So you fall in love with someone, marry them, are together for a while, presumably have some good times, and then eventually the bad starts to outweigh the good and you get a divorce.
My question is simply: what is it like to see that person afterwards? This is someone you slept next to, perhaps had children with, probably thought you would be with for the rest of your life. How do you relate to that person afterwards? Do you ever get to the point where you can share old times, bring up old in-jokes? Is that too painful? Any/all experiences are welcome.
I’ve only seen my ex-wife once since the divorce was finalized 13 years ago. We were in the same store. It was a few years later and I had remarried and had two kids. She wasn’t too surprised at those developments since we split up for two reasons - I wanted a better wife (she was a good person but I gave a lot and got very little out of the relationship) and I wanted kids. I asked how her mother was doing. She asked about my family. That was it. I believe she still lives in this area but our paths haven’t crossed again in ten years.
I can’t answer, because I sometimes wonder the same thing.
One of my best friends is currently in hospital, he just had a brain tumour (partially) removed and then emergency surgery for blood clots rights after that. His divorced parents visit him every day. I’ve known them for a long time, and they got divorced just a few years ago. They are both really wonderful people, both artists and teachers. They had 3 kids of their own + 2 adopted. He’s quiet and relaxed with a massive beard and she is more fierce. And when I see them together they are so totally chilled. They just seem like they should be together. It’s kinda weird. I don’t know why they split up… I mean, fair enough, if you don’t love each other anymore and you don’t want to share a house or something.
Point being: to outsiders they sort of give off “vibes”. Like… if you didn’t know they were divorced you’d try to set them up together. Really weird.
But probably unusual, considering the vitriol that tends to go with divorce.
We’ve been at our kids’ weddings, but not sat next to each other. On a couple of occasions she tried to run some of her scolding at me and I’ve just laughed at her. Old habits die hard, I guess. Seeing her has zero impact on me other than curiosity as to what she looks like. I have no feelings for her other than relief that I’m no longer married to her. She lives in the same small town as the kids, but on normal visits I never see her and have no desire to.
I’m sure everyone has a different reaction, depending on the reasons for the split and the circumstances.
In my case, my wife of 6 years suddenly (well, it was sudden to ME- I imagine she’d been thinking about it for some time) announced she didn’t want to be married any more.
Once we were apart, she was eager to be “friends,” but I found it unbearable to be around her.
I haven’t seen her in at least 15 years, but even after we’d been living apart for ages, I found it weird and uncomfortable to be anywhere near her. I’m glad we didn’t have any children, so that there’s no need for me to be a part of her life. Because I suspect that, even now, I’d feel awkward around her.
Divorced 7.5 years ago. We keep it cordial for the kids when we’re in company together, and we’ll keep it that way into the future, most likely. They’re teenagers now (18 & 14) so the amount we’re forced to interact has grown marginally less.
Friendship? No thanks. We tend to avoid each other whenever we can, mostly because I definitely find him annoying and he seems to feel the same about me. Some of the same issues that contributed to the divorce (responsibility levels, views of our roles as parents, competitiveness, etc.) likely spark those feelings. I’m just so done with his methods of doing things, so I try to expose myself to them as little as possible - and that goes for anyone else who behaves in similar fashion. So it’s not personal, per se, we just don’t like each other.
We are good friends and still have a shared dog as well as a few friends in common. We see each other a couple times a month for one reason or another. Her sister is coming for a visit soon and I’m definitely going to get dinner with the two of them. I still consider her family but we have no romantic connection at all.
Do you treat the dog like child custody where you get the dog on the weekends or swap it out once a month or what?
My ex wanted dogs and I didn’t really care one way or the other so when we split she took the dogs. I missed them for a while but soon got over it.
After we split we had to meet up the next year to get papers together for taxes. She had some and I had some other ones and we both needed both. We met at the H&R Block and chit-chatted for about 20 minutes and then an agent opened up and she went in to do her taxes. It wasn’t weird or awkward for me and we were friendly and asked how the families were doing and stuff like that but their was no romantic feelings at all on my part.
I kept the house which has a yard and she bought a condo without a yard so the dog lives with me. It’s totally informal. She will want to take the pup for a walk or something once a week or so and she’ll call or text and I’ll tell her if it’s ok which it usually is. Sometimes I go along if I’m in the mood. When I’m out of town, she takes care of her full time.
I was married for 10 years and have been divorced now for 24 years. We had two children, so we’ve seen each other a lot for brief periods, picking up or dropping off the kids. She remarried about 10 years ago, I never have. I’m glad she seems happy now, we’re still friendly when we talk, we didn’t hate each other, we just weren’t very good together.
I don’t wish my ex-wife any ill, but on the rare occasions I see her she gives me the willies. Too many bad memories, and I wonder “How in the hell was I married to this person for 10+ years?”
She became a professor at a nearby college, and by virtue of that our son was able to get his bachelor’s degree there several years ago at a greatly reduced cost. The last time I saw her was at his graduation ceremonies several years ago. I sought her out afterwards and thanked her for making this possible, and I meant it.
The exchange was cordial…and the more years that pass between then and now, the better.
Been divorced 25 years, ex comes over for coffee at least a couple of times a week, she gives me a call each morning over coffee just to talk for maybe 5 min. We seldom talk on a very personnal level, same as when we were married.
Ding. I’m just finishing up a divorce (South Carolina has barbaric rules that make it take more than a year) from my wife/partner of 26 years. It was her idea and we split things up pretty easily.
But man, when we spend time together it’s both the most comfortable I’m with anyone and exquisitely painful.
I’m not divorced, but I have worked with a lot of families, so I have seen all kinds of levels of friendships between exes. In my experience, people who have children either tend to form a friendship, or have the relationship become more and more acrimonious. Also, any time once spouse cheated, that was pretty much the end of the relationship. I also knew once couple who were friends for a couple of years before they got married, and remained friends after they got divorced. They had all sorts of interests in common, and made great platonic friends, but I can see why the marriage didn’t work-- I think they tried to force a romance because they were so “good” together. I also know another couple who got married really young, then got divorced when the husband came out. For ten years, there was a lot of resentment, then the wife came out as well, and after that, they became friends, because they started meeting up on a lot of gay activism campaigns. They were always really politically active, and that was how they got together in the first place. I think maybe they mistook political fervor for sexual passion.
Second husband and I have a mostly-cordial relationship, but that took some time. (We divorced because his affair came to light when his current wife took pregnant.) We have minor children, so we have to work together for a few more years. His wife and I nod and say hello when we must. Interactions are a lot more comfortable when she’s not around.
I don’t interact with my first husband, and would be very, very uncomfortable around him, thanks to the domestic violence that ended the marriage. Assuming the normal course of things, we aren’t likely to be in the same room together until one or both of our kids marry and choose to have the big family to-do. If that happens, I’ll be as polite as necessary and avoid him as much as possible.
