Drink
Thanks for your advice, filmore. To clarify my points :
Quite the opposite, actually.
I plan on taking the time necessary to find someone who is a good fit for me. The problem is, when I met my ex, I had that exact feeling with her. Not “she’s THE one”, I was already past this illusion after my divorce, but more “Wow, she sure ticks a lot of the right boxes for me”. Turns out I was wrong.
So, I cannot imagine staying single for the rest of my life. But I’m not going to settle for any relationship. Which is why I still like the idea of meeting people in real life and taking the time to get to know them. I still believe in the magic of slowly realizing “I… think… we’re falling in love”, corny as it sounds.
Yeah,I know that.
When I did yoga a few years ago, I barely talked to anyone, precisely because I was afraid of coming across as that guy. There happened to be one like this in the group, trying all the time to strike conversations with any woman, especially the instructor, and he was pathetic.
So I’m going for the yoga practice, as I did before, because I enjoy it and because I want to keep fit. Of course, I cannot say that I will not keep my eyes open for a possible relationship but I’m sure not going to talk to every woman there. That’s creepy and it’s not my thing anyway. I need some time to feel comfortable, and that’s preferably one-on-one.
I am much in the same boat though I’m ten years older than you.
I still look really good for my age, though I don’t expect that to last forever.
I am divorced, and I do have a good relationship with my kids. But really limited, basically no high school/college friends because I was so withdrawn, introverted, etc. that I didn’t know how to make those sort of relationships. So I missed out. Started dating late too. Eventually got married, had my kids, had one other LTR. But here I am.
There are other people where you or I am. People later in life with some failed relationships, whatever the reason. I just had a meetup of a single parents group, and that’s the way it is, however we all got there.
I am reading a book What Should I Do With The Rest Of My Life? about people who had successes after 60. Now some of the examples in this book are people that were already pretty close to success anyway, like a writer with a late in life novel that had already written earlier in his life. So it’s not really starting from scratch, just examples of how people still found new opportunities at that age. Now none of us know how many years we have left, if you or I get cancer in 5 years, well we have 5 years and the rest doesn’t matter anyway. What do you want to do with the rest?
As far as specific opportunities, it’s a dilemma with dating anywhere outside of maybe online dating, which has its own issues. I agree that going into a class or something and hitting on women doesn’t work. Meetup itself used to be more of a meat market, then an edict came down that the meetups were supposed to be platonic only.
But that doesn’t prevent you from having platonic conversations, even with women. Practice dates, getting to know you without actually initiating anything. I think we all go through this, trying to figure out if someone might be available and interested without coming across as creepy. So stay platonic, network a lot, and wait for someone to open up. I know one story of someone that was interested in a woman and figured out she was available when they both showed up on the same dating site. So then he asked her out! I think it just takes some networking and time.
Online dating exclusively can be pretty rough if that’s all you have, so keep up the real life networking.
Yoga is good for inner work but it’s not enough. You said that you burned bridges, but not how or why. Seek to understand the patterns that are driving your actions and decisions.
As far as being solitary, I am definitely an introvert which has at times caused me a lot of social awkwardness. I would over-react to things. Eventually I did therapy to deal with old traumas that were causing me to have sudden rages.
Also, you want to get into a new relationship as a fix for your life. What about befriending yourself first?
I’ve had to make several major life changes over the years. I’m 57 now and the last one was about 2-3 years ago. I’d just moved out of a firetrap of a building, it was COVID time, I couldn’t pass any job interviews, and I was stress-drinking. Then last year I had cancer, which was stressful too – thankfully things seem OK now but man, I was contemplating mortality yet again. And experiencing menopause.
However I had a study partner to help deal with COVID isolation. We would meet via Zoom once a week and discuss books and current affairs, like how can we be better people, and more sensitive to the needs of others. She is the most empathetic person on the planet, while I am a hard headed skeptic… it was a good complement. A safe space you might say.
Then… we both discovered the courses of Daniel Foor, who wrote a book called Ancestral Medicine and he’s come up with a viable system that’s non-denominational for ancestral healing. It seems totally woo-woo and it is, but I have to say, after doing his 12 week course on that, I suddenly got a much better job and calmed down quite a bit.
Not saying this would work for you but you did ask how others managed to turn things around. For me, it’s been a constant process of turnarounds or really, improvements. It’s not like one day I was a total mess and then a miracle turned me into a happy little angel. I’m less of a mess and more content. I had a few close friends even tho’ I didn’t talk to them that much, but they were a support system.
So what will work for you depends on your inner abilities and qualities. Do you have a good imagination or do you like a factual approach? What moves you emotionally? I think you’ll need someone to talk to, a sounding board, a wise friend or therapist, maybe both. You can’t do all this inside your own head. You need to speak out loud and be heard.
Just my 2 cents, your mileage may vary.
As a matter of fact, I’ve always liked talking to women, even in a platonic way. I’ve always had way more female friends than male friends. I’ve enjoyed listening to them speak about their perspective on things, especially relationships and I’ve learnt a lot from them over the decades. With guys, I’ve always felt a bit ill-at-ease. Sure, I’ve had male friends but our conversations seemed more basic, less enlightening.
I think the most important thing is to not give up.
Not saying you have to keep doing stuff that isn’t working. If you fail, try something else. But don’t let that nagging voice saying “it’s too late; it’s never going to happen” convince you.
Online dating can feel crass and uncomfortable, but if you want to find a partner, it’s worth a shot. Take a break when you can’t stand it anymore, shift your focus to putting yourself out there in different activities that may be outside your comfort zone where you might meet women, or ask your friends to set you up, or maybe look into a matchmaker. Or just straight-up take a break and say you’re not looking right now, as long as you don’t tell yourself you’re unlovable.
Volunteer work can be great if you can find it. In my experience, a good, fulfilling volunteer gig is harder to find than a well-paying job. I’ve put so much effort over the years into finding ways to give back, and those opportunities all seem to dry up eventually. I’m not saying it’s not worth it, but it can be frustrating. You’ve got to be persistent.
Classes and hobbies can be great for both meeting people and making an interesting life, but it’s hard to find something that 1) really interests you, 2) attracts other people who interest you, and 3) is practical to really get into. I’m glad I found scuba diving in my 30s. I actually found it first in my 20s but couldn’t afford it then. One of my regular dive buddies is a single guy who enjoys being able to meet people through the sport but bemoans the lack of single women. I’ve tried to get a number of other friends to dive with me, but even the folks who think it’s kinda fun to see the fishies, blanch at this whole getting up at 4 a.m. to go on a nauseating boat ride and jump into 60-degree water thing I do every weekend. And of course, the majority of people on earth do not live within an hour’s drive of great dive sites, so scuba diving is at best something they can do on vacation, not every weekend. It’ll probably take time, and lots of false starts, to find your thing.
Piano playing doesn’t have to be solitary, you know? There are plenty of piano combos.
I have met 40 or 50 people through music since the age of 60.