Anyone else in love with an incest survivor?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

… I am in love with a wonderful woman. She is my treasure and my joy. We are planning to be married at my Unitarian church in 2002. Some days her beauty takes my breath away.
And sometimes looking at her fills me with rage.
Her stepfather raped her from the time she was 8 until she was 19. He would steal her most prized possessions and then make her “trade” for them. After the first eight years, she was so damaged that she would initiate contact with him when she got home from school, so that she could sleep that whole night without waking up to him molesting her. ::stomach feels queasy already::
She told her mother, the counselor at school, and her boyfriends, but they either didn’t believe her, or felt powerless to help. Her mother told her that she was making this up because she liked Madonna too much (whatever). She was using her allowance to buy locks for her bedroom door (he’s a builder, and always found a way to get around them) and constantly running away, but her mother never got a clue. She still doesn’t believe her own daughter.

Anyway… knowing all of this fills me with rage. I can read about worse things than this on the news and in trashy paperbacks, but it hits so close to home, because she is my precious love. I wish more than anything that I could have protected her, that I had known her then, because I would have believed her. I would have known where she could have gone for help. I could have stopped it all before eleven years had passed and she ended it by finally getting out of that house.

Are there any other people like me who are trying their best to support someone who suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and flashbacks?
Who don’t know what to do with their anger? Where to direct it or how to stop it?

Please… if anyone has coping stratgies, let me know.

2

Sweet_Lotus,

I’ll have my husband , the LIONsob respond to you when he gets up this afternoon, or when he gets home from work in the morning.

But being a survivor of incest by my own father and my mom’s father, I can tell you to be gentle with her, and if she has a flash during sex, and asks you to stop. Then stop right that second. I know it isn’t easy to stop when things are getting good. But trust me you stopping and not being angry with her because of it will help her alot.

I can’t tell you how often I’ve had to ask LIONsob to stop. He always has, and he has always held me when I cry.

She will learn she can trust you. That is very important to people who have been through it.

Don’t push her to talk, but when/if she wants to talk, listen to her. Just listen. Let her get it out.

If step-dad is still in the picture he needs to know that others are aware of what he did and that if he ever trys it with anyone else everything will come out in a court room. He has to know he can’t get away with this ever again !! Most perverts like this have more than one victim. Someone has to protect the younger ones from him.

And tell her if she needs a friend I am only an email away.

3

My second wife was, at least once in her teen years. She was one of the lucky ones though, in that it only happened once.

Every time I read of something like this happening, to ANY woman, it makes my blood boil. It is even worse when it happens to an 8 year old girl, and continues for years. My own personal opinion is that any man that does this should be hung up by the balls until they fall off and then they should cut off his dick with an extremely dull butter knife!!! VERY SLOWLY !!!

There is absolutely no excuse for this kind of shit. I have been divorced for 12 years and have not had “any” for at least that long and I would NEVER consider raping a grown woman, let alone a child. I could never get that bad off. I think that anybody that does do that kind of thing needs some serious help, behind locked doors in a mental ward.

All that said, The absolute BEST thing that you can do for your girlfriend is to be there for her and LOVE her. Love her with all your heart. And like Ayesha said, be gentle with her. It may take awhile, but she will come learn to put it all behind her, insofar as is humanly possible. Love is a very powerful thing and it can move mountains.
Take care.

P.S. If that S.O.B. is still around, go kick him in the nuts for me.

4

The rage you feel is in danger of making you into a victim too if you let it take control.

Both of you need to see someone.

We have victim awareness courses to try retrain prisoners in our jail.When we were given a presentation by the staff who run the course - it was an eye-opener.

Intro went “Which of you is a victim of a sex-crime?”

No replies

At the end of the presentation the question was asked again and more than a few hands were raised, most were men.

A victim is anyone concerned who is adversely affected by an offence, victims are not always the ones directly offended against.

5

But that’s the worst part. Since she has flashbacks, it’s as though it is still happening to her, ten years after she got away.
She can’t even talk about it without going into a trancelike state and doing what looks like dozing off. She twitches and whimpers and shudders, sometimes for hours. It is terrifying. It’s as though she’ll never escape.

6

I’m going to move this for MPSIMS as you’ll probably benefit from the community there, SL.

But I will also add a bit of personal experience here. I have been involved with incest surviors and rape survivors in the past. It’s great that you are supportive and nonjudgemental, especially considering that her past is full of people who didn’t believe her.

