Here’s the background:
I was raped when I was a 16 year old virgin on my first date. The assailant was a 21 year old male who had lied to me about his age so that I would go out with him. He threatened me and that, combined with the type of family I was raised in, was enough to convince me not to come forward. Many years later, I finally cracked and confessed to my family. I am now 25 years old and relatively normal, I suppose.
I don't classify myself as a victim - I am a survivor. I am not looking for sympathy in the least. I realize that there are many people out there that have been through this and that there are those out there with loved ones who have been through this and are trying to understand what goes through a woman's mind when a rape occurs, and how it affects her for the rest of her life. People always have questions, but worry that asking them will prove hurtful to the victim. Talking, at least for me, has become cathartic and allowed me to release a lot of the pain I held inside.
This is a really sensitive subject to many people, and I understand that. But if I can provide some sort of help or insight to someone that allows them to heal or help a loved one heal, then I've achieved my goal. I promise to answer honestly and directly, no matter how tough the question. I figure this belongs in IMHO, since I'll be expressing my opinions and personal experiences mostly, not clinical facts.
So, ask away.........
Let’s suppose I were someone you knew – current boyfriend, brother, guy cousin, guy in your class, male coworker, etc.
If you had been raped very recently, and told me, how could I best be supportive? Hugs? Buy you coffee? Listen? Invite you over to sit up all night on the couch and not be alone? Leave you alone and be understanding if you are distant or in a foul mood? Treat you like everything is the same and normal aside after saying “gee that sucks, I’d like to tie the bastard up good and let you have at him with your choice of sharp pointy objects and corrosive chemicals”?
I know the answer may differ in many ways depending on who I am to you, or between you and the next rape victim, but it would still be good to hear your best general-rule answers.
I don’t want to horn in on jay-c’s thread, but I did want to answer this.
I was raped at age 16 by my much older boyfriend who assured me that if I did not quietly submit to having sex with him he would call my mother and father and tell them that I had, and that in fact I was a slut. Either way, he said, I was not going to be considered a virgin when that night was over.
It wasn’t so much that rape was an acceptable alternative, but that I knew my parents (a relatively conservative, Christian background) were counting on me to be a role model for my younger sister, knew that my boyfriend was a ‘bad influence’ on me, knew my dad would be sad and disappointed in me (remember I was a confused teenager, not a 28 year old) and frankly, I was scared. I was scared of how he seemed to have a plan and how he was so confident that I had already lost to his plan. I felt like the biggest, dumbest weaking on the planet.
As it turns out, once I broke up with him (immediately after) he called my parents and told them that I was a non-virgin slut anyway.
It took them a good three years for me to convince them he was lying.
I am kind of torn on this issue. I guess have to question whether jail is suitable in this case. Jail is supposed to function as rehabilitation, not punishment. However, it seems to me that very little rehabilitation ever occurs. Usually, most offenders come out more violent than they came in.
For a long time, I wanted revenge. In one day, this person changed me from a trusting, innocent and idealistic child (I was very naive) to a bitter, sarcastic pessimist. I’ve spent a lot of my life being angry over something that I now realize was not my fault. I’ve beat myself up a lot over not going to the police, because he went on to do the same thing to other women after me.
Fortunately, another girl had the courage to tell someone. He went to jail briefly, but since his family had money, he was out on bail almost immediately. The girl’s older brother endeed up hunting him down. He and a group of his friends beat the guy, then doused his crotch in gasoline and lit him on fire. He (the rapist)ended up with severe burns on his genitals, and eventually he lost both of his testicles and most of his penis. While I think that what was done to him was horrendous, it does give me some comfort to think that he will never be able to hurt another woman in that way again.
It wasn’t that rape was an acceptable alternative to my family. What I meant was that keeping quiet was preferable to telling my family about it. Let me clarify the issue by stating that I did not submit to the rape in any way. I fought, and was held by my throat and then my head was beaten against a car window until I was semi-conscious.
My family was (and still is)very odd. They accepted my story that I got the bruises by falling down, and never asked about it again. When I eventually told them about the rape, the reaction I got was the whole “What were you wearing? Did you come on to him?” type of blame thing. Basically, they implied that is was essentially MY FAULT that I was raped, or that I had done something to cause it.
The most important thing you can do for someone is believe and listen to them.
Let them be in control of what they tell you. Try not to ask lots of questions or push for detailed information about the incident. When someone is raped they have had their control taken away from them. A very important factor in recovery is helping them gain that control back again. Letting them choose what they tell you and when is giving them some control back. If they tell you that they don’t want to talk about it, then don’t push them. Simply give them a hug, tell them you love them, and that you will listen when and if they are ready.
Coming to terms with rape or sexual assault is not easy and may take a long time so try and be patient and give the person time and space. If you are in a sexual relationship with the person then try to let them decide what kind of physical contact they want and when. Focus on love and care rather than sex. Don’t pressure them into having sex with you before they are ready. It was a long time before I felt ready to have sex, and there are still times when I have to tell my SO, “Don’t touch me like that,” because it will remind of what happened and creep me out.
Do not place blame. It does not matter what the victim was wearing, doing, saying or anything else. There is never an acceptable reason for rape. Always remind the person that what happened to them was not their fault.
