I pit my parents (and all others who treat rape victims like shit)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Back story:

I was raped 3 years ago. While some people may feel that I should be over this by now, I’m not. Suck it.

I understand that this is a hard thing for a parent to deal with, but it’s a lot harder for me. The actual victim. And I wasn’t going to tell them, except my mother went through my wallet and found the paper with the details of my report on it. Awesome.

Since day one of them finding out, it has always been a fight with them. Not once have they just sat and listened to my worries and fears. It’s always been the string of questions: Why didn’t I tell them right away? Why am I still upset after so long? (That was a year ago, by the way.) Why can’t I understand they are trying to heeeeeeelp?

Well, maybe it’s because you keep acting like pricks.

Tonight I was upset at the cops for dropping my case. My parents proceeded to tell me that I should have pushed them harder to pursue my case, and if I had let them be involved it would have gone differently. That it was my fault for the case not going through.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Right. Let’s place MORE blame on the rape victim. That’s awesome. Not only is it your fault for getting drunk and trusting someone you thought was a friend, now it’s your fault for not MAKING THE POLICE DO THEIR JOB. Seriously? And I am trying to explain to them that this is not okay, that all I need from them is their understanding and support. But they just continue on in their never ending quest to be right.

So in this rant, I pit all the people who can’t seem to offer up a shoulder to cry on for their friends and family members who have been raped. Do you honestly think it’s harder for you to deal with it than for the person it actually happened to? Just for once, try to not judge (at least not out loud) and allow this person a moment of solace, for fuck’s sake.

ETA: I’ve never posted before, just read for a long time, and of course I read the “What belongs in the Pit?” sticky AFTER posting. If this is deemed to fit in a different category, feel free to move. Thanks.

2

That truly sucks, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t know what your relationship with your parents is apart from this, but if they are constantly making you feel bad, perhaps consider distancing yourself from them.

3

It’s one of those things which “Mars vs Venus” books claim are a gender divide but I just can’t see it: “listeners” (the books say those are women) vs “solvers” (men). It royally sucks, when you just want to be able to tell your story / vent / whatever and the other person keeps jumping in telling you how to live your life. Bonus points when they have no idea what they’re talking about and you know it.

4

I’m sorry for what you’ve been through and are continuing to go through.

Because they don’t know that’s the right thing to do. They don’t know what the right thing to do is, so they’re coming up with the first thing that occurs to them.

What they’re coming up with is not helpful, but I think the question is, what is their intent - are they doing the best they know how, or are they actively trying to make you feel worse about this?

I hope you are getting some counselling where you’re about to talk about this stuff in a supportive environment?

5

Hi giddyonup, I’m terribly sorry to read what happened to you. Um … there are sympathetic (digital) ears here? And shoulders? Sorry, it’s not much, but it’s all I can offer you. Your parents sound eerily like mine; mine would have reacted the exact same way, and in fact DID (I wasn’t raped, but something else bad happened to me that was “my fault” because I didn’t prevent it when I 100% couldn’t) and as Steophan hinted, I’ve had to distance myself from them. Not because of that, but their wholly unsupportive attitude certainly contributed. So, uh, I really have nothing useful to offer you, but for what it’s worth, you have the sympathy of a random stranger out in the universe.

There are a few rape victims on this board - at least one started an “Ask the rape victim” thread! - so hopefully you can get in touch with them so you can communicate with someone who actually HAS been there and walked in your shoes.

Also: 'sokay that you’re “not over it.” Sheesh. I hope you’re not beating yourself up about that.

6

I’m sorry for all that you went through, and are still going through. But after reading the “&#^@ my moms says” thread, I’m not surprised. Parents are a special breed. Maybe the best you can do is tell them that you don’t want to talk about it and change the subject. You might want to rely on other people for support.

7

While I appreciate the sentiment, and the spirit in which it was offered, I would not characterize the SDMB, and especially not the Pit, as a place of unconditional and unquestioning support.

The OP is free to post what she likes, of course. Keeping in mind that a bunch of anonymous strangers have about as much to offer as we do to lose. IYSWIM.

Regards,
Shodan

8

This is well said. I kept many, many things (including a rape) from my parents simply because their hysteria, no matter how well meant, would have added to my pain. The few times I confided in them or they got wind of something it often seemed to make me feel worse. Only you know where they’re coming from - judgemental and shrill or truly freaked out and in pain on your behalf. If it’s the latter, please try and forgive them and seek someone who can actually help.

