “suicide proof” our house?

No, because you can’t. Unless you are going to restrain her physically, she can always try another attempt. Don’t give yourself a false sense of control by changing one tiny bit of her environment. There are plenty of tall buildings out there.

  1. What should I tell her work?

Nothing. It’s none of your business. Let her handle it her way.

  1. Should I tell her family?

See above.

Sorry if this advice seems cold, but she is a grown woman (I assume), and she is her own responsibility. There is nothing you can do to change her or save her. Trust me, I’ve been through it.

All you can do is to let her know that you are her friend, you care, and you are there for her. Help her in any (reasonable) way that she asks you to, but don’t go inventing things that you think are good for her. Then let her attempt to heal herself. Nobody else can do it…TRM

10

If she is willing to consent to you being involved, maybe you can ask to talk to one of her social workers about how to handle her homecoming. Might be worth a try.
My take on it (with the caveat that I am speaking as another layperson, not a counselor):

It’s not your fault that she did this. A person with appropriate coping skills would not attempt suicide over a bad roommate situation. It is her illness and her poor coping skills that are to blame, not you.

I agree that you should hide things that could be potentially dangerous (especially if they are yours and not hers anyway). ESPECIALLY guns - any psychiatrist will ask about guns in the house and want them removed before the person goes back home. Many times people are somewhat impulsive in deciding to commit suicide and may not actually go through with it if they don’t have an immediately accessible way of doing it.

I think you did the right thing by telling her boss to talk to her emergency contacts and not give out any specific details. You ARE just her roommate, not family, after all. Besides, it’s not really fair to her to give out private information to someone who might end up using it against her.

I agree the family should be notified. Maybe you can talk to them about if she can live with them for a while since she apparently is unhappy in this situation.
Hope things get better for both of you soon.

11

First step would be to talk with her. Ask what she wants you to do, and make sure she knows that you’re going to contact her family.

She’s a person with a working brain, not an alien. Be realistic and open about what you’re doing, involve her, and if you don’t feel like you can deal with it then bail as fast as you can. Your first priority is you, regardless of how needy those around you might be.

12

I’m so sorry this happened for both you and your roommate. I agree with everything that’s been said in this thread.

Tell the family. Normally, I would agree with TRM and say this decision is not one you should have to make, but it seems to me that without them in the picture, you’ve assumed the role of guardian and protector here. This is a bad idea, for your roommate and more importantly for you. Say it just as you said to us- ‘I waited because I thought the insitution would contact you, but as they havent I need to let you know what’s happened.’ Also, you need to begin to step out of the role of guardian here, and this is an important step in doing that.

You need to begin the process, whatever that may be, of getting yourself out of a living situation with this roommate. You’ve said it’s a house; who does it belong to? What contracts are you under? If you own the house, you need to begin discussing with her family what roommate needs to do to move out. Name a date to them. If you’re renting, see if you can fulfill your contract by finding another roommate to replace you, and if that isn’t feasible, see what the penalty is to breaking your contract. If it’s not severe, consider that an option. But you need to get out of this situation. I don’t think it’s going to be healthy for either of you to remain the way things are now. This is not your responsibility, and you have done nothing wrong. Don’t do this in secret; you can be both upfront and gentle in letting your roommate and her family know what your plans are and when you plan to leave.

This business with her boss calling you is not right, especially if she’s gotten ‘angry’ at you. You have nothing to do with this! If she calls you again, you need to tell her that you have no more information to give, and to please not call you again. You can be polite, but be very firm in this. You have every right to tell this woman, who you don’t know and have no dealing with, that you are not going to be speaking to her again. If she considers your friend AWOL, so be it. This is also not your fault or responsibility, and you’ve been more than kind about it.

Finally, because I couldn’t tell from your OP- do not blame yourself in any way for what’s going on with your roommate. I can only imagine what finding those notes made you feel like, but this is important and true- you had nothing to do with this. Even if you were the worst roommate in the history of the entire planet- which I doubt you are- what’s happened here isn’t about or because of you. It’s about your roommate and what’s going on with her.

You can have every ounce of sympathy in the world for her, but that should not equate into blame or responsibility for her life and for the events that have unfolded. You’ve been very kind; now be kind to yourself and begin getting out of this situation.

