Okay. My roommate attempted suicide last Tuesday night. I figure it’s okay to mention this here, because it’s not like anyone from school reads this.
Scenario: I get home from an Alliance meeting about the Day of Silence. It’s about midnight. I see a bunch of empty pill bottles on my bed, and no roommate. I freak out, call a mutual friend to ask where she is, search the building, look for our RA–nothing. Finally, I find the other RA on our floor, who explains what happened, that my roommate is in the hospital, and that she’s going to be fine, at least physically. She brought herself to the RA, so she at least changed her mind.
A friend and I spent the night with her until about 3:45 AM, when she’s transferred to another hospital with a better behavioral ward. I get back to my friend’s room around 4, but I wasn’t able to sleep.
So next day, I go to class. I inform her teachers that she is “in the hospital,” as she doesn’t want anyone to know what happened. One teacher guesses. She’d confided in him. I assure him that she’s physically fine, that she’ll be back soon. I also field questions from people on our floor who saw the paramedics come. Again, I have to lie.
I try to sleep during the day, but I get six thousand phone calls. Finally, night. But I find that I’m really uncomfortable in the room; I keep on worrying about her. Keep on looking at her bed and wondering. I feed her fish, change its water, then go spend the night with my friend Jim. We don’t get to bed until late. He snores. I get maybe 4 and a half hours of sleep.
Yesterday: class and more phone calls. I find that she’s doing pretty well. Her parents know. I can’t fall asleep until 2. I wake up at 6 AM and can’t fall back asleep. Four hours.
Today. My alarm goes off at 8 AM. I smack it and decide that class isn’t an option. I can try to sleep again. But the phone starts ringing again. My mom. A wrong number. Her spanish teacher, who I have to comfort. Twice. Finally, her. She’s ready to be picked up.
I don’t have a car. I call everyone who does in our service fraternity. Nada. I call her spanish teacher from last semester, who she was very close to. Still nada. Finally, after about 3 hours of looking, someone calls and asks how Niki is. I said “she’s ready to come home and can you drive.” he says ok.
So we go to pick her up. And she admits that she did it partially for attention.
God. I am so fucking tired. And I’m pissed and jealous which is such a stupid and selfish reaction to have. You know why? She’s getting the attention. She’s being treated like a hero, a princess…and she’s the one who did something WRONG.
I’m not saying she doesn’t deserve sympathy and caring and help…but jeez, it just sucks so bad and seems so unfair. She stopped taking her meds, she tried to end her life…she was depressed, I understand.
But you know what, so am I. I am what you call cyclothymic, and although I don’t need medication, it sucks sometimes, and I’ve wanted to die. Not recently, but I have. But I’ve never done anything like that. And these past few days I’ve been doing all the right things. And I’ve been worrying my ass off.
And you tell my you did it for attention and it worked, because now everyone is your friend. Me…I did grunt work. I made sure your ass didn’t fail by talking to your teachers. I fed your fish that I didn’t even want in the room. I spent the night at the hospital with you.
You know it is so petty but I wish someone would just fucking recognize that. I wish someone would tell me that I’m good, that I’m special. That someone would give me flowers.
Do I have to kill myself to get attention like that? Do I have to do something so insanely stupid in order to get some fucking sympathy? I’m so fucking tired and nobody cares.
What do I have to do to have someone act like they care about me? Do I have to start worshipping the devil again? Do I have to starve myself or mutilate myself or poison myself to get a little bit of affection?
This is what suicide does to people. It hurts those around you. It hurts them so bad, and they worry about you, and THEIR lives end up sucking, but they get NONE of the sympathy you get!