CSI: Miami - is this show a joke? (open 11/9 spoilers)

[ZipperJJ]

Being a fan of CSI (Vegas) I had the misfortune of watching CSI: Miami this week since there is a "trilogy" crossover between the three versions.

Is it just me or is this an awful, awful show?

You've got David Caruso, who's acting just speaks for itself.

As for the writing...

A woman bursts into the police station, asks for the desk sergeant, and tells him her daughter's missing. It's been less than 24 hours. He sort of poo-poos her and she wails "Isn't anyone listening?!" In comes Horatio (Caruso) - who's just a CSI not an officer or a sheriff - and he croons "I'm listening..." He decides to take on the case, because "I KNOW my daughter!"

They find an abandoned car on a highway in the middle of the Everglades. There's blood next to the car. Many minutes after the CSIs arrive and begin investigating, they come to the out-loud conclusion that there was a struggle, between two people (ok, ruled out someone bludgeoning themselves and walking away). Then, way too much later, they decide dramatically that there must have been another car to take the attacker and victim away. Good call.

Later on, they find an arm on an embankment. Through all of the dirt and decomp, an astute CSI notes a bruise on the shoulder and says "that is our victim. She had a bruise!"

Shortly after, they find a leg. A leg with a very visible tattoo on the ankle. No one mentions the tattoo (it's not the main victim's leg). It gets shipped off to the ME. The ME has to point out to the CSI (the one who saw the bruise) that there's a tattoo on the ankle. "Huh!"

The ME was clever enough to spot the tattoo, but not the fact that the foot was covered in sand. "Oh! Good catch CSI Blonde! I was about to wash it down the drain!"

They figure out the leg has been in Vegas, because of the makeup of the sand. They video conference with Vegas CSI via their Tardis Central Command Unit, and tell the head guy over there that they've got a leg from Vegas. "Does it have a butterfly tattoo on the ankle?" he asks. CSI Blonde HAS TO LOOK THIS UP. This leg we've been staring at all day, the one I found sand on, I am not sure if it has a tattoo.

It does have a tattoo. Immediately the CSI from Vegas says "oh! Definitely our missing girl. I'm coming to Miami. Via chopper."

The CSI Vegas guy's name is Dr. Ray Langston. Immediately everyone in Miami takes to calling him "Dr. Ray." Not Dr. Langston, or "Ray" as he's known in Vegas. Dr. Ray. WTF?

The ME is so stoked to meet Dr. Ray. He's a fan of his papers. He gets all mushy. Dr. Ray examines the leg, and totally schools the ME. "Jeepers Dr. Ray, you're so smrt!" Dr. Ray has come prepared with a bunch of slides showing how different blades cut bones. Later, a foot comes in. He has to make practice cuts with a bunch of blades to determine what kind of blade was used to cut it. Guess he left his slides at the hotel.

They spend a lot of time looking at these decomposed, severed limbs. Under bright lights, in presumably non-chilled labs. Without masks. Must smell great!

It's a meat cleaver that cut the leg off. They find a butcher. Not just any butcher, but a guy who runs a fancy restaurant (in Miami and Vegas) where he chops up sides of beef in front of customers before cooking them. He's got a nice clever. So nice that he goes a little berserk when Dr. Ray picks it up. Very expensive, dontchaknow. Well, it's the weapon in question. Because obviously this butcher has NO OTHER CLEAVERS.

The rest of the show just gets awful-er and stupid-er. Much over-acting from Dr. Ray and Horatio. Vapid acting from CSI Blonde. Super goofy acting from CSI Comic Relief.

I know that prime time dramas have to dumb it down a bit and have the actors say obvious things so that the audience can follow. But damn, the writing on this show is heavy handed. The acting even more so.

According to it's Wikipedia page, Miami is "The World's Most Popular TV Show". No joke. Maybe because it's so simple for people with second language is English? It's overly dramatic like a telenova? It's the only American crime drama exported to the 20 countries polled?

I've only seen this one episode and flipped through a couple others when Khandi Alexander was the ME (I like Christian Clemenson as an actor but he's way too goofball for an ME)....

Is this anyone's favorite version of CSI? Do you think this episode is a good example of the entire show? Why do you like this one over the other versions?

I'm sort of dumbfounded.

[Leaper]

According to Forbes, David Caruso is the 10th most highly paid man on primetime TV.

So obviously a lot of people out there must like the show. *shrugs*

[ArchiveGuy]

Originally Posted by Leaper

So obviously a lot of people out there must like the show. *shrugs*

I don't think there's any doubt that people like the show. That still doesn't stop it from be a huge acre-full of dumb.

I hadn't seen any of the incarnations in a while, but thought I'd give the trilogy a go. The first thing I noticed were that there were quite a few cast members I didn't recognize, as well as some new ones (Clemenson, for example) I didn't know had been added.