Accept their choice of dealing with the rape even if you disagree with what they are doing, so long as they are not causeing themselves or others harm. Each person deals with things in a different way. Don’t pressure them into reporting the crime to the police if they don’t want to.
It might be helpful for you to do some reading on the subject - the Internet is a good resource. You may also suggest the survivor do some reading if they think that will help them.
There are many support groups out there to help with this. And while it will help (at some point) for the victim to talk about their feelings, understand that it is sometimes easier to talk to a stranger than someone you are close to. I found this to be true most of the time. It is still hard for me to talk to my SO about it now, and it’s been 9 years. It may be hurtful if someone close to you is shutting you out or going elsewhere for help and support but some survivors find it easier to talk to people who are not emotionally involved with them.
Why did you tell them that the bruises were from falling down, instead of telling them that they were the result of defending yourself against a rapist, and an obvious sign that you were not compliant in the intercourse?
I was struggling to phrase a post about this subject, and was glad to see part of an answer before the question was even asked. There’s still part of a question remaining, though.
Several years ago, a friend of mine confided in me that she had been raped several months prior by her ex-boyfriend. In retrospect, I followed your advice - I never pushed or asked questions she wasn’t willing to answer, I listened or just sat with her for hours on end, and I never applied blame. (I ended up failing a class and changing my major because I sat up all night on the couch several times while she slept.) Over the course of a year, we became closer but my mind was always on edge during any physical contact. I’d hold her, but not initiate anything else. ‘Focus on love and care.’
One evening, she tried to initiate more intimate contact, and I gently rebuffed her advances. A week later, she accused me of trying to betray and take advantage of her, and never spoke to me again. At the time, firmly in the mindset of not applying any blame, I believed every word she said.
In retrospect, maybe she hadn’t healed as much as either of us had thought. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with the thought that I didn’t do anything wrong. I still wonder, though, now and then. From such a limited story, what can you see that I could have done better?
Like I said before, my family is odd. My father was physically abusive, and my mother verbally abusive the majority of my childhood. I knew that if I told them, it would turn out the way it eventually did (i.e. they made me feel ashamed and as if it were my fault). On top of that, the guy had threatened me that he would come back and hurt me if I told. Keeping quiet seemed reasonable to me at the time. It was easier and less painful to keep it in than to talk about it.
djb, are you missing the part where she’s explaining how scared she was?
I never told ANYONE what happened to me, not until I was well over 20. I was scared and scarred and embarrassed. Explaining it away was easier for me because it meant I wouldn’t have to talk about it anymore.
Jay-c, let me first say how very sorry I am that this happened to you, and that it is a very brave thing for you to open this topic and invite others to see this part of your life honestly and unabashedly.
Second, it is unfortunate, but your family is not odd. Misguided and wrong, yes, but unusual, no. Not in the least. I was raped at knifepoint when I was 18, and a good friend of mine from college had been raped while in high school and became pregnant as a result of the attack. Neither of us had the sort of family we could have told. For her, it was worse than for me, because I could just keep quiet and act like nothing happened; she had to be cast as the little tramp who went and got herself knocked up on purpose. Seeing the effects of that in her life is hard, especially knowing she did nothing to deserve it. It’s been 10 years for her, and she still hasn’t lived it down with her family, nor has she told them the truth, as far as I know. It’s been about 9 years for me, and I’ve managed not to mention it to my family, because I’d get the same response you got.
Scary how similar lots of these stories are, isn’t it? I agree 100% that in most situations, especially when you’re still young and green in the world, it is easier to keep quiet than to face parental disapproval, peer group isolation, and the trauma of the reporting process with law enforcement. The fear of these just compounds the issue.
My questions for you:
Did you find, after surviving the rape, that the experience changed your perception of the world around you, and the people who inhabit it?
If you had a little sister/ niece/ whatever, what would you tell her that might keep her from being raped?
I was raped a couple of months before my 15th birthday and still havent told my parents. I think this is rather common. Its been 7 years ago now… but I dont want to hurt them, ya know? I dont want to see them angry. I never have. It’s a horrible position to be put in… because everyone is so convinced that reporting rape is always the best option… but what if its not? I didnt tell at 14 because I didnt want my parents to press charges. I didnt want to sit in front of a court and relive what had happened. I still dont. I dont tell them now because all they would be is hurt. And they would feel helpless.
I know where these girls are coming from. Sometimes its easier to pretend everythings okay.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by jay-c *
**
[QUOTE
Fortunately, another girl had the courage to tell someone. He went to jail briefly, but since his family had money, he was out on bail almost immediately. The girl’s older brother endeed up hunting him down. He and a group of his friends beat the guy, then doused his crotch in gasoline and lit him on fire. He (the rapist)ended up with severe burns on his genitals, and eventually he lost both of his testicles and most of his penis. While I think that what was done to him was horrendous, it does give me some comfort to think that he will never be able to hurt another woman in that way again. **[/QUOTE]
Did anything happen to the guys who participated in the vigilante justice against this creep?
Boy this thread stirs up such an emotional response from me that I find it difficult to ask a question.
I jsut deleted the rest of my post because I just don’t want to bring out this stuff because it has nothing to do with you or Jarbabyj (one of my favorite posters) or any other woman who was raped.