Rape/Assaul: Long-term effects?Trigger Warning

In My Humble Opinion
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Trigger warning
Some 20 years later (can I really be that old?!), I am still dealing with some of the aftermath of being abducted and sexually assaulted, and in a separate situation, molested, when I was a teenager. Overall, I am okay…I seem to have worked through the worst of the panic attacks and phobias. Now I starting to realize that I have some odd, sort of superstitious belief systems in place, and I am working on eradicating some of them.
I’m just interested in hearing how others have coped, and if this is just one more phase to work through. I’m in therapy, and that helps immensely. Feel free to share ideas or experiences if you like, if you can do so in a way that is safe for you. The trigger warning is to warn off anyone who might find whatever follows to be too intense.

Some of what I am dealing with now:
~You know how if you have a scar or a tattoo on your back, you can sense it even though you can’t see it? I sense scars on my body that aren’t visible…bitemarks on my shoulders, and a black scar over my heart. The latter is entirely symbolic, and I envision it as a black mark much like the universal “NO” symbol. This has something to do with my soul. (More on that later.)
~I was terrified to find out that I was expecting my first baby girl during my last pregnancy. Beyond having raised only boys to that point, I realized that when I picture myself as a little girl, all I feel is a violent urge to just shake the sh*t out of the little girl that I was. It was scary. Thankfully, I have found that having a baby girl is incredibly healing. I am struck with wonder at how comfortable and at ease she is in her own body, and of course I love her crazy. I’m so grateful to have her, but I was sincerely worried about whether I could treat her well.
~I’m not a terribly religious person, but I do have some basic Christian beliefs. However, I struggle with this irrational, superstitious fear/belief: that my soul was actually lost or stolen as a result of what happened to me. It’s one of my crazier notions, but I haven’t yet been able to shake it. I am literally afraid to walk into a church, for fear of what would happen to me. (I don’t know…lightning? spontaneous combustion? who knows…I actually have been in churches, btw…but I just figure it will happen next time.) It’s irrational and I know it, but I still can’t get away from it.
~I am more afraid in a public place like Kroger’s or a bookstore than I am at 4 a.m., delivering papers to apartment complexes in the dark. Go figure.

sigh That’s a start, and all I’m up to for now. It’s good to vent a little about it all.

(I am never sure which forum to put my posts in; standard “move it if necessary” disclaimer.)

~karol

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20 years later?!?

IANAP, but that doesn’t seem normal at all. Did you ever get any sort of trauma counseling or psychotherapy or anything?

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As another survivor, I’d like to ask you to please get counseling. You may have tried it before and gotten nothing out of it, but there are many good counselors out there who could really help you. Group counseling is also an option if you think that would be more helpful. You don’t have to keep feeling this way.

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bodypoet, I am a sexual abuse survivor. Actually, my parents abused me in pretty much every way (sexually, physically, emotionally, etc). I was also raped in high school. Although the abuse happened to me over 20 years ago, I still am dealing with issues relating to my past. I know what you mean about “a black scar over your heart”- I have referred to it as a “black spot on my soul” before. For me, it’s this: I have been through years of therapy, read lots of self-help/psychology books, gone to Survivors of Incest Anonymous meetings. I am a hard worker and have done a lot of healing in my life. I have a fairly healthy self-image, pretty good self-esteem, and am comfortable with my sexuality. BUT there is a little girl inside me, deep in my heart of hearts, who still thinks, “I’m a bad person, I’m worthless, I deserved what happened to me, I don’t deserve to be happy etc. etc.” I don’t know if it ever goes away, because in moments of depression, I feel bad like that sometimes. Fortunately, my husband knows me very well, and he is able to “give me a reality check”, i.e. talk to me about the present and how good it is, when I get like that.

It’s interesting that you say you were scared of having a baby girl. I’m scared of having a boy. Most of my abuse was done by men, and I guess I’m afraid that I would take out my anger on a boy or something. I don’t know. i’m glad you found it to be a healing experience, though. My husband and I are trying to get pregnant currently, and I think that having a baby is going to be healing for me too.

As far as being afraid in a public place, did something happen to you in a place like that? I know that I still have problems with certain things- like when someone whistles with lots of vibrato, because my father whistled like that. I don’t get triggered anymore, but it can make me uncomfortable.