The second thing, of course, is how dumb, to different degrees, they all continue to be. The thing I don't like about all these procedurals is that they're too badly written and (generally) acted to invest in emotionally, but the stories are so junked up with pseudo-science, leaps-of-assumptions, and ridiculous contrivances to be engaging as mysteries. I watch House, Monk, Castle and Psych, and while they may superficially fall under the same generic umbrella of "crime drama", I find them endlessly more entertaining because they hitch their posts on character, cast dynamics, wit, and/or a more relaxed tone.

What's so laughable is that the CSI's all risked getting hernias, so insistent they were in taking themselves so seriously (sorry, Fishburne & Sinise--as fine as you are as actors, even you can't sell that particular bill of goods). But they're all so thin as wax paper, I had a hard time caring about anyone or anything. And don't get me started on the hyper-editing, multi-split-screens, "hip" soundtrack poaching, and all these other empty-headed bells & whistles that try to pass for style. Ugh.

[StoutHearted]

Sunglasses removal + bad quip = awesome drama, don't you know that? Or do you hate 'merica?

[mhendo]

Originally Posted by StoutHearted

Sunglasses removal + bad quip = awesome drama, don't you know that?

Over 7 minutes of awesome drama

[Covered_In_Bees!]

Originally Posted by mhendo

Over 7 minutes of awesome drama

Jesus christ that was lame as fuck. I couldn't make it past three minutes before I wanted to gouge my ears and eyes out.

Luckily, nothing a little Predator quote won't clear up in a hurry.

[unclviny]

Okay,
CSI Miami IS ONE OF the lamest shows ever.

Here is every CSI Miami episode ever:

Somebody dies.

Roger Daltrey screams at you.

Howdy-Doody pulls up in the imitation Hummer, stands at an angle to the camera, removes his glasses and says something that apparently someone (a 7th grader maybe) thinks is cool.

They go back to the "Lab" that looks suspiciously like a European Disco club.

They pull something out of thin air using technology that occasionally even exists.

Using Cop-like powers apparently bestowed on them by Og they "book'em Dano" just in the nick of time.


Now for the reasons the show exists:

Emily Proctor

That woman who was on "Caroline in the city" (I guess I should know her name being as we are in a relationship and all).

A couple of swarthy, hot, young, beefcake guys (not my bag but I'm sure they draw fans to the show).



I watch "Crossing Jordan" every morning while I work out, it's a crappy "Quincy" knockoff but I'd watch Jill Hennesy read the phone book.


Unclviny

[Gala Matrix Fire]

I'm pretty inured to bad acting--I've watched countless hours of Six Million Dollar Man, Three's Company, etc., so nobody can call me an acting snob. I'm one of the most oblivious people out there when it comes to bad acting.

But I can't watch David Caruso for a full minute without changing the channel. He's like the black hole of acting. Just a few syllables out of his mouth whisks away all suspension of disbelief and reminds me "this is not real, this is a TV show, a bad TV show, get out now!!"

Too bad, because it's so pretty. When Caruso is off-screen. Love the colors.

[glee]

I love CSI Vegas, but gradually stopped watching CSI Miami.

I liked Miami when Speedle was in it (good interplay with Delko).
However it's gone over to:

- Caine increasingly overacting [Sunglasses OFF] "I promise you we'll get the killer!"
- gorgeous women* as CSIs, techs, police, suspects and witnesses
- emphasising the Spanish connection (which accounts for a lot of it's world-wide popularity)


*I have absolutely no problem with these actresses - I just don't think a crime procedural show should have so many

[Lamia]

Originally Posted by unclviny

Okay,
CSI Miami IS ONE OF the lamest shows ever.

Here is every CSI Miami episode ever:

Somebody dies.

Roger Daltrey screams at you.

I have bolded the only good thing about CSI: Miami.

I love The Who, so I have to give the franchise credit for their taste in theme music. But that's about all I give them credit for. Well, the original Vegas CSI is (or was, I haven't watched it in years) fairly entertaining, but CSI: Miami is just ridiculous.

ETA: It would be funny if someone made a montage like the one linked above, but replaced Roger Daltrey's scream with a rimshot noise.

[ZipperJJ]

Originally Posted by glee

- gorgeous women* as CSIs, techs, police, suspects and witnesses

I noticed that too. I don't think I saw CSI Hotstuff, the DNA Tech, except for once, just a shot of her looking quizzically at a computer monitor wearing more makeup than any professional scientist should. It immediately made me think about the DNA Tech Wendy from Vegas and how she looks on the show. She is a cute girl, and being that she's an actress she is definitely pretty...but in her role she is not glamorous like the tech in Miami.

[Neverending Elbow]

My mum likes it. When we're watching it together she'll keep on saying how amusing the redhead is. She has an attitude about it that a lot of people have about action films - it's not to be taken seriously, just sit back and enjoy the strangely orange-coloured ride. I take the advice and it serves me well - Caruso is just so ridiculously intense, you have to view each scene with a set of humour-tinted glasses.