But I want to repeat was casdave said. You should both see someone. At the very least she should. In some ways it’s like a physical trauma. Support from a loved one is helps a lot, but in order for her to really start on the road to recovery an expert in this field should be brought in. Being part of a community that can truly empathize with her experiences would help a great deal. There are many people and organizations who specialize in this kind of trauma. Let them help. Don’t let yourself feel like you’re the only one who can help. That can create a lot of stress.

Good luck.

7

You never do completely escape.

I love my SO more than I ever thought I could love anyone. And, I trust him more than anyone. And even though it’s been more than 11 years since I last laid eyes on my attacker - I still have those times where I freeze up.

My SO is so wonderful about it. If I need him to stop, I barely have the word out before he’s stopped and has me snuggled up to him. He has never once made me feel guilty (I always feel guilty anyway). In fact, he gets upset because I feel guilty. (Of course, it’s probably easy to stop - who wants to make love to someone who is crying?). Other times I don’t ask him, I just try to ride out the feeling. Somehow he always seems to know - he pretends not to notice, but he - well I can’t really explain it well, but there is a difference - like he’s really paying attention and treating me very gingerly.

My sweet, loving, ex-husband, OTOH, used to say, “Oh, just get over it already. It happened years ago. Exactly how long are you planning on letting this effect you?”
I used to have terrible fits of rage. Some days I would be shaking on the way home from the rage being bottled up and the minute I’d get there, I would just start screaming and throwing things and pounding on the bed, like I was a crazy person (used to scare the hell out of the dog). I couldn’t have stopped if you paid me. Looking back, I’m not even sure how I had the strength to always make it home before it started. I really feel that the rage came on because - well, it was the man my Mother dated right after she and my Dad split up. He used to tell me that I was living with my Mom because my Dad didn’t want me. And, that my Mom didn’t really want me either, but that she got stuck with me in the separation agreement. I still remember the speech word for word, “Why would a beautiful 31 year old woman like your Mother want to be stuck with a kid when she could be out having fun? She’s just looking for a reason to get rid of you. So, if you tell her, I’ll deny it. She’ll believe me, because she loves me, not you. And, then she’ll send you away to be alone at an orphanage because you are a liar.” This was really compelling to an 11 year old whose whole world was coming apart in her parent’s divorce. I heard that speech quite often in the seven years this went on. It was bad enough that he did what he did - but, I already felt like I wasn’t wanted because of the divorce. How could anyone do that to a child?

Come to think of it, I haven’t had one of those attacks since I started dating my SO.
Absolutely go see someone. BOTH of you. It’ll be hard for her. No matter how long it’s been it’s always hard to talk about. It’s embarrasing, it’s upsetting, and even after you grow up and realize in your mind that it was in no way your fault - you still feel shame in your heart. And, I don’t think the words have yet been invented that can properly express how you feel when something like this has happened to you. (I don’t mean to imply that everyone who has been through this feels this way - but I sure do).

She’s very lucky to have someone like you. Someone who loves her so much. Just keep doing what you’re doing, being supportive and sweet and caring - there’s not much else you can do. But definately see someone. I feel for both of you.

If your girlfriend ever feels the need to talk to someone who has been there - please feel free to give her my email address - my addy is in my profile. Sometimes talking it out with someone who understands because they’ve been there can help you through a bad spot - I know it helped me at times.

Sorry that this post is so long.
Damn, now I’m crying.

8

{{{{{{minxmom}}}}}} Are you sure you aren’t me ? That rage sounds just like I used to be.

9

{{{{Ayesha}}}}
I’m sorry that you had to go through that. I just wish there was some way to ensure that no one else ever has to ever experience the horror of that rage and pain ever again (or the torture that causes it). However, I’m sort of glad to know that I’m not the only one. I really did start to doubt my sanity for a while there.

10

I think “go see someone” is putting it a little lightly, especially in the OP’s case, where she was raped for a period of years. IMHO, that’s worse than murder. She needs years of psychotherapy to be even close to normal.

I knew someone who was molested for a period of over ten years by her father. She cried for three hours a day, every day (really). She cut herself, drank a lot, did tons of cocaine, and attempted suicide three times. She told me she liked the feeling of her body going cold, nearing death as her blood poured to the floor.

You’d never know she felt this way if you weren’t close to her. The facade she used to cover the pain was inpenetrable. Eventually she dumped me because she found out that I had a discussion with a mutual friend about whether or not she was bipolar (Later I learned that she eventually was diagnosed bipolar). That was all it took to send me packing. Since her father f-ed her over so bad, she grew up with an incredibly warped sense of trust. You do one little tiny thing she doesn’t approve of and you’re history.

