I agree with smilingjaws tho I wouldn’t have called it the “dog in a manger”.
The emotional pain of carrying a child then turning the child over for adoption isn’t new. It’s alwasy been there.
What IS different, though, is that we no longer stigmatize an illegitimate birth. While I’m certainly not thinking that we need to dust off the word “bastard” to mean illegitimate, there IS major fallout.
IN the past, there was heavy pressure brought on the pregnant unmarried female to give the baby over for adoption. Now, it’s reveresed, and heavy pressure is there to keep the baby. I don’t recall there ever being the happy medium of “gee, what’s best for this child?” stage.
When I went to my son’s high school football games, there’d be the new mom proudly showing off her babe. One even had a toddler with her and was pregnant again. Gee, it IS good she hasn’t quit school, too, but damn, she could be a grandma at the same age I was a mom for the first time.
The posts of furt and primaflora “seemed” as if they were heading towards a “which is harder for a woman to experience…abortion or adoption” direction…which could bring up some other related abortion debate issues
Thats what I didnt think was helpful to “this” thread…
I do think that the “struggling single mother who triuphs against the odds” has become over-romantisied these days. Girls tend to assume that they too will suceed “against all odds” because when you are young it is hard to imagene the alternitive.
My little sister got pregenant when she was 15, and she gave the baby up for adoption through Catholic family Services in an open adoption. THe situation has worked out beautifully–when my sister got married last summer, Anna was the flower girl! Over all, I think encouraging open adoption is a good way to make adoption a more feasible option. One caveat: for open adoption to work, the birth mother needs to retain no rights to the child–if the birth mother turns out to be a terribel person, you have to have the right to deny her access to your child.
I didn’t marry until I was 32, and I had no real urge to have children. When I started dating the woman who is now my wife, I wasn’t looking for it to turn into a lifelong relationship, partly because I was okay with bachelorhood, and partly because she had two girls, one 3 and one 7. As the relationship progressed, I fell in love with my wife, and also grew to love the girls very much. It makes no difference to me that they don’t happen to share my DNA. Why should it? Last year, when I had my vasectomy, my wife worried that I would regret it, that I would be missing out on having “one of my own.” It’s an attitude I don’t understand. I love those kids, completely and unconditionally, and would gladly kill or die for them if I had to. What difference could it possibly make if they were mine biologically? Am I supposed to love a child I sired more? (Even worse, what if I actually did?) Certainly I realize that I missed out on my kids’ first few years, but I don’t feel that I would love them more fully had I not.
Now, I realize that adoption is somewhat different than my situation. I got to know my girls before I became their dad. I confess that it sounds as if it might be difficult being handed a baby and expecting to feel instant fatherly love. Obviously, the nine months pregnancy would do something to help alleviate that, although for all I know there may be plenty of new fathers who might feel unsure of how to react emotionally, as if their kid just appeared suddenly. Still, to just say “I would never raise SOMEBODY ELSE’S CHILDREN,” is incomprehensible to me.
Adoptive mom, daughter of an adopted man, close relative of a b-mom…
msrobyn - adoption is not as hard as you think. Homestudies are not very intrusive at all (or not when you realize their importance). My son is an international adoption (Korea), so we skip the b-parent, finding a baby issues, but I think open adoption of domestic kids is wonderful (it was too slow for us, and we had some background that made us getting “chosen” less likely). A reputable agency will keep the lawyers at a distance (Tomndebb indicated you were in Minnesota - my home state. Check our chsm.com)
On the “why not more” question…adoption is very difficult for the b-parent (particularly the mom, but in some cases the dad). For most b-parents it leaves a lasting hole in their soul (sometimes abortion does, too). Most b-parents don’t realize how hard it will be.
There is a lot of social stigma to giving up your child for adoption. Abortions can happen privately - everyone knows when you’ve placed a child for adoption.
Pregnancy is hard. The first trimester can be especially rough - morning sickness, tired all the time, changing body, huge hormonal changes (I have a bio as well).
I think b-moms should be celebrated and compensated in our culture. Instead, they are stimatized and their lives take a long and rough detour.