A Friend Of Mine Wants To Blow His Brains Out....

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

… and I’m scared he might do it.

We met a few months ago and played guitars together, and I knew at the time he was bipolar, but that night he felt fine and happy to be jamming with me.

Not long after, I was told he needed to be admitted back into the hospital because his Lithium was beginning to affect his liver function, and they took him off it and put him on something else (don’t know what), but he never got better, so they put him back on the Lithium and sent him home.

He has answered exactly one e-mail from me, and explained what was going on, but since then… nothing. Not even his “Thank You” card for his service (he’s a Navy veteran), and I am very worried, because even though I took a few psych courses in college, with this dementia shit going on with me, how can I help him, and I want to so much.

He’s a very likeable guy, and has invited me to hike part of Appalachian with him (he’s VERY fit, Karate. etc.) , so I’m trying to get in shape for that, because it would be a kind of “bonding” thing, and I have to tell y’all: I don’t have that many friends in the US. They are all in Germany. along with my family (uncles, aunts and cousins).

D and I have been talking to his wife (Well D has. I’m afraid that in my condition I would just make things worse).

His wife has a lot of knowledge in what’s going on, (has a degree), but this threat is something new, and I am very afraid for both of them.

It may seem selfish to y’all, (hell, it seems selfish to me!), but I have never gotten so close to someone in so short a time, and I don’t want him to kill himself.

I know there’s nothing y’all can do, but this is the only place I know to go where I can share my feelings, and I’m worried about him so much.

Thanks

Bill

2

Not LIVER function! KIDNEY function, above, sorry!

Q

3

It sounds like a tough damn situation. It’s kind of a catch-22 in that, ideally you’d want to call the police on him if he’s threatening imminent harm to himself. But, in so doing you’d lose him as a friend. So you’re stuck choosing between having him as a friend and having him alive.

I think the most important thing to remember is, if he really wants to kill himself, nobody (not even you) can stop him (so if he does, you shouldn’t feel guilty). Hopefully by being a good friend, you will give him reasons to live (like the hike you’re supposed to take together). But if he decides it’s not worth it and kills himself anyway, hopefully you don’t take it personally.

If he won’t answer emails and you can’t meet him in person, it sounds like your hands are tied. But if he WILL talk to you, and he’s known to be suicidal, then talking about it is not giving him ideas that he hasn’t already had a thousand times before. So maybe you could try that.

4

Plus, I guess calling for help would be his wife’s responsiblity, not mine, correct, rachelellogram?

Luckily she has a Psych degree, so hopefully she can deal with it. Trouble is, I worry about her too.

I have written light-hearted and numerous e-mails, asking him about chords on the guitar, and mentioning the hike, but he’s just not answering.

D and I are wondering if we should just “drop in” on both of them one day, but he’s intelligent enough to know why we were there. Also, when he was hospitalized I asked her if we could visit, and was told it woud be better if we didn’t.

They live way on the other side of Atlanta, a 50 mile drive, but if he asked for me, we’d go right away.

And no, r, I wouldn’t take it personally. I would just always wonder what more I could have done - as I think everyone else would.

Thanks

Q

5

His wife’s going to have more information on a day-to-day basis than you do, so let her make the call.

Speaking as someone who’s battled depression for more than 10 years now and has had suicidal ideation and compulsions to harm myself, BE SELFISH! Tell him that you want him around, that he matters, that you like him, that - by God - he better be there for the Appalachian hike. If he’s dealing with anything like I have, he needs to hear that. Because, I can promise you, his addled brain is telling him he’s worthless, he doesn’t matter, that people only put up with him because they’re polite, and that no one’s really going to miss him.

Even if he doesn’t answer back - which he might not, because depression saps your energy and ability to organize and start tasks - he will read what you send him, and it will matter to him.

I will tell you that the one thing that kept me from harming myself - time and again - was knowing that if I did so, my mother would never recover. I was quizzed by a doctor once as to my state of mind, and I’m pretty sure the only reason he didn’t call for restraints and a trip to the hospital psych ward was because when he asked me if I was going to kill myself, my answer was “I don’t get to. My mom needs me too much.”

It did get better. It does for many. Your friend will remember whatever kindness you can spare for him.

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I guess I might have had suicidal ideations when I found out about my dementia, because D got concerned enough when I said something to the effect, “I think it might be better for all concerned if I weren’t arround anymore”.

That’s kind of a “veiled threat”, isn’t it, phouka, but it was enough for her to ask me to voluntarily admit myself to Charter, and it was there I got my meds adjusted.

I will continue to write the e-mails, and ask him about the route, gear etc., and tell him about his worth and how much I “took” to him (a Southern expression), the first time we met.

I thank you for your support

Q

7

Oh, yeah. There have been a couple of times when I’d have liked to have said something along those lines, except I know it would be the start of a six month long family style General Quarters alarm, and I just can’t bear to disrupt everyone’s lives like that.

There have been a couple of times when it probably would have been better if I had. /chagrined smile

8

I think your response to this situation has been just perfect, so just keep that in mind if you start to worry too much. He knows you are there to help him if he needs you, and even though he isn’t answering your emails, he very well could be reading them and drawing sustenance from them.

Since his wife has her professional skills to draw on and has a bird’s-eye view, so to speak, of his mental state, I think you’re quite right to leave it to her to watch over his physical safety. **phouka **is right on about keeping him aware that you want him in the world and in your life. All that stuff keeps him connected to life and to people, and that’s the best thing you can do for him.

