My friend is dying

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Sorry to bring everyone down with this bummer of a thread, but i’m a wreck about this and i need all the advice i can get.

This girl i’ve been corresponding with since last summer via E-mail and AIM just told me the other night that she has cancer. i don’t know what kind, but she told me it wraps around the spine. According to her, she’s had roughly 10 operations within the last couple of months, so the doctors have pretty much given up on her. They say she has another three years, at the most.

Well, not really knowing how to gracefully lead into what i feel about this, i’ll just dive into it.

First of all, this obviously saddens me because she’s my friend. She’s probably the best online friend i have. But the thing that really gets me is that she’s only fourteen (three years younger than me), although if you talked to her without knowing her age, you’d think she was much older. Hell, her favorite band is the Greatful Dead. And she’s probably smarter than most of the people i know(myself included. i don’t know how she puts up with me).

Anyway, it just bothers me that someone as young and brilliant and beautiful (believe me when i say that this girl is absolutley gorgeous for her age) is going to die when she’s my age. And i know that people die at a young age all the time, but… i don’t know. i guess i’ve just never known anyone like her. Not to mention the fact that what little life she’s had has been pretty much miserable. Her dad died a few years ago, every guy she’s loved has either killed himself or turned into a complete dick, and she has chronic insomnia.

Another thing that bothers me is that if we are still communicating three years from now, i won’t really get a chance to say goodbye to her. i probably won’t even know that it happened. It’s not like her mom will get on under her screen name and wait around to tell her buddy list that she has passed on. And as close to me as she is (figuratively speaking) i feel like i should have the chance to say goodbye.

And i want to talk to her about all of this, but she refuses to discuss it. Of course, i don’t blame her for that, but there are just certain things that i would like to know so that i can eliviate a portion of the pain i’m feeling right now.

i don’t know, that’s all i can really think of typing for now. What do you guys make of all this?

2

I’m sorry for your pain, Diesel. But I’m really not sure what question you are asking here. Depending on what you are looking to find out, I can move this thread to the forum where you will get the best answers.

Let me know.

3

Hmm.

i guess what i’d like to know is a) How do i go about talking to her, and b) How do i go about handling all this? As much as i feel like a kid when i say this, nobody that close to me has ever died before, so i really have no idea how to deal with this. Guess i had to learn sometime, right? :-/

4

As someone who met one of his best friends online, maybe I can help.

I met Stacy my first year of college in a music chat room. Over the course of the following 3 years, we became very, very good friends.

In March of last year, I finally went to meet her. It was the best five days of my life. I didn’t think it was possible, but our friendship is now tighter than ever. I’m at the top of the list of invites for her wedding. When we both eventually live on the East Coast, we’ll be able to see each other as much as we’d like.

My advice? Meet this girl in real life. True friendships can be formed over the Internet, but it will always, always lack that certain something. It’s something you don’t know is lacking until it falls into place.

When that happens, everything changes. Her family knows you. Her friends know you. You become a true part of each other’s lives. If something were to ever, God forbid, happen to Stacy, I know her fiance or her mother would tell me. That was something that I genuinely worried about before meeting her. I don’t anymore.

Given the time frame you’re working with, see her soon. See her when you can still go out with her, have fun, whatever. Hopefully her mom will be cool with a 17-year-old visiting their still young daughter. Though I suspect she will give her daughter anything she wants at this point.

There’s my .02 dollars. I hope things go as well as they can for you and her.

5

I would suggest that you do broach this subject gently, and I think your friend will make it clear how much support and guidance she wants. If she told you this much, and it is all true, make it clear that you are there to provide as much support as she needs and that she can always talk to you confidentially. Tell her jokes. Meet her if it is practical and desired. Most of all, do not try to change the way you talk to this friend of yours just because of this horrid news. Most of the time, she will want to forget about tis problem and will want to talk to you as she always has. AT times, she will become very upset and preoccupied about this… make it clear you will do what she wants you to do to help her out, and that will already help more than you think.

