I am feeling murderous rage (seriously)

The BBQ Pit
1

Hi. I am opening this thread here in the pit because I want to vent against the world in general and against one person in particular who is not in any way related to the board (at least I don’t think so). If some moderator thinks that this thread does not belong in the pit, please feel free to change its location.

Right now I am feeling, all at the same time, impotent, furious, betrayed, wanting to cry, scream and murder a certain someone with extreme prejudice.

Although I am Spanish, I have been living abroad for many years (right now I live in the Netherlands). But I have a great many close friends in Spain, whom I keep in touch with as much as I can. I care very much for them.

Yesterday I got news that left me speechless. It was like lightning out of a clear blue sky. One of my closest friends, an excellent young woman, good-hearted, nice as nice can be and extremely bright (seriously, she is a certifiable beyond-genius)… OK. I was told by a reliable source that she had been raped.

Not only that. She had been raped and she had had to spend 2 weeks in hospital.

Not only that. She had been raped by someone who knew her.

Not only that. The guy who did it was someone I knew as well.

I was beyond FURIOUS. I ascertained that the rapist had got involved with her somehow (she is almost painfully shy, and has led a rather sheltered life). I learned that he became some kind of “boyfriend” with her, winning her trust.

I learned that he tried to get overly intimate with her at some point, she refused because she didn’t feel ready, and he forced himself on her very violently. On top of being raped, on top of the psychological harm, he beat her.

I feel atrociously guilty because I thought I knew that guy, I thought that guy was my friend, and I introduced them to each other some months ago. I feel responsible to an extent for what has happened to her.

I checked the story. It was true. Police had been notified, declaration had been made, evidence had been gathered, the bastard is in custody.

I am tremendously tempted to ask some friends I have in the police over there and see whether the son of a bitch might not stumble and fall a couple of flights of stairs while they transfer him from one cell to another.

What can I do for my friend, now? She knows I am there for her. I cannot even begin to imagine what she must be going through. I will try to arrange a visit to Spain ASAP to see her and let her know that I support her. Any concrete advice on how to help someone close who has had to pass through such an ordeal?

And, so help me, I am finding it tremendously hard to stop myself from going there and making the creep wish that he had never been born. I am afraid he would not be wishing that for long.

I have never felt so angry in my whole life. I have never felt so impotent in my whole life. I have never felt so sad.

2

Fuck. Whatever you do, DO NOT do anything stupid that involves people. You already know that, but I think you need somebody to have somebody else remind you. Impotent rage sucks, but if you have to hit something punch a hole in the wall of your living room, kick your back yard fence down, kick the crap out of the chair you never really liked.

You are in an understandable rage. I’ve been there. Stay home.

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR PLACE

3

I’m tired and I tripped over my own words. Vent here and punch a whole in the wall. Patching a whole in the wall a few days later will teach you an odd lesson about impotent rage. I can’t explain that lesson in words, but if you do it you will learn it.

4

When I was a lot younger it took a few days in jail to teach me that rage is always going to hurt the person having it as much as their target.

Venting here is good, scream all you want, maybe run til you drop, but don’t act on the rage you feel.

5

I second everything everyone has said. Also, if that had happened to my friend by another ‘friend’, I’d feel exactly how you do.

I will add that IF he gets out of this, remember that revenge is a dish best served cold.

6

The harm is done. Beating this asshole to a pulp will not undo it. What you can do now is be there for your friend, who will surely need many shoulders to cry on.

7

Monkey is right. In your present mood, I’d say you don’t dare go there. Let the law handle it.

8

JoseB, if you’re stuck in jail you will not be able to be there for your friend. The best thing you can do is let the law handle this.

9

I know what it is to discover the horrific side of a sociopath, and learn that he has done permanent harm to someone who is dear to you.

Pushups. Lots of pushups. Pushups 'til you can’t get off the living room floor until you’ve calmed down enough to avoid committing a crime yourself.

Do not allow his wrongs to become your prison sentence.

Then think about how to help. Above all do not come across as pushy or romantic in any way. Send her a bouquet of daisies in the hospital. Send her a note telling her how horrified you are and that your are praying for her. Remind her of her good points, and compliment her mind, her spirit, anything but the physical for now.

If you talk to her in person, reassure her that this is in no way her fault. Hug her innocently and very gently, and break away immediately if she moves.

Allow yourself ten minutes each day to imagine bashing his head against the sidewalk until his eyeballs pop out and grey matter spills out. Set a timer. Put your mind on other things the rest of the day. If it pops into your head, promise yourself you’ll think about it during tomorrow’s ten minutes.

Make a decision in advance about what you will think about instead, and willfully replace those thoguhts when they come up. Do not allow negative thoughts to become a habit, or to intrude without your consent. It will require great self-discipline, but the results can be very bad if you don’t make the effort.

This is one of those moments in life when you just have to let time go by. It will get easier, and eventually you will be calm enough to be a positive in this scenario. Do not add gult over your prison sentence to the burden she is carrying.

