Etiquette opinions - contributing food to social gatherings

In My Humble Opinion
21

One nice compromise is to bring a nice box of candy. Fannie May in the Chicago area. The host can pass it around after dinner, or keep it for themselves for later. A bottle of wine is another possibility - unless they are major wine snobs/collectors. Don’t bring swill - pretty hard to go wrong with a nice bottle in the $15-20 range. Again, they can open it, save it for later, or re-gift it.

Unless it is a potluck, I don’t want people to bring food to my house, when I’ve planned the menu and done the prep. And don’t you DARE bring something that needs to be heated up, re-plated, etc.

I’ve already decorated my house for the party. Please do not bring flowers that might not go with the decor, or will require my trimming them, hunting down a vase…

Do you see a bunch of houseplants inside our home? No? Then why would you think we’d want you to being us one?

Please just bring yourself, a good attitude, and a good appetite.

22

And there you go; flowers seem such a nice, inoffensive gift (at least for those without allergies). Who knew that the bouquet you picked up from the supermarket might clash with their decor?

23

I try to get a feel for specific hosts and what they might want, but thankfully it’s not really a big deal either way in my social circle. When I host I prefer guests bring nothing, unless there’s something specific they want to eat or drink, like our vegetarian friend that insists we not make anything special for him. As much as I appreciate the gesture of a hostess gift, we’re trying to watch what we eat and we rarely drink alcohol, so gifts of alcohol or candy can be frustrating. At one point our pantry became a running joke for our group because an entire shelf was full of alcohol that just kept growing from gifts. Just thank us for hosting and enjoy the food. That’s all we want.

24

If at all unsure I’d ask - and whether they suggest bringing a side dish or dessert, or something to drink, or nothing at all, I’d take them at their word.

(If you feel you must make a gesture, I think the vast majority of people would appreciate flowers sent as a thank you gift after the party)

25

I kind of like the idea of a cook book. Especially if the hosts enjoy giving dinner parties.

26

Someone brought an aloe plant to one of my parties last summer. Very cool hostess gift - I haven’t had to water it but once and I used some aloe from it a few weeks ago!

27

I always ask. Usually I phrase it like “What kind of wine should I bring?” or “Is someone bringing bread?”

28

One time we were going to some friends’ house for dinner. We stopped off to buy flowers. I pushed for a big bunch of showy glads. Well, the hostess obviously had no idea how to deal with them, and lacked an appropriate vase. Imagine she would have preferred not to have spent the time sawing off the ends to jam them into a too-small vase which ultimately tipped over…

“Clash with decor” might suggest we aspire to more “style” than we do, but we generally try to have our home “looking nice” (in our opinion) when we invite guests for anything other than something casual. Our home is not overlarge, and when we prepare for company we do not have expanses of table/countertops that would be enhanced by the addition of a vase full of flowers.

Add to that that peoples’ taste in flowers vary, and people can vary as to what types of floral arrangements they think go best in different settings. You might find it silly, but - for example - if I have tried to create a “classy” formal dinner environment, I don’t welcome need a big bunch of dyed daisies - no matter how well-intentioned.

In a very minor respect, bringing flowers sort of suggests that the hosts have insufficiently prepared or decorated. (I realize I’m phrasing this poorly, and anticipate criticism in response.) If i want flowers in my home, I’ll put them there. Why don’t you just as much bring paintings or draperies, suggesting that I might improve upon my choice of artwork or window coverings?

Guests bearing gifts certainly mean well, but this host views the overwhelming majority of host-gifts as impositions, rather than welcome additions. All I’m saying is assess your host before deciding whether to bring any gift, and then choosing a particular gift.

29

An abused animal from the shelter. Especially if they aren’t already doing their part and are pet less.

30

Yeah, bringing giant bunches of glads or other huge flower arrangements, isn’t really called for, in my opinion.

But you have to be pretty up tight to resent a small bouquet of flowers, I think.

(Hint: any last minute arrangement can easily be vased and then deposited in the washroom, on the counter beside the sink. Everyone will remark on, ‘How lovely!’, and no need to worry about them clashing!)

31

I don’t. It might be read as an implied - and not very favourable - comment.

I’d say always ask “Thanks - should I bring a contribution to the feast?” To which the answer is usually “Just yourself(ves)”.

32

Because flowers are pretty, cheap compared to window treatments and artworks, portable and ultimately ephemeral.

33

You win. A pregnant stray cat is also good if the shelter is closed that day.

