RIP Relationship, 1998-2010

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Conversation from approximately 12 years ago:

AHunter3: You’re yummy & I love you.

Herself: You’re delicious and perfect and I love you.

Herself: I do serial monogamy, OK? For as long as this lasts, I’m yours & you’re mine, OK?

AHunter3: I’m polyamorous. I don’t ever promise exclusivity.

Herself: How about honesty? Could you be up front with me and tell me if you became sexually involved with anyone else?

AHunter3: Yes, I could do that. I might not give you her name & address or recount the pillow talk and how many times etc but I’m OK with telling you if I did.

Herself: Fair enough. I would not be able to accuse you of cheating. But I could still be hurt badly enough to leave you in despair. And probably would. Just so you know.
Doesn’t sound like a really good confluence of the minds, does it? Recipe for disaster? Well… we did 12 years of it. We tried to do well by each other, including within the confines of our breakup. Believe me, if you ever need someone to break up with who does breakups in a caring, nonbitter, nonretaliatory way, there’s no one kinder to break up with than Herself.

And yeah, I’m the bad guy. Officially and finally I was the one who said this isn’t working and I want out. (You may now throw spitballs at me if you wish)

It wasn’t. Working, I mean. I’d long since ceased to be perfect for her and I don’t think I brought her much joy. We’d stopped talking. What we once had was like a pond that filled in with silt, and became shallower and shallower until there was nothing left except habit and familiarity, and the cozy component was losing out to irritation and a mutual sense of loss of what once was. We hadn’t just stopped having passionate spontaneous sex, we’d stopped hugging, we’d stopped touching, and after a period of missing it, I ceased to want it from her (except maybe the hugging, I don’t think I ever stopped missing the hugging) and… it was time.

It is by far the longest-term rel I’ve ever done. And althugh I didn’t go into it with any kind of a “This Is An Expermiment” mindset, I think in retrospect I am going to always view it as my experiment with orthodox monogamy. I never promised exclusivity but I also could not hurt her, knowing what I knew about how she was wired, and so we were de facto monogamous. Realizing that I was actively reacting to outside possibilities was one factor in deciding to say my goodbyes. I didn’t want to become involved with another person (/s) AND THEN tell her, you know?

So.

Umm yeah, all the notions and emotions you’d EXPECT of a 51 year old guy who just split up. Yeah. I know, I’m such a fucking (no pun intended) stereotype, just short of the bright red sports car.

• Having done the monogamy thing with fully serious intent and had it crash on the shoals, damn right, I want connections with NON monogamous women. I am, this time around, going to live a polyamourous lifestyle.

• Having sounded off on this very board declaring my support for the idea behing cuddle parties, I sought some out (hey, I could use some hugs) only to find that NY is not the mecca thereof at this point. Pfui.

• Pounced all over OKCupid. Hello opportunities. Meet me, greet me, can you come out and play? It’s too soon to report any results aside from online correspondence. Not that I disparage online correspondence. I delight in a good text-based interaction. But yeah part of me would like something erotically stimulating to be taking place in my life. I confess. It’s true.

•Ny naughty mind is rummaging through the memory-bin of what is and is not legal which results in some degree of erogenous stimulation aside from intake of visual. (Hey, I’ve got as much of visual-stim as I’ll ever need thanks to the internet). I have heard of things called “lap dances”, not sure that’s QUITE my cup of brandy, but as a marker on a scale, based on my understanding of what is involved, there would appear to be a range of activities not quite culminating in genital contact or orgasmic reponse which still involve a degree of tactile stimulation, which are legal. Hmm. Hmm indeed. Confined by my desire to not help exploit unfortunate females entrapped in positions of sexual servility etc, I’m still wondering what the legal options are. Unlike happy fun ball I kind of like to be taunted. Teased.

