The woman I’m dating, rather apprehensively, told me that she has borderline personality disorder (she takes meds). I’m going to talk about it with her but I’d like to get other people’s views.
If you have it, what is it like? If you know someone who has it, what should I know? I’m particularly interested in finding out what BPD is like within a relationship.
How was she diagnosed? Have you discussed how it manifests itself with her?
I’ve known people with Borderline Personality Disorder, and I’ve never known one to have a successful lasting relationship. I’m not saying it’s not possible, and I’m not an expert, but that’s been my experience. They either love you or hate you, and turmoil is pretty much constant. You might find yourself walking on eggshells every time you’re around her. As an example, a woman I went to school with attempted suicide (well, took an overdose) when I didn’t return her call. And we weren’t in a relationship.
Again, this is my experience only. If someone has had a successful relationship with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, I’d appreciate hearing about it.
Put on your seatbelt, a ride is coming up.
Wikipedia. Keep in mind that personality disorders are considered extremely hard to change. You say she is on meds, but I hope she is in psychotherapy, too.
How long have you been dating? It tends to manifest in a big way a bit in after little sign of BPD (unless you perhaps know what to look for). They’re all different. Some will flip out on you for the smallest reasons. Some will cry and threaten suicide. Some will cheat on you because they’re too comfortable in the relationship and need drama. We have no idea which she is. You’ll need to be patient. It sounds like she is worried how you might react, hence apprehension?
Good luck, to both of you.
Remember the sentences, “I hate you! Don’t leave me!”
That’s what living with a BPD person is like. To them, those sentences do not contradict each other.
From the perspective of dating someone with BDP, I think you have to keep your own boundaries firm and firmly in mind with her; if she’s not capable of having a healthy relationship with you, then you must move on - no pity dating because she has a condition. You can’t fix her, and you aren’t responsible for her happiness or her problems.
Are you dating her apprehensively, or did she tell you apprehensively?
Either way, good luck to ya.
RUN!
Get in your car and drive as far as it will go. Keep driving and keep putting gas in it until you’re penniless. When it breaks down for good, get out and run as far as your legs will take you. When you collapse, just keep crawling.
I am not kidding.
I’m not trying to add to the negative responses here, but this was my experience too. I lived with someone for three years with BPD; they went to therapy but chose not to take medications, so YMMV.
I decided to delete most of what I wrote, as I think this is the crux of it: It is an emotionally exhausting way to live. When I started hanging around normal people again, it was such a relief. I had forgotten what real humans were like. It is really hard to articulate how ridiculous and terrifying things can get over literally nothing with BPD, even after months of seemingly normal behavior from an otherwise beautiful, intelligent, and creative person.
If you really like this woman and she is in fact seeking treatment, I would tread carefully and see how it goes. Definitely discuss it with her and see if she has self-awareness, how severe it is, if she thinks her treatment has been working, how else she controls it, maybe if she has ever gotten physical about it, etc. Educate yourself about it as best as you can. Don’t lose your own social group, and listen to them if they bring up their concerns. Don’t ignore little red flags. (On edit: Actually, my personal feelings would be to not get emotionally involved (I wish I hadn’t), but I still would like to think modern medicine could help, so maybe it can for her.)
But be really aware that if she has outbursts or starts seeming off, you can’t fix it, you can’t control it, and it’s not your fault. If things get bad, they will get worse, sometimes in bizarre ways you can’t even imagine.
My Mom almost certainly has it. Made my life a living hell growing up.
It’s treatable. That didn’t used to be the case – it used to be the kiss of death for anyone diagnosed with it. Now we have Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, the first empirically supported treatment for BPD. Like the other personality disorders, Borderline is characterized by dysfunction within relationships, with the added fun of identity issues – BPD sufferers tend to have an unstable sense of self and engage in self-destructive behaviors: cutting, violence, suicide. The vast majority of people with BPD have suffered sexual trauma as children.
There was a great thread on this a while back – maybe my favorite thread of all time. I spoke extensively about my experiences there, as did many other posters. I have since done some research on the topic for graduate coursework. Let me know if you have any specific questions.
Mom was the ‘‘stereotypical’’ BPD but the reality is that it’s totally possible to have this diagnosis without being a psycho-bitch from hell. There are something like 54 different possible symptom combinations to qualify for diagnosis. So don’t assume your girlfriend will share these traits. In fact, it’s a pretty good sign that she is willing to admit she has a problem and in treatment for it.
I’m always torn about these threads, because even though I was really damaged by my mother’s illness, I don’t necessarily think it’s helpful to villanize people with this disorder. It is a mental illness and most people who have it are survivors of extensive trauma. I think it’s wrong to assume something malicious is at the root of these behaviors, even when they hurt others… the pain is real and deep. I try to think of my mother as a frightened little kid who threw tantrums whenever she felt threatened.
Someone’s read this book.
A good friend of mine was married to someone with BPD. It ended…well, “bad” and “terribly” aren’t strong enough. Let’s just say there was property damage and a night in the county jail.
Wonder what meds she’s on (could be anything from antidepressants to antipsychotic drugs to lithium to “other”).
<Monty Python>“Run away!!!”<MP>
Don’t stick your dick in the crazy!
I would agree with most of the other posters that are saying that you’re in for a bumpy ride. Please do read up on it, and at least know what you’re getting into.
