I lived with this room mate for a year and a half before she abruptly left three weeks before the end of the semester last May. She said it was depression that made her stop going to classes. The not going to classes was what made it impossible for her to pass any of them. So she left. Since that day, I have yet to hear from her. I was supposed to room with her again this year, but she has yet to tell me that she isn’t coming back. I stumbled upon an onine journal of hers wherein I found several entries she had made basically stating that she was so happy to finally be done with the “burden” that was our school. The letter that follows is the response I left on her journal to one of those posts. Rather than responding to my letter, she just erased it. I have yet to find any closure to the whole situation, so I’m hoping to find some here.
You’ll need some background info to understand some things in the letter…
Kim is another one of our fomer room mates. She got married over the summer. Kat and I were both supposed to be in the wedding. I made it there, while Kat told Kim less than a week before the wedding that she wouldn’t be able to make it.
Joe is my boyfriend. We broke up last year for about two months and then got back together.
I would like to keep both of our identities private, so any identfying information has been replaced with ***'s and her name will be replaced wth Kat.
Funny.
Yeah, funny. That's what it is. It's funny that you can apparently tell the whole world that you're not coming back to **** but you can't even tell me. I sent you two emails, left a message on your answering machine, even an IM. Still, you haven’t answered me. All I wanted to know was whether or not you’re coming back to ****. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that you haven’t called me. Kim heard you that day when your brother answered the phone and you had him tell her that you weren’t there. This was after Kim had called you five times and you wouldn’t return a single call. Kim told me about what happened and asked me what I thought she should do. I told her to call you back and tell you that she didn’t want you in her wedding. I told her that she wants people who really care about her to be a part of that special day. After pulling that stunt with the phone, you obviously took yourself out of that group. But no, Kim didn’t call you. She decided that she had faith in you and that you were a friend going through some rough times and that you would pull through for her. Boy was she wrong.
You do remember me, right? I'm that girl that lived with you for a year and a half. I'm the one that caught hell for calling out of work that day last May so I could take you to the campus psychiatrist. I also spent a good chunk of that day holding you while you cried about the mess you made. Is it getting clearer yet? I’m the girl that stayed up until three in the morning on more than one occasion while we poured our hearts out to each other. I thought all that meant something to you. I guess I was wrong.
It’s also funny how Kim told me that soon after Joe and I got back together you ran to her telling her that you wanted her to help you break us back up. And don’t even try to lie and say you didn’t say that. I’ve heard you talk shit about each and every one of your so-called friends behind their backs. I know the type of person you are and you’re just the type to try to do something like that. Well, just in case you were wondering, you didn’t succeed. Joe and I are still together, 22 months and going strong. We are even talking about getting married after we both graduate. That is one wedding that you will not be invited to.
Speaking of weddings, it was really horrible what you did to Kim. You knew full well that you didn’t have the dress, plane ticket, or a hotel room. Yet, you lied out your ass and told Kim that you had everything done and paid for. You did not try everything you could to get there. If paying for the hotel was that much of a problem, you could have stayed with Joe and I. At the hotel we were staying at, a room with two queen size beds for three people is the same cost as a room with one queen size bed. If us sharing a room with you would have made Kim happy, then we would have done it in a heartbeat. We wouldn’t even have charged you if you truly didn’t have the money. But you never even asked what we were doing. You never asked either one of us if you could borrow some money. We would have loaned you money, we would have shared a hotel room with you for free because that’s the kind of people Joe and I are – true friends. That’s obviously something you know nothing about.
So, tell me Kat… Am I a part of the “burden” that you’re so happy to be done with? Because if not, then you sure are doing a good job at hiding it.
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I appologize in advance if some of this does't make much sense. I was really mad when I wrote it.
Out of curiousity, why’d you feel the need to post this? You know, in public and everything. I really am curious. I have no response to the OP, as it doesn’t look as though this “Kat” person was particularly a friend to begin with, and it’s not like she’s going to give two shits about your feelings.
Man… men can be nasty to each other but you ladies take it to a whole 'nother level. Is this schizophrenic swing between compassion and uber-bitchiness what is really going in in the interstices of dysfunctional female relationships? What kind of closure are you hoping for?
DoperChic, you don’t want ‘closure’… You just want her to show some fucking gratitude, am I right? I mean, after all you’ve done for this girl… the nerve of her, to get depressed about her own life!
But seriously, think about what you’re trying to accomplish here.
Oy, that sucks, DC. I think I have an inkling of how you feel.
When I was fifteen, I had a small circle of closeknit friends. About a week after our sophomore year ended, one of my friends attempted suicide. We all rushed to the hospital, and tried to support her the best we could. Two weeks later, she tried again, and ended up spending the rest of the summer in a mental hospital. Again, we did everything we could to let her know we loved her. She came back to school with us in September, but following a long and convoluted series of events I won’t bore you with, she ended up switching schools. And refused to speak to any of us again. Oh, I’d call her and we’d talk for a few minutes, but she’d make some excuse about having to go. After she did that three or four times, and never called me (or any of our other friends) back, we got the picture. I tried to justify it for her, that talking to us reminded her of a terrible time in her life. But it hurt so much, that we - who would have done anything to help her get through her depression - could bring up any bad memories.
No good advice here. Sorry. Hopefully Kat will realize that she’s seriously hurt you and apologize.
Oh, I don’t know… Maybe for completely ignoring any and all attempts by both myself and our other former room mates to try to contact her. We were there for her 100% through thick and thin and all of a sudden, she just disappears on us. All I asked for from her was a simple yes or no - are you going to live with me in the fall or not. After all we’d been through. I really don’t think that was much to ask for. I understand that I might have reminded her of a rough time in her life, but is sending me one single email with one single word really asking that much.
All I wanted from her was to have the decency of letting me know that she’s not coming back to school. This way, I could have planned to have someone that I know live with me rather than a complete stranger that the school randomly assigns me. Now it’s too late.
Kyla, thank you for sharing your experience with me. It does help to know that other people have gone through a similar situation.
To answer your first question… To put in bluntly, I’m pissed so I’m ranting. That’s what the pit is for, right?
I honestly thought she was a friend, Hamadryad, a good friend, in fact. This is why I’m finding this so hard to deal with.
Fair enough.
I wouldn’t lament the loss of a friend too much here, though. Like Hamadryad said, from what you’ve posted so far, this chick doesn’t sound like a real good person to have in your life.
"We were there for her 100% through thick and thin " = friend-like behavior.
“talk shit about each and every one of your so-called friends behind their backs. I know the type of person you are and you’re just the type to try to do something like that.” = NOT friend-like behavior.
Know what I mean?
Believe me, I’m not crying over the loss of a so-called friend.
It just really upsets me that someone that I thought I could trust would do something like this.
I know that no amount of venting, complaining - whatever you want to call it - will change my situation, but it does help. For some people, myself included, seeing your emotions layed out in written form and then getting feedback about those emotions is helpful in dealing with problems.
I think I know what you want from her. You want her to be a normal, mentally healthy human being who says “Thank you for helping me out during that rough time in my life.” But she’s not. Not right now. And maybe she never will be. Some people have struggled with depression their whole lives.
Posting a rant on her website isn’t going to help matters. It may even make things worse. Posting it here, airing your dirty laundry isn’t going to help either.
You want something that she can’t give you. And you’re mad at her. You just have to accept she’s not capable of communicating with you and move on.
Well, you may just have to accept that. It may also be possible that her illness has gotten worse, not better, and cutting ties with people is a symptom of that.