I am pleased to say that once the full story came out, no charges were ever pressed against the boys. The rapist, however, had gone on to become a policeman and was quickly stripped of his badge when the story broke. However, he was only given time served and released. The newspapers never carried even one story about it. He now works in his family’s business. His family runs a very large mortgage lending company in my hometown, and every time I go home to visit I have to see his smirking face on billoards everywhere.
[I will come across as such a bastard for asking this, but please take my word that this is an honest question and not meant to hurt anyone]
jay-c and jarbabyj, you both mentioned in your posts that your reaction towards the rape was anger, fear and shame. I can understand the first two emotions, I would certainly me angry as hell, and I can definitely understand any fear in the matter. But I do not understand where shame comes in. Clearly, I’ve never been raped, otherwise I probably owuld have understood, but why are you ashamed of something that you did not have control over? Why are you ashamed that someone knocked you down and took advantage of you?
On a similar vein, victims of rape often have a hard time trusting men in general after a rape. I do not understand this either. Certainly you realise that not all men are the same, and that one bastard using you in such a way does not meant that all men will. When a black guy robs my house, that doesn’t mean that I think all black men rob houses. I realise that this comparison doesn’t really work here, but still…
Again, I’m sorry if I come across as an ass. It certainly isn’t meant that way…
Rape significantly changed my perception of my life and of the world I lived in. You do not ‘get over’ such an experience, and it cannot be wiped out or forgotten. I can’t think of one thing that did not change after the rape. I was basically an open and trusting person before the rape. I became withdrawn, angry and bitter afterward. To this day, I don’t trust many people, or let them into my “inner circle”. I am always suspicious of someone’s motivation when they’re nice to me. But those are the negative things that came out of it.
Some good has come out of it too. At one point I realized that I didn’t want to let this creep destroy my life. I could either spend the rest of my life hiding and cowering from everyone, or I could become stronger. I took self-defense and martial arts, and feel confident that I could defend myself against most anyone. I am a lot more vocal now, and if I am uncomfortable with any situation for any reason, I speak up. LOUDLY. I assert myself and don’t get pushed around. It’s taken a long time, but I’ve come out of this a more confident and well-adjusted person. It’s just too bad it took something like that to make it happen.
I dohave a little sister, AND several nieces. My advice is something along the following lines:
Socialize with people who share your values. If you have friends who are more sexually permissive than you are, others may assume that you share their values. Choose your dates carefully. While this doesn’t seem like a big issue, it was in my case. I was introduced to my rapist by a friend who was very promiscuous. He could have assumed that I was the same, since her reputation was well known.
Avoided secluded places, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Establish a pattern of going where there are other people, where you will be comfortable and safe. This will give you the opportunity to get to know the person better and to decide whether you want to continue the relationship and what kind of relationship it will be.
Go on a double or group date if you are unsure of a new acquaintance. If this isn’t possible, meet him in a public place and have your own transportation or taxi fare to get home.
Set your own sexual limits. It is your body. No one has the right to force you to do anything you don’t want to do. If you don’t want someone to touch or kiss you, say so. If you date persists, simply say, “Take your hands off of me,” or “If you don’t stop it right now, I’ll leave.” Stopping sexual activity does not mean that something is wrong with you. It means that you are a mature woman who makes her own life choices.
Trust your own feelings. Sometimes, you get that feeling in your stomach, that little flutter, that something is ot right. Trust that. If you feel you are being pressured, you probably are. Leave the situation as quickly as possible.
Be loud in protesting if things start to get out of hand. This will make your feelings clear and may alert someone who is within hearing distance that you need help.
Be aware that alcohol and drugs are often related to date rape. They hinder your date’s and your ability to make responsible decisions, as well as your ability to react quickly. If you choose to drink alcohol, do it responsibly.
i’m sorry for both jarbabyj and jay c and for and other people reading this who were raped. you deserved nothing that happened to you and you deserve only the best in the future.
i’ve had bad things happen to me (which i’m not ready to talk about yet) but they weren’t anywhere near as bad as some of the experiences on this post.
i’m dealing as best i can, and i wish you all the luck best as you do the same.
I’ve noted a couple people asking why jay-c and others didn’t report a rape, or were ashamed of being raped, and while I’ve never actually been raped myself I thought I’d add in my own experience.
When I was 14, one summer Sunday around two in the afternoon a boy/man my age who I knew from school (but was never friends with) came out of the bushes near my apartment, grabbed me around the throat, dragged me into the bushes, and started to remove my shirt.
I managed to fight him off, and even cracked one of his shin bones before I ran like hell. I really do wonder how he explained the broken leg to his family and his friends, as he was hobbling around in a cast for the better part of two months.