While this is certainly good information to keep in mind, it’s been my professional and personal experience that people with personality disorders are the least likely to recognize their dysfunction, and the least like to get help, and the most likely to damage other people, than almost any other mental illness.
There’s being compassionate, and there’s protecting yourself, and the two are not mutually exclusive. From what you’ve posted about your mom, I think I’m safe in saying that you would not voluntarily choose a friendship with this woman if she were not related to you in some way. The OP has the opportunity to choose whether or not to become involved with some who is potentially a very damaging person.
I’m really, really leery of posting personal information about myself on this board, in front of these strangers as I’ve seen them to be. This isn’t an “It’s all about me” post, nor is it a “I know all about you,” one either.
And you two will probably dump each other in a few weeks anyway. But, on the off-chance you stick it out and get in deeper, I don’t think I could not respond to this request in good conscience.
Some night you two will make love, or she’ll have been with another man and you’ll forgive her as you’ve become accustomed to doing, and nine months later she’ll give birth, and you’ll fall in love with the hostage she’s brought into your life
If you’re now fully prepared to take that child into an ER after her mother’s beaten her with the buckle-end of a leather belt, or something just as horrible that I also did deal with, or perhaps something I was spared, go away from this woman now.
Since you asked.
Run away. Fast.
I am dating a man who is divorced from a woman with BPD. They have a child together. The scars they bear from her behavior run deep.
A friend has a 20 year old daughter with BPD. Every time her parents don’t give her money or attention, she “commits suicide.” Meaning, she swallows a bottle of pills, or claims that she did, and announces it immediately. There are 10 ambulance rides per year, multiple mental health hospitalizations, etc. She won’t take prescribed medications and won’t see a therapist. Lather, rinse, repeat.
BPD is not a mental illness in the sense that depression, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia are metal illnesses. A “personality disorder” is in a completely separate category. Many psychologists and psychiatrists feel that personality disorders are not treatable and do not take on people with BPD as patients. Even doctors who will treat people with personality disorders admit that treatment success rates are low. People with personality disorders typically believe the problem is with the rest of the world, and not them, so they do not try to change.
olivesmarch4th points out that DBT has worked for some people with BPD, but all of the BPD people I have ever known (three of them personally, more professionally and in an academic setting) refused to do any kind of therapy for more than three sessions (if at all). I have sat in on DBT sessions. DBT takes at least six to twelve weeks of sessions, and folks with BPD often backslide even if they agree to do the therapy, and have to repeat it again…and again…and again. If they are willing to do that, which they often aren’t. DBT success rates are based on the tiny fraction of BPD patients who are willing to do the treatment–which means they are selecting for the highest functioning people with BPD, who have the most self-control to start with.
I wish I could be as positive as olives about the hope for treatment, but my experiences as a lawyer, a psychology student, and a friend have taught me never to become personally involved with a borderline personality.
And guess who gets to be the 24/7 on-call representative/punching bag for “the rest of the world?”
Hey, Michael. You been scared off yet?
I’m curious: how long have you been dating? Why did she tell you? Were you having a conversation and the topic naturally came up, or did she sit you down (or call you), take a deep breath, and say, “I have something important to tell you …” ?
What’s your appetite/tolerance for unnecessary drama?
We’ve been dating a month, four dates. I invited her to my place and as we were eating, I offered her alcohol. She said she couldn’t without her family/close friends around because of the medication she was taking. Then I met her Tuesday and she mentioned that her test schedule wasn’t the regular one because the school was letting her have 4 hours instead of 3.
I asked her why and she said she had a mild version of BPD according to someone (don’t know if it was a psychologist, therapist etc) she had seen. She sounded fearful when she told me that.
I don’t like unnecessary drama. Perhaps you’re familiar with Myers-Briggs personality types? The INTJ personality fits me almost exactly.
Don’t know if this is pertinent:
She’s completing law school soon so she seems fonctional.
She’s given me the impression of being reserved and somewhat awkward.
When she was at my place, we were doing heavy petting and she held back on sex (I believe she wanted it), apparently mindful not to go too fast. Before coming to my place she had mentioned that she liked the date idea but wouldn’t be spending the night.
She hasn’t made any particularly strong statement of like or dislike towards me yet.
Tove makes a good point about potential infidelity and pregnancy. Condoms it is for intercourse then, no matter how many STD tests.
I think it’s absolutely stupid (if not prejudiced and bigoted) to back out of a relationship due to a disorder. If you can’t handle it, fine. But don’t prejudge. You’ve already been getting along fine with her, so why back out because things might get bad?
I have a friend with BPD. As long as I give her her space when she’s having a bad time, it works out fine.
Also, if it’s anything like my anxiety disorder–they aren’t refusing to be treated. The treatment just hurts too bad for them to handle. From what I’ve read of DBT, it’s really, really hard, perhaps harder than even exposure therapy. At least exposure therapy can run at your own pace.
I also do not value people who protect themselves first in these situations. I know there is a point where you actually can’t handle it, but I’ve been relatively normal, and know that ofttimes people quit when they are nowhere near that point.
If you want to leave, do so because you can’t handle it, not because you are afraid of trying.
I mentioned to my therapist that a woman I was interested in had BPD. My therapist told me to run far and to run fast. She stressed those two points repeatedly.