You mean you want to be alone?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I was talking to my ex-college roommate’s wife this evening. They are talking about separating soon and I was telling her how miserable I have been since I got divorced. I figured she might reevaluate her decision based on what I told her. Well what I said to her didn’t phase her at all. She said she is looking forward to being alone so she can spend more time with her kids and gardening and visiting museums, etc. I was stunned that she would consider this a fulfilling life, and yet I know a lot of people who do.

That is so different that me. All I want is one person who is as crazy about me as I am about them and doing stuff with that person. I don’t want to go to college, join a club, plant a garden, volunteer to be a big brother, visit a museum or spend time with the elderly. I just want to be with one special person. Nothing else has any real interest to me. When I meet someone who is content without a relationship I feel they must come from a different planet because I have no comprehension of it.

How can people be so different on something that seems so fundamental?

2

It takes all sorts to make a world

3

I don’t know, Wanderer. That was a large part of what stopped my last potential relationship from become an actual relationship. I’m like your friend’s wife - I’m not against marriage, or even me getting married, but I presently have no desire to get married, and honestly think I would be perfectly happy for the rest of my life if I’m alone. (My parents do not approve.) My friend was more like you. He told me he viewed marriage as two people making something bigger and better than themselves alone, and I see it as a loss of individuality. You’re no longer just Wanderer, your Wanderer and Someone Else.

4

I am nobody anymore Kyla.

5

A friend of mine recently got engaged. This friend lives in a nother part of FL and I haven’t seen her in some time, and I have never met her boyfriend. Yet, whenever she calls me now and leaves a message on my machine, she says something like this: Hey Michelle, it’s MaryandJohn, I was just calling to see what was up…blah…blah…blah…

This annoys me to no end. It would be one thing if she were calling me to say that she and her SO were inviting me out to go someplace, like: Hey Michelle, its Mary and John, and we were wondering if you’d like to join us…

But she says their names like they are now ONE person, and for cryin’ out loud, this guy doesn’t even know me!

Now, almost any long term REG knows that I have had a TERRIBLE time with relationships, and all I want at this point is to meet a nice guy and get married. But if I EVER sound like my friend mentioned above, please kill me. As much as I long to SHARE my life with someone else, I do not want to BECOME someone else.

So I think that we are looking at some extremes here. I don’t see getting married or settling down with one person as a loss of my own identity. I place a high value on my privacy and I know that would not change were I to find a SO. I’d stil have my own interests and hopefully he would have his, and we would not have to be joined at the hip every moment.

In general, I like my life the way it is, on my own. I have a job that I love (although it has some serious drawbacks which will need to be addressed later in life), I know that I am relatively smart and funny, and I am not totally unattractive. I have friends. I have a place to live and a good car, and pretty good health. The only thing that is missing at this point is someone to share my life with. And this means a lot to me. So much so that at times it can overwhelm me with a sense of despair that I will never find the right man (based on past experiences).

In any case, I guess my point is, you can be with someone you love, and be married, and still remain your own person. Anything the other person can bring into your own life can only make you all the more richer (supposing you have chosen the other person wisely).

6

Maybe you should marry a nice Jewsih boy? :smiley:

-Sam

7

I don’t think being alone is so bad. I mean eventually some day I would love to find someone to marry and share my life with but I wouldn’t want us to do everything together. I’ve found that in general I love my own company. I’ve always been a quiet person and I enjoy being on my own. In fact if I could sometimes I would lock myself in the house and not talk to anyone (other then online maybe). I suppose its easier because then you don’t have to worry about bugging someone or doing something wrong or whatever… you can do what you want without worry of what will happen.

8

Though I am very lonely now and don’t feel I am important to anyone, I don’t think my identity would be superseded by anyone. I am a 46 year old man who was married for 13 years, raised someone elses kids, worked and lived all over the country, and always taken care of myself (and others). It is just that there is no pleasure in my life alone. I have gone a couple days since I have even talked to someone other than about work related matters and I feel a bone deep emptiness. Perhaps what I want is different than the person mentioned above who leaves messages as two people. I just don’t want to be alone anymore.

I can’t imagine someone choosing to be alone, or maybe that person doesn’t know what true aloneness is like.

9

Doing those sorts of things is how people find that special person, Wanderer.

10

{{{{{Wanderer}}}}}

Lucretia is absolutely right - get your hiney out there and get involved in something, its the best way to meet high-quality potential co-wanderers.
Consider this; the kind of person who volounteers is already showing the ability to care for others - a good trait in a lover. The kind of person who enjoys museums is showing an apprecation for art or knowledge - another good trait in girlfriends, lovers, wives, whatever. The kind of gal you’d meet doing those kinds of things would be more inclined to be interested in the long-term than someone ,say, from a bar or personal ad.

And you sound like a really sweet, sensitive, caring,selfless kind of guy. If I weren’t married, you’d be just what I’d be looking for. I’m sure lots of women would agree that those things make you very attractive.
Its just a matter of getting yourself out there and letting the nice girls know you are available.

11

It’s been ten years since my divorce. Sure I’ve had relationships in that time, been engaged a few times, but when it gets down to that final run, I break it off. I had a bad marriage, I’ve grown to like my freedom. I have friends that I can go out with when I get lonely. Sometimes it would be nice to have someone to sleep with every night, but then I look at all the other things involved, and I decide I’m just fine.
Yep, I enjoy being alone. I can watch what I want on TV without someone switching the channel. If I want to fix dinner I do, if I don’t I just have a sandwich. If I want to play on the computer I can, for as long as I want.
Someday I might meet someone for marriage, but I’m not looking and if I don’t I won’t be unhappy.
I think maybe you dwell on the loneliness too much, wanderer.

