Adoption: Why isn't it a more viable option?

Great Debates
1

Cross-posted in the Pizza Parlor

As a few of you know, I plan to go to law school to be a child advocacy and adoption attorney (and on a related note, I mailed all my applications yesterday, so everyone wish me luck!). While I am pro-choice, I and the vast majority of pro-choicers hold the same belief: that abortion should be almost unnecessary in this day and age. Many of us try to empower women with information about their bodies, educating them about their cycles, birth control options, and things they can do to make sure they don’t get pregnant in the first place.

But what do we do after women get pregnant?

Adoption has always been an option. Giving up a child that you have carried for nine months to someone who can offer it a better life is the ultimate act of selflessness. However, it seems as if the option is not utilized as much as it could be. I don’t know if this is due to a certain stigma, or financial reasons, or many of several other options that I might not be thinking of.

The question is, why aren’t women choosing the path of adoption? And knowing this, what can we do to help more women choose adoption rather than abortion?

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Offering my not-too-expert opinion on the way it looks to me, adoption is far more difficult, financially, emotionally, and physically, than abortion. Often going hand in hand with pregnancy are health problems from the life-threatening variety, to loss of future reproductive capability, all the way down to cosmetic issues like stretch marks. Financially there is missed work, doctor bills, prenatal vitamins, and additional wardrobe items. There are dietary restrictions, restrictions on activity, social repercussions and pressures from peers, workmates, family, church congregations, friends, and even potential missed opportunities for romance. Not to mention the difficulty many women have emotionally over giving up a child after it has been carried to term, or the fear/hope of that child someday seeking them out. There is also the paperwork, counseling, and other bureaucratic hoops that an adoption agency requires that a woman go through.

In short, the above not-nearly-exhaustive list equates to a lot of costs, far outstripping those of abortion in most areas. The one area that adoption has an advantage in is that of having a clear conscience, but that is only a benefit if the woman believes abortion to be morally wrong. Lots of folks don’t.

What can we do to encourage adoption over abortion? I should think that we could alleviate the financial burdens if we chose, and streamline as much of the bureaucracy as possible, but beyond that I don’t know.

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Good question…and I am glad that there are issues like adoption that hopefully both pro choice and pro life groups can expend energy on…and less energy on picket lines.

My wild ass guess is that much of the adoption problem is related to “hard” cases…it’s my understanding that healthy white babies are adopted pretty regularly…while older children, children of color, or children with special needs often stay on lists for longer periods of time.

I think public awareness like Dave Thomas is doing (Wendys founder) helps…there are also some blunt racial issues involved. There are folks who believe that black children should only be adopted into black families, otherwise they would lose a “black heritage”. This has been especially true in the Chicago area, where a white alderman (forget the name) and his wife adopted a young black kid from a single mother that was originally addicted to crack…it set off a storm of protest…

I think the private sector needs to step up more, like the One Church, One Child program http://www.onechurchonechild.com/

There are also privacy issues involved…there is a strong movement among some formerly adopted kids, now grown up, to unseal the birth records…I think this could have a chilling effect on adoption…

And finally, sadly…I think some young pregnant girls think it’s “cool” to have a baby…someone who is dependent on them…some serious self esteem issues are involved here…

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Umm… Actually I am the expert in the way it looks to me. I am NOT an expert in previewing my posts however…

5

Having been adopted myself I am all for adoption and wish more women chose this option as well.

Unfortunately, as others have pointed out, it is a lot to ask of a woman. Not only to go through the considerable hassle and risks associated with pregnancy but then to give up the child they have likely formed a bond with through the last 9 months.

It certainly is a supremely selfless and loving act on the mother’s part to give a child she can’t care for properly up for adoption. That act alone might make childbirth seem easy in comparison (being a male I can only guess at that but I think it’s a safe guess).

Instead of reiterating much of what people have already said I’d like to point you to the links below. They didn’t work for me but our Proxy Server at work is finicky about what I can access so they may work for you. The stories are both from National Public Radio (NPR). The first link I haven’t listened to but it looked relevant. The second one I listened to about a week ago and it directly addresses some of your questions. Planned Parenthood Chicago has formed a partnership with The Cradle Adoption Agency to present pregnant women with all of their options in one place…The Cradle has a presence actually in the Planned Parenthood clinic.

I hope these help…
Adoption: Part One
http://search.npr.org/cf/cmn/cmnps05fm.cfm?SegID=66661

Adoption and Abortion
http://search.npr.org/cf/cmn/cmnps05fm.cfm?SegID=43354

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I think that there isn’t enough support for the birth mother, to help her with the physical and emotional repurcussions of giving up a baby for adoption. Generally speaking, a woman without the resources to keep a baby won’t have access to resources to help her through the potentially very painful process of giving the baby up.

Oregon is one of the few states that have laws that allow for, and structure, open adoption. Open adoption allows the birth mother to pick which family she’d like her baby to go to, and encourages the adopting family and the birth mother to get to know one another, develop a relationship, and include everyone in the process of birthing and raising the baby. After the child is born, the birth mother remains in contact with the adopting family, rather than suddenly losing the baby she’s carried for 9 months. While there may be problems with this system, is seems to encourage a healthier transition; since the birth mother can see her child according to a schedule she’s agreed to with the adopting family, it’s much less likely that she’ll seek to regain custody later.

