Give me some advice on counseling a friend.

In My Humble Opinion
1

I wasn’t really sure if I wanted to write this, but I’m kind of at wit’s end. I don’t feel comfortable asking my friends this (for privacy reasons on behalf of my friend), so I pose my question to the Teeming Millions. (Sorry about all the "X"s, but I don’t want anyone who knows me to be able to know who I’m talking about.)

First, a little background. X has had a tumultuous family life in the recent past. There were 2 very tragic, sudden deaths that occurred a couple of years ago. (Suicide based.) These two particular deaths hit X very hard, and X has never really recovered.

In the past couple of months, X has lost a couple of friends and family members due to various reasons. (Mostly illness and old age.) It has happened once a month since the first incident in August. X dreads the first of each month, wondering who is going to die this month.

Today, a friend of X committed suicide. This person was close to X, and I am worried about X. The funeral for the friend is going to be at the same funeral home where X’s family had a previous suicide-related funeral. X has already stated that going to the actual funeral does not seem possible, based on family history.

I’m not within driving distance of X, but if I was, I would be there right now. I talked to X for a while this afternoon, after the news came. I want to be able to say something to X, but I’m not sure what. X has a good head, and X would never do anything silly, but I’m just worried that this incident is going to be the straw breaking the camel’s back.

I’m relieved by the fact that X will be with friends tonight; that’s exactly where X needs to be.

Is there anything else I can say other than “I’ve been there, and I know how you feel”? That sounds so trite, and while I’ve had friends commit suicide before, I have never been in a situation quite like this. I did tell X that this is not a trend, just a freak occurence, and it too shall pass, but I felt like such an ass saying that. I told X that if anything happens tonight, no matter what the time, to call me.

So, wonderful and wise Dopers, do you have any other advice about what I can say to X? I think I’m going to work my way around to mentioning counseling, but other than that, what should I say? :frowning:

2

Definetly sugest a moment with a counselor. It doesn’t have to be the beginning of a lifetime in daily therapy, but even three sessions over a month’s time can do a world of good. Therapy is even for stable, good people who are just having a rough spot.

Other than that, tell X what you have said here, that you know they are a good person, that the bad stuff has to end, and that you love them.

3

Ditto on recomending a conselor. In fact, I would recomend that you do the leg work, or get a friend that is there too–I mean either find a free community service (look up the mental health hot line in the phone book) or find out what her insurance will cover (she may have to call and give permission for you to talk to them, but literally call, hand her the phone, have her give permission, and then take hte phone back) and make her an appointment. Then drive her to the appointment. You can’t help her heart, but you can help with the day-to-day BS that makes everything 100X harder than it hasto be. So do that. And follow up!

4

Thanks. I’m not so sure that X will be too receptive to the counselling idea, but who knows. I just don’t want X to flip out later because they couldn’t keep it bottled up any more.

If anyone else has advice, I’m willing to listen.

5

Sometimes just being a listening ear is important. I would suggest counseling but not push it, a person does have to be ready.

Avoid cliches. “I know how you’re feeling” won’t work. But something like, “I really don’t know what it must be like right now for you, but I do care. I’m so very glad you are my friend.” might, but even then, X might not find that helpful. Not yet anyways.

Do a search on danger signs for suicide and read them carefully, thinking of your friend X.

Send X a card. Real card. Snail mail. Don’t focus on anything heavy, make it like a friendly smile. And then, don’t ask if they got it. They got it. The advantage of a card is X can see it, touch it, re-read it, contemplate it in private…

When X is ready to talk, listen. I mean really listen. What’s really bothering X may be something you never considered.

I’m not a mental health professional. But these types of things helped me when I had four family members and one close friend die in the space of a year. Only one was due to old age. When I finally accepted for myself that I needed counseling, I went. And it helped.

Um,… don’t be so private yourself. Online cannot replace real faces. Talk to someone you know. Really…

6

Well, NoClueBoy, the only reason I don’t want to talk to my friends about this is because X is not friends with them. X lives in another state, and I have kind of a controversial friendship with X. A lot of my friends turn their noses up at my friendship with X. I know, f%^k 'em, and while X is someone very dear to me, it’s not the kind of person I would dump my nearby friends for. I just avoid bringing X up in conversation.

As far as X’s privacy, I don’t think it’s very polite to blab X’s personal business to people that X might end up hanging out with one day.

Good idea about the card, though. Thanks.