By the way, it’s been twenty years since my sexual assault. I can’t say exactly when I “got over it” but today I’m totally dispassionate about it. You’ll be amazed at how, as years go by and life’s events unfold, it won’t have much of an effect on you at all. At least that is my hope for you.

9

I think you’re likely to get a more sympathetic and constructive response to this in MPSIMS than in the Pit.

10

When topics like this, I usually do a quick search on Amazon to see if there are any books recommended. I didn’t find anything that really fit your situation. Psychology texts, workbooks for survivors, or books for the partners of survivors. But nothing really spoke to how to help parents deal with the trauma.

Our parents usually love us. They want us to be safe and healthy and happy, and God help the idiot who threatens their beloved child. I’m sure if the person who raped you were handed over to your parents, by the time they were done, there wouldn’t be much left but a few scraps of flesh and the echoes of agonized screaming.

But, the person who raped their child is not there. They can’t make it right. There is no one for them to tear apart with their bare hands. Believe me, they would be better off if they could.

Your parents haven’t figured out how to redirect that driving need to Make Things Right. The only person involved in the situation that they can put the screws to is . . . you. It’s not fair. It’s not sensible. Yet, they need so much to do something they say and do these things so they can get the smallest sense of control in a world where something happened to the child they love.

It’s not fair that you end up with this extra burden. Really, it’s not. Your parents don’t have the necessary distance to see how their manner of coping with the trauma is actually hurting you more.

My advice? Again, it’s not fair that you’re stuck with being the person to deal with this, but you are. Seek the help of someone who cares for you and your parents respect - a family friend, an aunt or uncle, a minister or other clergy member. Sit down and explain to them that you know they are hurting, that they want to make things better, and that you want their support. Then, with the help of the other person, explain to them how they can help.

Once upon a time, I told my mom that I’d been infected with herpes. I needed her emotional support and comfort to deal with both the illness and the diagnosis. What I didn’t need was her lecturing me about safe sex or committed relationships or whatever, so, when I started the conversation, I said, “Mom, I need to talk to you about something, and I need you to go into Supportive Mom role.” Apparently, those were the magic words. She gave me no recriminations, no blame, no sense of failure or shame. She did give me concern and support and comfort.

Maybe your parents just need it spelled out as clearly.

Best wishes for healing and health.

11

I am so sorry for your ongoing pain and that your parents are making it worse. Just know one thing (which you probably already know) NONE of this is your fault. Not the rape, not the police dropping the case, not your parents’ reactions. Your mother was wrong to go through you wallet. You have every right to not tell your parents what happened to you.

It’s sad that they are placing any blame on you at all. I don’t understand it. I cannot imagine placing any kind of blame if my child was a victim of a crime.

Great big hugs to you!

12

Is your relationship such with your parents that you could possibly tell them - at a time when you are feeling well, centered, and grounded - how they can best support you and what they can *avoid *saying? Is there perhaps a counselor or trusted family friend who could mediate a discussion about this with your parents? I agree that you shouldn’t have to tell your parents to avoid statements which blame in a situation like this, but talking to them about it seems the only potential way to improve the situation. I am, of course, assuming that your parents are responding out of their own sense of helplessness and grief for what you experienced, and that they do not have other problems. You might also not be able to verbalize what you need from them.

13

I’m so sorry, giddyonup. I dealt with several rape cases when I was a prosecutor, and I know how very, very hard it can be on the victims of that particular terrible crime. Keep your chin up and I hope things get better for you.

14

I’m really sorry about what you’re going through. One aspect of “not your fault” is that there’s no fruitful or useful answer to “what could I have done different to have handled this better” and learning to not look back on how you did handle it and second-guess how you did.

15

There are two ways of looking at things. One is you should be over it? You need to ask yourself why not? If there is a good reason to why it’s still causing you issues, you need to develop a plan to get past this.

Seriously this is your life, you’re not going to get another one nor are you going to be able to make up for lost time. Each day past is one you won’t get back and in 10 years do you still want to be in the place you were?

Rape is a horrible crime, but others have had it happen to them and got past it. Everyone has walls and hurdles to climb and they are going to have to get over them. Somehow you are going to have to do it.

If you’re working on this then your parents criticisms are not justified, so they are of no importance. When they say “you should be over it,” do you tell them, “well I am not, what do you suggest to help me?” Then if they can’t offer a suggestion, you may then politely remind them not to talk about. Remember as devistated as you are, you’re not the only one with problems and some people have it a lot worse than you.
If you’re not doing anything to get over it, then their criticism are justified and you need to start with a plan.

