So it took a long time, but I am now free from the passionless marriage I complained about here on the dope way back when.
The problem is that because it took so long to end, I guess I sort of became comfortable with what the marriage had become, and now that I am alone after 33 years, well, let’s just say, I’m not really digging it. Being 61 and single is not like being 28 and single.
I am feeling some pretty profound loneliness and can’t really imagine a future that isn’t just me living alone.
I don’t really know what I’m even really looking for in this thread.
Bleargh. I’m just feeling pretty lost. So what can I do to be at peace with this new reality?
Why not get back out there? Sure, it can be awkward and revolting, but at least the folks you’d be dating would have some life experience and (likely) maturity.
It’s a hard place you are in. My Daddy was a single man for many years, he always told me to learn to live in your own skin, and like the alone-ness. Just because you live alone, you don’t have to be lonely. Friends and family can help there, get a dog, go to events that interest you. You never know, you might meet just the person to befriend. I think sometimes in my hectic everyday life I am probably the alone-ist person around. I volunteer in excess, because I don’t go to a job everyday, it gets ne out and about. Find little things to grab on to. Good luck!
In the long run, you’ll either decide to be alone or to seek company. But that long-term decision doesn’t need to be made this week. In fact, I’d say you’re not ready yet. You’ve got to give yourself time to grieve, and to find out who you are on your own before you can figure out who you might like to share your life with.
If you can’t be happy by yourself, then you won’t be any happier with someone. You’ll just start blaming your unhappiness on that person,and the next one, and the next. It’s no way to live.
As for the loneliness now, what you need to seek are some friends. Find a hobby, or a charitable effort, or religious organization. Find something you don’t like about the world and try to make that little bit better. Find some other people trying to change that same bit, and join your efforts.
The best way to achieve a sense of community is to find a way to contribute to the community. And a community fights loneliness much better than a relationship does.
My item (A) does not seem to be your consideration. So (assuming you are still employed) I agree with previous posters that you need to find extracurricular activites that will fill the void. For example, I have a weekly Scrabble session with three other regulars. I also donate blood platelets every third week. These two things satisfy my need for social interaction. I also make a weekly visit to a local breakfast restaurant. The sole waitress, (whom I’ve known since 1993), is about my age and I think exceptionally attractive. She is my weekly eye-candy and satisfies my low-level sexual needs.
In short, I’ve found a few social activities that satisfy my need to be around people and a weekly reminder of how desirable women can be without the need for a date.
(For you ladies out there who might take offense. Sorry, but sometimes all we men need is a reminder of the fairer sex to relieve those testosterone-fueled desires. Especially when you get older.)
You’re in the grieving stage of the loss of your relationship (however dysfunctional that might have been). Of course you are going to feel lost and directionless.
But there was a thread here (last week??) where those of us who were partner-less and actually loving it. Damned if I can remember the title of the thread though.
You might find that after your initial sense of devastation, that ‘being alone’ is actually quite awesome. I hope that you find some peace whichever way it comes.
Being single can be a blessing. I have been for 8 years and only recently had an interest in pursuing a relationship although I have been on lots of dates. It is perfectly possible to have all the activity and recreational dates that you want and then some once you get good at online dating.
63 isn’t that old. My grandfather is 93 and has a girlfriend your age. My father is 69 and gets offers all the time from women in their 40’s and 50’s. There is a lid for every pot but it is mostly about how you present yourself. There is no need to rush into anything just to be in a relationship. You can just try low-key recreational dates just to get back in the swing of things until you figure out what you really want. It is quite common to be dazed and confused coming out of a divorce so take your time. You aren’t aging out of anything.
Is that of a romantic partner the only kind of company you crave?
I’ve known people who rented to roommates to have someone else in the house (my own landlady of two years for example). Others who volunteered with youth groups, or joined a library book club, or one doing handcrafts. I’ve known women who after a lifetime of being SAHW got a job because after losing a partner to divorce or widowhood “the house was beginning to fall down on me”.
Don’t let the house fall down on you. Learn to enjoy your own company. Try stuff you never tried before. Good luck and may the joy be with you.
You and the OP sound just like my cousin. She’s in her 50’s like me since we were born in the same year. She left her ex bf a few years ago. Went on a few dates, looked online for companions etc but doesnt really think anything will come around.
All three of you and everyone else that thinks there is no one out there for you, there is and when you least expect it, you’ll find someone, might not be the “one” but there’s always hope! Never use the word “never” because you dont know what can happen in the future!! (She leans more on C)
Like with any change or loss, you need time to adjust to your new normal. You’ll get there. Then you’ll be able to figure out what you want, or don’t. Go easy on yourself and don’t rush anything.
I think you’ve got 2 options - make peace with it (over time) or become not single.
I think you’ve got some mourning time to go through first. I promise you won’t be in the same mindframe 6 months from now as you are now. You’ll either be ready to mingle or really enjoying your freedom.
IMHO it’s easier for a 61 year old to get a date than it is to get a job, these day. Soooo…you’ve got that going for you?
Erm…actually this is just echoing what **TruCelt **said.
I suggest the “Failed Apollo mission” attitude, whereby you simultaneously try to make peace with being alone, while at the same time doing everything you can to find a mate. You should not quit and give in without trying; who knows, you may very well find someone. 61 is old, but it’s not 71 or 81.
My advice would be: do stuff to spend time with people outside work. From an introvert’s perspective, something you genuinely like that doesn’t require conversation but provides opportunities for it is best. If you’re looking for male companionship, an activity that isn’t overwhelmingly female is good. (As an extreme example, chess is better than needlepoint.)
Depending on where you live, a little internet searching may turn up one or more “Over 55” groups you can check out. They have them in my area. It gives a focus for socializing in groups without the pressures of dating. Meet people, move on to the dating when you are ready.