If you’ve been in a relationship with such a person what has been the outcome? What was the turning point for you? It seems one can endure quite a lot before deciding to move on. How did your friends best support you? Do you look back on those days and see yourself as a different person? Do you find you repeat a pattern of being attracted to this type?
Just read some of your comments on the other thread.
What can you say to your friend? You can point out that she had him locked up based on a LIE that he was beating her up.
My ex-wife never went that far, but she would go down her phone book in alphabetical order telling people the same thing, while in fact she was the one who was physically abusive in our relationship. There was one particular event where we were lying side by side on the bed. Out of the blue, she rolled over the other direction, then did a 360 degree jumping roll to fly up in the air and slam me in the groin with her knee. No warning sign at all. Then while I was curled up in a fetal position thinking that I needed to call an ambulance and go to the Emergency Room, she went from apologizing, to claiming it was an accident, to SCREAMING at me for “being mean to her” for “pretending” to still be pain after she had apologized. In one sentence. The next thought in my mind was “what am I going to tell them at the ER, and is she going to claim that it was self-defense because I was beating her, which means that I will be the one arrested here - which also means that everyone will believe her any lie she wants to throw out in the future and NO ONE will ever believe me.”
You need to run those kinds of thoughts by him, because if she has done those kinds of things NOW, it will only get worse in the future. He will end up injured or dead, or injured AND in jail because of her lies. Not only that, everything he owns will be destroyed, thrown away, or lost to her for good. I hope to god he doesn’t have a pet, because I don’t even want to walk down that road if she’s violent in the dating phase.
Again thanks Chimera - I’m meaning for this thread to be about how to help my friend, not so much about understanding the disorder. How were you feeling? Why didn’t you get up and run earlier than you did, I mean obviously if this was a first date and you got a knee to the groin you wouldn’t be going back … what’s the pull that makes my friend ignore these huge threats to his well-being.
That wasn’t on the first date, or I would have run like hell. That was five months after we were married.
Before we were married, she took responsibility for everything she did, she accepted that she needed help, she promised to get it, she apologized for things that happened, blah, blah, blah. About two weeks after we were married, all that stopped dead and I became the Great Villain of her life. Everything that happened, everything she did, even if it had nothing at all to do with me or about me, because my fault.
That’s why it is important to spot such things in the dating phase if they exist, and to deal with them or make the break then. Because people tend to be on their best behavior while they’re dating. Your friend has to realize that right nowis her BEST behavior. It will only get worse in the long run, and it will go straight to batshit crazy psycho violent hell the moment they are married.
Same for any others of you out there living the same thing. Doesn’t matter how much you love them, you’re not safe, and it won’t get better.
Thanks all. It seems to me like I’ve got two options, I guess I’m in fear of being an enabler:
Tell him I can no longer be his friend while he continues on this path of self-destruction through his relationship with this woman.
Continue being a friend and listen to the blow by blow - some times literally - account, at least he can download on me.
I see him as being addicted to the drama and unable/unwilling to get out yet.
Chimera, **black rabbit ** did you lose your friends during this period, did they give up on you or continue to support you? Did either method help? I fear neither really makes any difference and there’s little I can do.
That’s a really tough place to be, Bam Boo Gut - hearing about all the crap your friend is taking, but not being able to do anything about it. My advice would be to tell him that you will always be available for him, but you can’t hear how she abuses him on a daily basis - it’s too hard for you to hear about someone treating a friend so badly. He’ll leave when he’s had enough, and not a day sooner, unfortunately.
Does anyone wonder if the meltdowns that mentally retarded people can have might be related vaguely to borderline personality disorder?
I experianced a retarded woman TOTALLY and completely misunderstanding something I wrote on a listserv. It was almost like a borderline meltdown. VERY strange. She completely misinterpreted something, and just LIT into me for NO reason at all… " AAWAYCG is mean. Ask another girl on the list. She is mean" and flipping out at me b/c I cut and pasted what I was replying to…(and I don’t know why she was so upset)
and just ranting a raving. The moderator of the listserv (very experianced with special needs people) didn’t even understand why she was so upset.
Maybe it was just MR meltdowning…but it did kind of remind me of borderlines meltdowning too…
I’ve never been in a romantic relationship with that kind of person, but my Grandfather from Hell is one. He’s also someone who doesn’t have an incest taboo and who has been expelled from stores more than once for things like trying to grab the cashier’s tits. To most of the people who know him, though, he is “a wonderful man”, “a very respected leader of the community”, etc. He’s a charmer, but the same ability that makes him able to charm the bones off a snake makes him able to hurt you like only She Who Installed Your Buttons ought’a be able to.
I can tell you that Grandma from Hell is still in love with him after more than 70 years, that she justifies his wrongdoings (if he grabs your ass, it’s your fault for having an ass), that my aunt had the bollocks to leave her children in their care when they were 14 and 11 (so, just in time for Gramps to “become interested” in them), that my mother’s reaction to “Gramps wants to pimp me out” was to threaten to kick me out of ther house if Dad ever heard a word about it, and that the main reason I haven’t had children is fear of being as bad a mother as Mom, Aunt and their Mom were.
I can’t say I regret having been born, but I sure wish the fucker had died before I needed to learn how to “deal” with him.
I’m going to make him read these threads next time he comes over. He’s aware that she needs some psychiatric help, I need to make him aware that he needs some too. I’m going to try to get him to see a counselor.
There’s a type of person that I call “The Jovial Jerk”. They’re charmers. They’re first grade assholes. Too many people are sucked in by the charm and see only that. They excuse or minimize the assholish behavior, primarily because as long as they’re blinded by the charm, they’re usually not victimized by the behavior. Or when they are, they fall for the charm again and it blinds them to thinking about what they just went through with the guy, or it guilts them into thinking that maybe they are being the jerk in the situation. It is also easy for the Jovial Jerk to convince people that it is The Other Guy’s Fault for when they are caught being first rate assholes to people. If you don’t buy the charm, there’s no reason for them not to be an asshole to you full time, because you aren’t playing their game. But they can very often convince others that you are the problem and they’re just having fun, blah, blah, blah.
It is easy to be angry with people who are displaying bad emotions. It isn’t always easy to recognize the evil in people who are constantly pumping out the positive emotions.
Nava, over the years you have mentioned this story “Gramps wants to pimp me out” at least 20 different times, in all sorts of different threads (also usually saying how terrible your mother and father are as parents and human beings in general)…
What exactly did your grandfather do, or propose to do, to “pimp you out”?
You have talked about this so frequently I would like to know what actually happened, as it is obviously something that you dwell on a lot.
(I have also never heard of anyone else in the world who has made a similar claim, so your assertation has a unique aspect to it, which makes it all the more interesting)
If it was a father (or maybe more commonly, step-father), then I too have either heard or read about such cases, but with a grandfather, never.
Nava obviously has a mother and father, so I don’t understand how the grandfather would be in a position to force his granddaughter into prositiution—She said that her mother (I assume the daughter of grandpa in question) told Nava never to tell Nava’a father (son in law of grandpa in question) so it’s not like Nava’s own father was in on this plan…