13

You didn’t mention if you’re roommates out of convenience or if you previously had a close friendship. I think this fact will affect how you treat her or act around her. Friends can ask questions that roommates cannot.

It sounds like she isn’t happy with the living arrangement. I would address this issue in the near future. Does she want to move? Does she want you to? Are the problems fixable?

Sad situation. I wish you both a smooth outcome.

14

Disclaimer: I am a counselor; I am not either your or your roommate’s counselor, nor am I likely to be licensed to practice in your state.

There’s already some good advice being given to you. Let me just add my .02, as someone who has done crisis assessment (basically the person who sends the suicidal person to the psych facility) and as the trainer in suicide prevention/awareness for my current facility.

  1. How should I act when she gets home?

Were the two of you able to have good, open conversations prior to this? Because this is going to require good, open conversations. Don’t be afraid to discuss what happened, what you found (the notes, etc), how you felt throughout the situation, where you two need to go from here, etc. This was HER decision- nothing you did/didn’t do led to her choosing to make an attempt on her life. SHE is the one with exceptionally poor coping skills, who didn’t have the ability to deal with whatever is going on in her life. Do NOT let her attempt to guilt you, or make you feel responsible for what she did.

  1. Should I try to “suicide proof” our house?

No. Put up your meds, and if you have any guns in the house you’ll want to have those be elsewhere for a while, but people who intend to commit suicide are incredibly resourceful. There’s no way you can hide everything.

  1. What should I tell her work?

Nothing. And if her boss continues to call, simply state that you have given all the information you are privy to/feel comfortable with sharing, and that they need to do whatever they need to do with that information.

  1. Should I tell her family?

Normally I’d say nothing- the reason the facility hasn’t informed them is because she’s (probably) medically stable and is an adult. They’re bound by HIPAA and confidentiality rules from calling her family, unless she requests it. But since you have a relationship with the family, and since you on the face of things appear to be a source of agitation for her, it’s a very good idea for you to call the brother and let him know. She’ll probably be pissed, but it seems she’s not very happy with you at the moment anyway, so I wouldn’t let that be the deciding factor. Warning: if you show the brother the journal entries you found, do not feel the need to defend yourself against any of the accusations contained therein. You can say something like “I found these, and I’m sorry to see that she viewed our relationship this way” but don’t try to dispute anything. This is about her perception, which is clearly very, very skewed.

I don’t know that I would feel comfortable- especially since it’s apparently a multi-hour car ride- with you picking her up. Stabilization is just that- 72 hours of medication and monitoring. It does little to address the issues that led to the attempt, which means that whatever issues she believes she has with you are still there, only now you’re aware of them and harboring a (normal!) little bit of resentment as a result. It’s possible, depending on the laws of your state, that they won’t release her to you anyway. Call the hospital, ask to speak to the person who handles discharges, and explain the situation. See if they can hold onto her until her brother can pick her up. Also ask what resources they have for you- most state MH facilities have brochures or other handouts specifically for ‘after the attempt.’

Finally, you need to be really, really, really honest with yourself (and her) about whether you want to continue living with her or not. Kicking her out isn’t an option, obviously, but both of you have the right to live in a safe, supportive environment. I assure you, she’s already thinking about how you’re going to respond, and may or may not be terrified about it. So just be honest- ‘X, I want you to know that I’m not going to kick you out or move out/leave you with all the bills right now. But we do need to talk about our living situation. I feel like we shouldn’t make any major decisions until we can have a good long talk; do you think you will feel up to that on Saturday afternoon?’

You ‘owe’ her the consideration due to someone that you have shared a life with for however long. But you ‘owe’ yourself far more. Do not sacrifice your safety/well-being for hers. It’s okay to feel angry, shocked, confused, sad… whatever. And it’s okay for you to let her know you feel that way. Just make sure you’re communicating that in a way that claims ownership for those feelings, and doesn’t lay the blame at her feet.

15

A childhood friend of mine killed herself. It still hurts after 15 years. I’d have dropped everything to go to her help if only she’d asked. Sometimes someone needs to ask on another’s behalf.

