Divorced, with two daughters that I haven’t seen in 2 years (entirely my fault) and that I’m slowly trying to reconnect with.
Just out of a failed two and a half year relationship with a colleague.
No friends, the result of a life spent burning my bridges and starting anew. This was feasible when I was in my 20s but it feels much more daunting now.
Generally not a very sociable or talkative person, which wasn’t a problem 25-30 years ago when my good looks made it all easier. My ex, who was 10 years younger than me, said that I didn’t look my age but I see what is starting to look like an old man’s face in the mirror.
Stable, dead-end job that I’ll likely keep indefinitely but that doesn’t pay much.
Hobbies that are pretty much solitary (piano, cycling, reading).
A body that is for the first time starting to show clear signs of aging. I’m seeing a doctor, and trying to eat healthy and keep fit.
Reconnecting with my daughters is my priority. I’ll see them for the first time since October 2020 next week. I’ll try to build from there.
Beyond that, in spite of the fact that I’ve always been a solitary person, I’m no hermit. I don’t want to be alone but I can’t help but think that my prospects do not look good.
I’m planning to take up yoga again and perhaps enroll at the local music school. I’m old school, still attached to the idea of meeting someone in real life. However, I’ve found a website that organizes “slow dating” events. No pressure. I like the idea, and I’ve just registered for a walk in the forest at the end of the month.
Of course, I’ve also considered online dating but I need to get my ex out of my system first. I’m getting there. I could give this a try in autumn. I’m not interested in hook-ups, I’m looking for something a bit…classy ?
So, has anyone here managed to turn things around late in life ? How did you do it ? How should I go about it ? What should I avoid ?
Just to be clear, I’m looking for advice, not pity. However, feel free to roast me if you think I need it.
I could’ve written about 80% of that word for word. My advice that’s worked for me for finding a way to “get out of the house” is via the Meetup app. There’s usually events/outings of anywhere from 10 - 25 people that are easy to attend, and most everyone is in the same boat.
The first step is the one you just took, and that is to realize where you are and decide it is no longer acceptable. The second step is to decide on a new direction in your life, and it seems like you have pretty much done that as well. So, reconnect with your daughters and get out and socialize more. See where that leads. You can make adjustments as you go along.
Go out and do stuff, I guess. Maybe look for a better job?
What kind of place do you live? If you don’t live in one already, I would consider moving in or at least closer to a major city. Suburbs tend to be designed for people locked into their boring live for 40 years. Cities tend to have more things to do and greater diversity of people (i.e. older single people)
Regarding the social side, I think the suggestions given so far are good, and additionally consider that you can start your own groups if none exist already. e.g. on meet up, you could start your own book club.
(You may have issues initially with “critical mass”…people are generally reluctant to join a group that has no members…I have specific advice for getting beyond that, if that’s a concern).
But I’d also say, what works for me is also to have projects that I’m working on. In my case it’s software projects, but if you’re handy it could be to construct something.
Sure we could call it a “hobby”, but for me having a specific thing I’m trying to achieve gives a lot more purpose to the whole thing. And the beauty of not being married with kids is there is no requirement for the project to be a money-making plan.
Ooo…and travel. If you’ve got time to plan it out you can go very far on little budget.
Plenty of guys I met in Shanghai who were in their 40s or 50s travelled, discovered a whole different world and reinvented themselves (e.g. a friend who went as an engineer and became a full time public speaking coach).
I had a quick look at Meetup a couple of weeks ago. I’ve just checked their website again and there are indeed tons of possible activities, including ones I hadn’t thought of (Conversation Exchange for foreign languages, badminton). I’m going to seriously look into this, thanks.
I consider 40 mid-life since men usually die around 80 if they’re lucky. So here’s your chance to reinvent yourself and do everything you haven’t done but always wanted to do, whether alone or with a new partner.
Take the pressure off yourself to find the perfect mate. Right now, you should be looking for friends you enjoy hanging out with and who enjoy hanging out with you. Of course, reconnect with your daughters, but that may take a while, so don’t set unrealistic expectations.
Relax, take a deep breath, and enjoy your life today. You are single, have a good but not a great job, and have a family. Meetup is a great way to meet new people. Cycling isn’t necessarily a solo sport, and music is a great way to engage with other people with similar musical interests.
I was in a similar place as you at your age and found the love of my life at 45. My daughter went away to college, and I thought it was time to take care of my needs for once. You can do that too.
Seriously though, I think maybe you should view it as less of a “battle” and more like just figuring out what sort of life you want to live and go live it.
I started over in my early 50’s. I did have some help though, my daughters (ex wife’s girls that I adopted) and grand children supported me in every way, I kept myself busy and I was able to do things I couldn’t do when married. I was active on a couple of dating sites that kept me active in the sack. The biggest thing I did for myself was to stick to my list of attributes that I wanted in a potential partner. I met someone that met almost all of the things I was looking for, we just celebrated out 10th wedding anniversary. Looking back, my ex sucked the life out of me, I wish I would have ended the marriage a lot sooner.