•Non-erogenously there is loneliness. I want company, I crave companionship, I’m sorry I’m such an asocial person who doesn’t remember names & faces, but I do like to be around people and to feel included. Please invite me to things. I will come to them.
And.
• Yes there have been days that hurt. Days full of self-doubt. Oh great, I did WHAT, yeesh what was I thinking?> I’m broken, I’m fucking psychotic and I have the paperwork to prove it, did I conveniently forget how fucked up I am? There was one person who for some totally inexplicable reason was willing to be with me in perpetuity, and I just threw her away. Look at me. I’m a social disaster scene. I’ll never connect up with anyone again ever, it’s not like I’m in college and get artificially mixed in with new people on a regularly scheduled basis, I’m on my own and I’m old and my life is now going to fade out with me being more & more isolated and perhaps becoming an alcoholic or drug addict and eventually I’ll die and no one will have the vaguest Idea who I was by the time that happens. Poor me. Wwaaah.

•But on other days not characterized by thinking I have no options or possibilities in front of me, I’m feeling good about this. Feeling that it was the right thing to do, even the courageous thing to do (as horrid as it sounds to pat one’s self on the back for leaving someone), that I do believe in myself and feel like I have another good half-century-plus in front of me chock-full of potential. And that I bring lots of life-experience to bear on that to yield me the benefits of what I want. That I can be creatively selfish, naughty, and unconstrained while at the same time retaining kindness, affection, acceptance of others, and perhaps a shred or two of wisdom garnered from waking the odd paths I’ve walked to get to this point in the first place.

•My former SO, my ex, seems to be, on balance, doing more OK than not. I KNOW she appreciates regaining control of her apartment and eliminating the clutter. Simplifying, paring down. Yes, it is self-serving to say “Well it was also for HER own good”, but I really do think that at a minimum she’s going to be OK and perhaps will thrive and even perhaps rejoice at being free from a relationship that wasn’t what she’d signed on for either.
OK bring on the second half-century. Hit me with your best shot. I’m ready.

2

Good on ya.

How neat. I’ve always wondered what happens to people like you when you get older.

I’m half your age. Little to no life experience. I appreciate the insight and the candor. Once loved a girl who loved like you did. Wished her all the best when she left.

Same to you.

3

What else did you really expect? (I am not being judgmental, it just seems it would always end in tears).

4

So, will your new car be a Ferrari or a Jaguar?

5

Huh.
I never realized that “polyamorous” meant “I just want to sleep around.”

6

It begins…

7

it changes…

Mad World - gary jules

8

Not to be harsh, but it sounds like you bailed on the relationship because you’re tortured by the possibilities of a passing piece of ass, and fitting it and all that it could mean within the context of an otherwise exclusive relationship.

There’s no shame in it.

Every. Single. One. of us monogamists and monamorists has experienced those moments when we wonder what life would be like if we loved someone else, or lived with someone else, or even just saw a new set of tits.

We deal with it. If our Significant Others are truly Significant to us, we find ways to bring some of that magic back in to our relationships. If they’re not, and it’s simply a matter of letting go of a relationship that’s run its course all the way to the end, then we do exactly what you’re doing now.

Good for you for letting go before you take the next step. No matter what you specifically articulated X number of years ago and she knowingly agreed to, you have twelve years of unspoken expectations and precedent. Chalking all of that up to some kind of non-contractual Relationship Bonus and doing what thou wilt would have been the coward’s way out.

Good luck.

9

Re-reading the paragraph that starts with “It wasn’t. Working, I mean.” I don’t think the breakup had all that much to do with being a polyamorousist. Sometimes relationships just end, ya’know?

10

Someone in threads like this is always willing to condemn all polyamorists or open relationship people as sluts and cheaters. As soon as I read the portion of the OP that mentioned polyamory I knew there would be a post like that.

11

Agreed. I think 12 years is a pretty good run for a relationship actually.

