On Turning 50 Alone

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Today, around noon, I turned 50. I did so alone, as I do most everything else in my life.
I am an only child. Parents, grandparents, aunts & uncles all dead. No cousins live locally. I don’t have any local friends. I have my dogs and cats, and a few internet friends, and well, that’s about it.

There isn’t a day that isn’t incredibly lonely for me, and this one especially so. In a couple of hours, I will be oing into a job that I hate and spend until midnight there, feeling lost and sick to my stomach. I will come home, drink 1 beer, take 1 Tylenol PM and go to bed, to wake up tomorrow and do it all over again.

For 50 years, I have searched for…something. I don’t even know what for any more. I have given up thinking that I will find a life partner. I have tried, I have reached out, and I cannot find a FRIEND, much less a lover.

I am not in good health; I am tired constantly, every joint in my body aches, I was diagnosed with diabetes last year and have been without insurance since. I won’t be eligible for insurance till Sept. 1. Maybe once I can get medications and find out exactly what is wrong with me, parts of my life will improve. I hope so, anyway.

I used to be incredibly creative. I painted, I drew, but most of all, I loved to write. That creative outlet has left me. My muse has packed his bags and headed for the coast without so much as a glance over his shoulder. I miss him. I miss losing myself in my writing, where I held some sort of power over the outcome of things. I no longer feel whole with this part of my life gone.

Right now, the high point of my day is that moment when I crawl in bed and turn out the light. It is that moment that keeps me going thru the rest of the day. I find myself counting the hours down at random times throughout the day.

I don’t really know why I am writing this. I don’t want birthday wishes, because truthfully, if I could, I would skip this day entirely. I just thought I might share my innermost thoughts with one of my few contacts with humanity. Venting, if you will.

If you read this far, thank you.

Fifty years. How the hell did I get this old and have nothing to show for it?

2

I normally don’t post to threads like this - I don’t see myself as someone who should be telling others what to do. But your post is pretty clear - I am sorry you are feeling like a lone voice. It does seem, based on what you write, that you may benefit from talking to someone - I have no idea if you might be assessed as clinically depressed, but you clearly aren’t seeing a path out of your current situation so it sounds like time to look for help from others so that you can find that type of path.

I wish you luck, strength and health - and happy birthday.

3

Just wanted you to know I read, PapSett, and hope that you are able to find meaning and happiness in your life. Wordman may be right and if there is a treatable reason why you have so many lonely isolating feelings, I hope you get it. Everyone deserves to be, at the very least, content — if not happy. Take care, please.

4

You haven’t posted a single problem that isn’t fixable, but like WordMan says, if you aren’t looking for solutions any longer, that’s the first problem.

You don’t just have a few internet friends; you have a whole board full of us, and we aren’t going anywhere. :slight_smile:

ETA: I forgot to say Happy Birthday!

5

Sorry you’re feeling down. FWIW, happy birthday.

6

I read, and as said, you are not alone. So happy birthday!

7

I hear you.
“How the hell did I get this old and have nothing to show for it?”
I frequently feel the same the same way.

8

I can sympathize. I turned 50 a couple weeks ago.

I won’t go into all the details. I’m not completely alone, I have an S.O. But I only see him about once a week because of our schedules. I don’t know if we will ever be more serious. My mother has Alzheimer’s. I don’t go out of my way to keep in touch with my siblings, even though we all live in the same city, but that’s mutual. I’ve been doing the same job for 20 years, took a demotion a few years ago to cut down on stress but I still have extra responsibilities and no authority now. I make the same pay but I still live paycheck to paycheck. My house is in need of repairs, I have insurance but can’t use it as much as I should because co-pays and deductables take too much out of my budget, I have too many pets, I used to be creative also and still have plans to do stuff but can’t get motivated enough or feel like there’s more important stuff I should do if I have the time.