I guess you were going for a prep effect there. But what you say goes against common sense, general experience and statistics. People in their 40’s are generally in a very different place than people in their 20’s, or people in their 80’s. For instance, nowhere is there as much potential, available partners around, than in early adulthood.
Ageism in seeking employment is a real thing. Around my neck of woods, it’s a well-published conundrum that once you’re 50, your chances of changing jobs, or getting one, drop dramatically,as employers prefer younger people with longer prospects.
Most people, even those like me who are still normal weight, regularly work out and eat healthy, have to face the facts at around 45 - 50: you simply do not have the same stamina, endurance, strength, flexibility, recouperability (heh), looks etc. etc. than you did in earlier life. Doors are beginning to turn shut, whether for dating, working, partying or new hobbies.
Now, if you lots of money, all those disadvantages can be swept aside, for some time. The OP specified he’s not making all that much.
Do your utmost to reconnect with your daughters. It will no doubt be awkward at first. They may need to “vent” about you being the absentee dad but if you really put the effort into it, I think you can succeed. If you can get a good relationship going, I suspect that may inspire you to feel better about yourself and make other life choices a little bit easier. (ok maybe a ‘little less difficult’ might be a better choice of words)
I’ll never be rich. I’ll never own a house. I’ll probably never be able to save much money.
But I make enough to pay my bills, cover my needs, join a couple of sport or other club and go out (reasonably) twice a week. I must watch my expenses but I’m not hurting.
By the way, I’ve signed up to a few Meetup groups : cycling, language exchange, badminton, walking around town, arts and weekend morning coffee. We’ll see.
That’s a good idea. Don’t expect them all, or even most of them, to pan out long-term, but at least you should meet some new people.
Also, I can’t say this enough, but most people are attracted to upbeat, happy people. If you go into this thinking it’s not going to work or be fun, everyone will see that in you. That doesn’t mean you have to be smiling and laughing all the time, just have a good attitude about things and be willing to laugh at yourself once in a while. Don’t take life too seriously.
BTW, another thing you might try is volunteering. You get to meet many other people and get a good feeling. Most communities need volunteers.
My situation was different from yours in many ways, but some of the problems turned out the same. I found I had to finally put down roots, engaging in social activities and participating in the community. I had to develop real friends that weren’t work related or the parents of my kid’s friends.
All of my good friends had been remote, and mostly people I met through work over the years. Now I have a lot of local friends, and I intentionally avoid talking shop. I have friends I can go to baseball and footballs games with. Once I even went to one of those funny games that are like real life foosball because a friend wanted to go. I have friends to see regularly for dinner and other events, or just to drop by and see how they’re doing. My life had been driven by my work in the past, but that was largely out of necessity, I just never took the time get close to other and participate in the community. I did at times for a little while, but didn’t stick with things, and I would even avoid situations that I felt would tie me down. My life is different now, it took a long time to change. I have had a hard time with health issues in recent years, my life moves along at a snail’s pace now, I’ve had problems dealing with it, but I can’t imagine what would have happened to me if I didn’t decide to change my life so I had the support of friends and community holding me up. I hope you do well moving forward.
I think people overestimate how much “potential” they actually had when they were in their 20s.
Fact of the matter is that people change jobs, date, relocate, go back to school, party, pick up hobbies, get married, whatever, at every age. Sure, some doors close and expectations change as you get older. But that doesn’t mean you should use “I’m old” as an excuse for not doing anything.
Volunteer at a few activities you enjoy. That’s a good way for independent people to meet other people without the pressure of feeling like you have to connect with them. Sometimes events like meet ups have a vibe where people are there with the goal of making friends and having connections rather than to do the activity. If you’re comfortable being in an overly social environment it’s fine, but sometimes it can be too much for someone who prefers their solitude. If you are volunteering someplace, you’re there to volunteer, not necessarily to make friends or find romance. While doing the volunteer tasks, you’ll make natural connections over time with people you’re compatible with. And because it’s volunteering, you can have a lot of control over when you’re there or not.
Don’t have too many expectations about becoming close friends with anyone you meet. Forming close friendships isn’t as common as people get colder. Getting a group of fun associates would be a realistic expectation. Doing stuff like volunteering and joining exercise groups is a good way to create a pool of people you enjoy being with.
As for dating, you should probably take it really slow. It sounds like you might be trying to grab on to someone, anyone, right now. You may end up grabbing onto the wrong person thinking they’re your only shot. Especially when you’re trying to get over your ex. Rebound warning. You might want to go on these slow dates with several different people and keep things simple and friendly. Go on lots of casual dates with lots of different people so you can really see who you connect with.
Just an FYI, don’t hit on people at stuff like yoga and music classes. The people are there to take the class and don’t want to deal with any awkwardness. It’s common for small talk to happen, but keep it really casual and low key. Take the classes for yourself because you want to take the class, not because you’re trying to meet someone at the class. People do meet at classes, but it’s typically after taking the classes for a long time and the relationship develops very slowly and naturally. But even if you don’t talk to anyone, classes can be a great way for an introvert to feel like they are connected to the world. You’re surrounded by a bunch of people and you’re all doing the same thing. So definitely take classes, but do them for yourself rather than to meet someone.