As far as the whole fear of ending up homeless and alone in your old age, do you have any nieces or nephews or something? I’ve always maintained that single childless people should try to maintain some connections with younger folks to make sure there is someone who can look out for them when they are older and may not be able to speak up for their interests. Working in hospitals, I’ve seen cases of elderly people who didn’t have any descendents or had outlived everyone else where it would have been very helpful to have some younger friend or relative around to help make decisions for the person.

12

i disagree. i know a relationship is more complicated than can be summarised in an OP plus i do not know AHunter3’s character. i’ll just post to the OP at face value.

12 years had been a waste of time for both of you, especially her if she had secretly been wanting a child and family. 12 years is too long for a cruise relationship where apparently, at least one party didn’t have the desire to set a destination. the break up came at least 7 years too late. if you’re not commited, you try your best and let it go, not let it drift for this long…

again, i apologise for taking this out of context. i am replying more for lavenderviolet’s quoted comment actually.

13

I disagree with you entirely shijinn - what’s wrong with enjoying a cruise and just seeing where it takes you?

It strikes me that there are no prizes for achievement in relationships, nor should there be. For some of us it’s just about the Venerable Bede’s sparrow flitting through the lighted hall, and sharing some part of that brief time with other human beings. Time spent with people with whom you find and share love seems to me very rarely wasted. It sounds like the OP and his then partner established a framework for a relationship that worked at some levels for them for a while, and later it didn’t work for them any more (or at least for the OP).

Where did you get that the OP’s ex held or expressed any thwarted desire for ‘family’ and children? Just because she’s female and that’s what we want?

**AHunter3 **I found your account touching in places actually - a very adult and dignified goodbye to something you once held dear. Good luck with the next phase of your life, wherever the journey takes you.

14

I have to admit, I’m with beowulff on this one. It is hard for me to muster much sympathy for a guy that loses a relationship he never committed to in the first place.

Relationships mean sacrifice and commitment. Some people in this thread seem to think relationships are just an arrangement of mutual convenience. Sure, “sharing a brief time with another human being” is fine and all, but polyamourism ensures it will be brief. The O.P. is going to end up dying alone by his own choice.

Not much sympathy from me.

15

As expected and predicted. Sometimes I wish the Dope would surprise me even once a month or so.

16

Now I would be surprised if a message board with thousands of users all thought exactly the same way I did.

Maybe you should start your own board, and only allow yourself to join…

17

I don’t expect everyone to think the way I do. I do expect them to argue a little more maturely than “This isn’t the way NORMAL people have relationships. No wonder you suck!” Or maybe even, you know, agree to disagree and not try to impose their own sexual morality on others.

18

So your definition of “imposing morality” is calling a spade a spade?

19

The thing is, jayjay, polyamourism isn’t an inborn trait. Unlike other sexual lifestyles it is truly a choice. The O.P. has chosen not to make a lasting, exclusive contact with another person. He admits he doesn’t want that. Ever.

I actually find it sad that the guy is so wounded that he rationalizes his previous relationship as an “experiment with monogamy”. But the fact remains that he made his lonely bed. I’m not going to give him sympathy for having to lie in it.

20

It’s as inborn as monogamy is. Which is to say, it may be or it may not be. Monogamy is obviously not a universal innate trait for humans. If it were, there would be no infidelity. To claim that monogamy is inborn but nonmonogamy isn’t is a joke. Monogamy is highly prized and believed to be the only moral relationship style for cultural/religious reasons.

In reality, for some people it is natural. For others, it’s not. Where the misery comes in is when people are expected to follow the path that’s not natural to them. I agree that the original relationship in the OP was possibly ill-formed…both of them were pretty reluctant about altering their styles. But I refuse to accept that a) the relationship foundered and b) the OP is doomed to a life of loneliness because of his polyamory.

Now, admittedly, maybe poly/open works better in the gay world where there’s more acceptance for it. That doesn’t mean there aren’t straight poly communities and groups online and in real life.

And it doesn’t mean that expressing sneering contempt for someone who is honest about their nonmonogamy to a potential partner is acceptable or polite.