12

I am married. I love my husband very, very much. We are getting that “married thing” where we always know what the other person is thinking, about to say, etc. We consider each other a best friend as well as a spouse. If I want to go to a museum or to the zoo, I always have a friend that will go with me. It’s the same for him- if he wants to go on a group motorcycle ride or some other event, he always has a companion. At the same time, if I want to be alone, I can be. I go to the movies by myself, shopping- on vacation even! He does the same. We each took separate vacaations this year, in fact. We just have very different interests as well as many similar interests.

It seems to me that the goal should be a mix of self and couple experiences. One shouldn’t lose thier identity to another person. If you work it right, you can have your cake and eat it too. Married doesn’t mean joined at the hip, unless one person wants it to mean that. However, if one person wants that and one doesn’t, it’s just not going to work out.

Zette

13

Zette, my ex-wife and I were a lot like you and your husband, but once our kids moved out on their own she got so many outside activities she never was home. I could have lived with us having our own activities, but when her activities took her away from home all the time, then I didn’t even see the point in being married.

I don’t understand why I hear the same drill everytime I complain about being lonely … volunteer, join a club, etc. I am NOT interested in volunteering, there is nothing I believe in enough to volunteer for, the only pasttime I have is carpentry, and I have a painful physical condition that makes it difficult to go out anyway.

I find no pleasure in things. Life wears my “battery” down and for me, it is caring about people that recharges it. I guess it doesn’t really have to be a relationship with a woman, but I am not attracted to men, so it would probably work out for the best if it was.

14

I’ve always been alone and always will be; I’ve not had a roomie, even, in 20 years and am so spoiled and set in my ways that I could never live with anyone.

I’ve never been married and am never going to get married, and my “serious relationship” days are probably behind me. But I do have lots of great friends and I’m close to my Mom (who also lives alone), so I never feel really lonely. I also have my writing, which is the main reason I go on living; it’s the only thing that really gets my motor running.

You need some “thing,” not necessarily some “one.” Remember, if you hitch your wagon to one person and invest yourself in them, ONE of you is going to die first. There’s also divorce. I can only repeat again what my wise old Aunt Ida says: “It’s better to be alone than to wish you were.”

15

My fiancee and I have lots of similar interests and we spend as much time together as possible but we’re not joined at the hip. We still do some things seperately. We enjoy each other’s company and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with spending most of our free time together. That’s what being a couple is about… spending time together and doing stuff together.

I also enjoy being alone sometimes just like everyone else but I wouldn’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. I want someone to share my life with, to hold every night, to love forever… to grow old with.

16

Wanderer, it sounds like you are going through a difficult time right now. I think it would be a good idea for you to spend some time with yourself. When you’re totally dependent on someone else to provide you with fulfillment and make your life feel complete, you are extremely vulnerable. I have been involved with a series of longterm boyfriends nonstop since the age of 13. When I turned 24 I found that not only was I unfulfilled and exhausted, I had never really gotten to know myself. I decided to take some time out. Every time a man would ask me for a date I would say no even if I found him attractive, nice, whatever. I stuck with my decision for a year and found that me alone was drastically different than me w/ a BF. I grew and changed and came to a better understanding and appreciation of myself. Then I met a rascally Australian who has made me happy ever since. My point is, alone is ok, together is ok - but sometimes alone needs to come first for together to live up to its possibilities. It’s much easier to love someone who loves themself than someone who NEEDS your love to be whole.

17

Because that’s what works, Wanderer. Are you saying that there is nothing in the entire universe except carpentry that you have ever been even vaugely interested in, or wanted to learn more about?

Outside activities don’t have to be physically demanding. It doesn’t take much effort to sit in a college class, or go to a book discussion group, for instance.

If nothing else, I would imagine that you could find some sort of support group for people who live with chronic pain, or who are dealing with single life after a divorce. That would serve the dual purpose of getting you out of the house, and maybe offering you some coping strategies for dealing with the things in your life that you are finding difficult right now.

Look, if you absolutely do not want to get involved in anything outside your home except work, that is, of course, your choice. But you say that the only thing that will make you happy is having someone in your life, and the plain and simple facts are that you are going to have to put some effort into that. She is not just going to walk up and knock on your door.

18

Unless of course Wanderer has a burning desire to marry a Jehovah’s Witness.

19

Phil :::::::snort:::::::: you crack me up.

Wanderer, I am sorry for your emptiness. But truly, only you can fill up that empty hole inside of yourself. No one else can.

In a desperate attempt to not blather on, and fully understanding your not wanting to do the volunteer route, I would like to leave you with this Oscar Wilde Quote:

Bigamy is one wife too many. So is monogamy.

20

Wanderer, I’ve been there. I was divorced after a ten year marriage and spent the next five years thinking I was worthless without a man in my life.

I finally got to a point where I was sick of feeling bad about myself all of the time. I started really thinking about and doing things that made ME happy. After awhile (and it wasn’t a short while!), I started really BEING happy. It wasn’t long before members of the opposite sex started noticing. When you are happy you SHINE! If you are not happy to begin with, a relationship is not going to make you happy.

So give yourself a break from your misery. Take care of yourself, make yourself happy. People will notice. Nothing is sexier than a happy person.