I think we should do away with the idea that people giving each other things, particularly things they enjoy having or doing together, is a “transaction.”
We usually bring a bottle of wine. It can be drunk whenever.
As soon as you say that a guest is expected to bring something in return for being hosted, then you have made it into a transaction. There should be no expectation except that the guest will come to share company.
Miss Manners on hostess gifts:
"Despite the number of people who say they were brought up “never to appear empty-handed,” there are indeed circles in which this is not practiced.
It is not money that defines such people, but a sense of hospitality. While they may be pleased to receive an occasional bouquet or box of chocolates, they dislike what has come to seem like a barter system — a contribution in exchange for a meal. The truly essential bargain between host and guest requires the guest only to respond promptly, show up on time, socialize with other guests, thank the host, write additional thanks and reciprocate."
For me, a host gift is not a bartering piece or a transaction. It’s a gift picked out to demonstrate my thanks for the host going to the effort of having company over.
Yes, this. I just give the wine to people I know who actually drink it. When I go to parties, which are infrequent, I know the hosts well enough that I know what they would like.
Plants are great!
A roll of toilet paper. Because sooner or later, everyone ALWAYS needs toilet paper.
Yeah, but it’s not as much fun to share.
I agree.
This. On occasion we will have spoken with the host/ess and asked if we could bring anything specific and been given a suggestion ranging from type of wine to something like a dessert, or a fancy coffee or tea to brew or whatnot. I did bring a box of Godiva truffles to a party once =)
I think there are several separate traditions here that overlap a great deal.
In times and places where no one has much money and the food (and possibly booze) are a major expense/sacrifice, one shows up with something because it’s not practical to have get-togethers where the host pays for everything–no one would ever host anything. This is how it was in my social circle in college, and I suspect it was/is true for full-fledged adults in many other times and places. For this type of thing you bring a dish (or a 6-pack) or whatever and you expect it to be consumed right there.
You also have the genteel “hostess gift”, which I think is really only called for under fairly formal occasions–the first time you are invited over to someone’s house, or a real “dinner party” where they get the good china out. Once or twice I’ve been invited to a student’s house for dinner. That’s a formal occasion and I bring a gift. It’s a gift, not a thing for the party to use. But honestly, good-china dinner parties are a really small part of my social circle. I suppose there are places where they are still common.
Between the two, there’s a middle ground–things like neighborhood BBQs and impromptu gatherings of good friends. For that range of things, I think a gift is nice but I wouldn’t feel weird about not having one. This is the level where you call and ask if you should bring anything and you defer to the host’s wishes.
Then there is also the sort of situation where someone’s house is being used but they aren’t really “hosting”–like if you have 3-5 families who like to get together and one family’s house is far and away the most ideal–maybe it’s the only one in the center, or the only one big enough, or the only one that’s wheelchair accessible. It’s not sustainable for that one family to always be the “host”–for one thing, it’s nice to be able to share your cooking/provide for people and it feels bad to always take. It’s also nice to let someone else worry about the food. In those situations, you have to work out a system to rotate who is responsible for what.
I think this is another one of those things that depend on whose perspective we’re looking at it from and the slightly different definitions of “expect” don’t help things any. If a *host *expects a gift (in the sense of considering it required), it has become a transaction. If the guest expects to bring a gift (in the same sense), I don’t think it becomes a transaction. And if the host expects (in the sense of believing that it will probably happen) that some guests will bring gifts and makes sure that there is space to put them, I don’t think that makes it a transaction.
Thanks for the opinions. Hmm, very interesting - seems that these gifts fall somewhere between “benign clutter” and “passive-aggressive disruption”. So perhaps it is better to break the habit and NOT bring anything unless it’s requested.
I always ask. If it is a potluck, of course I’ll bring a thing (or two). If not, I know for example that I don’t drink alcohol or drink something that may not be the common stuff, so I ask if I can bring those things.
We entertain a LOT and people have brought all sorts of hostess gifts over the years–flowers, chocolates, soaps, cookies, nuts, plants, linens, fruit, perishable food, wine, olive oil, dishes etc etc etc. Never ONCE did I get irritated that someone brought us a gift, even if I didn’t love it!! Enlightening that others think differently!!
These all fall into “expectation,” in my view:
(1) If a host thinks less of a guest for failing to bring something
(2) If a guest thinks less of himself or herself if he or she fails to bring something
(3) If a third party thinks less of a guest for failing to bring something
In all of those cases, someone is making the arrangement into a transaction by putting on the guest an expectation that an invitation should be met with a gift.
Look, everybody who is not a weird robot has expectations of themselves and of others in social situations. If the objective is for everybody to have a good time, we naturally expect behavior that is conducive to that, and not the reverse. People will think a little better of you if you contribute to the group’s happiness, and worse if you ruin it. So there’s nothing wrong or even slightly unusual about mutual expectations–the question is just whether a specific expectation, in a particular role, is reasonable or helpful.
As a guest, I find it conducive to present and future group happiness to bring my hosts a gift when I can, ideally something that can be used either immediately or not. I’m not buying a ticket to the event, I’m doing something nice for a friend, enjoyable in itself, and I’m possibly adding to their ability to put on a swell evening for everyone.
I usually bring a nice bottle of wine, but given some responses here I might change that to Ben & Jerry’s or Haagen-Dazs. Had to look up that spelling.
I wouldn’t take these responses as indicative of the attitudes you’d get with a sampling of the general population.
Yes. Some homes I go to, though, I’m not sure they enjoy wine. Of course that can be said of ice cream too.
A small box of chocolates like Cadbury’s Roses is a popular social event gift in this part of the world, alongside traditional favourites like a bottle of wine or a six-pack of good quality (but not wanky) beer.