Tell me about your unplanned pregnancy.

[overlyverbose]

Please. I'm freaking out. I just found out I'm pregnant even though I'm still breastfeeding and on the mini-pill (I guess the mini-pill is part of the problem). I don't know what to do - this was completely unplanned (obviously). We were done with having kids. Our youngest just turned 14 months. We might not even have the finances to have a 3rd. I don't know what to do!

Please tell me that, whatever we decide, this will be ok. Please. I'm terrified.

[Ferret Herder]

Whatever you decide, things will turn out OK. I'd hug you if I could, so please consider yourself hugged.

I know there are various options and you may or may not think that some of them are all right for you at all or just at this time, but one important step is probably finding out how far along you are.

If you don't have insurance, Planned Parenthood has a sliding scale - and yes, they cover caring for pregnant mothers and their babies; I'm not advocating ending this, or advocating any decision over another. Just pointing out a healthcare option that gets overlooked.

I don't have any stories to share; I just wanted to give you a response to read and hopefully help comfort you.

[Lissla Lissar]

Our first one was unplanned. I was quite sure we were going to wait a few months before we tried for kids. We didn't have our finances in order, we were going to wait and save some more...

He just turned three and he's lovely.

[Dung Beetle]

One, everything’s going to be okay.

Two, I am so sorry you’re having to go through this. It’s an awful feeling. Ask me how I know!

[purplehorseshoe]

Awww, overly, I can feel your terror in your words.

Whatever you decide, it will be OK. It might not feel that way now, but it'll be OK. You might occasionally second-guess yourself for the rest of your days, but that doesn't mean you won't be OK.

Deep breath.

Deep breath.

[MsWhatsit]

When I found out I was pregnant with Whatsit Jr. (now age 9) I wasn't married, Mr. Whatsit (then Boyfriend Whatsit) had just been laid off from his job, and we were living in a little one-bedroom house that was totally, totally inappropriate for kids. To say that the timing was bad would be an understatement.

It totally worked out OK, though. And you will be OK, too. No matter what you decide.

[Little Bird]

I was unplanned. My parents married about 5 months before I was born (after having broken up due to geographical distance). They just celebrated their 30th anniversary and I think I turned out just fine, thankyouverymuch.

[thirdwarning]

Twenty-two years ago I was almost exactly where you are. I remember sitting in the living room, rocking and nursing my 16-monther, and crying. Fortunately she was asleep, because I was also apologizing profusely to her for allowing this to happen, for making her be 'not the baby' anymore, for taking attention away from her, for all kinds of things.
The reason for all those tears is in her bedroom right now, my beautiful, exasperating, surprising 'baby girl'.

When I told my husband I thought I was pregnant, he told me he'd been thinking we should stop with two. She slipped in there just in time, and I've always been glad she did.

It will work out.

And on a practical note, the third is much less costly than the first one or two, because you already have most of what you need.

In the meantime, I understand.

[Taomist]

My mother was where you are, only with the fourth child. And the youngest of the three was already 8. My folks were pretty much ONLY together because of the kids, so this really, really did not help at all. And my mom had been on birth control of one kind or another for all four conceptions...this one was with the Pill, which the doctor didn't bother to adjust over time; something about it not working after 5 years, or somewhat? Whatever...angry, trapped, guilty, afraid...I know my mom went through all of that. Not to mention dealing with a husband who pretty much hit the bars after work at least 3 nights a week.

My baby sister's middle name is Jean, who is the neighbor-friend of my mother's who was the ONLY one to not insist that an abortion was the only way to go.

This is coming from someone who has chosen abortion during the only time I had to worry about something like this, so don't think I, or any one else, is pushing anything.

But whatever you choose, it will be ok. It *will* be ok. Harder than you expected your life to be at this point, but it will be ok.

And please don't feel guilty about feeling bad. Pregnancy can be scary under the best of conditions; just freak out a little while.

[EvilTOJ]

First, I've never been pregnant as I don't have the right plumbing.