I highly recommend reading The Kid, by Dan Savage of Savage Love fame. He and his boyfriend adopted a son through open adoption, and it gives a really good (and often hilarious) account of the process.

If open adoption was accepted in more states (maybe even all of them!), it may encourage more women to consider adoption. Were I to have an unwanted pregnancy, I would fear bearing the burden of carrying a child to term only to immediately lose all access to the baby. Open adoption keeps the birth mother from being cast aside.

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Wow, a thread that hits home.

My husband and I are in the process of deciding whether to adopt. For various reasons, I am unable to have children, and adoption is the only means available to have a family.

There are a number of pitfalls, however.

First of all, there’s the issue of the homestudy, in which a social worker all but moves in with you to determine if you and your partner are fit to be parents. It’s very invasive, expensive, and if the social worker doesn’t like you, well, that’s it.

Next, assuming you’ve made it past the homestudy part, there is the issue of finding a potential birth mother. She may not like you, in which case the adoption’s off. She may be experiencing pressure from her family, the baby’s father and/or his family, her friends, her church, or the man in the moon. She can decide to keep the baby at the last minute, meaning you start all over again.

There is also the fear stemming from the above that she or the baby’s father will magically appear months or years later, wanting money to go away, or the kid back. It can cost many thousands of dollars to fight something like this.

Finally (not exactly, but for purposes of this post, it will be), there’s the issue of finding a reputable lawyer. And that, I think, is the hardest part of all.

Drain… when you pass the bar, let me know. And good luck on your applications. :slight_smile:

Robin

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I think there’s a problem with the American government, but that’s more for people who want to adopt children out of the country (ex. Mexico). They don’t want any more Mexicans than there already are. Now Mexicans, on the other hand, are happy to give up their child so the child can have a better life in America. (I know these things because I’ve stayed in an orphanage twice as a mission worker in Mexico, and I know a man who adopted two girls out of Mexico…tons of money and one of the girls is disabled, but he says that it was totally worth it.)

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This is one that hits home for me, I am currently 29 and single. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCO) and have known since I was 19 that I will be unable to have children without serious medical intervention and maybe not even then. I made the decision years ago that when the time is right I would like to adopt, and then spend the money I would have spent on fertility to send the kid to college. I have always been up front with the guys I’ve dated about this. Last fall I got engaged a few months after we had the big talk. Actually we were just friends when we first discussed it. I got dumped in the spring because he changed his mind and decided he didn’t want to raise SOMEBODY ELSE’S CHILDREN. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that from men over the last 10 yers. I think there are a lot of people who just won’t consider it for that very reason.

The great irony of my life is that a few months ago a drug was released that will probably restore my fertility. The ex will never know.

Sorry if this comes off as a hijack instead of constructive.

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How about ‘dog in the manger’ theory? I don’t want my baby but I don’t want you to have it either?

I don’t think there is much societal support for women to give their babies up for adoption–even when it is obviously the best choice for all. I have friends who recently adopted a baby who was 3 months old. They had been selected by the birth mother–a 17 year old white girl (I mention this because this is the supposedly most desirable baby). The mother got cold feet at birth and kept the baby. At three months, she decided she couldn’t raise the child because she was getting absolutely no help from her parents and the father was in college and couldn’t help (or wouldn’t quit college to work and support the baby). This girl courageously gave up the baby. Her family was NOT supportive of this–wouldn’t help her support the baby but wanted her to keep it.

Society rewards unwed mothers for keeping their babies. Even dim old Dr. Laura is right sometimes and she points out how teenaged girls get baby showers and scads of attention for keeping their babies. No one mentions adoption and then it’s usually “I would NEVER give up MY baby”

Just a thought–when my state stopped giving teenaged girls who got pregnant their own apartments as part of the welfare system the pregnancy rate went down. It was a well meant thing–to get the young mother a place of her own–but a perverse incentive to get pregnant to have her own place. Maybe we ought to quit celebrating unwed motherhood quite so much and celebrate the courage of the birth mothers who give their children a chance at a better life.

That doesn’t even touch the issue of disabled infants. If you know of the disability prior to birth there is a large part of society that wants to eliminate the “defective” and certainly not much support for giving them up for adoption. This is true even though the tests for disabilities are sometimes dangerous to the fetus and can generate false positive results. It would be unheard of for a married woman to give up her “defective” baby for adoption–but it’s acceptable, even desirable to many to abort. Even though there are waiting lists to adopt special needs children like children with downs. Too bad more people don’t know that. Maybe you can help change those perceptions, Drainbead. I hope so. Good luck in your work.

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I don’t know the Minnesota laws, but in Ohio, it wasn’t nearly as bad as you describe. We had to attend a county-sponsored training course (12 Saturday mornings), write a biography, answer a few million questions on paper, then have two in-the-home interviews.

