Help my friend integrate into public school

In My Humble Opinion
1

I just had a long phone call with my friend, and she needs help from secular people pronto.

This friend (“don’t tell anyone my name!”) is a very very very sheltered religious girl. And I mean really sheltered. A few weeks ago we got into a rather improbable discussion about sex, and it transpired that she wasn’t familiar with terms like “third base”, “rape”, and “condom”. Her side of the conversation mostly consisted of “WHAT?!?!?”

She was supposed to go to a religious school, but it fell through at the last minute, and she ended up in a public school. She tells me that half the girls there are pregnant, and the hallways are full of passionate couples being passinate couples- “eating each others’ faces” is how she put it. Unsuprisingly, she is deep in culture shock.

It’s already been rough going. She told me about part of her interview with the principal that went like this:

He: Do you have a boyfriend?
She: I’m not ready to get married yet.
He: I asked if you had a boyfriend.
She: I’m not ready to get married yet.
He: Stop playing around with me! Do you have a boyfriend or not?

(No, I don’t know how boyfriends came up in the first place. She says he asked a lot of silly questions, and kept repeating himself when he didn’t understand her answers).

Anyway, she has absolutely no idea what to do or say in a public situation. She sounded suprised when I told her that maybe she should have explained to the principal what she meant after he repeated himself. Actually, I think it never occured to her until he got mad that marriage and boyfriends are not always so closely connected.

She needs some survival rules. I told her that she should try to listen and learn the secular “language”, and that if someone didn’t understand what she was saying she should clarify that she comes from a different background and there’s been a misunderstanding. But I’m not really good at giving life advice. I’m a rather stange and stubborn person, and I’ve only survived socially because I live in a very tolerant enviroment. I think it’s going to take more than me to get her through.

She wants me to mention that she’s Lubavitch and she doesn’t want to compromise her principles. Other than that, I think she’s open to suggestions. What should I tell her?

2

Oy vey.

3

OK, I had to google Lubavitch. Apparently that’s a hardcore form of Judaism.

How old is this child? I’m guessing she’s a teenager.

Maybe sit with her to watch some of the teeny-bopper shows on TV or DVD…something like Degrassi. Explain the slang, etc to her, point out how the show exaggerates certain things, that kind of thing.

Maybe also grab some teeny-bopper magazines to go over together…17 or whatever the kids are reading now.

4

Tell her that the only place you can go through life without “compromising your principles” is somewhere where you can be surrounded by people who share all the same principles as you, and what she needs to figure out is which principles she is willing to compromise in order to live life in the world with the rest of us.

5

She’s fifteen.

I want to emphasize that most Lubavitchers know about the real world. They have to- they settle out in remote places and try to religify secular Jews. I don’t know much about this girl’s background, other than that she and her mom are converts.

Anyway, I can’t go over to her house and watch movies because she lives in Texas and I live in New Jersey. (I know, this keeps getting better and better, doesn’t it). I really hope her mother finds a good school for her by next year, but for right now, she just has to survive.

I don’t suppose that public schools have some sort of peer mentor program? Because, knowing her innocence, about the only person in a public school she would be able to have a conversation with would be a role-model student of the month type person.

6

Yeah, I was going to suggest this. She needs a buddy to help her learn her way around.

It’s really no different than if she were a foreign exchange student. Foreign exchange students are paired with host families so they have a familiar safe contact to help them negotiate any cultural differences. I’d arrange a meeting with her, her parents, the principal, and the school guidance counselor and try to work something out.

Be aware, however, that she and her parents need to realize that she’s the “foreigner” in this situation and she’s the one who’s going to have to make allowances to fit in. The school isn’t going to change to accommodate her. That doesn’t mean compromising her principles, but it does mean learning how to live within an unfamiliar culture.

7

All right, is anyone else seriously skeeved by this exchange? It sounds like he’s coming on to her or something.

