Ask the former teenage mother who gave her baby up for adoption

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I searched and didn’t find an “ask [whatever]” thread on this topic, but I feel compelled to share. All the debate going on in the Pit over Dr. Tiller’s murder brought back some …unpleasant memories. And as I don’t think I’ve revealed this about myself here on the boards, I felt it was time.

A little background. Got pregnant at 14, attended my Catholic 8th grade graduation with a bit of a baby bump, and gave birth halfway through my freshman year of high school. It was a closed adoption, so no updates, no pictures, no knowledge of the adoptive family except that they were local, and had an older boy they’d also adopted.

So, fire away. It’s been 12 years, so it’s a much less upsetting topic than it once was, don’t worry about offending me.

2

Your story sounds almost like mine. I was also 14, but I have an open adoption and my son will turn 18 in September. If you don’t mind, I’ll throw my hat in the ring and answer a few questions as well.

I do have some for you though… Did you have the option for an open adoption? Was it through an adoption agency or private?

Would you consider contact in the future?

3

My extremely devout Catholic mother would not allow an open adoption, because she didn’t want anyone outside of my siblings to know about it. Of course, 10 years later my entire extended family found out somehow (not through me) so the point is moot.

I guess it was private, as it was done through a lawyer as opposed to an agency.

Please do feel free to answer whatever questions come our way, as I don’t presume to speak for anyone else in a similar situation and actually am rather bitter about the whole experience.

As for contact, I suppose that all depends on where I am in my life when he turns 18. If I’m still working a crappy job and don’t feel like I’ve accomplished much, I think I’d be too embarrassed to seek him out, although I certainly wouldn’t turn him away if he tried to contact me.

4

The family thing amuses me. My catholic family (dad’s side) was completely appalled by my situation, being pregnant and unmarried. Like I had completely blackened the family name.

Turns out, it was practically family tradition. There were a lot of ‘pre-mature’ healthy sized babies born into the family over the years. The local rectory got a new roof compliments of my uncle who’s precious angel just had to get married in the church. Let me tell you, no amount of satin bows could hide the fact that my cousin was about 6 months along.

5

Have you read The Girls That Went Away? Any thoughts?

6

Forgive me if this is a terribly personal thing to ask either of you, but it’s always what I wonder when I think about what I’d do if I found myself in that situation. I mean, obviously being so young is totally different, but—

What did it feel like? I mean, to carry a baby for 9 months, feel it move around and grow inside of you, then never see it again? When the baby was born, did you get to hold it? What did you think?

While I don’t have kids myself, I always hear my pregnant friends quite sincerely say-- even when they are just 4-6 months along-- that they’d die for the baby in them and they’ve never loved something so much. That goes for the ones who even have total “accident” babies. Again, I realize you guys were much younger, but did you have any of these feelings? Or even at that age, did you realize it was best for the little one?

7

I haven’t read it, but I think I’d like to… thanks for the link.

8

What happened to the father of your child?

9

My situation is a little different. I have an open adoption, so for 17 years now, I’ve been in my son’s life. Yes, I held him, but I wasn’t the first. His adoptive father was the first person to hold him, at my request. (The adoptive parents were in the delivery room with me.)

It is normal for a birthmother to second guess their decision for the entire pregnancy and well after, but I never really did. Keeping him was really not an option for me. I didn’t have the means to support him, nor did I didn’t have the family structure at the time. I was completely comfortable with the adoptive family I had chosen and at peace with how things were to be. I had spent a good part of my childhood taking care of my brothers and countless nieces and nephews from infancy to childhood. I knew what taking care of a baby full-time meant and I knew I couldn’t do it. I’m now 33 years old and I’m still not sure if I want to wade into the baby pool.

So what did I think?.. I loved him, completely, I never questioned that. I cried when we left the hospital, and I lived for phone calls and pictures that first year. But I knew I had made the right decision for me.

It was because I loved him as much as I did that I made the decision to relinquish him. And now, just because he’s being raised by someone else, it doesn’t diminish my love for him. I would die for him, still. I would do anything for him as long as it was in his best interest. Being raised by someone other than me was in his best interest.

10

Haven’t read that book either, but I might check it out.

As for the father, he broke up with me during my pregnancy because he couldn’t handle the situation; me, or me pregnant, or the adoption. He did come visit me at the hospital, although he never saw our son. It was probably easier for him that way. ETA: we still talk occasionally, although things were very tense between us for several years. I’m not angry at him anymore, though, so he’s on my list of people I rarely talk to but will still get an invite to my wedding.

Diosa, I felt that way too. Even though I knew I wasn’t prepared for motherhood, it’s hard not to feel that way for someone you’ve carried in your womb and given birth to. I held him immediately, and the next day before I was discharged went down to the nursery and held him some more and took pictures.

But I was not happy about the circumstances of the adoption. I don’t think it made it any easier for me to pretend like things never happened, I would have been much happier with an open adoption. That’s what I’m mainly bitter about. I realize that giving him up was in his best interests, but I’d really much rather get some pictures and a letter once a year letting me know what he’s up to.

It destroyed me for several years. It exacerbated my genetic predisposition to mental illness and I ended up in a mental ward within a year and a half. I think the combination of grief and the powerlessness I felt because I had no say in the adoption itself was too much to handle. There were a few years where I tried a lot of drugs, drank entirely too much, and made stupid decisions.

