I’m going to the farmer’s market with my husband when I get done with work in less than two hours. I haven’t been to the Wednesday afternoon one yet this year. I was talking to a girl at work and she said there’s a masseuse there giving chair massages and he’s really good. I asked her what spa he works for and, lo and behold, it’s my ex-fiancee. (He owns his own business, so I know it’s him.)
So what do I do when I inevitably run into him? I mean, I’d love to rub it in his face that I’m married to a wonderful guy, etc. but I know that would make my hubs uncomfortable. I don’t want to try to hide in the crowd, hoping he doesn’t see me (that always seems to make a person more obvious!). I’ve run into other exes, but none of them were super serious like this ex. Also, none were this emotionally fragile and needy (he’s struggled with depression for decades), and I know it would crush him if I just flippantly blew him off. Even though I don’t love him anymore, I still don’t want to hurt him and be an ass.
*And she handed me twenty dollars,
For a two fifty fare, she said
“Harry, keep the change.”
Well another man might have been angry,
And another man might have been hurt,
But another man never would have let her go…
I stashed the bill in my shirt.
*–Harry Chapin, Taxi
Or be civil and act like a grownup. You’re going to a farmer’s market with your husband, not to the sock hop with your cooler boyfriend.
Keep it brief and neutral. If he’s fragile and needy, he really doesn’t need you rubbing his face in it. And if if he isn’t and he can tell you’re trying to rub his face in it, it just makes you look more insecure.
Yeah, if you don’t want to snub him, you should just be friendly and say hi, chat for a minute or two and then excuse yourself to finish your shopping. Introduce your husband to him if they’ve never met, but just at the “this is my husband Dan” level, not the “this is my husband Dan, the super smart architect who has a much bigger penis than you” level. (He’ll assume the latter anyway, no need to rub his nose in it.)
Part of me still hurts a little about the way things ended (won’t get into details here), so that hurt 20-year-old in me wants to show off, you know, that someone will love me, despite what he may have said. The more mature (and a few years older) married woman in me is concerned for my husband’s comfort and just wants to blow past the whole thing. But part of being a grown-up is facing your past…
I’m just trying to find the most cordial and least uncomfortable way to do that…
My girlfriend will eventually have to meet (and probably – with me – have dinner with) my ex-wife (and her mother, but that’s a different story). We all live in the same town, my divorce was amicable, my girlfriend’s curious … it’s just almost certainly going to happen eventually.
But if that’s not the case for you, tdn’s hit the nail on the head.
Which part would make your husband uncomfortable? Finding out you’re a vindictive and spiteful harpy? Or maybe the part where he imagines you doing this to him when you inevitably divorce?
This seems a little unfair. It is the most natural thing in the world to want to show someone that snubbed you that you are doing fine (better even) without them. When you get dumped (especially if it is in a nasty way) that can be quite a blow to the ego that can take a while to get over.
It is also natural that a current partner would feel rather uncomfortable here. If your SO was dumped. There is the nagging doubt that you are second choice and the Ex could still get your SO back or something.
It isn’t as though the OP has acted on these feelings. In fact she seems to be looking for the best and most mature way to handle a situation that (due to human nature) will be designed to be awkward.
I would assume that he is a busy small business owner who is at the market to serve customers and make connections, and has no time for old relationship drama. And then I’d approach him accordingly … or not approach him at all, if he is obviously busy. Say hello, how nice he’s supporting the market, best wishes, exit. Perhaps mention that the coworker said nice things about him. And if my SO happens to be off looking at the cider at that moment, no big deal.
I’m so totally over you that I spend time during the day fretting about how I should act when I meet you later.
If the OP were indeed so over this person/the past, the “natural” behavior would be tdn’s suggestion, and it wouldn’t have required a forum discussion to figure out. The husband would be right to have doubt.
I worked at a job with a group of 20-somethings, two of whom hooked up, were in a dramatic relationship, and had a dramatic breakup. The girl half began dating another guy right away and one night came in to pick up her paycheck, arm in arm with New Guy (“nyahh, nyahh, look who I got!”), and left, head held high… The guy half, observing all this, turned to me, laughing and shaking his head, and said, “Is THAT the best she could do?” He wasn’t covering up his secret hurt, he was genuinely amused.
One good way <I’ve found> to get through a possible uncomfortable situation is to pretend you’re going to get the reaction you want. What you want is for your ex to not be uncomfortable, right? Then don’t presume he will be. Don’t set him up to be ‘crushed’; it’s been a while. Your relationship changed him, no matter how it ended, so he is not the same person anyway.
Act naturally and comfortably and chances are good <unless he literally has no control whatsoever over his brains/emotions/weiner <as a masseur, I’m sure he’s learned some> he will just follow your lead.
