Is this "hostess" totally out of line?

In My Humble Opinion
1

So a friend of mine from work suggested starting a “game night” a few months ago. It was supposed to be her and her husband, and me and my boyfriend. We were going to alternate homes and have it once a month.

First game night is this Saturday at their place. First problem, she has no games. No problem, says us. We’re happy to provide various board games. Knowing that my boyfriend is an avid baker, I also offer for us to bring dessert.

The other day she mentions that it’s going to be three couples total (the third couple we don’t know.) Okay, so now we’re bringing the games for game night, plus the dessert for six instead of four. Still feeling okay about it.

Then she asks us to bring the wine. Ooookay. Not wanting to be rude, I agree. The boyfriend and I aren’t heavy drinkers, we’ll probably drink a glass each, so we can spare a couple bottles from our stash.

Note: the boyfriend and I are hosting our own bbq next weekend. Rather large, about 25 people or so coming over. We haven’t asked anyone to bring anything. Friend is invited. Friend knows about bbq since friend was invited before she suggested game night.

Back to the story:

For all those keeping count, we’re now providing the games, dessert and wine for game night.

She texts me yesterday to let me know there’s now another couple coming. So now we’ve got 8 people total that my boyfriend and I will be bringing dessert, wine and entertainment for.

Today she texts me and tells me she’ll be getting a lasange from Costco for dinner. Here’s when I start to become seriously annoyed. She invited us to game night. Now she’s essentially telling me all she’s doing is running to costco to grab a lasange while my boyfriend and I bring the entertainment, the dessert and the booze? What are the other couples bringing? Christ, what is she bringing?

Not being one to hold my tounge once I’m pushed past a certain point, I text her and ask “so, you’re getting a lasange from Costco and we’re bringing the entertainment, the booze and the dessert for eight. Unfortunately we can only bring a bottle or two because we’re hosting our own party next week, hope that’s ok.” I’m hoping she caught the sarcastic twinge in my message. Apparently she didn’t. She responds with…

“That’s fine. Bring sodas if you want them, otherwise, I have water.”

Now I just went from annoyed to straight pissed. WTF?? This has gone from us bringing a pie or some cookies and a bottle of wine for the four of us to

  • all of the entertainment
  • the booze
  • the dessert
  • anything other than water we might want to drink.

Is she kidding me? We’re essentially providing the entire freaking party and she can’t be bothered to pick up a six pack of Pepsi at Safeway? She can’t ask one of the other two couples she invited to bring anything?

At this point, I feel like we can’t back out of this thing, I mean, we are pretty much bringing the entire party. I feel like asking her if she’d rather we just have game night for her and her friends here since we’re pretty much hosting it ourselves at this point.

What say ye, Dopers? Is she out of line? How would you react to this situation? Remember, I work with her, so I don’t want any sort of blow-out or anything.

2

From personal experience, I say do what you committed to do this time. BUT, cancel your participation in any of their other gaming nights. She’s a leech. Don’t continue to do games with them or anyone from their group.

She’s way out of line, but there’s no point in telling her that, she knows it, she’s using you. Since you work with her, having a confrontation about this is not the greatest idea. Just consider it a lesson learned.

3

Right on!

4

I wouldn’t even go through with this one. I’d just tell her that you’ve decided it’s become too much, that you had envisioned a very small gathering- just you and them- and that you don’t want to do this. What is she going to do? You have the right to your feelings.

5

I’m hoping she caught the sarcastic twinge in my message

Sarcasm doesn’t work well in text form.

6

I would have something suddenly come up.

7

I’m not exactly known for my maturity, but for what it’s worth I wouldn’t even do this night. I’d straight up ask her why the fuck it’s OK for her to expect me to bring all the shit. I hate people like this bitch.

8

See, part of me wants to “have something come up”, but I almost think that would be ruder than what she’s doing. Flaking on someone when you’re responsible for so much just seems…mean. I truly think she’s just being oblivious about the whole thing, I don’t think she’s intentionally doing it. That’s why I’m torn between saying something to her, or just going and not doing it again…

9

If you don’t want to make waves, I’m in with MoodIndigo1. Go this time, but if it happens again put your foot down.

Since the next game night is presumably at your place, are you expected to invite all 3 couples or just the woman and her partner?

I have a regular game night at my house and never ask anyone to bring ANYTHING. I serve pizza, pop and snacks (and I gotta make sure I get all the kinds of pizza people want to eat). Sometimes people bring desserts and it’s great but if I’m throwing a party, it’s all on me unless the point of the party is “pot-luck”.

10

I know it could seem incredibly rude to cancel. But, I look at it this way- you’re not canceling the same arrangement you originally agreed to. You’re only canceling her horrible adaptation of it- you’re just not agreeing to it. I’d just let her know straight up- ah, no. How about we do this never? Is never okay with you?