Before her, I didn’t know anything about sexual abuse. I read a few books on the subject at her request and I was simply floored by how devastating and all-encompassing this kind of experience can be to a person.
The girl I knew was such a sad, sad story. I wonder if she’s even still alive. I still cry about her sometimes and wonder how people can be so f’ing cruel. Her dad had raped some 10 or 15 little girls and as far as I know, he’s still a free man. Her two sisters got the same treatment she did. Last I heard, one was a prostitute and the other was a junkie. I’m not a violent person by any means, but if I ever met that man, I’d tear his head off.

And hey, if any of y’all have any extra money, do these poor girls (and boys) a favor and donate it to RAINN, the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network.

11

You all have reinforced by career decision and made me more pationate about it. Before the Police Academy, I figured I would be some bad ass Vice cop. You know, the kind that busts all the druggies and prostitutes and all that fun stuff. And fun it is!!
But in the academy one of the instructors was a retired Persons Crimes (Rape, Homocide, Child Abuse) Detective. Listening to him and going through his scrap books and things changed my future. He quickly became my hero! The things he has done, the people he has helped, and the lives he has effected are amazing. I hope that when I retire, I will be able to say I have done things he has.

I hope to spend at least 20 years chasing down these abusive monsters. Until now, I have never had a personal experience shared with me. I only imagined before what the effects of such an act could be. Reading your posts, I realize that it is even worse a crime than I thought.

When I finally reach that point in my life, when I am preventing these monsters from touching their children, or any one else’s again, or stopping them before it starts, I know I will be stopping a life time of suffering.

I hope I can save the children in time!!
Wish me luck!!

12

From the very bottom of my heart I wish you luck, Bear. I couldn’t think of a more noble way to spend a career.

Go get them.
Lock them up.
And throw away the key while you’re at it.

13

:: shaking head in disbelief ::

My goodness. You hear about this sort of thing all the time, but reading your stories like this makes me SO fucking mad. This is just terrible, and more terrible than I could ever have imagined. I have no personal experiences to share, neither do I really know people that have been molested. I just wanted you all to know that this thread has really opened my eyes to just how destructive sexual abuse can be.

It makes me wanna rip ALL their heads off. Someone said it was worse than murder. It very well might be.

14

Coldfire - it is worse than murder. The victims of murder are out of their pain. These kinds of victims are sentenced to it.

15

I don’t have any personal experiences with this kind of thing, so have never really thought much about it. But, reading the OP about made me sick. I do have a friend who works for a free counseling group(can’t remember their name) who I can talk to. I do know she works with these kinds of cases and may be able to suggest some place for you to go.

16

Wow! I just read a rather alarming statistic at crimelibrary.com :

Can you imagine? 150 kids…

The worst part about this crime is the people that don’t believe the victims of this, as Sweet_Lotus referred to in the OP. This happens far, far more often than you’d think. It seems to be a recurring theme in these cases. I mean what the hell is wrong with people? Why would a kid make something like that up? To me, these people aren’t much better than the molesters themselves. If the first kid to get molested tells somebody and action is pursued, you’ve saved 149 kids from getting raped!

I mean DAMN, who are these people? Somebody works up all their courage to tell you a horrible secret like this, and you call them a liar? I really think these people should be prosecuted for negilgence.

17

My Sister-In-Law was molested by her step father. I think she was about 7 or 8. I am not sure of all the details as my wife has only told me the basics and I did not want to know everything.

Apparently she told either her mom or her dad or maybe both and it went so far as to having a trial, but he was not convicted, not sure why. But my mother-in-law stayed married to him for several more years (like 10) before she finally divorced him. My sister-in-law was in therapy for quite some time. She went at him with a butcher knife at some point before I met her.

I have never understood what went on and why her mom stayed with him. Her father blames my wife (his adopted daughter) for not doing something about it (she was 13 at the time, what could she do, she likely did not even know what was going on). I think the fact that her mom did not get rid of the guy sooner has caused a lot of grief between them over the years.

I wanted to kick his teeth in, but I never had a good reason to (other than him molesting my sister-in-law). Suprisingly he never molested the older one (my wife) or the younger one.

I was never touched inappropriately (that I recall) but as a boy, I was encouraged by my uncle (10 years older than I, so probably while he was in high school) to suck him. He made it a game showing me how white stuff would appear if I did so. He never really threatened me, but he did kind of intimidate me. I thought it was a game, but I guess he told me not to tell others about our game.

