After hearing an interview with Carol Leifer, the delightful comedian, who fell in love with another woman after years as a straight gal, I got to wondering: What is the trend in these relationships as far as the “other” woman being an out lesbian?
I would think it would be a lot less likely that 2 historically straight (or even bi) women would fall for each other and end up a couple. Not just because full, out lesbians are more visible, or more open to the idea, but because of typical social conditioning about sexuality.
(FWIW, Carol’s partner was out when they got together, but Carol let on exactly nothing about that in her interview.)
If only from my own experience, I could argue the reverse of your statement.
My first girlfriend was a straight woman (as was I, as far as I knew). For the record, I was 29.
When that ended (six months later), I went back to men and chalked it up to experience.
A year later, I met another straight woman, who I was with for 7 years.
My current girlfriend is the first openly out lesbian I’ve been out with, and I met her when I was also, by that stage, an out lesbian.
I think much of it is that straight girls seem less daunting - neither of you has any experience in the girly bedroom department, so you won’t look like a virgin teenager, and you have the shared experience of coming out together, at your own pace, rather than being pressurised by a frustrated lesbian who really can’t be bothered with nurturing you through your coming-out angst when she went through it 15 years ago.
By the way, I don’t know if this is what you meant by ‘social conditioning about sexuality’ but it’s incredibly common for women to have had a sexual experience with a female friend at some point in their lives. The much bigger step to take is forming a long-term relationship, which involves coming out to family and friends and adjusting your life accordingly. This is step is no easier with either an historically straight or gay partner.
I’m more surprised when out lesbians become heterosexual. A good friend of mine was an out and proud gay woman, from the bottom of her comfortable shoes to the top of her boyish lesbian haircut (see: Rachel Maddow) to the “See You in August” Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival bumper sticker on her small, sensible car.
A few years back, she called me and told me that she was getting married. To a man. I said “Huh? I though you were gay!” and she replied “So did I!”
She and her hubby seem quite happy the last time we visited them, though I’m still a little baffled.
Thank you for mentioning Carol Leifer’s name-- I heard part of the interview yesterday, not including her name, and was curious who she was, but had forgotten by the time I had access to a computer. Not the end of the world, but nice to know the answer.
Fluid sexuality can go both ways. Even if she’s a signed up member of the club (dressing and acting like a lesbian), doesn’t mean she can’t happen to meet a man and fall in love.
I’m used to fluid nature of female sexuality. For some reason, nearly every woman I’ve had a relationship with has been bisexual. But this was a woman that I shared a house with and worked with for six months in the People’s Republic of Cambridge, Mass. We spent nearly every waking hour together.
This would be like seeing Rufus Wainwright named in a paternity suit.
