I’ve been seeing a woman for a few months now. She’s originally from Thailand, and has lived here for about 10 years. She’s interesting, intelligent, witty and absolutely gorgeous. She’s also sometimes difficult to read and frustratingly slow to develop a relationship with. Ordinarily, a relationship that hits the 3 month mark without any form of physical affection beyond a goodbye hug would have me calling it quits - but I am very attracted to her, greatly enjoy our time together, and am utterly ignorant as to the cultural differences that may be the cause of this. We see each other 3-4 times a week, anything from coffee after work, to a day in the park walking our dogs, to dinner and a movie. We’ve expressed how much we enjoy spending time together, contact each other regularly - it’s clear I’m not just a friend to her. She appreciates me being honest with her - but this is something I’d rather not bring up directly with her on the chance that it may be treading on some cultural tradition I’m simply not aware of.
So is there anyone out there with any experience dating Thai women (or someone who’s spent a good deal of time in Thailand or with similar cultures) that could offer me any insight? There’s nothing urgent about it - despite denying the instincts of my Western horndog background wondering what the hell is going on.
Yeah, that caused some concern - her family is still in Bangkok. But we actually talked a bit at length about it, and she later revealed she’d never have opened up like that with someone else.
I am absolutely positively sure that I have no idea whatsoever. I have expressly used the term “date” for any of our activities, she’s used the phrase “maybe that’s [lack of free time] why I wasn’t able to date people in the past like I can now”, and we’ve each expressed a desire to see even more of each other. But no - I cannot rule that out.
I went in for a kiss last week, but she shied away. Over text message she said she wasn’t sure how to react in public. And like I said - she’s extremely hard to read, so I’m going to hold off until I hear from some “experts”.
Sorry man. I could be completely off base, of course, but I really don’t think this is a “cultural difference”. Have you straight up asked her what she’s thinking/feeling? It sounds to me like when she finds someone she wants to date romantically, you’ll be the guy friend she’s complaining about her boyfriend to. Talk to her. That’s really the only way to know.
Maybe - it’s certainly a possibility. I’m usually extremely good at both recognizing the onset of and avoiding the friend zone (I’m not the typical friend zone kinda guy). However, I think it’s just extreme shyness. She’s pretty reserved, and has commented that being around me makes her much more outgoing (which cracks me up thinking how shy that makes her normally). I’ve jokingly called her out for flirting with me, and she’s 'fessed up to it. The chance if it just being friends is certainly there, but it’s (IMO) much closer to 0 than what’s being hinted at here.
She may be the type of person whose personal values and/or religious beliefs dictate a greater degree of commitment prior to establishing physical intimacy. The only way to figure this out for sure would be to ask her.
I know she’s not religious at all. Her parents/family are pretty casual Buddhists, she’s non-practicing. She mentioned something odd today - she was flabbergasted that there are people in my group of friends who date, and was dumbstruck that several of them have paired off to get married.
Asking her directly is next on the list - I just wanted to check in here to see if there was someone who knows anything more concrete. For instance, if Siam Sam comes in and says, “traditional Thai women simply just don’t give it up until you donate three oxen to her family - this is completely common knowledge, how the hell don’t you know this?!?” that would be good information to get before I go bring the subject up.
Shyness isn’t out of the question from what you’ve described. I’m shy, my husband’s shy; things moved much slower than what you’re talking about. I’ve allowed myself to be pushed by cultural standards to go faster, but I think the relationships suffered.
Talk to her. If she’s going to be offended about you treading on a cultural taboo because you say you’d like to kiss her, the relationship ain’t gonna work out anyway.
Seriously folks - this isn’t overanalyzation time. This is just a simple question of “is anyone aware of any specific cultural differences that would help me out in this situation before I proceed as normal?”
If she isn’t sure how to react in public, why haven’t you tried making a move in private?
It sounds to me like you’re in the friend zone. The last two months you’ve spent with her, connecting emotionally and intellectually, spending more and more time together? You’ve been cementing your position as a platonic friend.
I could be wrong and I hope I’m wrong. But she’s lived here for ten years. She isn’t religious. With any other girl it’d be obvious you’re in the friend zone. I don’t see why it isn’t obvious with her.
