My roommate’s little sister is sleeping on my pullout. This is because the guy she went out with felt that sexual assault is a great way to end a date. By some miracle she managed to get him off her before he was done and made a run for it, throwing herself in her car and driving here. Her brother (who is training to be a cop) called the police and took her to the hospital. In the mean time, the guy texted her TWENTY times, asking if she’s okay, where she is, etc. He wouldn’t pick up when the cops tried calling him from her phone, though. The cops don’t want her to go home right now-- and neither does her brother.
I haven’t been to bed yet, she just got back from the hospital, and we put her to bed. Her brother and I talked a while. She is convinced that she is somehow responsible for this-- her brother is so worried about her we discussed how to make sure she can’t find his gun. He talked about how every year since their mother died, some disaster has befallen them, and wanted to know when God would stop spitting on them. I didn’t know what to say. He went to bed-- probably with the Sig under his pillow. She’s on the couchbed, wrapped around the dog and uncomplainingly letting the cats pile on her. I’m sitting up in my room now, so angry and sick that this scumbag is walking around out there, sharing my air. I can’t sleep, and while I feel I ought to be spewing profanity mostly I just feel nauseous.
WHAT is wrong with people? What is wrong with these men? It makes me so fucking angry. It could be me. It could be my little sister. I could be my best friend. And, oops, the guy you though was nice turns out to be once of those motherfucking cocksuckers who thinks he can take whatever the fuck he wants whenever the fuck he wants just because he wants it.
God fucking damn it. I don’t feel any better at all.
That’s awful. What isn’t awful is that she had people to whom she could turn (her brother and you). She has love and support, which, in many ways, is the most important thing of all. Best of luck, and I hope that she ends up being able to separate herself from this guy.
Guys like that understand “stop” and “no” just fine. They don’t care. As a woman who’s been through similar, I suspect she will be dealing with the aftermath of this for a very long time, and once she’s strong enough to handle it, therapy will be both very traumatic and very beneficial.
Your roomates sister sounds like she’s lucky to have such good support from her friends and family. Good for you for doing all you can to help her out in a tough situation.
At least she has you and her brother to support and look after her. That’s no small thing. My heart goes out to her. What she needs right now is to feel safe, which seems to be well in hand, and to talk to someone. The larger tragedy would be if she moved forward believeing that she, and not that piece of scum that assaulted her, is responsible.
Obsidian, perhaps you might have her initially contact a rape crisis center; they would have someone who could be an additional support. It does sound like her big brother and you are doing a great job right now, though; I’m glad she has you guys.
I hope she’s able to recover from this whole thing. It really and truly is NOT her fault in any way, shape, or form.
Having been in that position myself, and I can only speak from my POV, what hurt the most was the realization that I couldn’t protect myself. No matter how feisty or adamant - most women simply don’t have the strength to fight a man off and that is a really, truly fucking scary and saddening realization.
After talking with those who know so much better than I what steps can be taken to emotionally recover - she might want to learn some simple and effective self defense.
As for God spitting and all that - I can only say that I’ve learned over time that life isn’t fair; life is just life . . . the good, bad and ugly. I’m glad she has you and her brother to help her feel safe right now.
Well, I’m very sorry to hear about that. Most liekly, the guy in question convinced himself that “she wanted it.” That’s the mentality some of them get to. It lets them take themselves of the hook and blame the victim. “She wore provocative clothing” and all that rubbish. Talk to a policeman ASAP, but perhaps after the rape counciller.
Man, I know I should sympathetic, but it weren’t God who almost raped his sister.
Sorry. I’m just a huge fan of the Book of Job. I’ll back out now. Please don’t flame me.
Show your roommate this post if he’ll be cool with the idea of us knowing about this. Otherwise convey these ideas to him: Get her to a crisis counselor! She needs help, she needs to articulate her guilt, and beat it back and tell it “No, you’re wrong!” Those feelings can really domino if she doesn’t get help to cope with them. She needs to talk about them, and find out why she feels that why, and why it isn’t so. She needs to be able to get these feelings out of her, so they don’t take root. Get her to a counselor who specializes in these situations, now. Go yourself to a counselor who deals with these things, or go with her so you can help her heal from this. You’re going to need to know how to help her regain her self worth, and maintain the idea that she can say “No!” again. I’m sending healing thoughts your way, including all of you and her family and friends. I’ll say some prayers.
I’m a girl, actually, but I appreciate the sentiment. (I know, if the roommate is a guy, it’s logical i would be too). I think having women around in this situation is good, though. Her brother didn’t understand why I insisted on waiting up for them with a pot of tea, why I locked all the doors and windows in front of her. He was really surprised as to why I curtained off the livingroom so the space wouldn’t feel so big and empty. Being a very large man, it’s hard for him to understand how much fear empty parking lots and ground-floor windows can generate.
Thank you for your kind wishes. I think she’s lucky in that her brother is training to be a cop. A lot of people would respond with anger, or with letting her curl up and sob. He did the best thing possible, which was to say, “Hospital, right now.”
My roommate and his sister just went back out, so she can go ID the guy. Apparently he was just picked up. (Yay for the San Mateo PD)
My roommate was saying to me that he thinks she’s mad at him because he’s not angry enough. He’s a big, menacing looking guy and you’d think he’d be the type to freak out, but he’s not. He’s measured and doesn’t have much of a temper at all. I think this will be good traits in his chosen line of work, and I told him that I think he reacting in the best way possible, and that her emotions are going to be all over the place right now. Dealing with the cops does feel invasive to her, and she’d rather have a bath right now, but she’s going to sleep so much better tonight when she realizes that there is no way he can get to her, as he’ll be in jail.
The next step is for her to muster the courage to ID him in a line up and testify in court. It’s very scary. And as awful as the situation is, she is lucky it did not go further. I’ll send positive energy your way to share with her.
I fucking hate that this happens. It makes me so mad. I can think of few things that can consistently make me this mad.
It’s just so violating and shows such a lack of respect for the person (and, by extension, all people).
As a man I feel terrible (and angry) that there are men who would do this.
I am so glad that you and your roomate are providing her with good support, Obsidian, I would hate to think what it would be like without this support.
All I have to say is that the average non-psycho pushy shovey wanna be rapist is remarkably disinclined to continue his antics with a knife sticking in his neck or ear, or with a thumb jammed into his eye up to the palm. A Leatherman tool with pliers can be employed to remarkable effect on just about anything it can get a hold on. I once bit a guy’s fingers to the bone, got one hand clamped around his trachea and the other around his balls and stretched him out until he submitted and I got loose. Ran like hell, picked skin outta my teeth for hours and vomited considerably, but I didn’t get what he intended to give me, and I’m just fine with that. Bet he talked funny for a week and the balls were looking pretty sad after I got done twisting them with my fairly long fingernails embedded in the top of the scrotal sac.
And yeah, I know the canon that it’s better to submit than to die. My response is that personally I don’t agree with that philosophy, and if that’s how I go I’m taking some pieces with me as trophies. Fucker gonna have a tough time shoving it into some other woman if I have it in my pocket.
That is my theory, grap, twist, and pull like hell.
With my job I carry around a Gerber which opens the pliers with a flick. It sounds remarkably like a knife, and if that doesn’t deter him, then I can easily pull out the knife with one hand too. The other good thing with my job is that I wear steel toe shoes most of the time. Not something they want flying between their legs.