8

Well, it coud have been a “getting to know you” question that just didn’t work. Maybe the principal also asked, Do you have a job? or Do you have siblings? At least I fervently hope he did, as the exchange struck me as very odd/skeevy as well

9

Yeah, why is the principal asking her if she has a boyfriend in the first place? :confused: If this is some kind of student welfare or health issue (like trying to indentify “at risk” girls) wouldn’t it be more appropriate for a female staff member (preferably guidence counselor or school nurse) to be asking her stuff like this?

10

I guess. But if she said, “I’m not ready to get married,” in response, it might seem weird, but it’s pretty clear that she doesn’t believe in dating. The whole, “Are you playing with me?!” part of the dialogue was odd to say the least.

11

Not necessarily. The same response could also have meant “I do have a boyfriend but we’re not that serious, it’s not like we’re engaged or anything.” It could even have meant “I’m playing the field because I’m sure not ready to settle down with one man yet.”

Although I think it was a rather odd thing for an adult authority figure to be asking this girl, I can see why the principal was frustrated by her indirect and ambiguous answer. I’m sure it seemed perfectly clear to her, but she’d have done better to just say “No” or “I’m too young to date.”

12

Shes not going to get killed. There’s really no advice to give. She’s either gonna stick with her weird religion or get on board with normal society. I doubt it will take very long for the latter to happen.

13

Christ, that’s a hard situation. It’s going to be tough on her, that’s for sure.

What part of Texas? Are we talking Austin or Thumpbible Central? Urban or rural? Rich or poor? Is the school big or small? These all make a difference, as far as I’m concerned.

I was actually in this situation. Here’s what worked for me.

For the time being, she should lay low and just take stock of the situation. No need to call attention to herself in any way shape or form. Mouth shut and ears open. I don’t know the specifics of her sect, but above all no prostelytizing! It sounds obvious, but you’d be surprised at the idiocies some teenagers are willing to commit in the name of their ill-defined “principles,” particularly when they don’t know much about how the outside world works.

Find a sympathetic friend or two, maybe someone who’s religious without being a jerk about it. Hang with him or her and learn all the unwritten rules. Learn whom to avoid and whom to seek out. Depending on the school, the preps, jocks, or shoppies might be calling the shots, and that’s something you want to figure out ASAP.

And yeah, get the scoop on this principal guy. He sounds kind of weird, and based on this snippet of conversation, I don’t think he’s going to be the person you turn to when you get into trouble, but then again, principals and other school administration seldom are.

Also, I would recommend against compromising her principles too much just to fit in. One of my bigger regrets about my teenaged years was trying too hard to fit in with the mainstream. If I had it to do over again, I would have been a little prouder letting my freak flag fly, again without being a jerk about it, but certainly I would have tried to resist the urge to go with the flow beyond basic survival instincts. One thing I would tell teenagers in public school from experience is that it’s possible to be yourself and still survive high school. You just need to learn the ropes, how to take care of yourself, whom to find in times of trouble, that sort of stuff, but it’s definitely possible. It’s harder, certainly, but I think being an individual who doesn’t compromise on what’s important to her makes it worth the effort and hassle.

Wish her luck for me. She’s got her work cut out for her.

14

In similar situations (though this one is really out there) I tried not to look shocked or surprised at anything that was said, even if inside I was screaming "“WTF?!” In her case she is also going to have to not look disgusted, scared, unhappy, or pretty much show any emotion at all. An air of having seen/heard it all before is probably in order.

Not offering opinions is the second good idea. That shouldn’t be too hard for a teenager, since “meh, whatever” is a valid response to almost any question seeking an opinion.

I like the suggestion of watching teenage-based TV shows, but she needs to know how sanitized they are compared with the real world. It’s a start though.

15

Missed the edit window:

Obviously she will have other students trying to get her to try all sorts of “bad stuff,” particularly if they realize how sheltered her life has been. She needs to get the skills of saying “no” without drawing attention to it. I’m sure there will be some on-line resources for things like smoking and drugs, but phrases like “nah, but you go ahead,” “no, I don’t really feel like it” and “nothing wrong with it, but it’s not my thing” worked for me. Again it’s a case of not being seen to pass judgement, while also deflecting the peer pressure. Not easy, and it doesn’t always work, which means that sometimes you do have to just make excuses and walk away.

