Suicide and the aftermath

In My Humble Opinion
1

First off, I apologize if this should belong in MPSIPS, moderators. Seemed like enough of a polling question to belong here, I think.

Second, a short recap: on January 27, 1997, a friend of mine killed himself by jumping off a bridge into the Mississippi river. I was at college in Boston at the time, and was unable to attend the funeral, and didn’t return home until the summer, at which point everyone had dealt with it and it wasn’t the prominent topic at hand.

Third, the point: on Friday one of my roommates (“Bob”) tried to kill himself with an overdose of pills - about 100 assorted pills of Prozac, ibuprofen, welbutrin, and something else. My other roommate found him several hours later, and rushed him to the hospital. He’s conscious and coherent now, and will be held for observation for about a week, then has a month or more of outpatient treatment.

Just what the hell am I supposed to do?!

Yes, I know there’s the standard response of “Be a friend, don’t press any issue, etcetcetc”. But how am I supposed to feel? I’m moving from “Goddamnit, you IDIOT” to “Jesus, why didn’t I see this coming?” to “Christ, this really sucks” to “What the hell do I do?”

Yeah, I also know that it’s normal to feel this way, but this is the first time I’ve gone through this. And then there’s all the other things: rent is due. Neither I nor my other roommate have the cash on hand to cover Bob’s share this month. It’s not exactly right to go up to him and ask for a check while he’s in the hospital.

I got home from my grandmother’s on Sunday afternoon, found out from a voicemail where Bob was, and spent the rest of the day at the hospital. I came by to visit again tomorrow, and I’ll fight through traffic to see him today after work. I brought him some books and a deck of cards so he doesn’t spend all the time staring at the wall (which is what I remember doing when I was last in a hospital). He said he wants visitors, so I guess this is good.

Do I bring the subject up when he comes home? (But then, I don’t even know if he’ll be coming home- he may move back in with his parents, which would then necessitate finding another roommate or breaking the lease) Just what do I do?

And what’s morbidly funny is that after I got home from the hospital Sunday night, I was too tired and had too much of a headache to go out and do anything for New Year’s Eve. But there wasn’t any ibuprofen left. I can’t help but laugh exhaustedly at that.

And if there’s no advice forthcoming, since every situation is different, then I guess it’s just helpful for me to rant this out here.

Thanks, and stuff.

2

See a counselor. Most schools offer students this opportunity. Take advantge, Don’t knock it.

The best thing to do is talk about it. You sound bitter, and I’d consider that healthy, although everyone deals with things differently, there is no right or wrong way.

Everything you hear from friends, family, this board, will be cliche’, but maye a counselor will help you, and he’ll be more objective than friends.

3

I lost a friend to suicide last May. It never gets ‘easy’…but it’s a weight that becomes a part of you over time and you learn to know it well.

My friend’s death hit my best buddy hard. Hard enough to get him in to talk to somebody. It wasn’t a miracle cure, but he did feel much better. He learned that he was capable of handling the situation. I think he was beginning to doubt that.

So, go see someone. Just promise yourself you’ll go once. See how it goes. If you need to go again…you get my meaning. Just promise yourself the one time to start with.

As for your rent–call your super. Explain. Any warm blooded human will have sense enough to cut you some slack.

Good luck to you, honey. I’m sure sorry for you, your roommate and especially for your hospitalized friend. He’s going to need you–and it may prove beneficial to you to be there. I’ll be thinking about all of you.

4

When I was 17 or so one of my roommates tried to slash his wrists. We were pretty lucky to find him when we did. I guess he was too, although he didn’t see it that way at the time. He spent a while in the hospital recovering both physically and psychologically before returning home. We basically tried to pretend that nothing happened but that was more a reflection of his nature and preference than any real unwillingness on our part. I guess roommates have a pretty ambiguous relationship when it comes to these things.
FWIW I doubt the hospital is going to release him without any counselling… this isn’t that rare. I believe my friend did a fair ammount of talking to professionals and family. His time with us was a welcome break from the subject. It’s been 10 years now, he’s doing great and we haven’t discussed it since the day it happened. This may seem escapist, but I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for him to face everyone in the days following.

We weren’t really the best at paying rent on time or in full in those days so I’m afraid I can’t offer any advice there.

5

Sheesh, I am distracted and absentminded.

Pretend I said yesterday.

I’m not a student any more, but Bob is. (Was? He probably won’t be attending classes this spring.) I could probably just go to the university anyway.