[Kyla]

As far as I'm concerned, the only useful thing CSI: Miami has contributed to society was that it resulted in Supernatural's awesome parody a couple weeks ago

[Tim R. Mortiss]

All television dramas (and movies too) are ridiculous on some level or another. They all fall apart under too much inspection. We each have to choose where we draw the line personally and say, "this is TOO much!" I'm with most of you on agreeing that CSI:M is well beyond the cutoff!

But I still watch it, mostly for the cleavage. And to laugh at Caruso.

If you want all the gorgeous Miami scenery, but a GOOD show, watch Burn Notice on USA.

[mhendo]

Originally Posted by Tim R. Mortiss

If you want all the gorgeous Miami scenery, but a GOOD show, watch Burn Notice on USA.

I actually like Dexter for Miami scenery. It makes the city seem much more appealing than CSI Miami does.

[AuntiePam]

Originally Posted by Kyla

As far as I'm concerned, the only useful thing CSI: Miami has contributed to society was that it resulted in Supernatural's awesome parody a couple weeks ago

I have a bunch of this season's Supernaturals on the DVR. Was the whole episode done in this fashion? It's hysterical.

[Mahaloth]

Originally Posted by Kyla

As far as I'm concerned, the only useful thing CSI: Miami has contributed to society was that it resulted in Supernatural's awesome parody a couple weeks ago

I agree! Great show, intelligent and fun writers....shocking for network TV

Originally Posted by AuntiePam

I have a bunch of this season's Supernaturals on the DVR. Was the whole episode done in this fashion? It's hysterical.

No, just that segment. The rest was all different show parodies, including a Japanese game show:

Sam and Dean on "Nutcracker!"

Seriously, everyone should be watching Supernatural.

[Love Rhombus]

Wait, he flew from Vegas to Miami..on a chopper? As in, helicopter?

[AuntiePam]

Originally Posted by Mahaloth

Seriously, everyone should be watching Supernatural.

This is true. I watch eventually, usually a marathon from the DVR or the DVDs, but I haven't been keeping up at all. It's on opposite The Office, and it used to be on opposite both The Office and Ugly Betty.

While we're talking implausible plot points, I watched part of The Good Wife last week. I'd heard good things about it and I like Chris Noth and Juliana Margulies. You wanna know what they did? In the middle of cross examination, it was revealed to Margulies' character that her partner (the one doing the cross) wasn't a lawyer. He'd gone to law school but failed the bar exam. How's that for a stupid plot point?

[Darth Sensitive]

Originally Posted by zipperjj

csi: Miami - is this show a joke?

YEEEEAAAAAH!!!!!!!!



I mean, yes, yes it is.

[dropzone]

Originally Posted by unclviny

I watch "Crossing Jordan" every morning while I work out, it's a crappy "Quincy" knockoff but I'd watch Jill Hennesy read the phone book.

Now I want to see Jack Klugman read the phone book. He's not as easy on the eyes (or ears) as Hennessey, but I'd like so see him get all Stanislavski on the Yellow Pages.

[BiblioCat]

Originally Posted by Love Rhombus

Wait, he flew from Vegas to Miami..on a chopper? As in, helicopter?

I would assume he flew into the airport, and they choppered him to the crime scene.

[Ají de Gallina]

Khandi Alexander, 52 and still smolderingly hot. Can't act to save her life though.
I second de Jill Hennesy/phonebook act and move to an immediate vote

[gonzomax]

NCIS has replaced CSI in our house. Better interplay with the characters.

[Kyla]

Originally Posted by AuntiePam

I have a bunch of this season's Supernaturals on the DVR. Was the whole episode done in this fashion? It's hysterical.

I won't hijack any further, but you have got to watch the fake opening credit sequence they made for this episode. I was in physical pain, I laughed so hard.

[BobArrgh]

Originally Posted by unclviny

I watch "Crossing Jordan" every morning while I work out, it's a crappy "Quincy" knockoff but I'd watch Jill Hennesy read the phone book.

You and me both!

[BobArrgh]

For those who think that David Caruso only has one signature move, I would like to suggest that you have underestimated his acting ability by half. In fact, here is a flowchart that captures his wide range: http://www.cracked.com/funny-116-david-caruso/.

[tanstaafl]

I have long maintained that CSI: Miami is a comedy and everyone involved with the show knows except David Carouso. And everyone is forbidden to tell him.

[PlainJain]

I vote comedy otherwise it doesn't make sense. Trust me, watch it as a parody and it'll have you in stitches.

On a semi-related note, here's one of the funniest things that's ever come out of it. Why this meme didn't take off is beyond me but if I had the skills to make these mash ups I could think of tons of them.