My friend tried to kill himself...what more can I do?

In My Humble Opinion
1

This morning I received a call from my friend who I hadn’t seen in over a year. I know him from a job we had 5 years ago, though he worked in a different office so we didn’t interact face-to-face very often. Though we’ve stayed in touch over the years, and hung out a few times, we’ve never been super close and I can’t say I have a great grasp on his personal life.

Which is why I’m surprised I was the one he called to tell me he tried to kill himself this morning.

Right away, I could tell he wasn’t right. After a few pleasantries, he broke down and told me through tears that he couldn’t take it anymore. “It” being the lifestyle he’s found himself living the past three months, which began with a cross-country move to a new city for a job.

From what I could gather, his issues are that he has no friends in this new city, has had several scuffles with the locals (he’s white, but lives in a bad area of China Town, apparently,) is frustrated by his lack of transportation (grocery shopping is a 3-hour ordeal), and his lack of finances, part of which is due to the cost of him moving out for the job in the first place.

After explaining why he can’t take living there anymore, he dropped the bombshell (though he was very embarrassed and almost didn’t want to tell me–I didn’t press the issue at all and said it was up to him if he wished to share): He slit his wrist this morning.

Thankfully he apparently didn’t do a good job as he was no longer bleeding when he called (I checked!). I tried to explain this what he’s feeling is only temporary, and that while I can’t fully understand his current situation, that I went through something similar when I first moved cross-country 5 years ago (though never suicidal, I was definitely depressed, anxious, and stressed). I explained what he was feeling was temporary and told him he could stay at my place if he ever decided to move back and needs a place to stay. And he’s apparently already applied at “two hundred other jobs” (his words)–in any case, it seems he’s desperate to get out, but the lack of money or a job is preventing him from doing so.

I also strongly urged him to seek help through his employer’s health plan for therapy in the interim, which he agreed was a good course of action.

Obviously this is a very serious issue and I’m not at all an expert. I appreciate that he called me, but it also greatly concerns me…I don’t know if he called anyone else, or why he thought I would be the best person to go to, but it’s worrying that there might be no one else he can confide to–I’m hundreds of miles a way; there’s not a ton I can do from here.

And as such, I don’t know what all it is that I SHOULD be doing to make sure he gets through this. Hell, I don’t even know if there is enough that I can be doing.

Has anyone else gone through this? What more can I do to help and make sure his doesn’t attempt to kill himself again? I want to check up on him, but I also don’t want to over-do it, if that’s possible? Any help or direction at all would be greatly appreciated.

2

I almost didn’t make it through my first day of work.

Finished grad school, moved to a new town where I didn’t know anybody. Had NOTHING in my apartment; moving truck wasn’t going to arrive with my stuff for several days. All I had was a sleeping bag, some blankets, a pillow, and my toolbox. I was severely depressed over leaving a city I loved and friends I had known for six years, and facing a major change in my life (moving from academia to the professional world). I spent the first couple of hours being shown around the building, then got dumped into a meeting that lasted until 2:30, leaving me just enough time to get a cheeseburger and a cup of coffee before returning to said meeting. That afternoon I actually started planning on cutting my wrists iwth a utility knife from my toolbox when I got home. That thought lasted for a few minutes before I caught myself and decided instead to call the employee assistance program (when I got home), whose number I had spotted during the morning’s orientation. Somehow I got through the day without melting down, and called the number when I got home. It was helpful to talk to somebody even if they were a complete stranger, and they also lined up a couple of free sessions for me with a therapist. I also called my sister, who flew in later in the week (after the moving truck arrived) to help me settle in.

After that I was on antidepressants for a while, and also saw a therapist for a while. Don’t know how much good the pills did. I enjoyed conversing with the therapist, though I’m not sure how much actual good that did me, either. But things got better. Your friend might find that those things help him out, although he does have some actual issues in his life that need to be addressed.

Your friend’s case seems a bit different from mine. I feel like I was mostly hit by the jarring change in my life. But your friend is unhappy after three months of his new lifestyle, and if in his moment of crisis he’s calling someone he hasn’t seen in a year, then he’s lacking a good support network. If he doesn’t have friends in his neighborhood, then he needs to make some - if not on his block, then within a 20-minute bus ride. He needs a hobby that can connect him with other people in his vicinity - and then he needs to actually get out and make those connections. If there are social opportunities at work, he needs to take advantage of them - go to lunch with coworkers, get together with them for a beer at the end of the workday, etc.

If you want to be his friend, shoot him an email or call him once in a while. If you’ve enjoyed spending time with him in the past, maybe it’s worthwhile going to visit him. That can also help you develop a better understanding/appreciation of his environment.

3

Is him moving in with you an option?

4

One thing you could do is let him know that you’ll be calling in a few days. Keep doing this over and over again. If he knows he has to be accountable to you, he might be less likely to do anything.

And if he’s that miserable, making another lifestyle change is always an option.

5

Keep calling him. If it’s feasible, call him in the morning to say a chipper, five minute, “Good Morning!” and start his day off feeling like somebody cares about him.

I know he’s not your best friend, and you have to begin with a realistic assessment of how much time/energy you want to put into this, but he’s obviously chosen you as the one he’s going to trust with his life. It actually takes only a small effort to help someone get back up on their feet at a time like this.

Keep askign whether he has seen that therapist yet. If he does get started, then you can slowly back off. If he doesn’t, then you have to decide how much longer you want to be his support if he’s not trying to help himself.

But don’t get ahead of the game. Just call once per day and encourage him. Mention the therapist in passing each day until he’s done it. Not pressuring, not berating, just “Hey, how’d that go, did you find one yet?”

6

I mention in the post I told him he could.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I’ll give him a call today to make sure he’s still okay…

7

You are a good friend to just listen.

suicide Prevention life line

Another excellent resource.

8

You’re doing the right thing by encouraging him to get professional help dealing with these issues.
That’s really the best thing you can do for him. While being a supportive friend is great, it’s not like you have the training to take responsibility for his mental health on your shoulders.
If you have any reason to think he is in imminent danger of trying to kill himself again, don’t be afraid to call the police to check on him. In most areas, the police will take someone to an emergency room for an emergency mental health evaluation if someone calls them saying the person is actively planning to attempt suicide.