Anyway, my problems may not be as bad but I get where you’re coming from. This is not where I wanted to be at 50. I’ve been up and down over this, I’m not giving up because I still have hope that I can get things better eventually. I know it’s something I have to work at. I try to do little things to help me meet my goals so I can get a small feeling of accomplishment. Well, maybe I’m not the best for giving advice but if you want to vent to someone who understands a little of how you feel you can send me a pm.

9

I have read your posting, and want to add my voice to those who send their good wishes and let you know our concern.

If at all possible, see if you can get a medical checkup - perhaps there is a community clinic or something of that nature that will be helpful. My two sons expressed almost exactly the same thoughts before they were diagnosed as suffering from depression. (Several years post treatment they are doing well)

I can see that you can enjoy things…your picture with your dogs shows a woman who is feeling happy and can feel joy.

Best thoughts to you! And happy birthday!

10

Well, if it makes you feel any better, now I’m depressed too.

I’m normally loath to use these, but just in case: :slight_smile:

11

Oops, I wasn’t going to go into details but I got carried away and said more than I intended about my own problems. And I hate it when you talk about your problems and someone else tries to top your problems with theirs. Sorry about that. I wasn’t trying to top yours but just let you know I can sympathize. I guess we all need to vent sometimes.

12

Ok, virtual birthday party for PapSett! I’ll bake the (sugar-free) cake! What’s your favorite kind?
And yes, I can relate to not being where you thought you’d be at this age. I hope you’re able to get some good medical care and talk to your doctor about how you’re feeling-- even if it has to wait til September, just hang in there.

13

I will bring silly hats.

I hope things improve for you. Who knows, if the first fifty were crap, maybe the next fifty will be AMAZING! Happy birthday, pal.

14

I’ll bring the noisemakers!

PapSett, if your diabetes is untreated, that could be what is causing your being tired all of the time. There are likely clinics in your area that charge on a sliding scale that can provide you with at least a minimum amount of care so that you face a healthier future (I know, I’ve been uninsured with diabetes myself).

Like CW said, you have a whole board full of friends! You also have the joy of having your dogs. IMHO, life will get better.

Here’s to the next 50 years. ::raises glass of unsweet tea::

15

A period of time with no friends and the Dope will be easier than a time with friends and no Dope.

Happy Birthday, my 40th sucked too. DO…SOMETHING. Go Walk. Wash the Car. Take up a hobby. Learn to knit. Buy a $12 fishing rod and go fishin’.

Buy a pad of paper, a #2 Pencil, and go sketch the sunrise. Not your media? Tough. :smiley:

16

Do you live anywhere near a rec centre with a pool? About three months ago, I started going to the pool pretty much every day at the same time during the adult swim. I go on my own and didn’t know anyone there. After seeing me every day, people started chatting with me and now I know most of the people there. It’s mostly chubby, middle aged ladies, floating around on water noodles, chatting away. I bet you could meet people there. I was very quiet and made no effort at all to meet people there because I really was just going for myself, they ended up befriending me.

Happy Birthday to you!

17

I agree! Do anything but sit alone and feel bad for yourself. Ride a bike, pet a dog, go for an airplane ride, paddle a boat, throw a pie at a clown! Anything but mopping about. Please.

18

I think that happens by allowing the days to slip by without doing anything to improve one’s situation. They pile up so fast.

I look in the mirror several times a week and remind myself that I am all alone. And so is everyone else. I was born alone. I will die alone. No one is ever going to care as much about me as I do myself. How much do I care about myself? Enough to make myself happy?

I sometimes have problems with feeling sorry about this unsavory fact of the human condition. I call it self-pity and it is absolute poison for me and my satisfaction with life.

My focus is good mental health and good physical health because those are about the only things in my life that are truly mine to work with. And there’s no guarantee with either.

All in all those cold facts suck. But they are inalterable, I think, so I’ve changed my outlook on life to one that provides the most contentment for me - achievable goals, a focus on what I have that is good, not comparing myself to others and like that.

It’s not so bad recognizing that one is all alone (even though I have pets, offspring and a husband.) It’s given me permission to be exactly who I am and to take care of myself. And heck, I do a darned bit better at that than anyone else I know. Heh.

