A question about rape and significant others

In My Humble Opinion
1

I realize this is a sensitive question, and please know that I mean no offense to anyone in the asking. The question comes from a hypothetical discussion I was involved in recently.

I have never had any conversations with anyone who has been a victim of rape about their ordeal, but I have read some about it here and in other places. One of the aspects I’ve never run across, however, has been the impact that being raped has on any romantic relationship the victim may have been involved in at the time. I was asked how I’d react, and I answered that my best guess is that I’d also feel traumatized if it happened to a woman I loved. I also guessed that it would possibly create a mental hurdle for me to overcome in our sex life for reasons that I wasn’t able to really explain – it was just the sense I had – and that I’d probably have to seek my own counseling to overcome this idea I have that someone has violated my SO this way.

It was pointed out to me that this means that I’m basically saying that I’d be treating the woman I loved as now being “tainted” by something she bore no responsibility for, and how unfair that is to her. And I actually agree with that characterization – I can only vaguely imagine how much worse it would feel for someone who was victimized to then have their own spouse or significant other treat them differently. Reading my own words, it sounds like I’m saying that my SO is some piece of property that has now lost value, and that makes me feel awful. But, again, my answer is based on a hypothetical that I have no experience with at all – I hope that I’m wrong about having that reaction (and I also hope I never need to find out).

So I’m wondering if anyone here has gone through this (or knows someone who has) from either the victim side or the SO side who is willing to talk about what the romantic relationship has gone through under such horrible circumstances.

2

I don’t think you need to apologize for the post, or for thinking the way you do. My sense is that, on some primal level or such, that there is a sense of “taintedness”; this would explain, in part, the punishment of women in some countries after a rape has occurred along with the loss in value as a sort of “property” - but that loss of value derives from a perception of her being tainted.

My ex was a victim of only attempted rape/sexual assault at one point (thankfully) while we were together. Sex was out of the question for both of us for a while; the guy got his hands all over her before she got away, and she was uncomfortable with any physical intimacy for a few weeks (mutual attempts were just plain awkward).

On my part, I was pissed at this complete stranger (to the point of actually considering a quiet hit job). I think that’s probably somewhat understandable to most.

I was also pissed at her for a) refusing to call the police (I worked with law enforcement folks at the time, and firmly believe/believed that this mofo should be locked up; this isn’t something that someone does once). B) In this particular instance, I was pissed at her for being in the situation in the first place and not recognizing the risk.

All of this, I suppose, ultimately contributed ultimate mess that lead to our unhappy dissolution, although took place a few years later under pretty unpleasant circumstances.

3

I have never had a conversation with a female other than my mother that touched upon this subject in which she did not reveal multiple molestations and/or rapes, and that includes every woman I have ever dated.

In other words, AFAIK, it is so common so as to be expected, and not discussed due to politeness, unless you are at that level of intimacy.

4

Wait, what … ? Are you saying RAPE is “so common as to be expected” or am I mis-reading your post in some way?

If I’m not mis-reading, then, pardon my asking, but what kind of hellhole do you live in?

5

No, but molestation is. Most women have been molested at some time in their lives.

6

We need to properly define “rape” before discussing it. Some extreme feminist-types define all sex as rape; others require a more forceful act, like at gunpoint. Which definition is being used here?

ETA: We may have to define “molestation” as well.

7

And a further problem is that people tend to mix up “consent” and “want it”. I usually catch some heat for pointing out that just because she didn’t want it doesn’t mean she didn’t give consent. If you want to say that most women have been touched when they didn’t really want it, then I’ll agree with that, I guess. But if you think that “most women”, meaning >50%, have said “no” and got molested anyway, then I’m going to disagree there.

8

Yes, that is what I am saying- either rape or molestation is so common as to be expected in any female with whom I have had a face to face conversation on the subject- and there have been hundreds.

Every single one of my significant others has been so treated.

The only woman EVER to state that she had NOT been molested or raped in such a conversation was my mother.

I have lived in seven states in the USA.

