I can’t think of 36 things I’ve done in general, let alone for one problem. What kinds of things would they be, anyway? After you get past talking about it, seeking therapy, medication, maybe getting some exercise and trying to do something positive for yourself…what else is there?
Plus you can be “over it” just fine, and then something happens which simply brings it back to the forefront, but rather than the old wound reopening and bleeding, it’s “gee, for some reason I always stub my toe when I’m overtired, ouch ouch ouch and re-ouchies”. I’m “over Dad’s death” just fine, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think of him on Father’s Day - and thinking of Dad on Father’s Day doesn’t mean I need grief therapy.
Ok, I’ve been away from my computer for a few days and just read all the replies, so get ready for one loooong reply from me. (Also, it’s been ages since I’ve been active on a message board, so I’m probably gonna mess up all the of the quoting tags and things like that.)
Thanks to everyone for your kind words, it helps some to know that there are people out there, somewhere, with brains and hearts.
[QUOTE=lisacurl]
Is your relationship such with your parents that you could possibly tell them - at a time when you are feeling well, centered, and grounded - how they can best support you and what they can avoid saying? Is there perhaps a counselor or trusted family friend who could mediate a discussion about this with your parents? I agree that you shouldn’t have to tell your parents to avoid statements which blame in a situation like this, but talking to them about it seems the only potential way to improve the situation. I am, of course, assuming that your parents are responding out of their own sense of helplessness and grief for what you experienced, and that they do not have other problems. You might also not be able to verbalize what you need from them.
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Unfortunately, I have already talked with them, at different times - all of which were calm - saying that that is all I need from them. To just say, “I’m sorry you’re feeling bad, it’s not your fault,” and to give me a hug. While we were having this argument I reiterated this over and over again, saying that was all I wanted from them. My parents, however, have this terrible obsession about being ‘right’ all the time, and they just couldn’t let it go. At the end of the argument I decided that I am just never going to talk to them about this ever again. And if I’m upset about it and around them, I will just excuse myself. I told them this as well, but could hardly get it out because I was so distraught with the thought that I couldn’t talk to my parents anymore about this, especially as I don’t have anyone else to talk to.
To all those suggesting I talk to someone else, or see a counselor, I am working on that. I was seeing a fantastic counselor for 2 years while in college, but unfortunately once you graduate they don’t let you come back, and his private practice is way too expensive for me to pay for. That is a whole other let down, but I try not to think about it too much. I tried two other counselors but neither were right for me, and right now going out and explaining my situation to many different counselors until I find the right one is way too much to fathom.
[QUOTE=WOOKINPANUB]
By the way, it’s been twenty years since my sexual assault. I can’t say exactly when I “got over it” but today I’m totally dispassionate about it. You’ll be amazed at how, as years go by and life’s events unfold, it won’t have much of an effect on you at all. At least that is my hope for you.
[/QUOTE]
This is awesome. Thank you so much for telling me this. It gives me untold amounts of hope.
[QUOTE=phouka]
But, the person who raped their child is not there. They can’t make it right. There is no one for them to tear apart with their bare hands. Believe me, they would be better off if they could.
Your parents haven’t figured out how to redirect that driving need to Make Things Right. The only person involved in the situation that they can put the screws to is . . . you. It’s not fair. It’s not sensible. Yet, they need so much to do something they say and do these things so they can get the smallest sense of control in a world where something happened to the child they love.
It’s not fair that you end up with this extra burden. Really, it’s not. Your parents don’t have the necessary distance to see how their manner of coping with the trauma is actually hurting you more.
[/QUOTE]
This makes a lot of sense to me, sort of helps me look at it in a different light. I know how much I want control over it, they must want it as well. I’m still pissed…but I suppose I understand a bit more.
[QUOTE=phouka]
Once upon a time, I told my mom that I’d been infected with herpes. I needed her emotional support and comfort to deal with both the illness and the diagnosis. What I didn’t need was her lecturing me about safe sex or committed relationships or whatever, so, when I started the conversation, I said, “Mom, I need to talk to you about something, and I need you to go into Supportive Mom role.” Apparently, those were the magic words. She gave me no recriminations, no blame, no sense of failure or shame. She did give me concern and support and comfort.