I am at a point in my life where I am dealing with some weird beliefs too, but my beliefs come from childhood. I am realizing that I had ways of coping back then, which protected me emotionally, but now are just detrimental. My poor husband doesn’t know what hit him sometimes! For instance, if he is home late after being out with friends- I used to get REALLY ANGRY and we’d end up in a fight, but I realized that I was insecure and that a lot of the anger was from my childhood, anger at my father for all the times he was late (in picking me up, in child support payments, etc). In my mind, being late equalled he doesn’t love me. Now, I am at the point where I can step back and say to myself, “Wait a mintue. This isn’t a big deal, I’m upset because of [whatever] from my childhood.” And it defuses my anger at my husband.

I am also dealing with intimacy. My husband and I have been married almost a year, we’ve been together for about 4 years. I find that I still have problems trusting him sometimes, and that sometimes I tend to shut him out emotionally when I’m having a rough time. When the terrorist attacks happened, I was a total mess, and I really pulled inside myself. After a couple day my husband said, “You’re not really talking to me or touching me or even acknowledging me- what’s up?” And I realized that I had gone into myself because that’s what I used to do as a child, to protect myself. Sometimes it’s really scary to realize how much I love him, and to make myself be present in the relationship. Because in the past, the people I loved and trusted were the ones who hurt me. It’s scary to open yourself up to someone.

Anyway, keep up the therapy. You might want to check out some websites that deal with trauma:
http://www.sidran.org has a lot of stuff for sexual abuse survivors, and some good links. There’s also a national organization for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder but I can’t think of the website address! Feel free to e-mail me if you want to chat more. It’s good sometimes to talk to others who know what you have been through.

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I’m in therapy now, and have been off and on (mostly off, but “on” during my worst times) for the last couple of years. I’ve been going consistently, though, for the last year, and it is helping a lot.
I know it seems like an awfully long time to be dealing with something like this, but this is sort of how it broke down:
It took place during my teenage years. The abduction/assault when I was about 14, the molestations prior to that.
Then there were many many years of denial. I was about 25 before I even admitted out loud that “someone in Florida beat me up once,” and I stayed right there for quite a few more years.
Finally, when I was 32 or so, I started suddenly having a hard time coping. I was teaching high school students–one of them was the rape victim of another student. These were kids I’d worked with for years, and it was incredibly triggering for me to work with them–especially the rapist–on a daily basis. A minister/counselor (one who specializes in working with survivors) confronted me (gently) at the school where I taught. And thus began my journey.

Denial can carry you for a long, long time. I’m 36 now. It has only been in the past couple of years that I was able to even understand and admit to myself that I was actually sexually assaulted.

That first year, I focused on just getting through the panic attacks, the fear, the depression–all the really debilitating stuff. Now I am much better, but am just discovering all of these illogical/superstitious thought processes that I need to work on. They aren’t debilitating, but they are not healthy ways to function, so I’m trying to recognize them and get them worked out.

Thanks.
~k

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Thank you, Lamia. I’m in counseling and it is tremendously helpful.
I’m just amazed at how much of my behavior is related to my experience. I never thought of myself as hypervigilant, and I never considered how the way I dress reflects if I’m feeling victimized at the moment, etc.
So now I’m busy examining my beliefs, my thought processes, and my behaviors…I don’t want my life ruled by this trauma, but it’s insidious and takes form in so many small ways.
I have a lot of support from my husband and my community as well. Because I do public poetry readings with my poetry workshop group, I think I have become known as “that rape-poem lady” among certain groups. Reading a poem about it sure does make the world a quiet place for a few moments, but afterward I know that it has touched people, and that helps me too.
~k

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Although I am not a rape victim, one of my ex-girlfriends was. Hers was a very brutal rape/assault, which left her in the hospital. The criminal in question? Her ex-fiancee.

Dealing with her emotional problems was very difficult for me, mainly because hearing what she went through made me extremely furious and hateful towards the perp. As much as I may not have wanted to listen to the pain and fears and the mental trauma, I knew that it was the only way for me to be able to help. With that knowledge, I did try to be more understanding and helpful everyday that we were together. But together we were able to overcome much of the mental trauma. She learned to trust men again, and eventually to enjoy making love. She now lives a somewhat normal life, without the fears and distrust and selfworth problems that had plagued her earlier in her life. But it was a long road.