9

I did not mean, nor do I wish, to start a debate about the definition of rape. For the purposes of my question, it only matters that the two people involved in the romantic relationship believe that one of them was a victim of rape, however they choose to define that. I’m hoping to gain some insight into how that event impacts the romantic aspect of their relationship.

10

Jesus, where do you meet women at? Outside support groups?

11

It’s hard to even talk about, and I have never been raped. I have been molested, however, and certain things do bring back those kinds of memories. If someone touches me in the same way, or if I feel too trapped in someone’s arms, or if someone rubs me a certain way. And that’s just from molestation! And it was minor, so I have mostly shrugged it off.
I can * totally* understand how it would extend to rape…being raped once, and then every time someone tries to have sex with you you feel that same sense of powerlessness and frustration and betrayal (in my case it was someone very close to me, someone I should have been able to trust at all times).

I’m a girl, of course. For any decent guy, I would think the thing that springs to their mind is - every time I touch her, do I remind her of that jerk? Does she act like it?

12

I think molestation, sexual assault and rape is a lot more common then people think. I was molested when I was about 7, and raped when I was 18. Many of my friends have been sexually assaulted or raped (I’d guess about six of my current friends).

Rape doesn’t always mean it was at gunpoint by a stranger. It can mean date rape, and in my case, it happened when I was drunk and passed out and a male friend took advantage of the situation without my consent.

13

Asimovian, as a woman, I can say that I do not think for a moment that your stance (that you might need counseling, too) means that you are ‘blaming’ your partner for what happened; how you project that you would feel would certainly fall into some sub-category of PTSD. If I were raped, my husband would certainly be angry enough to sustain some emotional trauma. That doesn’t mean he’s blaming me. It simply means he’s so pissed about the situation that he doesn’t know what to do with that anger.

Hell, I was molested as a girl. In the early days of our relationship, my hubby actually interacted with the sub-human who molested me. However, he didn’t know the extent of the abuse until after the sub-human was already dead (may he rot in hell); even at that point, my then-boyfriend was angry that he hadn’t known the extent of the abuse while the abuser was still alive, so he could kick the shit out of him.

14

Can you give an example of someone not wanting sex but giving consent? Do you mean someone not saying anything, for example?

15

Okay, I was one of the posters who has publicly acknowledged and discussed my rapes (three of them, for those of you have haven’t read the Ask The Rape Victim thread).

The first time, I was too young to even be in a relationship so that is non sequitur.

The second time was a Statutory Rape and is also not related as it WAS sort of a relationship in-and-of-itself.

The third time I was in a relationship and my boyfriend broke up with me shortly after that. He couldn’t handle what had had happened to me and was not able to continue in a supportive relationship.

In a way, I suppose I have been scarred ever since…

16

An example that comes to mind would be a woman having sex with her husband/boyfriend to cheer him up even though she isn’t in the mood. Or she’s fulfilling her half of a “you indulge my fantasy and I’ll indulge yours” exchange. Or she’s providing sex when her boyfriend wants it and she doesn’t, because he’s done the same for her when she’s in the mood and he isn’t. Or she’s sleeping with some guy to enhance her career or outright prostitution.

17

Haven’t been raped. Was sexually abused by two stepfathers; the last incident occurred less than a year prior to meeting my husband. It has affected our relationship since day one, as I had a full-fledged panic attack when he kissed me. Let’s just say up front he knew what he was getting into, eh? At the time, he said, and I quote, ‘‘I will be happy for the rest of my life if all we ever get to do is hold hands.’’ So naive in retrospect.

What can I say? It wreaked havoc on our sex life. For years we just avoided any sexual engagement at all, because the early attempts were really upsetting for both of us. We tried various types of counseling over the years with little success. Now that I have been treated properly for PTSD, the flashback effects are mostly gone, which means the root issue has essentially been removed. I no longer associate sex with abuse.

But old habits die hard–we are used to not having sex so have to make it an active, scheduled part of life. I still have significant anxiety around having sex because I am afraid everything is going to fall apart like it used to. With exposure (meaning regular sexual contact) I am getting over it, but we still have a number of hurdles to cross together. I can’t tell you how difficult it is to hear conversations about sex (or threads like this) in which sexual activity is taken for granted and a given between loving partners. How am I supposed to feel knowing that the average person cannot fathom being in a relationship like mine and would not even consider it?