[/QUOTE]
Man, I’m jealous. Maybe if I make my mom a “Supportive Mom” costume she can get into character a bit better, haha.
[QUOTE=rachelellogram]
For the record, it’s been 15 years since I was abused and I will never “get over it.” That shit made me who I am. It was my first formative sexual experience, unfortunately. Things like that do NOT go away. Of course, days or weeks can go by where I don’t think about it. Others I kind of passively analyze it. On rare occasions I get really pissed off that someone could do that. I don’t feel like it rules my life, though I probably need some therapy which I’ve never gone through for it.
[/QUOTE]
Just so you know, I did read your post. =) I was a virgin when I was raped, so it was the same deal for me. And when it’s someone who has been a ‘friend’ for years (or a family member), it really fucks up your ability to trust anyone. So of course it takes time to get over.
Markxxx - you are hilarious in your complete lack of understanding.
- I am leading a productive life. I have a job, I have an agent and go on auditions (I’m an actor), I have a degree from a top college that I managed to finish despite fighting through all this crap each and every day, I am continuing my education to become an interpreter for the deaf, and I have a family I love (even though they totally suck ass in this situation). I am not “[lying] down and accepting the misery,” so thanks for assuming that I spend all day wallowing in grief.
- “You’re not the only one with problems and other people have it harder than you,” is possibly the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Are you going to refuse someone support whose husband was killed because other people have had their husband AND children killed?
- The rest of your post is too ridiculous to even respond to. But I suppose I can say thanks for trying?
lisacurl, Freudian Slit, and Nava, all your responses were great, but I have to say this one was my favorite:
[QUOTE=rachelellogram]
If I could nuke this post out of existence with a laser from space, I would.
[/QUOTE]
I don’t think intent really makes any difference at all. The end result of harm isn’t mitigated in any fashion just by “good intentions.” In fact, it’s in many ways made worse, because then as the victim of the harm, twisted rules of politeness then require you to pet the person who just made it worse by assuring them that it’s okay, we know you didn’t mean to just rub salt in the wound. The victim is robbed of their own legitimate response because of the canard of intention being important.
Whether giddyonup’s parents mean to hurt her or just do it because they’re careless and clueless really doesn’t matter. If they’re unable to deal with this situation without making it worse, then they need to just stop. Go and learn something perhaps, and then maybe try again, but for now, their efforts need to cease, immediately.
I disagree.
Knowing someone means well, but is clueless in how they support you, feels different to knowing that someone is deliberately setting out to hurt you. Taking a cognitive behaviour approach, the thoughts we have about things determine the way we feel about them.
I’m not saying that knowing someone’s intent is good makes what they’re doing okay, or magically means you can completely cope with what they’re doing. But I do think it can *help *you cope.
People who are hurtful through cluelessness may be able to learn not to be hurtful in that particular way/case; it may be above their heads, or it may need several tries until you find the right approach, but they’re stupid, not mean.
People who are hurtful on purpose are a different sack of bitch; we even have a special name for them: sadists.
Yep. Either the shoulder or shut the fuck up. You’ll have to steer clear of people who upset you I’m afraid.
If it makes you feel better, I’m sorry that you were raped, and I’m sorry that you’re not getting the support you need from your folks. I don’t have an answer for you, though.
They have a section for family members of rape survivors which gives tips for how to help the survivor cope.
I am sorry this happened to you and that your parents are handling it in such a feeble way. I am sure their intent is grounded in love and concern for you. I suggest acknowledging that and explaining that they are too close to be able to offer the kind of support you need. Then go find a support group (IRL or online), a therapist/counselor, or a good friend or clergy to talk to.
Yeah, I’ve been to RAINN (seriously though, fuck their online hotline. I was able to get on it a few times a couple years ago, but recently that shit is ALWAYS busy. ALWAYS.). Their stuff is good, but after a few years it’s the same ol’ same ol’. I had a support group in college too, still looking for one outside. Basically I was posting on here because I wanted to share these feelings with people who don’t already know - people who might think twice next time someone needs to share something with them.
And I was browsing The Pit after the argument and it felt so good to pit them, even if the thread got moved later, haha.