I’ve got no problem with them keeping him as long as necessary. As long as it takes for him to get the help he needs.

I was unintentionally vague in that last message. Both Bob and I were close friends to our friend who died in 1997. I have no idea how hard it affected him.

Thanks for the thoughts and suggestions.

6

That is such an awful experience! I lost a friend to suicide last summer, and it is amazing to me the number and variety of emotions that you go through. I found myself going through periods for feeling sorry for her, and then feeling sorry for myself.

I hope you will take struuter’s excellent advice and talk to your landlord. A decent person will be understanding about the situation, and if not, at least you will know where you stand with the landlord. Then you can decide what to do next.

There is an wonderful support group that has chapters in many cities for “survivors of suicide” – people who have lost family or friends to suicide. If you (or anyone else reading this) are interested in this, feel free to email me (it’s in my profile) and I will send the contact information to you.

As to “what to do” with Bob, it sounds like you are doing everything you should or can do – by visiting him and just being his friend. As time goes by, he will most likely let you know if and how he wants to talk about things with you. Don’t forget that your needs are important too. Especially since you were both close to your first friend, you might need to talk about things for your own peace of mind. I think it’s possible for you to open the subject without being demanding, accusing or insensitive to Bob. You might go with your honest feelings by saying something like “You know, over the years I keep thinking about “Joe’s” (your other friend) suicide, and there are still so many things about it that upset me.” Bob might then let you know he doesn’t feel up to talking about that yet, or, he might be hoping you want to talk about this, and can take it from there.

Since he had Prozac and Welbutrin in the house, I’m assuming Bob was already being treated for depression. This probably means he has doctors who are already familiar with him, and are prepared to make sure he gets all the help they can give him now.

7

Great advice so far.

Contact your local chapter of the Salvation Army, they often have one-time assistance grants specifically to help people through situations like this. Talk to the super about dividing the past due rent over a couple of months if all else fails.

Consider going to a group therapy session with your friend. That way he will feel as though he has some “back up” in what can otherwise be a difficult environment. Ask your friend to start a journal about what has been happening to him before and after his attempt. It will serve as a guidepost for him in the coming years as he deals with this.

Try and take your friend out somewhere to a place of spectacular scenic beauty, preferably with lots of animals and wildlife, so that he can see the beauty of the world around him. Too often, among the barren walls of the city, we forget that this world is filled with extraordinary life.

Go beyond “being a friend”. Let him know, out loud, that you care and want to be a part of his life so that he will never feel so alone again. At some point, even if he is reticent to discuss his attempt, you owe it to yourself and your friend to bring this up and clear the air. You too have been impacted by this and I strongly recommend that you go for at least one solid session of counseling so that you do not carry away any psychic baggage from this as well.

Best wishes to you and your friend. You are a good man for doing what you can to help your friend.

8

Do you know Bob parents? Are they on good terms?
Perhaps you could ask them what they think you should do about Bobs financial situation. They are probably overwhelmed and haven’t even considered it. It may well give them something concrete to “do”, some definite way to “help”.

9

Thanks again for your responses.

I visited him again last night- they’ve moved him to a psychiatric ward, which is all nice and paranoid with chain-link at the windows and every door locked and warning signs outside about bringing in weapons or anything that could be used as a weapon. How charming. He’ll go home tomorrow or Friday.

In one of his group therapy sessions, they all had to draw pictures. The first thing that ran through his mind was a quote from The Sixth Sense, where the boy says “…people smiling, dogs running, rainbows. They don’t have meetings about rainbows.” So, of course, he draws a detailed picture of a martial artist. (Which was a pretty good picture. Drawing is one of his talents.)

His parents came by later in the evening before I left, and his mother said that she wants to give me a check for his share of the rent, so that’s not a worry.

This weekend I’ll look into finding a counselor. struuter, I promise I’ll go at least once.

10

Good for you. I’m proud of you. And I’m proud of your friend’s parents for helping. I can’t tell you how lucky–I know it doesn’t look like it now–just how lucky you all are.

I wish we had been so lucky with my friend. Boy I miss him.

But, I will tell you that my other friend, the one who went to see a counselor–went once. It was a good, cleansing experience for him, and most of all left him with the feeling that help was there for him. All he had to do was ask for it. I’m not in any way saying that once is enough. But for right now, that’s all you need to worry about. And I hope you know how much we’re all pulling for you.
Take care of you.