Trigger warning
Some 20 years later (can I really be that old?!), I am still dealing with some of the aftermath of being abducted and sexually assaulted, and in a separate situation, molested, when I was a teenager. Overall, I am okay…I seem to have worked through the worst of the panic attacks and phobias. Now I starting to realize that I have some odd, sort of superstitious belief systems in place, and I am working on eradicating some of them.
I’m just interested in hearing how others have coped, and if this is just one more phase to work through. I’m in therapy, and that helps immensely. Feel free to share ideas or experiences if you like, if you can do so in a way that is safe for you. The trigger warning is to warn off anyone who might find whatever follows to be too intense.
Some of what I am dealing with now:
~You know how if you have a scar or a tattoo on your back, you can sense it even though you can’t see it? I sense scars on my body that aren’t visible…bitemarks on my shoulders, and a black scar over my heart. The latter is entirely symbolic, and I envision it as a black mark much like the universal “NO” symbol. This has something to do with my soul. (More on that later.)
~I was terrified to find out that I was expecting my first baby girl during my last pregnancy. Beyond having raised only boys to that point, I realized that when I picture myself as a little girl, all I feel is a violent urge to just shake the sh*t out of the little girl that I was. It was scary. Thankfully, I have found that having a baby girl is incredibly healing. I am struck with wonder at how comfortable and at ease she is in her own body, and of course I love her crazy. I’m so grateful to have her, but I was sincerely worried about whether I could treat her well.
~I’m not a terribly religious person, but I do have some basic Christian beliefs. However, I struggle with this irrational, superstitious fear/belief: that my soul was actually lost or stolen as a result of what happened to me. It’s one of my crazier notions, but I haven’t yet been able to shake it. I am literally afraid to walk into a church, for fear of what would happen to me. (I don’t know…lightning? spontaneous combustion? who knows…I actually have been in churches, btw…but I just figure it will happen next time.) It’s irrational and I know it, but I still can’t get away from it.
~I am more afraid in a public place like Kroger’s or a bookstore than I am at 4 a.m., delivering papers to apartment complexes in the dark. Go figure.
sigh That’s a start, and all I’m up to for now. It’s good to vent a little about it all.
(I am never sure which forum to put my posts in; standard “move it if necessary” disclaimer.)
~karol