I do not feel rage toward him and I can be civil to him, but I struggle with the occasional thoughts of the events and what if anything to do about them. He was on drugs at the time and likely did not know completely what he was doing. As far as I know, he never did it to any other children. I have never told my parents as I do not want to cause strife in the family. I have also never told my wife, because I do not want to cause her to have to decide how to handle it. All I know is that I will never do such to my children or any other children and that I am very protective of my daughters and I will not leave them alone with someone I do not trust completely (that goes for most any man except my father).

In fact, this thread is the first place I have ever told anyone about this having happened.

Jeffery

18

One of my nieces was molested by her dad’s brother-in-law. She was too scared to tell her parents, so she told one of my other nieces, a cousin. That niece told her mom, and they contacted the cops. When they called the cops the woman with whom they spoke was amazed that they’d initiate criminal proceedings. Apparently very few people do. As the investigation proceeded they found that the guy had molested all but two of his daughters (the oldest had told her mom & had been kicked out of the house for it) plus neighbor girls. He’d been doing this for over a decade with his wife turning a blind eye. And he was stopped. By a ten year old with incredible courage.

StG

19

One thing that sickens me is how easily people are willing to forgive those who are either the ones that did the hideous act, or stood by and closed their eyes and denied that it was happening, or ever happened. My SO was abused in this way by some relatives, and I was the ONLY one who had the guts to face them down and tell them to “get the fuck away from her”. You wanna see ol’ Una get MAD? You should have heard me when my SO’s brother wanted to “drop by” last time. I told him he better call a hearse, cause I was gonig to shoot him when he got on the property. And I loaded up the Mini-14 and sat by the front door in my chair that whole night, waiting.

I’ve sufficiently scared off all the people who had anything to do with the harm, or that stood by and did nothing. If your lady’s mother refuses to believe the atrocities she went through, then EXCOMMUNICATE her from your lives. Period. No forgiveness, EVER! Fuck this makes me mad! I shouldn’t have even posted.

And as you can tell, my only channel for my rage was in directing it on her relatives. And you know what? It felt, and feels, GOOD. It’s the only way you can deal with it constructively - these people need to have someone in their face, up front, telling them what scum they are. And it doesn’t fucking matter if it’s dreg-of-society brother or sweet old grandma who closed her eyes and wouldn’t help. Fuck!

(going to calm down for a while now…)

20

My mother is married to the man who did it to me. She married him AFTER finding out about the years of sexual abuse I had been through. He used the psychological ploy on me, but from a different angle - he would tell me how much my mother loved him, and how she would be angry at me if he ever had to go away. The bastard. There was the physical abuse, and there was also the additional mental abuse. He used to show Playboy and Hustler to me, and point out girls that I would grow up to look like. He would tell me that with a body like that, I could get anything I wanted out of life. He gave me a completely warped view of what women were “for,” and because I do not have a Playboy model body, a serious self image problem that I think I still have to this day, and other lasting negative effects.

My friends wanted to be nurses, veterinarians, what have you when they grew up. I honestly believed that when I grew up, I was going to be a prostitute or a stripper. I honestly believed that, for years.

To this day (though we do not talk about it anymore, and have not for years), my mother blames it on the fact that he was an active alcoholic at the time, and is convinced that it never would have happened otherwise.

Yeah, right.

I still don’t know whether it happened to his own daughter as well. She has almost no contact with him anymore, so you can draw your own conclusions.

When I was nineteen, and he had been off the bottle for 6 years, he came on to me. Hugged me too hard, and during a “fatherly” kiss put his tongue in my mouth. I shoved him away, and stayed the hell away from him and my mother for a long time.

I was in counselling for 6 years. It made a world of difference. Sweet_Lotus, your SO needs counselling. She needs someone to work all of this out with. The flashbacks will probably never completely go away, but the frequency can be lessened dramatically. I go for months, sometimes years without having them now. It would help you to talk to someone professional as well, separately.

What you can do for her? Here’s a short list:

Don’t make her tell you anything.

Let her tell you anything she needs to, regardless of how painful it is to hear it. She needs to be able to talk about it, sometimes.

As has been said, if she gives the slightest indication that she wants you to stop, STOP. Instantly. And don’t ask questions, if she wants to tell you why, she will.

Let her set the terms of her relationship with her parents. A previous SO of mine insisted I should see them more often - I hated that about him.

Incest survivors can go on to have normal, wonderful lives. Mine is now, and the others who have responded are also testimonials to that.

Ayesha, Minxsmom, you are both in my thoughts. Hugs to you both.