To you, Karol, I must say that I am very happy to hear that you are lucky enough to have a loving and understanding spouse who may help you along the way. I wish you the best.
I know that the black scare will never completely heal. But I hope that you find the peace that was stolen from you.
May God Bless You.
Roy

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Wow, moggy, I couldn’t have put it better myself. I have the same types of intimacy issues…when I’m fine, great…when I’m not fine, I am so “gone” from the moment that it is scary. I can become so dissociated so quickly, and it can be really difficult to pull out of it.
I think you’ll find having a baby healing too. I knew that I would love my baby girl, of course, because I’d had the boys already…but I was still worried, and I had no idea that it would actually be a healing experience for me. To see this perfect little thing so at ease in her own body, and the pleasure she takes in being bathed and patted and all those baby-things…it is truly amazing and enlightening. My therapist keeps saying, “You were like that once…just because you don’t remember doesn’t mean it didn’t happen,” and I have to admit that she is right. It’s a nice thing to know…that I was once that healthy, and can be again.
Thanks for the link, too–I’ll check it out today if I can, and will probably drop you a private email.

Roy, thank you for your kind words and thoughts. Your girlfriend was lucky to be involved with someone who was willing to go through that experience with her. It has to be incredibly hard to be the partner of someone who is going through this. My husband is very understanding and supportive, and his presence is very healing for me.

I’m so touched by everyone’s support. It helps, and I bet there are others reading this who aren’t ready to talk, but still find it helpful too.
~k

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I notice slightly better emotional recovery from women who proscute the offender than those who do not. Also, those who prosecute immediately do better than those who wait. You can chime in on your thoughts on this, of course.

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As a child I was molested by two older cousins, then raped at age 11 by a third. Like bodypoet, it took a long time for me to admit to myself, let alone to others, that I had been a victim. I still find fallout from these memories creeping into my relationships today. I have a history of distrusting kindness and building emotional walls to distance myself from strong emotions. I’ve recognized that my choices in men (usually “bad-boy” types who bring me little but aggravation and misery) quite possibly stem from my self-image issues related to these childhood events. I don’t deserve to be treated well, so why be attracted to a nice man who might do just that, right?
It’s so hard to stop these patterns, even after acknowledging them. Like anything else you experience in your life, abuse and assault become part of who you are. I love classic cars because my father is a nut for them and I completely freak if someone tries to cover my mouth with their hand because that was what he did. Both are aspects of my personality rooted in experience. Is one less legitimate because it sprang from a fearful moment rather than a happy one? I for one don’t believe so.

However, I’ve also tried very hard to keep in context the fact that even if I WAS, at one time, a victim, the only one who can keep me in that role today is myself. I’ve had hundreds of beautiful, joyful days in my life–I refuse to let a dozen bad days overshadow them.

bella

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The man who molested me (he was a teenager at the time) is long gone…I have no idea where he is and wouldn’t push for prosecution at this point. My parents still have no idea any of this happened, and I am not ready to discuss it with them.
The man who abducted and assaulted me…no idea who or where he is now. His name is Tom and he was in Florida…guess that doesn’t narrow it down much, huh?

Unfortunately, at the time I was so naive and so scared and victimized that it never occurred to me to even tell anyone, much less go to the authorities. It makes me wonder how many kids (or adults) go through this type of nightmare and never tell a soul.

I don’t know how helpful it is, emotionally, to prosecute. My guess is, if the guy gets some kind of sentence that is deemed worthwhile by the victim, maybe she feels vindicated. If he walks–an all-too-likely scenario, unfortunately–her feelings might be completely different.
~k

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From the crazy end of the spectrum.

I was raped 13 years ago (holy christ…thirteen years ago) and I feel guilty or wrong sometimes because I got over it so quickly.

I never told anyone it happened, never pressed any charges or anything, because I wasn’t physically harmed. I was held down and threatened and he covered my mouth with his hand and I told him I didn’t want to do it and I was crying and he said to think about something else because it was going to hurt (and it did)…but he didn’t hit me or bruise me or anything. He just had sex with me against my will and took me home.

I felt horrible. I felt dirty and disgusting and like I’d failed at something. He told me that if I ever told anyone he would tell my parents that I was a whore who slept with dozens of guys. He took naked pictures of me and threatened to show them to my family. I was completely helpless in the situation. I had a sister to be a role model to.

He was my boyfriend, and when I broke up with him, he DID tell my parents I was a whore and they believed him. If I said he raped me, I doubt they would have believed me. My mother and father both cried and I cried, knowing they’d been lied to. But they forgave me and they assured me that I was still their daughter and they still loved me and our relationship was wonderful after that.

But you know what? I still love to have sex. I still love to be submissive in sex. I love my husband without restraint, I trust him, I admire him, I will do anything for him and he’ll do the same for me.

And from time to time I feel guilty about that. There are women and girls in the world who go through things fifty thousand times worse than what I went through and they struggle their whole lives just to feel normal and I got off so easily. That’s not fair, is it? And why do I get to feel fine? Maybe I’m not right to classify what happened as rape. Maybe I’m just being dramatic.

I don’t know. I still think about it, but I’d rather not.

jar

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jar - dictionary definition. No, you’re not being dramatic.

IANAAny sort of professional or expert here, but I think everyone reacts to such things differently, and it’s no use beating yourself up over the way you’ve ogtten over it or not gotten over it.

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[QUOTE]
Originally posted by jarbabyj *
** I felt horrible. I felt dirty and disgusting and like I’d failed at something…<snip> My mother and father both cried and I cried, knowing they’d been lied to. But they forgave me and they assured me that I was still their daughter and they still loved me and our relationship was wonderful after that.*

[QUOTE]

Oh jarbaby. What a horrible experience for you. What I see is someone who did suffer and did go through terrible things, just like most everyone who is abused or assaulted. The fact that you feel okay now is not anything to feel bad or guilty about. You went through your own version of hell to get where you are, and you have earned every iota of your happiness.

Nope. What happened to you was rape, and don’t let yourself get away with minimizing it. It was traumatizing, and your responses at the time were appropriate for what you were going through. Your responses NOW are appropriate too…if you have integrated this into your history in a healthy way, and aren’t suffering anymore, that is a wonderful and joyous thing, and you should NOT feel guilty.
It doesn’t sound to me like you go off easily, though, jar. You were obviously traumatized, and you obviously have vivid memories of what happened to you…and you have had to work to get through it, it sounds like. But it is so incredibly easy for us to minimize our own traumas–I’m an expert in it myself. When I worked with rape victims in my classes, I could always minimize my own experience, because it wasn’t as “bad” as what some of them endured.
But you know what? It was bad enough. If I find that I am still remembering it some 20 years later, it had to have been plenty bad. It doesn’t have to be the worst experience ever, in order for it to be plenty bad.
When I talked to my counselor about this, he asked me how long was I with the man who abducted me? I said, “Only about five hours,” thinking to myself, what a wuss–five hours out my life and I’m still being a baby about it, etc…all those negative things we feel about ourselves. His response was: “And you know what? I bet it was the longest five hours of your life, wasn’t it?” That’s when I realized that yep…it was, and it was awful enough, and I have a right to be sad and mad and upset and scared about it.
Maybe you were able to come to terms with it more quickly than some people. You seem to have a good relationship with your parents and a great relationship with your dh, and that must be tremendously helpful. Also, (I have NO scientific proof of this) maybe recovery from a single incident is a different road then recovery from a series of incidents or different situations. I think there are many, many factors that come into play and that affect recovery.

It’s okay to think about it, even if you don’t want to. I feel like that’s part of the process, and maybe it’s an indication that you are somehow still healing.

Here is what I learned to ask myself, courtesy of another counselor. He asked me if I had ever been sexually abused or assaulted. I was still in denial, and answered, “No, not really.” He told me to look at it another way: If your experience happened to your child or your sibling, what would you call it? Would you consider it sexual assault or abuse then?
It gave me a whole new perspective, and made it much more difficult for me to deny what happened.

Thanks, jarbaby. I was hoping we’d hear from you. You’re doing great, and you should not feel guilty about what happened to you or how you are coping now. Be healthy and rejoice in it. Hugs.
~k

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In my opinion from extensive discussion with victims that during the assault the woman sometimes seperates from her body emotionally. She is there & can see what’s happening be she has seperated herself from what is happening. Later, as an adult when she has sex, she can seperate the emotions from sex. It’s really weird thing to describe; but I have seen it a lot in practice. Some of my friends can’t understand how someone can seperate sex from emotions. But if you are feeling this way as an adult, it’s not your imagination.