I was always told growing up that, when attending a social event, you ALWAYS NEED TO BRING SOMETHING - even if you’re running a half hour late, you still grab a vegetable platter or bottle of wine at the grocery store on the way so as not to show up empty handed, which is the most classless thing you can do.
I’m starting to become suspicious of this practice because I keep seeing tables piled with much more food/drink than can get consumed and it’s impossible to register who brought which item. I’ve seen also hurt feelings when the unexpected food disrupts the best laid meal plans of the hosts … and if someone doesn’t bring something, there’s often an undercurrent of “thank god” by the hosts.
But I still can’t quite bring myself to show up completely empty handed. So what do people think? Always bring, always ask first or what?
Unless they say “bring a dish,” bring a nice bottle of wine. In my social circle, it’s understood that the hosts do all of the meal planning and cooking (or hire the caterers) unless they state otherwise.
I try to bring wine, but the college friend and his wife who I’m visiting most often are wine connoisseurs, so I never know what to get. A couple of times, I gave them gift certificates to a good local wine shop. A couple of other times, I gave them some good olive oil from a small merchant near me.
I wish wine as a gift would go away, actually, or at least people should find out if the hosts even like wine. I’ve gotten so many wine bottles over the years and we don’t drink a drop, so we’re always regifting. Because of this I never give wine either.
I bring candy or sometimes some Ben & Jerry’s in a flavor i know the hosts like, because that’s a splurge for us.
The food and wine a person brings as a hostess gift is meant for them to consume when they want; they’ve already planned out the evening’s meal and what I bring may not fit in. The gift is for their enjoyment, at their leisure.
I have a real bugaboo about people bringing food to my parties – I absolutely hate it.
All I ask of my guests is that they come prepared to have a good time. If you feel obliged to bring something, a plant* or another hostess gift is okay. If it’s a hostess gift and it’s food (like candy or gourmet dried fruits) wrap it to make it clear you don’t expect me to serve it at the party.
A plant is better than a bouquet of flowers IMO because often I’m running around at the start of a party, greeting guests and taking coats and getting drink orders, and really don’t want to take the time to find a vase.
I don’t think you should bring food that would be expected to be served as part of the social gathering, unless you asked and got an indication that this would be welcome. But I do agree with not showing up empty handed. I think the gift can be anything that you think would please the hostess/host. Aside from the typical wine/flowers/plants/candy, I’ve seen cute kitchen linens, candles, flowering bulbs, pretty guest towels, home baked treats and homemade jam. Someone once brought a small decorative plate that she had spotted in an antique store that made her think of me, and that made a big impression because it was so thoughtful. There are many good options!
I bring something and I spend a little time to make sure that I don’t do something gauche like bring wine to the home of a recovering alcoholic. I think it’s nice to do something like flowers or chocolates that are by their nature, not lasting rather than linens or tchotchkes which they may feel are cluttering up their house, unless they’ve intimated receptivity to such gifts.
And I think there’s a time for dissembling and a time for frankness and I would not be afraid to ask directly what sort of gifts are appropriate for them and I would not be nonplussed if someone asked me what I preferred. Etiquette is to help us all get along, not to add stresses to our lives.
I wasn’t raised in the obligated to bring food/beverage universe. It was, and still is, something of an alien concept.
So I think berating people who don’t bring stuff is jerkish behavior. Your rules and other people’s rules aren’t alway going to be the same.
And be extremely careful about bringing possibly taboo items like alcohol. If you showed up at my house with booze, I’d ask that you take it back to you car and leave it.
For this and other reasons, in general, we’d prefer if you didn’t bring anything.
I keep a kosher kitchen, so someone bringing a dish of something to my house can be a real problem.
Aside from that, I don’t “host” pitch-ins. When I host, I make the entire dinner. People can bring themselves, and that’s all. I don’t expect a gift, and don’t need one. I appreciate a thoughtful one, but I don’t appreciate some crap someone picked up on the way to fulfill some imaginary obligation. I’m allergic to flowers, and have cats that eat plants.
Bringing wine would mean you know the hosts would drink it, or at least some other company would.
It depends on the gathering. I hosted my boyfriend’s birthday, and he cooked most of the food. I did request, since I knew that there would be drinking, if they could bring some drinks of their own, as I wasn’t sure I could budget for all that was consumed. But that no food was needed, as there would be ample food provided (and there was).
If I can’t get a good idea of what’s actually needed then I bring flowers or candy, or beer or wine if appropriate. And the choice is there is usually based on what I can pick up on the way over. When I do stuff at my house I’ll tell people to bring desserts or drinks because I’ll have provide plenty of everything else. The idea is show your appreciation for their hospitality, if you don’t think they need any kind of food bring a box of trash bags, they’ll appreciate that.