Choices. Got a million of 'em. I plan to use as many as I can before I make my exit. Hope you all do, as well. :smiley:

19

Hi, PapSett. I read your post. All the way through. And I thought about your life, and tried to picture you (I rarely look at photos of Dopers) and your dogs. I’m an only child and estranged from my parents (aw, shit, Father’s Day is this weekend … ) so I have some sympathy for you although I doubt you want or need it.

Do you want unsolicited advice instead? :slight_smile:

Do something for yourself. It can be stupid, or monumental, or eye-rollingly silly. Just say, “Fuck it, it’s my birthday! So I’m gonna !” and then, go do x.

Do something for your health. What’s that line in “Dazed and Confused” where the pregnant chick is buying booze? The clerk sells Ms. Preggo her hooch and then says, “Now remember to eat a green thing every day.” So go eat one green thing, and use one muscle group today. Done? OK … that’s enough for one day. You can do something else for your health tomorrow. Start small and manageable, they all say.

Do something for your soul. You say your muse is gone, but routines usually chase muses away. Shake something up about your routine. Hell, listen to a different radio station when you drive in to work tonight.

OK, that’s enough advice. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. Here’s to a better tomorrow. <clinks beer with PapSett>

Erm, sorry, thought I was done, but I have one more thought: Tylenol is hell on the liver, doubly so when combined with alcohol. I had to go on medication once that negatively affects the liver, and it made me feel like death warmed over. IANAD but it’s possible that liver problems are causing - or contributing to - your feeling so crappy.

20

PapSett,

Happy Birthday! You are 50 years young and I hope this makes you smile. I love quotes so here are some on happiness…

•William Shakespeare
My crown is called content, a crown that seldom kings enjoy.
•Abraham Lincoln
Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
•Colley Cibber
The happy have whole days,
And those they choose.
The unhappy have but hours,
And those they lose.
•George Bernard Shaw
The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not.
•Anton Chekhov
People don’t notice whether it’s winter or summer when they’re happy.
•Leo Tolstoy
If you want to be happy, be.
•Jean de La Bruyere
We must laugh before we are happy, for fear of dying without having laughed at all.
•Dalai Lama
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
•St. Augustine
Indeed, man wishes to be happy even when he so lives as to make happiness impossible.
•Robert Anthony
Most people would rather be certain they’re miserable, than risk being happy.
•Edith Wharton
If only we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
•Cynthia Nelms
Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.

Happy yet? No Ok. Here are some Proverbs to cheer you up::slight_smile:
George Matthew Adams
If you have nothing else to do, look about you and see if there isn’t something close at hand that you can improve! It may make you wealthy, though it is more likely that it will make you happy.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh
If you surrender completely to the moments as they pass, you live more richly those moments.

Chinese Proverb
If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.

The Dalai Lama
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.

English Proverb
If you want to be happy for a year, plant a garden; if you want to be happy for life, plant a tree.

Coretta Scott King
I’m fulfilled in what I do… I never thought that a lot of money or fine clothes-the finer things of life-would make you happy. My concept of happiness is to be filled in a spiritual sense.

John Ruskin
In order that people may be happy in their work, these three things are needed: They must be fit for it: They must not do too much of it: And they must have a sense of success in it.

Richard Bach
In the path of our happiness shall we find the learning for which we have chosen this lifetime.

Susan B. Anthony
Independence is happiness.
Happy Yet? No? Well I’m out of quotes and proverbs except one my dad used to say. “Why be ordinary, when you can be extaordinary”…:smiley: My Dad was big on quotes.

I am in exactly the same boat you are but I’m happy most all the time. I have pain and I tire easily. I’m alone and I have a job. I once was very creative and now I seem to have less of it. The difference may be in how I look at things. I get up every morning and I’m happy because I get another day. I try and use everything God left me with. I ask in my morning prayers to let me be of service to others.

I really think happiness is a habit and I need to cultivate it. Have a nice Birthday!