The only way to not be single is to do something about it. You’ve got to get out of the house and do things, and while doing those things you’ve got to be open to conversations with people rather than just keep to yourself. Even if those people aren’t romantic prospects, talk to them and you may accidentally get introduced to someone that is.
So become a regular at a nice bar, take classes, volunteer, play sports. If you’re a woman do online dating, but for males it’s pretty difficult IMO.
I am 69 years old, short 5’6" almost bald, bit of a belly, I talk about boring things and am terrible at small talk yet I have women hitting me up all the time, almost daily. Don’t give up on yourself. Just be friendly, be yourself and put yourself out where you can be seen.
So to what do you attribute your success?
Yes, how?
Honestly I think it is because I have gotten into the habit of finding something good about the other person or identify something they are interested in and talk about it. It could be an item of clothing, a pet, a project they are working on, anything you can imagine. Letting people feel like there thoughts actually matter counts for a lot.
I want to thank you all for your replies. I honestly have no idea what on earth I want the rest of my life to look like.
When I think about dating, I just feel stupid and shy and ridiculous to be honest. I wasn’t good at dating 33 years ago, much less now.
I know that I need time to process this major change. I just hope I’ve not gotten too old to adapt.
Thanks again everyone. I have to think about this in small doses or I just feel overwhelmed.
Don’t worry about dating yet. Rather, just get out there where you’re interacting with more people. Do things like volunteer, join a group workout, go to city council meetings, etc. Do things where you can feel connected to other people and that you matter to the world. This will greatly help your mood and will give you internal peace. It will also make it much easier to meet someone special. You may meet them yourself, or someone you interact may introduce you. Regardless, if you can get more involved with other people, you will be much happier and less worried about the future.
Seek out and apply yourself to only things that absolutely light you up. Be daring and bold, push yourself to try new and exciting things, whatever those things may be to you.
In short, make your life as a single, so awesome, and filled with things that bring you joy, that you no longer notice the absence of a partner.
In my experience, if you’re living a life that truly just lights you up, bringing you joy and fulfillment daily, potential partners will suddenly be thick on the ground. Few things have the magnetic draw of someone in love with and enjoying life.
And if they don’t show up, who cares? Because your life is now super awesome regardless!
I’ll second the idea of getting out there and volunteering, when it’s the right time, of course. It gets you out of your own skull. (As a person in their fifties who is looking for a full-time job AND a date, I’m not sure which is harder. The job search is a LOT harder than it once was; economic contractions do that…)
This.
As you’ve noticed OP, you don’t get a do-over restarting at 28. But what you do get is a new chapter. A chapter that you alone get to design and implement. Unlike the last 3 or 4 chapters that you and your ex-spouse created together for good or ill.
It can be paralyzing at first. Perhaps the most important thing to do is not stress about it at first. Do what comes natural. At first.
Then start really paying attention to what you do. Did I stay home & read on Saturday morning because I really want to read, or because that’s my habit and I don’t know what else to do with myself? With some care and attention you’ll probably find that most of your waking hours outside work are spent doing habitual stuff for habitual reasons. None of which may be nourishing for you.
So start making a list of different things. You won’t end up liking every wild idea you write down. But you’ll like some of them. Don’t edit the list, just keep adding to it. The “editing” comes simply from picking the most promising thing and giving it a try for awhile.
You’ve got a large block of free time available, once you recognize that 100% of your habitual activities are actually free time that’s being thoughtlessly misallocated. So reallocate it thoughtfully in pursuit of your new goals.
People are funny. They’ll avoid a lifetime of gain to avoid a week of mild discomfort. We get easily stuck in local ruts where for the price of stepping out of our rut we might gain the whole world. But often we won’t pay that price unless some cheerleader is pushing or pulling us over that tiny pebble of an obstacle. Be your own cheerleader. We can help.
This is a gradual process. Right now you don’t know who the new you is. The worst thing you could do in that case is go chasing for a mate. You don’t know who you’ll be and neither do you know what sort of mate will complement that you.
As you get your new mature grown-up solo chapter pretty well in hand a few months from now (6-18 depending), you’ll begin to see how a mate might fit and what their attributes might be.
Then you can go looking. It won’t be like dating was when you were 28. You’re not 28 and neither are they. It’ll still be awkward and confusing and weird at first. But you’re (probably) a much more complete and capable human persona than you were. Albeit a little raggedy right now from the divorce, etc.
Some older folks remarry. Others end up in committed LTRs without the paperwork. Others end up with a circle of friends but no single one-and-only. Others stay pretty aloof, and some are downright hermits. You can take any path, or all of them in turn. One thing’s for sure, physical sex and monogamy and jealousy and all the rest need not be center stage unless you want it to be. Which is a **big **difference from when you were 28.
Writing your new chapter will take the rest of your life. Don’t be overwhelmed trying to plan the whole thing before you’ve taken your first baby step. Or equally, don’t start wailing in defeat and frustration before you’ve begun the journey of replacing existing timewasters with actual desired activities.
You’re going to be here on Earth another few thousand days more or less. What you do with them is up to you. And after 33 years of waiting, up to you alone. Carpe diem as you’re able.