I suggest you call her brother ASAP and the conversation should start something like this: “Hi, this is Time Stranger. Your sister tried to commit suicide. She’s back from hospital now; when are you coming to pick her up?” She is not your responsibility; her family, as her next of kin, may choose to help her, but they can only do so if they know the situation.

16

They are college roommates, not life partners. She does not owe her roommate a heart-to-heart. She does not owe her another go at living together. Finding a new place this week and moving out most certainly is an option. If the roommate’s family is not going to retrieve her, I dare say it is the only sensible option for her.

17

Agreed. This is way over your pay grade. I’m astonished that the family hasn’t been contacted already, and that more formal instructions/arrangements haven’t been made for her return.

This is no time for niceties. Privacy be damned, and don’t give any thoughts to the idea that you might upset her by “mothering” her. This is as serious a situation as there is. This is not like coming back from the hospital after getting your appendix out, where there is a slight period of adjustment as things get back to normal. Things don’t get back to normal.

18

First, the roommate is ‘nearly 30’ and working- there’s nothing here about either of them being in college. If they were, there would be a lot more options for both.

Secondly, moving out may not be an option at all. Leases come with consequences for breaking them, especially in this economic time. If the OP needs to live with a roommate, I daresay they don’t have the funds available to pay off their portion of the lease, pay first/last/security on a new place, and cover moving costs. If the OP decides they want to stay, then in just about every state there are laws regarding evicting someone- most of those laws involve a minimum of 30 days’ notice. No court is going to agree to an immediate eviction in this situation.

Thirdly, why doesn’t the OP owe the roommate a heart-to-heart? That would give the OP the chance to communicate their feelings about the situation as well. A conversation in no way implies that the OP needs to suddenly cater to the roommate’s every whim. But there is no denying that the roommate is sick. Whether from a momentary bout of depression or a lifetime of mental illness, there’s no way of knowing right now… but healthy, mentally stable people don’t generally try to kill themselves. Let’s say that this is a temporary problem, a lapse in judgment as a result of an overwhelming problem the OP isn’t aware of (for whatever reason). You’re implying the best way to deal with this ill, unstable person is to abandon them as a friend, kick them out of their home, and leave them to twist in the wind, AND do all this without actually talking to them about it. Bull.

If the OP had said that they felt the roommate would try to hurt them, my response would be different- as would the legal system’s. But that doesn’t appear to be the case, which is why the OP needs to decide for THEMSELVES if they feel this is a situation they can work through, or if they need to begin the process of moving elsewhere. We don’t know the extent of their relationship- it’s possible that the OP couldn’t give two shits about the roommate. But if they do have a genuine friendship, then what’s wrong with trying to be supportive during this time?

19

First, thank you all for your responses! You have no idea how much I appreciate it. I don’t have any experience with this sort of thing and was feeling really helpless.

On my lunch break I checked my VM and there was a message from the institute with the name and number of her case manager, so I am going to try to call them later on my break to see what they say.

And I did just talk to her brother and told him about everything, and gave him the above case manager contact information. I hope they’ll talk to him.

We were friends before we were roommates, but not best friends - I mean, close enough that I talk to her family, but I am almost totally separate from her other social circles. But I still feel obligated to try to not make this worse for her - I can’t really just say “see you later!” and vanish.

And we aren’t students, we are working adults (although I certainly feel like a little child right now!). …But either way, I do have to think about the living situation and bring that up with her soon. To be completely honest, right now I do not want to live with her at all because I am scared, but this might be a temporary feeling. Hopefully I can manage to convey that tactfully without her thinking that I don’t want to be her friend anymore. We rent directly from our landlord, and he seems like a decent guy, so hopefully he’ll let me work with him on it - I can’t really afford to live on my own right now though.

It didn’t even occur to me her family could come get her since they are out of state - I really wish they would. I can’t imagine the car ride back, except that it would be taking awkward silence to a whole new level.

Anyway, thank you again!

(edit note: I didn’t see bobkitty’s last post when I wrote this)

20

If the OP is friends with the roommate’s brother, I would assume they are all friends and not just roommates by chance or convenience. I agree with you that the best course may turn out to be them not living together, but it seems more emotionally complicated than just roommates.