I want to stop replaying the sound of my mother crying over the phone, saying “Your sister’s been in an accident, and she’s gone.” I want to stop thinking about how I immediately bought a plane ticket home and hugged my mother in the rain in front of her house. About the conversation with the funeral director about whether or not she would be viewable because of the extensive damages. About reading some of her writing at her funeral and praying I could just make it to the next word.
She was 28. She was always a wild child, and had a history of drinking and driving. Her license had been suspended for a DUI, and she had no insurance. She was going to AA and had only one class left before she got her license back. We were all pulling for her and it looked as if her life was turning around.
But somehow at 9:50 last Wednesday night, 9/9/09–a week after I got laid off from work and two days before the nation planned to mourn an awful anniversary–she entered the Turnpike going the wrong way. We don’t know how or why, but she drove for six miles before slamming head-first into a huge pickup truck at 90 mph. That driver was okay, but my sister was killed instantly.
We did end up getting to see her. The funeral home did an amazing job, although her condition worsened over the next few days. By the day of the funeral, Monday, her bruises had darkened and the gash on her forehead was more defined. I tried to comfort both my parents as well as my stepdad the best I could, but I also needed comfort. I wanted to start over; I wanted to be best friends and never fight; I wanted to agree on everything and share secrets with each other.
It was never that kind of thing. But as I said at her funeral, I was so proud of her. She was my baby sister, and I loved her very much. And I want her back.
That is terrible. Just reading the title put a knot in my stomach because I’ve had a weird feeling for years that my little sister will die an untimely death, even though there is no rational reason for it. I am really sorry for what happened. Being out of work might be a blessing in disguise right now.
I’m so, so sorry DooWahDiddy - I hope you find someone to support you, too, as you’re supporting the rest of your family. My thoughts are with you all.
I am so sorry. Sisters can be amazing and irreplaceable, and I’m afraid you will always feel the loss. Fortunately, time brings some acceptance of circumstances you can’t change; and once you get past the denial, anger, and survivor’s guilt, it becomes a little easier to live without a sibling. (Eleven years after the loss of my own sister, though, I can only compare it to phantom limb pain. It doesn’t really become a lot less painful, but you learn to accept that this is a circumstance of your life.)
If I can offer any advice at all (which you didn’t ask for, and which is worth exactly what you’ve paid me for,) celebrate the lovely young woman that you had the privilege of knowing for 28 years, appreciate the improvements she was working hard to make in her life, and forgive yourself for not anticipating or preventing your sister’s final goodbye. While you’re at it, forgive her, please, for the circumstances under which she left you and your family. That’s a really hard step, but an essential one. You don’t know and never will know exactly what led her to her final unwise decision. But if you’ve known and trusted her for the better part of three decades, you probably know that she made a single unwise decision in extremis. She very likely didn’t set out to hurt herself or anyone else, including your family. It’s far more likely that she just had a moment of poor judgment for which she paid dearly…
None of this is easy, but all is essential. Despite her troubles, I’m sure you know that your sister loved you. Live your life knowing how fortunate you were to have known such a wonderful person, not feeling guilty because you were only able to share 28 years with her.
I’m so sorry DooWahDiddy. I haven’t been in your situation and hope I never will be… the feeling I got in the pit of my stomach just reading your post was more than enough for me. How fortunate your sister was to have people who cared as deeply about her as you clearly do.
DooWahDiddy, words fail me – to have lost someone so young and whose life was on the upswing. Having lost a sister and a brother, my heart aches for you and your family. My sincerest condolences to all of you.
I know you didn’t ask for advice, so ignore this if you like. It’s really important to share the stories about your sister, and it becomes more important as time goes on. That’s how we keep the memory of someone fresh, yet I find our society isn’t very comfortable with that notion.
So when you feel up to it, I’d encourage you to post something about your sister. It’ll help, really it will.
Wishing you and your family courage and the comfort of friends in your dark times.
My deepest condolences, DooWahDiddy. I wish I had the words to make everything better for you and your family, but I don’t. Please know that we’re here for you.