6

I’m going to move this thread to our “community” forum, MPSIMS. All the best to you and your friend.

7

How do you talk to her? The way you would talk to anyone else; treat her no differently than you would another friend. What can you do for her? Let her know you are there if she needs to talk, a shoulder to cry on, etc. Be a friend, that’s what she needs most right now.

As for the future, which is unknowable, who’s to say she won’t outlive you? Miracles happen all the time – they could find a cure for her before the next three years are up, she could have been misdiagnosed, heck, she could make a truly miraculous recovery. Best to “Hope for the Best, Expect the Worst” in these cases.

Mostly, try to be positive and optimistic without being unduly cheerful. Take your cues from her. If she doesn’t want to talk about it now, she might later. Meanwhile, perhaps you can find some others who have been in this situation and discuss it with them.

As for you and your friend, I’ll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. My best to you!

8

A small suggestion…

Talk to her about it, when you feel comfortable doing so. Then make arrangements to keep in contact. Via the net, phone, or maybe someone in her family will call you if necessary.

It will be a comfort to her just to know that you *want[i/] to continue knowing her, even though she is sick, or when she gets sicker. You can feel so low when you are very ill, and to know that someone is interested you and persistent in their contact is very helpfull.

9

Read…

preview…

and then hit the post button! :rolleyes:

10

The advice everyone has given is great. I especially agree with being a shoulder for her and letting her talk about her illness if she wants to and not if she doesn’t. I love the idea of you meeting her, but given your ages, that may be difficult unless her parents agree.

Having addressed taking care of her, how about taking care of yourself? Have you considered talking to a sympathetic adult about your own feelings about your friend? Someone at church, a school counselor or teacher, even a friend’s parent, maybe? I feel old typing this, but it seems to me that someone who is older and has been through the loss of a friend or family member might be more likely to be able to help you. Also, if you are a reader, there are some great books out there about death and grief. Let me know if you want recommendations.

11

Sure, Brynda, anything you might be able to suggest would be great.

Well, thanks for all of your advice. Again, sorry to bring everyone down and use the SDMB as an advice column.

12

Diesel

I am so sorry that your friend, and you, are having to go through this. It is especially hard when this sort of thing happens to someone who has not really had a chance to live the life they ought to have.

Brynda has said all that I would say, so just let me add that my prayers and my heart go out to you.

((((Diesel))))

Scotti

13

There are lots of good books on death and dying at any bookstore, so you might want to just look for what appeals to you. Two I liked that focus specifically on the family member, friend, etc (as opposed to the person who is ill) are Witness to Illness by Karen Holowitz and Doulas Lanes and Final Gifts by Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley.

All the best to you, Diesel, and to your friend. I hope you find someone IRL to talk to, but you can keep coming here for suport, too.

14

Excellent advice, all. Sickness is scary, you have my sympathy. I am developing a pit-worthy rant on the medical community imposing death sentences. Oooof! What a load of hooey!

Three years? WTF do they know? They don’t even know what causes cancer (a hugely encompassing word signifying ‘uncontrolled growth of cells’).

My little bit of advice: your friend is not dying but living. I’m not encouraging anyone to keep their head in the sand but miracles happen so often as to be common.

One day at a time. Three years from now some oncologist will probably be telling her ‘three years’.

Medically-imposed death sentences have been known to become self-fulfilling prophecies. Stay positive. Explore homeopathy. Research the condition on your own.

15

I’m with you on this one. The loss of my brother to Melanoma last January is still painfully fresh. Once it became clear hw wasn’t going to beat it, our prayers turned from his recovering, to his passing easy, which he did.

You have a lot of good advice here, so I won’t repeat it except to say be there for her as best you can, and should the time come for her to leave, let her go with joy in your heart for having known her.

For those loved ones we’ve lost, I believe they are never truly gone, as long as they live in our memories. Best wishes to you and your friend.