16

I would encourage her to treat other points of view respectfully. She doesn’t have to convince or convert anyone to live up to her own principles, and most people will give you as much respect as you give them.

As the differences become known, some people are going to assume that she is judging them for not living by a strict set of rules as she does. Others are going to believe it’s their job to set her free from them. She can address both issues by graciously and calmly acknowledging the differences while watching fro signs of excitement in her conversational partner. If the other person begins to breathe quickly, their eyes get big, they start moving in close, these are signs that they are on a mission, or think they needs to “save” her. Such people are probably not salvageable as friends.

Advise her to seek contact with people who look happy, calm, secure. Advise her not to get sucked into friendships with sad or insecure people. She will be as vulnerable to emotionally saving others as she will be to others who think she needs saving.

Does she have a core group of friends outside the school? If they are isolated from a community of faith, I’d recommend a pen pal of her own age and beliefs.

hth

17

Well, the good news is that Jews don’t try and convert non-Jews into being Jewish.

The really bad news is that many Jews, especially the Lubavitchers, are really really into converting secular Jews into becoming black hats. They’re really fucking obnoxious about it.

So I think it’s a very good idea to talk to her about dealing with secular Jews. She definitely shouldn’t assume that they have anything in common because they’re both Jewish, and she definitely shouldn’t imply that her form of Judaism is better, even if she believes it.
And am I the only one who is really sort of upset that this girl is so sheltered that she’s never heard of rape?

18

I’d like you to attempt the following - tell your friend to enter rooms with a funny dance for a day and at one point while discussing the new school with you put her hands on her cheeks and go “oh no!” In a very poorly-acted fashion, and report back if she hears laughter. Knowing whether or not this is a quirky fish-out-of-water teen sitcom will give us valuable information on how to proceed.

Some advice if it comes out positive:
That guy over there is Largo, he’s a total douche, has great weed but I wouldn’t rely on him for anything. Also kind of a sleaze.

That dude over there is my main man Jay, we’re coo’, if you ever need to be hooked up with anything see him.

Those are the Chatterson Sisters, cheerleading squad three years in a row, the popular kids. Totally catty but what I wouldn’t give to hang out with them.

This is Becky, my BFF, you can join us after school and we’ll have a welcome slumber party!

And that’s [heavy sigh]Todd, he’s so dreamy!

Er… what?
Okay, okay, real advice. Keep a low profile, the other kids probably won’t bother her unless she invites them to, especially in high school where they don’t really pick on random people so much as rival cliques that were probably already established eons ago. She should probably make friends eventually in a natural way, but she’s not going to wither and die by being a loner. Teaching her secularese isn’t a bad idea, but she’ll probably pick it up in no time. Even if you spoon feed it to her it’s going to take a bit for it to “stick” anyway.

I think she should be fine, she’ll be seen as a bit queer, but there’s no way you’re going to fix that. The only thing I would recommend is to try and point out a few tips for recognizing when the guys do what highschool guys do, but the sex side shouldn’t come up if she’s that religious and the guy will resort to bluntness eventually if she’s not getting it and it seems she’s pretty keen on rejecting.

So, who wants to start a pool on when she starts assimilating and abandoning some of her principles?

19

I wish I had some useful advice to add, but I really don’t.

To those who are saying keep a low profile, one problem with that will be, I suspect, that if she’s a religious Jew, she probably wears only skirts below the knee and long sleeves. It’s slightly less dramatic attire than the black hat and peyes that the typical Hasidic Jewish boy would wear, but it will likely be another way she stands out in a secular school.

20

Can we get a picture similar to her attire Mall? I mean a long skirt along the lines of this are glaringly common, especially in fall/winter. I’m guessing the top is a little baggy so as not to “show” much, but if she at least tries to make the most of it even without just wearing the usual tight jacket it shouldn’t be TOO unusual.

Edit: Would you be surprised if I said I cannot find one full body picture of a female Lubavitch online?