Now, when I’ve told that story to some people they’ve actually had the audacity to say “Why are you so sure he was trying to rape you?” Well, I’d say physical assault followed by removal of clothing was a pretty strong indication. I mean, what else could he be thinking about? He had also raped several other girls before me that I knew about. Not that he’d ever been punished for it.
Now, let me say that I do believe my family would have actually have been supportive of me had I said anything, although my dad probably would have hunted down the kid and killed him. But I never said anything for years.
Why? Well, for one thing I was afraid of being punished for beating the crap out of the guy - he did, after all, get hurt much worse than I did. And, well, people are assholes and make assumptions and I didn’t want to go through people calling me “slut” all through high school (which happened anyway - pretty much all the girls got called that for one reason or another).
And, despite having fought off my attacker quite successfully, it did have an effect on me. I’m always somewhat “on guard” in lonely places. I don’t trust very many people.
It hasn’t stifled me much - I go pretty much wherever I want, by myself if I have to. I rode home alone on the Chicago El at eleven at night and walked 5 blocks to my apartment at least once a week all through college. But the fear never entirely leaves.
On the other hand - I’ve found myself in a few of what I call pre-rape sceanarios where my past experience has encouraged me to react to defend myself rather than being a “polite” or “good” girl. You know - the guy you’ve never met who offers to carry your groceries home, then INSISTS on carrying them for you even after you refuse his offer, and won’t leave you alone even after you ask - which left me yelling at the top of my lungs on a crowded street corner “NO I DON’T WANT YOUR HELP GET AWAY FROM ME I DON’T KNOW YOU LEAVE ME ALONE YOU TRY ANYTHING ASSHOLE I CAN PICK YOU OUT OF A LINE UP NOW GO AWAY --” until everyone for a block around was starting at us. Sure enough, a couple of jerks chewed me out for being such a bitch to “that nice man who was just trying to help you”. If he was so damn helpful why was he removing my grocery bags from my possession against my will, grabbing my arm hard enough to bruise, and telling lies like “she’s my girlfriend, she’s always like this? Honey, stop making a scene.” I didn’t have any trouble “making a scene” because I was trying to prevent a far worse “scene” from happening.
Well, I don’t want to take anything away from those who have had it worse than me, but I do understand some of the shame. It isn’t just the sexual element - it’s the loss of control over oneself, in a society that values the individual above all else. We’re taught that if we behave X way Y will not happen - akin to to “if you didn’t go into Central Park you wouldn’t have been mugged”. Crime victims are often blamed for being victims, and not just in rape.
I cant answer this for other women, but for me it seems to be the realization that there was maybe something you could’ve done differently. “If I hadnt worn that dress,” “If I would’ve gone home with my other friends earlier that night…” or if you didnt physically fight. It happens. You say no, you put up some resistance, but you’re scared. You dont want to be hurt any more than is necessary. Or you might’ve been in shock and been unable to move… it happens.
Or you might’ve fought as hard as you could… and been thrown down and raped and humiliated anyway. In which case, you’re probably beating yourself up for being too weak.
As irrational as these things may seem to you, they are very real and very powerful responses to such an atrocity.
Yes, the shame comes from beating yourself up over what you could have done to stop it.
Why did I go there, what was I thinking, how could I be so weak as to let myself be used.
Oddly enough, I have just recently had a flash back to something that happened when I was in high school.
Right now there is a creepy guy at work who has made some comments to fellow workers about me.
Now, I am very open about my sexuality, but he is crude and offensive.
Anyway I haven’t thought about what happened to me in years, and this guy brought it all rushing back in a flash.
I told my supervisor that if he touched me I would break his hands.
I have been touched twice unwanted and it will never happen again.
Sorry for the delay, I’ve been in Vegas
The shame I felt was mostly at how stupid I was to trust this guy to be my boyfriend for the two years before it happened. I was ashamed at how wrong I was when I defended him to my parents and friends who said he was a total drug addict slimeball. If I told them that he’d done those things to me they’d most certainly have had compassion but at some point I’m also sure they would have said, “See, I told you so.”
I was also ashamed because I was a girl who had been very vocal about waiting until I was married to have sex and I knew that he was going to be telling people (which he did) that I was willingly having sex with him, which made me look like a big, giant hypocrite. He was, quite frankly, a unique brand of brilliant sociopath, because he had a way of getting everyone to believe what he said, even my own mother, whom he told that I was a ‘bondage slut’.
I hear he got married and had children. Yikes.
On the upside…I realize that he is not representative of all men or all sexual encounters and have a very successful sex life these days…just ask mr. jarbaby.
To add to the list of tips on how to avoid being assaulted: when you’re in a bar, and you go to the bathroom, take your drink with you. Date rape drugs are disgustingly widespread.
