i’ve been in a relationship with this guy for about 3 years now. i’m not going to bore you all with the details of what 3 years really entails, but i’m going to try to outline the general dynamics of our relationship:
he claims to be naturally polyamorous. i was 22, and pretty naive at the time. before i met him i was a pretty staunch christian, and had never even heard of polyamory. and so when he introduced this idea to me, i was both horrified and intrigued. clearly, he was not ready to commit to me, which was the thing that would make our relationship okay for me, but i tried to understand it, through my own exploration and extensive, intensive conversations with my polyamorous friends. for a while we sort of weaved back and forth between being open and exclusive, and i tried to work with him and understand his natural dispositions.
it wasn’t until half a year later that we became monogamous, and commenced into what i now realize was the honeymoon phase of our relationship: the sex was great, we had a great time together with our adventures and conversations. everything was always interesting. it was at this point that i made the decision to “let go” to my conflicting feelings and pursue my intutions about him and surrender to being the person that i felt was right to him: patient, loving, giving, compassionate, and open minded to his lifestyle – i decided to also let him be polyamorous while i remained in a monogamous relationship with him.
but i’m afraid in making that decision it sort of fucked me over. i mean, i really did everything for him. i cooked for him, i cleaned, i picked him up and dropped him off to places he needed to go, i often paid for his meals, once for his plane ticket, helped him out with the projects he was working on at work, helped buy him his cellphone, gave him all the blowjobs a man could ever fucking desire and more, mostly happily actually – as long as i felt i was appreciated and not taken for granted.
…which is the thing. because that’s impossible, i’m learning. by doing this, i’m taken for granted. and he’s come to expect these things now, and now when i express needs i’m dismissed for the most part, or when i point out the problems that i have with him he nods and says, yes, he’ll change but then he doesn’t. i’m a sexual girl but i can’t remember the last time he initiated, nor went down on me, which is just incredibly invalidating because i know that i’m young, fit, and quite attractive (i get hit on all the time by men of all ages).
and i know it’s partially my fault, i have never complained prior to this. i’ve always hoped that this would be a thing that would come naturally, and when finally it came to the point where i realized it wouldn’t, i voiced it and talked to him very starkly and honestly about it, and he would get frustrated and ask why i’m making such a big deal out of things. and then, like i said before, in the times he admits to not doing something enough, he doesn’t do anything to change.
it’s not any one thing that makes things absolutely not okay for me. but if you combine our lackluster sex life, with his desire for a polyamorous relationship, to his tendency to be private, his unwillingness to acknowledge me as his ‘girlfriend’ in public even after 3 years of being together, his generally negative behavior and negative reinforcement towards me and finally, his expectations of me just doing things for him with no reciprocation, it just is NOT okay. it really, really isn’t.
and for nearly two years i’ve fought to be patient and work with him through these things now, and part of it was my naive hope that things would change, and the other part was my fear for confrontation. but now that i’ve finally let it out, it’s too late and he thinks it’s “out of the blue”, when in fact these issues were always issues, and he just never noticed it.
but now this patience is wearing thin, and i’m feeling my anger growing, and growing, turning into resentment to pure fury and hatred. i feel it within me, and it’s a weird and dangerous feeling to have towards someone whom i’m supposed to love and shared a mutually respecting, honest, and loving relationship with. i don’t feel these things anymore, or at least less and less, although i still force myself to give it. and i hate that he doesn’t give it back, and that he doesn’t take things seriously enough to consider what he’s doing to me.
it’s a fucked up relationship and i’m in a fucked up state of mind. i know i need to break up with him but he’s really good with words and he always twists the situation so that i end up apologizing and i’m running back to him for some reason or another. i hate him, i hate him, i hate what he’s doing to me and to us, and i hate that i can’t fucking get out of this.
what the fuck do i do?