11

I’ll also throw my hat in with a few thoughts, and if anybody wants answers from the other side of the coin (I am adopted)

First up - RedRosesForMe, I think you should feel comfortable in your “decision” (yes I understand it wasn’t really something you were given too much option about), for me I had a fantastic upbringing with adoptive parents that are, and always will be my parents. I was the middle of three children all adopted.

When I was in my early 20’s my birth mother “found” me and we occasionally correspond. I have a half brother around 10 years younger.

My (adopted) brother and sister have both been in touch with their birth families with varying levels of closeness.

Complicating the matter, my adopted mother herself gave a baby up for adoption when she was 16. From what I understand my parents met while she was staying with my paternal uncle while pregnant. They married soon after, but my mother had some sort of womb / uterus problems and they couldn’t conceive - (she had a hysterectomy before 30)

My mother tried to find her daughter when the daughter was around 30, but was never given “permission” to go further. We suspect that the parents never told the daughter she was adopted, and intercepted the letter from our social services and replied without ever telling her.

In summation, I have a sister (?) who would now be in her mid 40’s, 2 adoptive siblings, have found my birth mother, have a half brother, and my birth father is of “unkown / unknowable” status. (I never questioned my birth mother closely on how the pregnancy came about - I don’t particularly care)

12

What were the few days after coming home from the hospital like for you? To be home, with all the physical effects of recently giving birth, but not having your child?

RedRosesForMe, what is your relationship with your mother like now?

13

I felt sort of dead and lifeless for about a week, almost like I was in shock. Very uncomfortable recovery, although that’s not unusual, and the engorged breasts really sucked.

I get along a lot better with my mom now that we don’t live together, but we’ve never had a particularly great relationship anyway.

14

Was the father of your child the same age as you or older?

15

He was 16 to my 14.

16

You said you gave birth halfway through your freshman year of high school. Did you attend school during that time, and if so, did your classmates know you were pregnant? Or, how did you hide it? Did any of your close friends know you were pregnant? How did you find out you were pregnant, and how did you tell your parents? Did you ever consider not telling your parents and getting a secret abortion? Also, how long had you been sexually active? Were you using birth control?

17

He was 19 and I was 14.

18

If this question is too blunt, offensive or anyway uncomfortable to answer, I am sorry.

Why didn’t you get an abortion?
What exactly are your views on abortion?

I have a feeling the two answers will be the same but you’re not charging per question so I figured I could ask both. Kind of curious because I can’t figure out which side of the abortion issue to take.

19

That’s a lot of questions, nyctea! :slight_smile:

Yes, my friends at school knew I was pregnant. I had decided against continuing at the Catholic high school prior to my pregnancy, so I applied for the International Baccalaureate program. I was accepted, but when they found out about the pregnancy they said it would be too stressful for me so they held my place and allowed me to enter the IB program my sophomore year. So I attended my local public high school my freshman year, and although there were some students from my old Catholic school there most of them were older and not friends of mine. My close neighborhood friends of course knew about my pregnancy too.

Although I didn’t show much at all, when I missed an exam because I was in the hospital giving birth I showed up a few days later to make it up and my teacher asked me if the baby was ok, thinking I’d had to have tests run or something. I had to turn sideways and point to my belly before she understood that I’d had the baby.

As to figuring out I was pregnant- my boyfriend had made the comment that my boobs looked a lot bigger. I agreed, and they felt a little funny, but I asumed I was just getting my period. When that didn’t happen, we got a pregnancy test which I snuck into the bathroom and took after a Mothers’ day dinner. Oddly enough, my young cousin at the time had been telling his mom, my mom, and our grandma happy mothers day, and turned to me and said it too. Everyone laughed, but if they only knew.

I couldn’t face my parents directly, so I wrote a note and high-tailed it to my friend’s house. When I got home that evening my parents sat me down to talk. That was horrible.

Shortly thereafter, my bf’s parents, my parents, and the two of us sat down to discuss our options. His dad basically said “Well obviously adoption is the only choice” and that was the end of the discussion. His parents were also Catholic.

Abortion never really crossed my mind at all, and I don’t think my bf would have supported it either. Even if I had considered it, getting one would have been extremely hard considering my age, financial situation, and everything else.

We were not using birth control. :smack: He was my first “real” sexual experience*, and based on the gestational age the doctor calculated I probably got pregnant the second time I had sex.

I don’t know if I had any real ideas about abortion at the time, I do remember getting in a rather heated debate during American Government class with a kid who believed that life begins at birth and getting really pissed. I was like, “He gets the hiccups all the time. Hiccups! You can’t tell me he’s just a clump of cells.”

However, my views on abortion now are: I don’t generally like the idea of abortions, because there’s a lot of grey area to me about when a fetus becomes a human, but I am completely pro-choice because I don’t feel I have any say in other people’s reproductive lives. And, having had a bc failure and pregnancy scare since, I am certain I would get an abortion if I found myself with an unwanted pregnancy. No way I could go through adoption again, and if I didn’t think I was ready to take care of a child it would be straight to the clinic without a second thought.

That’s an entirely different thread- “Ask the girl who may have sort of not really been raped…?”

20

When you say you’re “in his life” does that mean you know each other? Does he know you’re his birth mother?