Okay, it’s probably realistically too late to not agree to it, especially if you already, you know, have. Scarlett67 will come along shortly with a great suggestion- I can see the future.

11

How about this: “I’ve been thinking, and since it seems we’re providing most of the stuff for the party anyway, why don’t we just have it at our house? Then next month you can provide everything when it’s your turn to host.”

Then next month you can be “too busy” with a clear conscience. And she just may get the message that the party host, should actually, you know, host.

12

She’s pretty damned generous with other people’s money, eh?

Given the original assumption of a “game night”, it seems like it is being changed to something else without your approval, as eight people doesn’t work for too many games. It’s becoming her social/party night, with other people bringing the stuff that she as hostess should be providing.

I probably wouldn’t bow out at this point, but I’d very likely say something about it no longer being the game night that I expected and that I wasn’t comfortable with things being changed so far beyond what I had originally agreed to, and that I wasn’t comfortable providing so much in the way of deserts and wine for HER PARTY.

Beyond that, I’d likely not be available for future events under the same terms.

13

Yes, she’s an appalling leech. I would go ahead and ask to host it at your house this time around and never hang out with her again. I mean, transporting all that shit sounds like a pain.

Sucks that you have to keep seeing her at work.

14

Absolutely out of line. We host a Rock Band thing at our place nearly every week where we make food and provide drinks for 1-14 people. Sometimes we mention that we’d appreciate if folks could chip in a buck or two or bring a six-pack of whatever they’d like because that stuff adds up when you do it every week, and while it’s greatly appreciated when the regulars chip in, we sure as hell don’t expect or assume that anyone will. As hosts it’s our job to provide the food, drinks, entertainment and hopefully enough room for everyone to sit comfortably. If we can’t for some reason, we skip the gatherings until we can.

There have been a few times when other people will host and there’s only ONE couple that can be bothered to provide food and drinks. The other two that have hosted wouldn’t even cook. My boyfriend and I (the freakin’ GUESTS) end up in their kitchens making food, instead of relaxing. What was the point of them hosting if the guests do the work? My boyfriend doesn’t care, since he enjoys cooking, but it really chaps my ass when that happens.

15

The line is a dot to this woman. I don’t know if she’s a people user, clueless, or entitled, but any way she got there, she’s beyond belief. I like the idea of suggesting that you just host it at your house since you’re doing everything, anyway (and don’t let her bring anything - if you count on her for anything, she’ll bring like a two person lasagna for eight people and be surprised that it’s not enough), and then just never expect her to host anything again in the future.

16

I disagree. I see this as a case of miss communication and different expectations.

You saw this is a full-on dinner party. Your friend saw this as a BYOB “let’s get some people together at my place and play some games” informal gathering.

She probably saw your offer to provide desserts as “I like to bake and I don’t get an excuse to bake often enough, so I’ll bring stuff to share!” whereas it seems like you saw it as “Desserts will be my contribution to this party.”

Really, you can’t get resentful about something you freely offered. She probably saw that as a kind of extra, not something she was asking you to do. It’s kind of silly to get resentful about the board games, too. I mean, it’s not really any effort at all to cart over a couple of boxes. So we are left with the wine, which falls under BYOB, a pretty common and acceptable thing for an informal party. None of this is particularly outrageous. It’s just that you expected something different.

If I were you, I’d just change my expectations. Pick up a couple bottles of two-buck-chuck and some Chips Ahoy, go and have a good time meeting new people and hanging out with your friends.

I’ve got a friend who lives a life of constant disappointment because she always goes the extra mile in social relationships, even when nobody asked her to or expected it, and she gets resentful when people don’t do the same back. She’s the kind of person always does tons of research and go over the price limit for the office secret santa, and then pouts for a week when she gets a coffee mug and scented candles. She’ll spend weeks planning and piles of money on a simple dinner party, and then get all resentful that her friends are equally happy going dutch at the Olive Garden. You don’t want to be like that!

So I say instead of putting in tons of effort and getting huffy when it’s not reciprocated, meet people’s friendships on their own terms and just enjoy each other’s company without all these expectations!

17

I like the idea of offering to host it. Considering I don’t know the two other couples, it’d be pretty damn obvious what my intentions would be when making that “suggestion,” though, which would make me feel pretty jerkish if she’s really just being oblivious.

I guess I’m looking for a way to show her what she’s doing isn’t cool while remaining polite myself. I want to avoid it backfiring and me coming off as the jerk.

18

Well, if you’re hosting next month, just ask her to bring games, dessert, wine, centerpieces, live music,…
That could backfire. She’s liable to invite her entire high school class to your place.

19

Why not just ask her, “so, are any of the other guests bringing anything? You may want to tell them to BYOB since we’ll only be bringing 2 bottles of wine.”

20

Oh, that’s easy. Call her the day of and tell her that you’re in the hospital recovering from a heart attack caused by all the stress. :stuck_out_tongue: