I’d like to know what psychological after effects rape and sexual assault victims tend to suffer from and how they handle them.
For example, I presume that a fair number of rape victims are more fearful of men or of being in certain situations with men. How do they handle that?
Is sexual contact liable to bring flashbacks? If so, how do rape victims handle this problem?
Do you mean handshake rape?
It depends entirely on the person and the circumstances of their assault/rape. How old and sexually mature were they at the time? Was it a one-time incident or did it repeat? Was violence or a weapon involved? Were they able to get away from their assaulter, or were they forced to keep spending time with that person over a period of months or years? Were they able to tell someone about it at the time, or did they have to keep it secret for a long time?
As far as some of the commonalities, PTSD is a common side-effect that tends to get worse the longer a victim goes untreated. Nightmares, flashbacks, insomnia, depression, anxiety, extraordinarily low self-esteem, self-loathing, self-harm, suicide attempts, extreme shyness, a propensity to get into unhealthy relationships later in life, and even obesity (there’s a strong correlation between childhood sexual abuse and obesity in adulthood) may all be part of a victim’s daily life. Maybe some of these things, maybe all of them–it depends!
My abuser was my father and I was only 11 when it started, so I was forced to maintain a normal relationship with him in public and in the eyes of other immediate family until I was 18 (I have since cut him off as part of my recovery process–it helped). I’d have taken the secret to my grave, if my mother hadn’t inadvertently guessed what happened over a decade later. Living a double life as a kid made me, frankly, pretty fucking crazy. When I noticed the boyfriends I gravitated to in adulthood were never good for me (and rarely very good people at all), I decided to stop dating. I’m currently voluntarily celibate, because not having sex makes me feel better than having crappy sex with the inconsiderate people I tend to date (I believe there’s something to be said for victims of childhood sexual abuse re-enacting their abuse in adulthood). I decided I don’t want to be stuck in that cycle, so I broke it by opting out of the dating world entirely until I am better. I’ve also decided to never have children, because I don’t want to risk passing on my dad’s fucked-up genes to another generation–I have reason to believe that his father may have abused him when he was a child, so that’s a legitimate concern. I also have an ongoing problem with decision-making. I doubt myself constantly, and tend to seek approval for life decisions of any magnitude. I can’t just decide, “I think I should move now!” I need to ask people, “Do you think I should move? Are my concerns legitimate?”
I’m doing better than I was a few years ago, because I’ve made concerted efforts to fix myself (aided by things like moodgym, books, my sister, meditation, & abuse survivor forums online), but I haven’t been able to bring myself to seek therapy yet. I’ve had such terrible interactions with doctors in the past, and I’m terrified at the possibility of not being believed by a therapist. That would cause me to lose a lot of what ground I *have *managed to gain. But the end goal for any victim is therapy, and possibly (if they’re depressed/anxious) medication.
I’d like to know how common the decisions to never have children (except maybe via adoption) and to avoid dating and relationships (because a person is unconsciously attracted to people who recreate the abuse) are. Are those aberrations or are those common coping tactics?
As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I’d say I coped very poorly during the first few years. The worst part of it for me were the loss of my adopted father as well as the lack of support I received from my family when the secret finally got out. I had recently legally emancipated. I was totally out of control of the situation, just trying to talk to a therapist who swore I had full confidentiality since I was out of the house, but she didn’t know the law so she had to report it. Then the police came to my door and it was just a mess.
The experience of everyone’s reactions pretty much shattered my faith in God and, for a long time, humanity. I was blamed for what happened and accused of being a liar, and assumed to be insane. I would go into the bathroom at school and cry every day. I thought of suicide every day. The only thing that kept me going was the idea of getting out of that difficult place and starting a new life in college.
I didn’t actually start experiencing flashbacks until I was about 18, in college. The first time it happened I had no idea what was going on. When they come on, I am overwhelmed by the need to get away. I try to escape. Go in the bathroom or under the covers or in a closet or something. But the sad thing is you can’t get away from a flashback. My flashbacks were probably a little different than what people imagine - for me they wouldn’t be associated with a specific memory (since it happened so many times, I guess), more like an overall emotional impression and unpleasant physical sensations/impressions of the abuse.
My PTSD was a serious detriment to my sexual relationship with my husband, and to a certain extent, still is. I don’t have as many flashbacks any more but there were so many years of anxiety and hardship around sex that I get very anxious in the bedroom. There were times we would go months without sex. It’s better now, but we probably have sex far less than the average couple.
I’m not really sure what else. It was a deeply personal betrayal for me. I loved my father, he was my Dad for all intents and purposes, and I worshipped the ground he walked on. When I finally was able to face what he had done, it was like he died. I still miss him. I still think of him. He’s alive somewhere but I know he never was the man I thought he was. It was hard to realize that my Daddy was actually pretty much a sociopath who manipulated and exploited people for personal gain (not just me, other examples too.) It didn’t help that he was my Mom’s fourth husband and yet another father figure who had let me down hard.
I’ll also add that my experience of sexual abuse, while frequent and ongoing for years, was pretty mild compared to what a lot of people go through. Yet it still fucked me royally in the head. He pitted me and my Mother against each other all the time, trying to make her jealous, and she had some clue what was going on and mostly took it out on me… it was like some horrible love triangle from hell. So the severity of abuse isn’t always a predictor of how much it’s going to affect someone. For me it was compounded by the fact that I was blamed for tearing my family apart, and then pressurd into continuing a relationship with him - it came out at 17 and my Mom didn’t divorce him until I was 23. He was never held accountable.
It has taken about ten years to really heal from this. Prolonged exposure therapy helped with the PTSD significantly, and getting my MSW helped restore my faith in humanity. But it took a long time, and I’m probably more cynical than not. And I still have nightmares.
I will say one thing about relationships - I never developed a grudge against or fear of men. I get anxious when I’m alone with men my abuser’s age (for instance, my father-in-law) but I’ve never gone through a phase where I wanted nothing to do with guys. I’ve always quite liked guys and generally trusted them. And I’ve always wanted to adopt kids, particularly give a home to kids who have been through similar stuff.
It’s 20+ yeras later and I still find it extremely hard to trust anyone. I still have night terrors - I sleepwalk when I’m very anxious and I sometimes have panic attacks.
Er, not to be a PC nazi, but typically the term “rape survivors” is preferred over “rape victims”. Generally anything you can do to break out of the victim-mentality is encouraged, and the difference one word makes is pretty big.
I can’t say for certain what effect it has on future relationships, but I don’t think becoming fearful of the gender of your abuser is as common as it’s made out to be. My abuser was my mother, and somehow the gay gene still kicked in. If anything could possibly make me not like women, that would’ve. Then again, I think of her more as a corpulent blob of pure evil and grossness than a woman.
Maybe it’s different if the abuser is male because of societal conditioning? I don’t know. I know that for me, I got very anxious around authority figures, and the more stereotypically “motherly” they were the more scared I got- but some of the men I’d deemed more “motherly” than some of the women. And my definition of motherness was a little weird- like, since haranguing and tirades struck me as mothering traits, I would have thought your typical hollywood drill instructor more motherly than your typical schoolteacher. Actual biological motherhood didn’t factor into the equation at all- sweet-natured young mothers didn’t scare me a bit.
I was very suspicious of anyone who commented on my appearance, and even more so if the comments were positive. Hairstylists used to scare me to death, and to this day I’m having difficulty working up to being able to put my hair up for the job I want without freaking out. Anyone else touching my hair gets an immediate, reflexive punch.
Sex is almost never a problem. Partly this is that none of my partners remind me of my mother visually- the vast majority of women don’t, in fact, even if they’re a similar age and weight. But partly it’s because I know I’m being seen either as a good end to a good night, or as a potential keeper, both of which are miles away from how I believe my mother saw me.
But sex or none, I have some issues around sharing a bed. I can’t climb into bed if someone else is already lying there, especially if they’re awake. And if I go to sleep alone and wake up to find someone in the bed, I flip out. This is no matter who it is. I have to get in first, then watch the other person get in, then I can finally go to sleep.
I also cannot stand being given any kind of nickname, or called any kind of cutesy domestic variations of my name. This seems to be the main killer in terms of flashback, triggered avoidance, etc. Once someone’s done that, I can’t bring myself to even think of having sex with them ever again. I had one girlfriend that I tried very hard to work past it with, but after several months she still wasn’t getting any and finally up and left.
A former acquaintance of mine had had a boyfriend for a year or so who emotionally abused her at 15, and while he didn’t outright rape her he goaded her into having unwanted sex and continually convinced her to skip out on protection, not giving a shit about her fears of teen pregnancy. When I met her at 17 she was convinced she never, ever wanted to date, screw, kiss, or even assess the attractiveness of anyone of either gender ever again.
Far more common (in situations where you knew your abuser), I think, is an aversion to things the abuser wanted for you- from things as minor as wearing this or that to as major as graduate school. The girl I mentioned before avoided particular words, phrases, games and eating habits (fork vs hands kind of stuff) that reminded her most of him, and it took about 6 months of my being her confidante and sort-of-mentor before she’d mention him by name as opposed to saying “my ex”.
my assault is still very fresh to me at least. I had a history of poor coping habits before this happened so it is no surprise to anyone that I am not coping well now. I have regular meltdowns (triggered by various things including flashbacks). Any sort of sexual content sets me off as does physical contact with men (I’m fine as long as no one touches me). I cannot go outside at night. I have trouble walking long distances by myself. I am giving up my studies because there are too many places for someone to hide at my college (and the whole meltdown and distracted thing happening). I have developed a bath phobia (he had a bath here) sometimes I can bathe and sometimes not. It all happened in my spare room, I have difficulty going in there.
The phobia stuff I deal with by avoidance, same with flashbacks and meltdowns.
The thing causing me the most problems is the possibility that I have an std. I have to wait to see the doc. I am not waiting calmly.
gotta stop getting stressed
I think for most people who have been sexually assaulted, the results are similar to what you are hearing from olivesmarch14th, rachelellogram, Imago, Missy2U and madrabbitwoman above. I was a victim (or am a survivor) of acquaintance rape by 2 male friends at the age of 14, and it has had no measurable effect on me. I wasn’t even aware that what had occurred would be classified as rape until I was well into adulthood, and I simply haven’t had any emotions about it since I came to that realization. AFAIK it has not had any impact on my relationships with men or my sexual health. Hell, I’ve suffered more trauma from what most of you call “normal life” than I ever did from that sexual assault.
I suspect that my reaction is due to being already at age 14 pretty much disconnected from emotion. I didn’t think of myself as having been deeply violated because I was unreachable. Whatever caused me to have this kind of reaction is a blessing (if one believes in such things), because I wouldn’t want to have to undergo the pain experienced by the posters I mentioned above. I think if I’d had to feel that kind of torment I would long ago have been pining for the fjords.
I’m afraid that more than once in the last two months I have actively wished that the son of a bitch had had the decency to kill me.
Suffered from depression for years. Nowadays, not so much, what with therapy and drugs.
Having a problem being with men would make my life a living hell - thankfully, I don’t have this problem…
Nope, not ever.
There’s a very strong link between sexual abuse and obesity. It’s very common for abuse survivors to regard eating as a substitute for intimacy, and create a layer of fat as “armor.”
And by the way, this issue is not specific to women; it applies to many of us guys as well.
With the exception of the problems making decisions, this. I am no longer voluntarily celibate (it happens to be involuntary at the moment, but I think that’s ending soon ;)), but I also noticed the trail of broken relationships and saw that I was the lowest common denominator. I tend to be attracted to men who are indifferent to my needs and/or treat me with sort of benign neglect – because that is what is “normal” to me and is what “feels right.” My higher thinking brain knows that’s messed up, but my lizard brain doesn’t protest when a guy treats me like I don’t really matter to him. It just seems normal to me because my parents treat me – and the whole abuse issue thing – like I don’t matter. When the abuse came out in the wash, I was blamed and punished for it by my church, which perpetuated a whole other set of issues. I have to make myself leave a relationship when I realized I’m being treated with indifference. I am uncomfortable with men who are nice to me or considerate of my needs/concerns/wants. I’m suspicious of ulterior motives because nobody was nice to me in childhood unless they wanted something from me. I, too, vowed to never have children (or even marry) because, despite lots of therapy on and off over the years, there is no way to tell what unaddressed issues will come up that would turn out to be really unhealthy for my non-existent children. I’ll consider myself really fortunate and mostly recovered if I can manage a long-term healthy relationship with someone who treats me like I matter. And by long-term, I mean more than a year.
Someone I know is extremely fucked up. She was raped (meaning stranger raped) in a dentist’s office. She didn’t tell her parents but they found out somehow. They ummm took care of it. But it was kept on the very down low, and she didn’t even go to therapy until about six years after it happened. She stopped therapy b/c she picked up that her mommy thought it wasn’t that big of a deal, and she absolutly cannot think for herself.
Right after it happened, she had a very fucked up attitude towards sex, and slept around with random guys (of course a lot of that was self medicating to make herself feel better about having no friends)
I know another woman who slept around after being raped…and a developmentally disabled girl who still doesn’t understand that the thing that manipulated her was not her boyfriend. (she is majorly boy crazy even thou her idea of a boyfriend is at an early elementary school level)
oh and just to add… I do think the first girl in my exaple really needs intense therapy, but unfortuantly refuses to admit it. I suggested that she look into intense therapy like the kind for survivors of sexual abuse but she totally lashed out…ah gawd.
My brother-in-law once told me that my father was forever an presence in their bedroom. My other sister went though a long period of very promiscuous behavior which wouldn’t surprise me if there was a connection between that and my father molesting her.
For me, it was just one more of many events which happened in my childhood.
From what I’ve read of PTSD, there does seem to be a difference between single trauma events and prolonged or repeated events, as well as the age when the trauma occurred.
The reactions written here by various posters seems fairly typical from what I’ve experienced, heard and read about.
In my case, at first you grit your teeth and bear it, and avoid situations wherever humanly possible. I had a lot of problems being alone with men for decades afterwards, or in a tight place such as a crowded elevator, subway, bus seat, and sometimes on airplanes (a car was no problem, oddly). Men with a specific “look” still bother me a little and get my “Spidey senses” up.
Examples of avoidance strategies would be, say, seeing an elevator arrive with a couple of large men inside, and I would pretend my phone was buzzing and wave them to continue on, while I held the phone up to my head and looked for stairs. Planning where I sat on the plane or choosing only First class seats to allow me to have more room. Never going out on my own, even to eat. Avoiding crowded malls and stores.
I once had a panic attack when I was in my hotel room at a technical conference, and a client of mine who happened to be attending the same conference knocked on my door and sort of “moved” his way into my room, acting very suspiciously in body language and poise and facial expression, saying he wanted to talk “about things,” while filling the interior hall between me and my door. I felt trapped and started to get this definite “flight” reflex, my heart started to race, my knees actually felt wobbly, and my hands trembled. But I had some reserve of courage, and I thought quick, and lied to him that I was expecting someone else, said “oh, there they are now” and pushed past him to open the door. There of course was no one out there, but there was a hotel employee, who I grabbed and dragged in to complain about the “bad reception” on the TV. While a very confused room service guy was telling me he didn’t know nothin’ bout no TVs, the client got exasperated and left. Later that night someone knocked again, and I stayed put, not even approaching the door. Evidence I received later indicated that he did not have business in mind that night.
I’m a different person now. Six years of sports plus getting on two years of martial arts have made me much more confident and physically stronger. Sure I’m still small, but a large amount of what’s there is bone and muscle now. Psychologically I’m much more used to being hit, even grappling with “armed” individuals.
Although yes, it still impacts me, from time to time. A while back, a few months, I faced off against a large man, about 2-3 times my size, who, although I was a much better swordfighter than he, he physically reminded me enough of…the bad times…I guess that could be a flashback of sorts? - that I was faltering and, to be honest, terrified, and almost lost the match. It was hard to even hold my weapon and my hands were shaking. Somehow I pulled myself together, and got this burst of energy and, well, rage, and I won the match but was hitting him so hard I ended up hurting him (not too seriously) as a result, which made me feel bad. He described it as “halfway through you turned into a killing machine.”
I didn’t have any sexual contact until nearly a decade ex post facto, so I had some time to heal. No “flashbacks” but other problems. Once my ex-SO and I were having a bedtime “wrestle” and I was pinned and panicked as a result. It was very, very difficult for another decade. For a long time I could have given up sex completely and not really cared. It wasn’t until I found my perfect match (Fierra) nearly 10 years ago that I was healed.
I had an experience like that when I was in college, with an acquaintance who had no concept of personal space. I started avoiding him and when he called me out on it, I told him the truth. That was in 2001. We just celebrated our six year wedding anniversary.
Point being - PTSD and fulfilling relationships are not mutually exclusive. 
My ex used to have post-coital conversion events. You’d think it was a grand mal seizure if you didn’t know better. They got less frequent over time.