And another public service announcement: if you have the time, volunteer at your local Rape Crisis Center. You’ll learn a lot, and there’s always a need for people who care.
Let me begin my expressing my deepest sympathies. No one should have to endure that sort of treatment, and no human has the right to inflict that on anyone. I admire any person who can rise above that disgusting behaviour.
There has been one question I have always had in regards to those who have survived being raped: How did this (or did it) change your perception of sex?
I understand it probably lead to much cautious behaviour. Pardon if this question sounds rude or inappropriate, but I have always wondered how that would mentally affect a person sexually, and this seems to be the sound of opportunity knocking.
Oh boy, does this thread bring up some issues.
Like jarbabyj, I don’t want to in anyway hijack this thread, but I would like to point out a few things about the experience of being raped.
The first is that it’s a huge physical shock - no matter what the circumstances of an individual rape, the woman or man concerned did not believe they were placing themself in immediate physical danger.
The second is that it really screws with your perception of your own judgement - about situations, about people in your life, about everything.
Rape convictions aren’t easy to secure in most first world countries - the woman is essentially just a police witness and the job of the defence is to prove that their client didn’t commit a crime. This often involves trying to prove that the woman consented. So there you are in physical and emotional shock, doing your best to move on from a traumatic experience and seeking legal justice involves further surrendering of your body and your emotions to the control of someone else if a credible police case is to be brought.
None of this even begins to take into account the responses which friends and family - or workmates or acquaintances - have towards rape.
There are no right answers about how to deal with a friend who has been raped. The best thing you can do is ask the individual concerned how you can support them, and to remain aware that they really need to be in control of any physical interaction they have with other human beings.
Much as I’m appalled by the sexual assault figures world-wide (IIRC, in Australia, one in 5 women will have been sexually abused at some time in her life), I’m also heartened by messageboards like this one which allow us to see firsthand that very many men are genuinely concerned about how to prevent this crime occurring and how to express their support for and facilitate the healing process when it does happen.
To answer SPM’s question - it’s incredibly variable from one person to the next. The sexual assaults which occurred during my teenage years were most definitely a contributing factor towards my promiscuity during my young adulthood. The out of the blue sexual assault which occurred a few months ago has had little impact on my feelings towards sex - possibly because I’m now of the age where I’m not going to let a single event define my life, where other people’s opinions don’t matter enough for me to feel “responsible” in any way for what happened, and because I know that I can not only survive, but go forth and prosper.
Thank you jay-c and everyone else who has been so candid in this thread.
This particular quote brought back a memory that I have never stopped feeling guilty about:
I think this ties in with control issues, a rape victim has had her (or his) control taken away in a violent and disgusting way. But what do you advise regarding medical attention?
A few years ago, when we were both about 20 years old, one of my best girlfriends was raped. I saw her about fifteen after the crime, and in my judgement, she was clearly in need of medical attention. She was determined and vocal that she didn’t want to report the rape to the police, nor go to the hospital or a doctor. Based on the excessive amount of blood that was soaking her clothing and her visible injuries (the rapist had attacked her with a broken bottle), I begged, pleaded, cajoled and finally forced her to get in the car and go to the hospital. The force involved me shouting that it was either the car, or 911, and she could pick which she would rather. At the time, and in one part of my mind now, the primary issue was the blood, and the fact that she seemed to be in shock and not making sound medical decisions.
To this day, it haunts me that I SHOUTED at and PUSHED a rape victim into my car. What was I thinking? But what else could I have done? I would have done the same thing to someone who was dazed and confused after being in a car accident, and also bleeding to death in the living room.
We have never been as close since, and the one time we tried to talk about it, it turned into a bitter discussion about her need to control what was happening to her, and my need not to watch her bleed out before my eyes. Given the short amount of time in which we had to come to some course of action, where could I have found the common ground to stop these needs from being mutually exclusive?
First congratulations on your bravery in starting the thread.
Some aspects of human experience, like rape or terminal illness can be terrifying to face. Having a discussion or providing help (like hospices) is a source of comfort to the innocent victims.
I hope you’ll understand, though, why I want to make a small hijack. I consider rape to be an act of violence (not sex) that has no place in a civilised society. But I am also completely against vigilante violence.
Why weren’t they prosecuted? You might have mitigating circumstances for the judge to consider, but clearly a serious crime has been committed.
(There was a case recently where a ‘paedophile’ had his house burned down. It turned out that he was innocent, but had the same name as a criminal living nearby).
I don’t know… I’d be tempted to deface the billboards - maybe a carton balloon saying ‘I have no genitals. You rape someone like I did, the same could happen to you’