Why Isn't Adoption Seen As Responsible?

Great Debates
1

In the second story in today’s Dear Abby, a young woman wrote that she is 19 years old and pregnant by a 28 year old man who’s now in prison and has 2 other children by 2 other women. Her aunt’s been helping her out, and she’s been trying to decide what to do about her situation. She wrote

Now, I’ve never been in her situation. A fellow with her fellow’s track record isn’t going to be that appealing to me. Nevertheless, it looks to me like placing her baby for adoption would be the most moral and responsible choice. Where did some people come by the notion that placing a child one can’t care for up for adoption isn’t responsible or that becoming a single parent is preferable?

I’ve read and participated a lot of debates on abortion around here and even some on single parenthood. I haven’t seen many on adoption and, if there’s a news story about adoption, it’s usually (not always) one about someone being reunited with his or her birth mother or father. Adoption as a means of dealing with unwanted or unplanned pregnancies falls through the cracks, and I’ve never understood why. I’m very much pro-choice and not in favor of single parenting. It seems to me that adoption neatly avoids abortion and someone becoming a single parent while letting a couple who want and can care for a child have one.

By the way, please don’t turn this into a referendum on my views about single parenthood; I know full well that sometimes people have little choice – a family friend died when he was 30, leaving behind a woman and a 2 or 3 year old daughter, and I’m not out to engage in wholesale condemnation. I’d really like to examine attitudes toward adotion, and today’s column gave me the right springboard.

Respectfully,
CJ

2

I think you’re reading a lot into one Dear Abby letter. As far as I can tell, giving a child up for adoption (and adopting) are seen as very responsible actions by the vast majority of people.

I’m not sure why you’re impressed by the news of people meeting (reuniting is too strong a word, I think) their birth parents. One of my sisters is adopted. She has met her birth parents, but they’re not her parents. She’s glad to know who they are, but if she had never known, oh well. Again, as far as I can tell, that’s the attitude of most adoptees.

There are any number of valid reasons to want to give a child up for adoption. It is a responsible choice.

3

I agree. I’m sure there are exceptions, but I believe that the act of putting a child for adoption is most often an act of responsibility and character.

4

Just to clarify, I wouldn’t exactly say I’m impressed by stories about people meeting their birth parents. My opinion of such stories is neutral at best. It’s just that that’s about the only coverage of adoption I see in the newspaper.

As for what people think of it, I don’t really know what they do. It just seems to get overlooked in the whole debate about what to do about unwanted pregancies.

CJ

5

I don’t know. I chose to raise my son as a single mom at 18 because I was simply too afraid of “the system” and the other stories we read too much of: the horror stories of children abused and killed in the foster care system.

Now (and I may be pillioried for saying this) my son is a little blond haired white boy, so he probably would have been just fine, statistically speaking. A newborn white child would be snapped up in the adoption game. But if he was black? If my kids were older? There’s just too great a chance they’d be shuffled around an inadequate foster care system and never placed for adoption.

My brother was in foster care for a few years, and he was molested at age 10. I admit, there’s a huge stigma against it in my head that’s probably undeserved. But I don’t think I’m alone.

For these reasons, I’m a great proponent of *open *adoption. It’s absolutely the only way I could do it and still feel responsible for my child.

The other option would be to fix those things which need fixing and honestly promote adoption as a safe alternative.

6

It doesn’t get overlooked - but it gets ridiculously simplified. Don’t want a child, just put it up for adoption.

Adoption isn’t an “easy” option. Yes, some people look at it as shunning your responsibility. And even if the birthmom recognizes that its responsibility at a different level, that doesn’t mean that her parents, her friends, her boyfriend, her boyfriends parents, relatives, neighbors and people she meets twenty years from now aren’t going to see it as her making a cop out. As circumstances change, its difficult not to realize that wouldn’t be the same had you not placed your child - I’ve heard a lot of birthmothers say they’d never do it again - it was so painful and here they are six or seven years later with plenty of resources for the child (a spouse, a good job, an education) - not recognizing the resources may not be there if you had to gain them with a two year old in tow.

Putting a child up for adoption has to be one of the most difficult things to do - and one of the least respected. And, while for a lot of people its the best option - it really isn’t a great option. Many adoptive parents would have “preferred” a bio child. Many adoptive kids are missing some peice of themselves being raised without their bio parents. And many birthmothers live their lives missing a peice of themselves.

The other place adoption gets simplified is that there are a lot of parents waiting to adopt - but a lot of them are quite picky. And there are a lot of abortions. There are enough adoptive parents waiting to clear the backlog from abortion (assuming abortion were made illegal and all those children were born and place for adoption) in less than two years. Then we’d have “extra” children. But not all the adoptive parents want children domestically - international adoption doesn’t have the same reclaiming risks. Not all adoptive parents want children that are not white and healthy. I know adoptive parents who have turned down referrals because the birthmother drank one or two drinks during pregnancy, or wasn’t “college material.” The nice thing about a shortage of adoptable children is that it makes the “less than perfect” ones attractive and makes sure the adoptive parents are screened well. Have more children than potential parents, and the balance shifts - only “desireable” babies are placed, less desireable children warehoused, and in an attempt to get homes for all children, standards for the parents start to slip. This is actually the case in a lot of countries where we adopt from internationally - the domestic programs in Bulgaria or Korea are insufficient.