We had two case-workers and one of them was not pleased that I answered the question “Why do you want to adopt?” with “So that I can warp a child in my image.” (The other worker thought it was hilarious and I doubt that the upset worker would have kept us from adopting.)

We adopted through the county, so that meant we had no fees. (It also meant we were not adopting perfect white newborns, of course.) In Ohio, if you go through a private agency, you do have to get the county to approve you, but I have not ever heard of anyone without a criminal past actually being denied, and it is not all that expensive although there is a charge.

Since we didn’t go with a private adoption, I can’t really speak to the other issues you raised, although I do know there are a lot of costs in a private adoption regardless whether you go through a lawyer or an adoption agency. (Those people all have to eat, and their salaries have to come from somewhere.)

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Sorry…got home and checked my links and noticed the Adoption and Abortion link was to the wrong story. Try this one:

http://search.npr.org/cf/cmn/cmnps05fm.cfm?SegID=113026

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Hi Libby! Long time no see…
That is a really great question. You’re so right. In this day of empowerment, women have so many more choices and we don’t have the stigma of “a girl in trouble” like in years past. It’s sad that more women aren’t using their power to make adoption more popular. Why???How to do it???

I’ve thought about it for a long time and the only answer I can come up with is this: When they see it as something more than just unwanted fetal tissue and blood, when we stop describing it as an “dilemma” easily resolved, when it becomes socially acceptable and accepted to value on the life of an unborn baby, THEN more women will choose that option. We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or make them feel guilty, so it’s really hard…

Then, the issue of women who decide to keep their babies once their born. Open adoptions are really good to help with that. They can see the child and at least feel connected and proud that they did the best they could. But even that will be hard.

I think overall, the best hope we have for encouraging adoption over abortion and/or keeping the baby under very difficult circumstances, is to teach our daughters and sisters selflessness. Once the deed is done and we wind up pregnant, every choice we make thereafter will reflect on our ability & willingness to put the well-being of someone else over our own desires. Unfortunately, that is the hardest thing we’ll ever do in the life, but doing that, we show the true fruits of empowerment, and the greatest love.

-Katy

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"to put value on the life of "

“once they’re born”
I’m tired…

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Because to give up a baby who you have carried and loved for nine months is unutterably painful. That’s why women have difficulty giving up babies. It isn’t dog in the manger - it is maternal love and devotion. OK you can argue it is misguided love and devotion but if it were easy, more women would choose it.

In NZ open adoption is the law. It’s not an easy path but why should it be an easy path? I think the birth mother and the child have a right to a relationship, that if a woman is courageous enough to give the child to another person to raise, then yeah she is owed something.

Adoption involves a lot of pain and grief for all involved. It is not a simple band aid solution. I’ve been down the path of infertility and I would not have adopted. I can’t tell you how many people assumed that adoption would fix my infertility. You might have a baby but you are still unable to bear a child.

To sum up I think the grief of the relinquishing mother has to be addressed before adoption becomes a feasible option.

16

I have worked with enough kids that when I am married I intend to adopt at least one. I’ve just seen too many kids in the system…

Almost as horrific as the white families who don’t want to adopt a black child (my brother is one) are the black social workers (I’ve worked with them) who discourage white families from adopting black kids.

What really amazes me is that no politician has seized on this as an issue. It is the perfect political compromise to say “I’m pro-adoption.” Who can argue against that? Everybody knows the process needs to be streamlined and improved. I’m serious…this is a political gold mine, and nobody has used it.

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So does abortion; any unwanted pregnancy is going to be painful no matter what you do. Adoption, in my view, gives them a better chance of looking back and saying “I made the best of a bad situation.”

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I’m adopted. For me it has always been a terribly painful and difficult subject. It is hard to reconcile who you are when adopted…especially when you have no chance of contacting your “biological side”. At our family reunions every year…I look around…I don’t look like anybody else there (I mean, it’s funny!!). I don’t know what my parents look like. I don’t what songs my mother might have sung to me when I was little, or if my father would have taken me to little league games. I know it’s melodramatic, but the point is YOU NEVER KNOW. It’s like having amnesia… how can you feel complete or whole when your whole family history is non-existant.

I don’t take for granted what I have…a loving family who have been kind. But that nagging feeling of being an outsider, or being alone, is always there.

It’s something to consider when throwing around these “kinder, gentler” ideas of adoption. I’m not against it…but I’m not an advocate, either.

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So does abortion; any unwanted pregnancy is going to be painful no matter what you do. Adoption, in my view, gives them a better chance of looking back and saying “I made the best of a bad situation.” **
[/QUOTE]

Who’s ‘them’?

For some women, adoption is a livable option. For other women, termination is a better option. I know I am incapable of carrying a child and giving the child away. There’s nothing that could make that alternative feasible or possible for me.

Adoption is not a tabula rasa and in some ways it transfers the grief from the infertile woman to the relinquishing mother. I don’t think that should be trivialised or ignored. Some adoptees talk about the primal wound of being given away.

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Folks, can we keep the abortion debate confined to the multitude of other threads already discussing that?