Rape is not something you can’t deal with or get over. Holocaust victims and other people who had horrible things happen to them went on to live productive lives.

It’s easy to say “If you’ve never had it happen to you, you can’t know.” This is so. But it doesn’t give you an excuse to abandon hope and just lie down and accept the misery as something that will never go away.

If you don’t want to be in the same place you are now, in ten years, you need to take action now. As soon as you do, you will realize you’re not as helpless as you feel to overcome your emotions. Groups can help guide you, books can help guide you but in the end you have to do it.

I had a horrible fear of flying, and I missed out on a huge number of once in a lifetime opportunities, because of it. Now it’s too late. Now rape is much different from a fear of flying but fear is fear and it must be overcome.

Compassion like anything can be misplaced, and there is a time to let someone cry on your shoulder and a time to tell them it’s time to start doing something about your situation.

Many people have been raped and are now past it. This is not to say you should be to but to serve as an example that it is possible to overcome.

To the OP you need to sit down and ask yourself what in the last three years have I done to solve my problem. You should have at least 36 things down. One for each month. If you do things and they don’t work, that’s fine. Whether or not you “get over” something is not as important as keep on trying and actually doing the work.

Unfortunately no one can get over it but you. And I’m sure no one wants to see you ten years from now saying the same thing in another posting

Good luck and remember to listen as well as cry, sometimes people may just have something worth listening to, even though you don’t want to hear it

16

Good grief, I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that there are at least 36 discrete steps to getting over a trauma like this. I would not, however, characterize that trauma as a “problem” to be “solved.”

17

After three years? I’d say it’s a rather larger problem to be solved. Solved in the sense that it isn’t affecting the OPs life in any meaningful way.

18

I feel you. I was habitually sexually abused by my father over several months, when I was 11. I wasn’t ever going to tell my mom about it but it kind of slipped out one day (I was 24) when I informed her I was cutting off all contact with him and I’d appreciate if she’d stop trying to guilt me into calling him. They’d been divorced for over 10 years at that point, so why should she care anyway? But she had a bad relationship with her father and it was super important that I have a good relationship with my father. She asked me why, and I said just because. She said, and I am not fucking kidding, this is a quote from memory, “Why? It’s not like he molested you or something.” And I started crying. So uh, she figured it out.

Now she keeps wanting to talk about it with me, and asks me why I didn’t tell her at the time (and I’m sure secretly blames herself, which is why I didn’t want her to find out about it). I don’t want to fucking talk about it! Fuck off! As far as I’m concerned, I don’t have a father anymore. I can’t file charges or anything, it’s been too long. I just want to forget it. You’re not my therapist, so let me deal with it how I need to, in order to fucking function.

She told me last weekend that she just found out he had abused one of my cousins at the same time it happened to me. I DON’T FUCKING CARE SHUT UP I DON’T FUCKING NEED THIS

(Thanks for reading if you did, that was cathartic. I’m going to make sure I email her and be very fucking clear that she is never to bring up my male progenitor again. Because she probably forgot. Maybe accidentally.)

For the record, it’s been 15 years since I was abused and I will never “get over it.” That shit made me who I am. It was my first formative sexual experience, unfortunately. Things like that do NOT go away. Of course, days or weeks can go by where I don’t think about it. Others I kind of passively analyze it. On rare occasions I get really pissed off that someone could do that. I don’t feel like it rules my life, though I probably need some therapy which I’ve never gone through for it.

People who say you should get over it are fking clueless. I’m glad you’re smart enough to realize this. That’s the reason I never intended to tell anyone about it, because it was too late to do anything and I didn’t want to go through the inevitable victim-blaming.

hugs

19

If I could nuke this post out of existence with a laser from space, I would.

Classic case of someone who thinks they are being nice, and who wants to help, but is just not getting it.

20

Some things you don’t get over. You just do your best to keep from bumping the wound while it heals, and learn to live with the scar. I guess I’m saying I understand it as a grieving and reconciling process. You grieve what was taken from you and reconcile the event into your self.
The idea that there is some sort of checklist of actions you can take to heal is ludicrous. Even if something works for someone else, it doesn’t mean it’s a universal bandaid.

Edit to add - The OP isn’t required to prove to anyone that she is over anything. She said it was her parents who felt she wasn’t “over it” when it’s possible they aren’t over it or aren’t ready to accept that their daughter has been changed by this event. I’m sure the OP is aware of steps she can take if she feels she needs to work on this. It sounded like she just wanted some compassion from her parents.