7

I agree with WhyNot… There are just too many variables involved in giving your kid to a complete stranger. That could certainly (and justifiably) put any reasonable person off. For example, 12 children murdered by adoptive parents, the high profile murder of adopted Lisa Steinberg, adopted children kept in cages and children starved by their adoptive parents are some stories easily found on Google. And these are only the extremes of murder and abuse that made it to the news… plenty of parents abuse and neglect their adoptive children every day and never get caught, or the stories don’t make national news.

It seems that if you know you will love your child and not do horrible things to him/her, why hand that precious child over to a stranger and run the risk? I can see where keeping a baby despite poverty, singleness, or youth would be a responsible option when considering what may happen. Simply being an adoptive parent does not automatically make one a good parent, and simply being a single parent in a tough situation does not necessarily make one a bad parent.

8

There are numerous reasons why people have abortions, and they’re not all related to raising children. Carrying and birthing a baby is a big deal, even (especially!) if you’re giving it up after birth.

I know that if I had an unwanted pregnancy, I would choose an abortion over adoption, for a number of reasons mentioned (in no order of importance):

  • my kid would be less “adoptable” because it would be half black
  • I do not want to put my body through the stress of childbirth only to give up the child - it’s not only that I don’t want a kid, it’s that I don’t want to have one
  • there are plenty of kids in the world already, this planet doesn’t need another unwanted one
9

If you find yourself with an unplanned pregnancy AND want to support the Straight Dope Message Board, you can follow the Google Ad I’m seeing and send it to Frank and Judi.

Google and the Straight Dope: They Want Your Children

[ /needless Highjack :smiley: ]

10

And of course birth parents never abuse or murder their children. I don’t see that as a compelling argument against adoption, sorry. There are plenty of grateful and delighted adoptive parents, and to focus only on the bad is to ignore that side of it.

11

Not my point.

And I’m not arguing against adoption in general. I’m just saying that for a reasonable birth parent who knows they will at least love an unplanned child, I can see where the risk of handing said child over to complete strangers might be a big time deterrent. That birth parent knows their own behavior, morals, and standards, but not those of a complete unknown (the adoptive parent).

12

As **ggurl said, that’s not the point. The point is that I had a pretty good feeling that I was not going to abuse or murder my son, even though I wasn’t thrilled to be a parent. With a standard adoption, I’d have no idea who adopted him, whether or not they were good people, or even if he’d be adopted right away or put into foster care and switch caregivers 10 times a year.

Open adoption does away with some of this uncertainty, but may raise other issues around regret and birth parents changing their minds later, or adoptive parents fearing that.

It’s not ignoring the good adoptive parents, it’s realizing that I cannot know, and can therefore not take responsibility, for choosing good ones. For *my *child.

It’s not a compelling argument against adoption, but that wasn’t what the OP asked for. The OP asked for reasons why we wouldn’t feel responsible choosing adoption, or why being a single parent is ever preferable.

13

I also think you’re reading way too much into a Dear Abby letter. Don’t forget, Dear Abby has been responding to socks since before the internet was even a gleam in Al Gore’s eye*.

When I read the letter, my first assumption was that it was written by someone who wanted to adopt a child, and was baiting Dear Abby into overcoming the objection that the writer felt was keeping young women from choosing adoption. Abby’s argument carries a little more authority than a correspondent’s, so it was better to get her to say it.

Were it not for these little narratives I make up, I don’t think I would ever read Dear Abby.

*as a liberal Democrat, I know just what a cheap and libelous shot this is. I still enjoy making fun of Al Gore, though.

14

Regarding open adoption - its been a while, but when we adopted no state in the U.S. considered an open adoption a contract and gave any rights to the birth parents. A lot of open adoptions fall apart over time (according to our social worker, its usually because the birthmom drops contact and moves on, often you are talking a high school girl who eventually goes to college and gets a serious relationship, starts a new family - and doesn’t need the contact - its actually not a great situation because the timing often coincides with the adoptive child’s exploration into being adopted - birthmom disappears just about the time he or she has started to piece together who she is - but sometimes the adoptive parents cut contact). So openness is not a guarentee of being assured contact.

The vast number of adoptive parents are extraordinarly well screened. There is less risk of putting your adoptive child up and having it be a bad situation than keeping the child and having it abused or murdered by a relative, a neighbor, a stranger, etc. But that argument really doesn’t go over because placing a child for adoption (and adopting a child) aren’t completely logical decisions, there is a lot of emotional baggage on both ends. Open adoption does reduce that risk or at least addresses some of the fears - when a birthmother chooses her child’s parents from a prescreened set, she gains the confidence that she is making a good decision and putting them into a good home.