Two, EvilSon was an accident too. I was young and stupid back then, and had literally no experience with raising children. He's doing just fine in life, I love him more than anything, and has an older half-sister to look up to as well.

Everyone is right; everything is going to be OK. :-) It's not OK right now though. Oh no. no. No it's not OK now. But soon everything will be OK. In the meantime, how about some sage advice.

[Kricket]

I hate laptops! I had a nice long post and since my computer is taking a dirt nap and I'm sneaking on my husbands and not used to it, my stupid thumbs hit something and I lost it.

This reminds me of how my youngest daughter came along. The one difference is she is the youngest of five and I found out at my six week check up after just having a ten and a half pound boy.

I had been trying to nurse my son and was failing horribly and kept telling the nurses and lactation folks that even though it was my first time nursing something just didn't feel right. I tried everything and just wasn't able to nurse him even though they kept telling me that everything seemed right. I know that there have been people that can still nurse while pregnant, but being pregnant so soon my body just wasn't able to feed me, my little music man, and the baby inside.

My husband didn't deal with the news well and that made for even more stress aside from the fact that we didn't have the room or money for one more. I know some don't agree, but I'm of the mind that I was broke and happy with four, I could be broke and happy with five. We did get a little help from the state all of those years ago. I believe that state aid can be a good thing if it's used as a way to supliment not a way of life. We worked our butts off to be broke and happy.

I made plans to get my tubes tied after she was born and my good friend at the time (hubby's first wife) joked she was going to sleep in my room after delivery before the surgery so that way there was no chance of me getting pregnant before they could do the surgery.

~hugs~ You can do this! I know there are many Dopers along with myself who will be here for you.

And in the post that went missing because of my stupid thumbs I was writting about an idea that I don't know if it has been thought of before.

There are a lot of Doper exchanges folks do around here and maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to have a Doper hand me down. Clothes, toys, car seats, unopened baby food or formula. Hand me downs are great within a small family, they are better with a large family like we have here. So many Doper familys to share!

Back on topic, my youngest daughter is now 13 and she is an amazing young lady. I wouldn't change it for the world. She wasn't unplanned she just came along a bit earlier than expected. All of my children are amazing.

I guess I don't have any helpfull advice but just wanting to let you know that one more person has been in that terrifying situation and is here for you if you need an ear or a shoulder however you decide to go with this.

I lurk more than I post but you can PM me or reach me at FaceBook if you do that.

~big hugs from one stressed out mom to another~

[Moonlitherial]

As the mother of two spectacular unplanned children and as someone who has had one abortion - it will all be okay. No matter what you decide it will work out. Both having the abortion and having the children were the right decisions at the time. Take deep breaths and give yourself a break. There is no fault to be assigned, life happens and now you just need to feel what you need to in order to get to the point where you can think about making a decision. Give yourself time to get used to the knowledge before you decide what to do with it.

[Alice The Goon]

Oh, honey, I know exactly how you are feeling right now and you have every right to feel that way, so don't feel guilty about it.

It will be okay. Whatever you decide to do, it will be okay. Just keep telling yourself that. It will be okay.

[emmaliminal]

Whatever you decide to do, it will be OK! Really really really! It will.

I have been pregnant twice in my life. Once at age 19, terminated at about 9 weeks. That was the right decision. I'd just started an undergraduate degree program at a private college on a full-ride scholarship . . . etc. and stuff. I went to Planed Parenthood and saw a wonderful doctor, a man whose life work had been better reproductive health for women in that city and also in rural parts of the undeveloped world. He and the staff were friendly, welcoming, serious, professional, and gentle.