In the long run, you may find, as I have, that you will have great difficulty in trusting anyone. It is extremely shocking to learn just how wrong we can be about someone. If I ever find an answer to this one, I’ll let you know.

10

In fact, beating the asshole to a pulp might actually make things worse for her. Victim guilt and all.

My suggestion is to do some reading at www.rainn.org. Here’s a section on how to support someone who has been raped, so you don’t stick your foot in your mouth and make the damage worse.

11

Thanks to all of you for your comment and advice.

I am trying to keep as calm as I can. FWIW, I did the “punch a wall” thing earlier. TruCelt, I will heed your advice and will go to a gym in a while to try and exhaust myself.

I also feel awfully betrayed.

And horrendously guilty. If I had not introduced them… This wouldn’t have happened. Or it would have had less chances of happening.

I feel very weird. Furious and, at the same time, guilty and shitty all over.

12

Well, whatever you do, JoseB, please do not express those same sentiments to your victim friend. One thing she probably doesn’t need is for you to lay your guilt and betrayal at her doorstep. She’s got enough of her own shit to deal with. Same goes for expressing how you feel. Better yet to listen quietly and calmly as possible if and when she talks to you about how she feels.

I understand this makes you feel like shit. Nobody wants to know about a friend having been hurt. But your feelings of anger, guilt, and betrayal could make her feel worse. If I were the victim (and I have been, but my situation was very different), I would feel like your anger and betrayal is my fault because I told you about the situation. This is a very fucked up situation for her, so please continue posting your feelings here so that you can just be a good support/good listener/good friend to her when you get the chance.

And try not to blame yourself. It wasn’t your fault. Had you known your guy friend was capable of this sort of heinous violence, you’d have never introduced them, right? So the situation was and is out of your control. You do not have a crystal ball, and if you do, it obviously does not work very well.

Please go to the RAINN site I linked above and work out your own feelings before you talk to your friend. (What I hated hearing more than anything from a guy I told about my own abuse was his anger at the perpetrator. I was glad when someone is outraged, but that rage didn’t help me at all and just made me feel guilty that I was the source of the negative feelings. Not healing. Not helpful.)

13

I absolutely agree with this. RAINN is an excellent organization.

If you would do something to physically harm this person it could scare your friend. What she needs now is a gentle and calm friend to talk to when she feels like it. This person destroyed her trust with his violence and wrongs, don’t make her witness more violence.

Thinking of her, you, and her family

14

Just like being raped isn’t the victim’s fault, having introduced them doesn’t mean that it’s in any way your fault. The whole fault lies with the rapist.

Hang in there.

15

I think telling her about your feelings of betrayal would be a good thing. She is probably feeling the same, and may be concerned that you won’t believe her, or will be “on his side.” Let her know that you are shocked and would never have knowingly put her in harm’s way.

Be prepared for her to be angry with you. Don’t be defensive, just repeat “I didn’t know he was like this; I am so sorry; I would never have knowingly put you in harms way.” Or something similar.

16

I agree with this, though I’d keep it very short. Just apologize once and make the apology as short and direct as possible. Having been the person raped, I made the mistake of telling my mother about it. It took me an hour to calm her down and get her to stop crying. Don’t make your friend have to calm you down. She needs your calm, unwavering support more than anything, not to comfort you.

17

I spent about a month enraged, if not quite murderously.

My advice probably sucks. Do avoid rash actions however.

18

All good advice in here. Seeing the rage in people you love is not great for a rape victim who’s healing (physically and/or emotionally). Chances are she is going to be dealing with issues of control for quite a while, and seeing the situation out of her hands yet again will not help. And as others have pointed out, just introducing them does not make you at fault. Most rapes happen to women who know their attackers, so chances are at least one other person was ‘responsible’ for introducing them, at some point.

You are ‘lucky’ in that it sounds like everything that could happen to help your friend has. She’s getting medical help, she could identify her attacker, and she was believed. Not sure how the legal system works in Spain re. rape, but she may be looking at years of testifying against him and re-telling her story. She will need support, and not the rage-y kind. The kind that can just be there, and pretend to forget about the whole thing when she needs it and understand when she doesn’t.

19

Ditto on this. When you’ve been attacked, you’re sensitized to violence, so righteous rage on your behalf is scary rather than comforting.

My brother’s been where you are, and the advice here echoes my mom: You going to jail for assault is not going to make her feel better.

Take care, and keep us posted (hopefully outside the Pit).

20

JoseB, I hurt for you as well as the young woman.

You cannot expect of yourself the ability to see the future or read another’s mind. Learning to forgive yourself is a lesson you must learn and this is the time. No one is to blame except the young man.

You know the young woman may be blaming herself too. Help her to direct her anger in the right direction. Help her to see that she is still lovable and beautiful.

Are you able to talk to her by phone or in a letter? And maybe you can send her some of the music that you love that is very healing.

Take care of yourself, Jose. She is going to survive this. And you mustn’t let your hatred overwhelm you. Run it out. Cry it out. Grow stronger.

Let me know if you need to talk more.