15

Sincerely I think abortion is more responsible than actually taking a pregrnancy to its end… I’m not against adoption though. Just that there are enough needy kids around.

16

I’m with those who think you’re reading too much in about adoption. When the letter writer says, “I took the responsibility of making this baby, so I believe it’s my responsibility to face the consequences of raising it until the day I die,” I don’t think she’s saying that giving the baby up for adoption would be irresponsible, only that it would relieve her of a responsibility that, for whatever reason, she feels like she needs to bear for her entire life. It’s almost as if she feels she should be punished for the crime of having a baby by a felon, out of wedlock. This feeling of culpability is the issue here, not adoption.

17

I think what the woman is trying to say is that she’s living in the moment–when she had her first kid, she made the decision to keep it because it was the best decision for that kid. When she decided to keep the second kid, it was the best decision for that kid, but probably not for the first one…

Now she’s got a third kid on the way, and that’s the one her focus is on. Keeping it may be a great decision for this one, but it’s far from the best decision for the first and second kids…

What I’d like to know is what it’d be like to watch your mom have a baby, and then put it up for adoption… I’d mind my manners from that day forward, I think…

18

My cousin went through this recently. His girlfriend (still in high school) got pregnant. I asked him if he was considering adoption, and he said, “God no, look how I turned out! And I got lucky with my family.”

He was adopted by my aunt and uncle at birth from a girl in the church youth group that they chaperoned. They are wonderful people, and even he admits that they have been very good parents, but he has been in and out of rehab since he was 14 (he is now 22).

Come to find out his birth mom is now living in a trailer park with 5 other kids from 4 different guys, always strung out on booze and God knows what else.

My cousin was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and has stayed clean since his daughter was born (and he went on lithium).

He has no plans of marrying his girlfriend, but still thinks that he (a maybe-ex-druggie who works for min-wage at Sonics) and his girlfriend (who just graduated from high school) can do a better job of raising Mya than an emotionally and financially stable couple. I did point out to him that she will probably find someone else, marry him, and then my cousin will be reduced to a spectator in his daughter’s life anyway, unless he is extremely lucky.

My guess is that for most young parents, logic is not a factor in their decision.

19

There is apparently a significant correlation between teenage pregnancy in the U.S. and mental illness, ADHD, drug abuse and/or alcohol abuse. And there seems to also be a significant genetic legacy for these things. Adoptive kids often have these sorts of issues - the interesting thing is that adoptive kids from other countries don’t necessarily have the same issues. Its one of the many reasons some U.S. prospective adoptive parents choose to go overseas for their children - they feel the genetic chance of these problems will be less with a child from China given up for economic reasons or because she was a girl than one given up because a sixteen year old with ADHD got flighty and a little drunk and forgot to use a condom. (Its one of the reasons we went to Korea, where alcohol abuse among women is not as high as it is in Eastern Europe).

In other words, for your cousin, it probably wasn’t the adoption, it was probably the genetic footprint of mental illness - and that his baby will have regardless of who raises him.

20

I wonder whether the timing of the decision is a factor. I have a friend who is pregnant, wanted, planned, no fertility assistance needed. She’s just entering her second trimester, finally free of debilitating morning sickness, starting to gain weight, not fit clothes, hear the baby’s heartbeat–and starting to really feel like she is pregnant, really believe that there is a baby in her tummy who will be born in six monthes, need a name, a crib, a supply of diapers and milk or formula, etc.

Abortion usually takes place in the first trimester. The woman may not really feel pregnant, and, at the risk of being simplistic, may feel like abortion is like pushing a big “reset” button. Life goes back on track, maybe a doctor’s bill, but no college fund, no sleepless nights, no need for a nursery. I’m sure there can be emotional consequences or regrets(to say nothing of complications, even from a simple procedure), but at the simplest, abortion is a way of wiping the slate clean and starting over. No baby, no problem.

Adoption occurs at the end of nine months. Plenty of time for second thoughts, plenty of time to worry about the risks that baby couldl have a bad life and you will never know, plenty of time to imagine the good life the kid could have that you won’t be a part of. Plenty of time for baby to become real. How anyone could feel a baby moving in her tummy and not be emotionally attached, is beyond me.

I suspect there is also an issue where we know about the women who decide to keep the baby, even though they end up as single parents, or the couples that get married because of the baby and then things don’t work out, and maybe we know of situations where abortion becomes a reasonable choice, or even planned surrogate pregnancies these days, but we just don’t hear about those who give up children for adoption except in extreme circumstances (or in cases where families are reunited). I’m not sure why, but it seems to me that perhaps women who give up babies for adoption is one of the less publicized aspects of the whole “and baby makes a family” puzzle.