If the hosts’ tastes are especially eclectic you could even bring a live octopus in a fishbowl. :smiley:

34

Cool - we ARE in IMHO, anyway.

Just realize, it IS possible that your host might have an opinion that differs from yours. Hell,I don’t think I’d really “resent” someone bringing flowers, but I am likely to not welcome them either. Who are you aiming to please by bringing the gift - your host? Or you because you think it appropriate?

Also, there are all types of different gatherings. If I’m having 2-3 couples over for drinks and snacks, I really couldn’t care if anyone brings food/drinks/flowers/whatever. But if I’m hosting a formal dinner party, for which I’ve planned a menu, bought food and drink, cleaned and maybe decorated the house - please just bring yourselves. If you want to “give” me anything, how about a return invite?

BTW, my sister manages a flower shop. She regularly sends us nice arrangements before various holidays. My wife and I both garden enthusiastically, and during the season we almost always have cut flowers inside. So we aren’t exactly flower haters by any means. Also, since I do enjoy and feel strongly about plants and flowers, I’ll suggest that not every flower arrangement is “lovely” for every situation.

If you want to bring flowers (or food), why not make an offer in advance. It is not unusual for us to be straightening up and prepping food/drink up until right before folk arrive. When people come, we’re hanging up coats, providing food/drink. You might think it a minor thing to vase and position flowers right at that moment, but it might be just one more minor detail that we don’t really need or want to deal with.

How about a guest bringing music to play during the party? Or games to play? Sure, it might be nice to offer, but you might wish to do so beforehand, rather than just showing up with them and offering them in front of the host and other guests. The host might have different ideas as to how they wish the gathering to go.

If this all impresses you as uptight, fine. I’ve been called worse. Heck, invite me to your home, and I’ll enjoy whatever you want to do in terms of food, entertainment, etc. Or if you want me to bring something, just ask.

Yeah, an abused rescue animal is a winner. Don’t forget baby bunnies or chicks around Easter. Or puppies/kittens - especially if the hosts have small kids! :smiley:

35

The only vase I own holds my pencils and the washrooms happen to be the darkest rooms in the house.

It took me a while to understand the whole concept of “hostess gifts” for something as simple as a meal. The only time I’d been sent with something similar was a gift for my host family when I went to Ireland, and I was going to spend a month there (I told Dad the Lepanto would probably be wasted; sadly I was right). Eventually I learned how to detect people who would bring something even if I’d said not to, and that the best option was to ask for a specific thing.

36

Wine is a generally excellent gift, because it can easily be saved (unlike fresh food or flowers), or it can be offered (by the host recipient) as part of the present occasion. Sometimes you don’t know how many people will be there, or how much they’ll drink, and the extra bottle may be just what’s needed. If not, it will be for another time.

Naturally this doesn’t apply if the hosts do not drink. A guest should know this, or ask.

37

I have a friend who knows I love cookbooks, and she sometimes picks one up for me on her travels, and brings it as a hostess gift. I always really look forward to sitting down with it when the party is over!

Actually now that I think about it, this friend is quite clever about shopping while on travels, and she often shows up with interesting little things. Tea in a pretty little caddy that looks nice in my kitchen. Pink salt, I think that was from Hawaii. Cute ceramic topped wine stoppers from Portugal. I think she probably keeps a stash of nice little gifts like this and so is always prepared.

I don’t think that cookbooks imply the person can’t cook, or guest soaps imply that the person is dirty, or flowers or decorative items imply that the home needs decorative improvement. i think that attempts to please the hostess/host with a small gift of appreciation are typically taken in the spirit intended.

If someone doesn’t bring something, it doesn’t bother me, if I even thought about it I’d just assume that it wasn’t a social convention for the groups they typically hang out with. But I think it’s a fun little thing to do.

38

I think we should just do away with the notion that an invited guest need bring anything at all. Social events shouldn’t be treated as transactions in items of value.

39

And since octopuses (octopi?) are such great escape artists, a live octopus wandering around the place will really liven up any party!

40

I’m hosting a gathering soon, and my invites made it clear (I hope) that I’m taking care of the menu. I’ve never had anyone bring a hostess gift to any party I’ve held, and it doesn’t matter to me in the least. But I truly hope no one brings a side dish that either duplicates something I’ve planned or will be absolutely wrong with the meal. In fact, I don’t want anyone to bring anything.

We shall see how that goes.