He hasn’t expressed any feelings of resentment or anger about what happened, or expressed violence toward my abusers; he’s not that guy. He has never pressured me or tried to make me feel guilty or implied in any way that it was my fault. He has never been anything other than 100% supportive and I know that I am incredibly lucky in that regard (either that or I’m just more awesome than sex ;).) We made a commitment that it wouldn’t affect the rest of our relationship and it never has.

Nevertheless, my PTSD has taken a tremendous toll on him personally. He doesn’t really feel he can talk to anyone about it because it is such a sensitive issue. He doesn’t want to talk to me about it because I already feel so terrible that the problem exists. I wouldn’t say he’s traumatized, but he is somewhat demoralized. He really had to sublimate his own desires and needs for a long time, and it’s not fair to him. The only time I am really angry at my abusers is when I think about how much pain it has caused my husband. I used to blame myself for this all the time – I can still hear people, in my head, reading this and blaming me for being such a terrible wife – but feeling responsible never changed a damned thing.

I’ll tell you what did. One of the best ways we found of coping with this issue is to externalize it, to view it as something we are both facing together, as a team. Dealing with trauma within a partnership is incredibly difficult. What it really comes down to, in my experience, is recognizing that you’re in a partnership. This isn’t a burden I carry, it’s a burden we carry. Just knowing that, and knowing that he knows that, makes all the difference in the world, to both of us.

If you’re interested, there is a wonderful, heartbreaking song that captures what it must be like to live with someone suffering from PTSD.

Relevant song lyrics.

*There is fire there is lust
Some will trade it all for someone they could trust
There’s a bag of silver for a box of nails
It’s so simple the betrayal
Though it’s known to change the world and what’s to come.

Just come on home, the team you’re hitched to has a mind of its own
But it’s just the forces of your past you’ve fought before
Don’t you recognize them anymore
I’m stacking sandbags against the river of your troubles*

18

Thanks, Anaamika, norinew and Fried Dough Ho. That’s the sort of thing I’m trying to get at.

If you are willing to discuss it, how quickly did that breakup happen after the rape? Did you feel like your boyfriend made an effort to be supportive at any point, or was he not even willing to try??

norinew, I think that I’d feel like I had to start counseling immediately. Even though my feelings in a situation like that might be understandable, I’m imagining it could build very quickly into a negative cycle where if I’m unable or unwilling to continue a healthy sexual relationship with her – if and when she reaches a point that SHE is willing to do so – that’s going to have serious repercussions for her. And I’d also guess that seeing the right counselor might help me understand some of what she would be dealing with before she’s able or willing to express those things herself.

19

Thank you, olives. That makes a lot of sense to me, and I’m sorry the road has been and continues to be a difficult one for you both. Are you able to guess how things might have been different for you had the trauma you suffered happened while you were with your husband, rather than before?

20

Well, I think it would have been harder. As I said before, he knew what was going on when he signed up. It’s one thing to know in advance what you’re committing to and another thing to just have everything fall apart at a moment’s notice. People get used to their routines, and they form relationship patterns, and they use those patterns to inform their identity. Any sudden disruption I think would be real shake-up.

It’s interesting you ask this question. I have written about 4/5ths of a novel that explores a man’s reaction to his girlfriend’s rape. It’s one of those completely out-of-nowhere things where the woman he views as the most stable and strong person in existence just temporarily falls apart. The way I wrote it, he completely loses his shit while his girlfriend does relatively well by comparison (this is in part due to differences in their upbringing and emotional well-being prior to the trauma.) He is consumed by rage and a sense of helplessness which further alienates his girlfriend at a time she most needs security and calm. I actually thought it might be a little provocative, writing about a woman who is relatively unscathed by the experience in contrast to her absolutely wrecked lover.

I honestly can’t even fathom it. Some of the worst experiences of my life have been watching helplessly while others suffer. I’m not even sure, given my options, I’d want to be on the other side of this.