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Hey sweetie. It’s awesome that you’re being there for your friend in any way he needs, and just like phouka said, even though he’s not responding, he appreciates your very thoughtful emails. So you’re right to keep doing that.

And echoing rachel, if your friend truly decided to give up, it would be regardless of anything or anyone else. The best you can do is leave the lines of communication open and see if he wishes to discuss it with you.

I know the times I tried to commit suicide, what I wanted most is for someone to understand where I was coming from. Not necessarily telling me things would improve ('cause what happens when they don’t?) or pressure on me about what I needed to do ('cause what if I couldn’t see past my depression / whatever to do it… would they abandon me?), but just hearing me out and really grasping my issues. Like what bi-polar means or how to find a support group in my area.

Mostly, it was about not being treated like I was “other” when I couldn’t help myself. Do that and your friend will know he’s special to you. And despite anything, that’s what will matter to him most.

Good luck and keep us posted! We’re all rooting for you.

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Thank you, Kemi and right now I feel like an ass because I haven’t asked you about your Jaceon (God, I hope that’s right!) and I so hope he’s okay!

There is also one other person I needed to keep in touch with, and his nick fails me right now.

Y’all are just gonna have to forgive me, okay? I TRY to keep up, but if your answers wind up in my TRASH folder, or if it has been several days since the OP and replies. I may have problems trying to make sense with them.

Thanks

Q

11

Fuck this shit, I can’t sleep for worrying about this. This is my own computer room, but it’s right next also to my own bedroom I can go to when I can’t sleep and D needs hers so bad.

So it’s just me and Bert (our cat) and me snugglin’ up, off and on in my bed trying to get through this night, and, of course me and y’all.

I have never in my life had this happen (this again sounds selfish, right?), and I have never in my life been presented with complications such as these.

I would react the same way were it one of you, and feel just as helpless, but this is a person I could reach out and touch, and did before he and his wife left after the guitar jam.

So here it is, 1:07 am on Wednesday, and I’m scared to death that a new friend may off himself.

We have their address and I am just wondering would a personal appearance from a friend (me), settle him back down?

'Cause it sure ain’t keeping me from de-railing.

Again. I know there’s nothing y’all can do, but just write to me…

Bill

12

Check with his wife. She’ll be able to tell you if a guest would help or cause more stress.

There has never been a time in my own depression when I didn’t want company, especially that of someone who cared about me.

You know, when you get worried, do something. Send him an email with a link to a funny video. Tell him about an idea you’ve had regarding the hike. Write a paragraph about your day and the freaky weird funny stuff that happens. I never resented hearing my friends talk about happy things. I was always happy on their behalf.

But remember, like Alzheimer’s and cancer, depression is a disease, and while it may look like he’s the active party, he’s not. If you wouldn’t tear yourself up over a friend with cancer maybe dying RIGHT NOW, then don’t tear yourself up over your friend with depression maybe dying RIGHT NOW. Sometimes, you can help, and sometimes, no one can help. Don’t beat yourself up over it. The fact that you care and are doing something about it is more than 95% of the rest of the world can claim.

13

We DID just try to call… voice mail. I have sent some funny e-mails, some bass runs I am tryiing to learn and am having to slow down with this little machine I have, wrote him about my fucked up day… nothing.

This isn’t someone I have known for years who has suddenly got cancer. He’s someone I have known for a short time, whom I do not want to lose.

When daylight hits in a little while, I plan to call HER, and ask how things are. As before, I am hoping she will have or will check him back in to the hospital.

Thanks

Q

14

This is just my two cents worth, but when I was at the most depressed point in my life, for me, there was such a thing as friends trying to contact me too much. I knew they were concerned and I appreciated that. However, every time that I’d hear from them past a certain point I would feel like there was pressure being put on me to rejoin the land of the living. In other words, I felt guilty like I was disappointing my friends because I couldn’t function normally and this made me feel worse instead of better.

Quasi, I know that you care about him and it sounds like you’ve done all that you can. I’m certainly not trying to make you feel bad, I’m just trying to give you a different perspective. Hopefully his wife will get him checked back into the hospital soon.

15

Münchausen by Internet

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grantham, your contributions to this board have been to make that exact post twice, both in threads started by Quasimodem. I don’t know what your deal is, but I’m issuing you an official warning. This is your final opportunity to stop whatever campaign you’re on.

Ellen Cherry
MPSIMS Moderator

17

Quasi, you’re a great friend to him. Do he and his wife share a phone number? If so, perhaps he’s back in the hospital and that might explain why voice mail is on and why neither of them is returning your call.

Hang in there. I know from personal experience that you can’t force someone to be happy or want to live.

You have to take care of D and yourself, keep your energy for your own fight. Keep hoping for your friend, but you’ve done enough already to remind him that you’re on his side.

18

D spoke with his wife earlier and it appears that for now all is well. We appreciate everyone’s concern for all of us, especially my friend, and I also thank all of you for the advice on how to handle this whole thing.

Love you guys

Bill

19

There’s just one thing I wanted to add, and that is: AFAIK, no one on this board has ever cast one shred of doubt against anyone’s plea for help where a possible suicide is concerned. In this instance, it was me who asked on behalf of a friend, and I asked here, because this is where my friends live, and I totally mean that. Except for my friend mentioned in this thread, y’all are the rest, and I appreciate you being there for me.

Bill

20

Oh, good, I’m glad this was bumped for good reasons, not bad.