The second time: a year ago next Wednesday. I was 40 and had just finished chemo and radiation therapy (I've told parts of this story on the boards before, I think) for tongue cancer. I was unemployed, my husband was seriously underemployed and hadn't finished writing his dissertation after 10 years in his PhD program, and we were taking huge gifts of money from my parents every month to pay the bills. I thought I had indigestion from chemo killing off my good bacteria, but I was really 20 months along (that'll put a rumble in your gut, all right). I have never been so scared in my life. Now we have a perfectly healthy, super-adorable baby boy. (In other developments, the PhD is finished, I have a job making almost twice what I did before I was laid off, and I'm apparently in full remission.) As a friend of mine said when we announced the pregnancy, we should probably expect our son to be a superhero, given his origin story.

Someone could easily argue, if they wanted to, or just imagine quietly to themselves, that either of those decisions was wrong. They would be full of it. Two of the hardest decisions I've ever made, but I got 'em right.

[Alice The Goon]

Originally Posted by emmaliminal

I thought I had indigestion from chemo killing off my good bacteria, but I was really 20 months along...

Whoa, that musta been one huge baby!

[overlyverbose]

Thank you so much for all your support! My husband and I are going to the doctor Thursday to discuss it. I don't know what to think, so I think I'll freak out for a while.

I called my husband to tell him that I needed him to come to the doctor with me and he started laughing. That actually made me feel a lot better. When I asked if he was laughing because he was happy or out of sheer disbelief, he said both.

I think the worst part about today is that I found out while I was at work (I ran out, got the test and used it in the pharmacy ladies' room). It's not easy to concentrate when you get news like that. I should've waited, but on some level I just knew.

[purplehorseshoe]

Originally Posted by Alice The Goon

Whoa, that musta been one huge baby!

I was just doing the math m'self when Overly came back in with her update...

Ummm ... well, at least, now you KNOW, y'know? Wish I had something more useful to offer than that. This is between you, your husband, and you.

[overlyverbose]

Originally Posted by purplehorseshoe

I was just doing the math m'self when Overly came back in with her update...

Ummm ... well, at least, now you KNOW, y'know? Wish I had something more useful to offer than that. This is between you, your husband, and you.

Yeah - I almost decided to wait another week before taking the test. I reminded myself, though, that regardless of what we choose to do, knowing earlier rather than later is better. At least that way I have more time to think.

It is kind of funny, though. I made the promise to myself after I had my first that I wouldn't make any absolute promises to myself anymore about my children. Then we have number two and I subsequently make the "firm" decision not to have anymore. Fast forward to this afternoon. Jesus H. Christ. Life is amused by people who make plans, huh?

[overlyverbose]

I just thought of something else kind of funny (my sense of humor is returning - this is good): in the thread about ideal child spacing, I said I wished my kids had been no more than 18 months apart, but no more than 2 years. I guess you should be careful what you wish for.

If we have this one, my two youngest will be just under 2 years apart, give or take.

Okay, just swung back on the pendulum from bemused/amused to holy shit. Back to freaking out.

[purplehorseshoe]

Originally Posted by overlyverbose

... Life is amused by people who make plans, huh?

Yes, yes it is. Boy howdy ain't that the truth. You also *cough* might want to check your PMs.

[emmaliminal]

Gaaah! 20 WEEKS. Weeks. Not months. Sorry!

[lorene]

Originally Posted by MsWhatsit

When I found out I was pregnant with Whatsit Jr. (now age 9) I wasn't married, Mr. Whatsit (then Boyfriend Whatsit) had just been laid off from his job, and we were living in a little one-bedroom house that was totally, totally inappropriate for kids. To say that the timing was bad would be an understatement.

It totally worked out OK, though. And you will be OK, too. No matter what you decide.

For reals? Change the gender of the kids and subtract a year, and that was my situation exactly---not married, BF not working, one-BR apartment living over a pizza shop and a liquor store.

Honestly, overlyverbose, I envy you a little. We were never in a position where deciding to have a 3rd was going to happen, but I am always a little bit sad that we stopped at 2. A surprise would have taken care of that nicely.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Dangerosa]

My daughter was a surprise. And while we wanted two, my son had just arrived (he was adopted and arrived home at 6 months) and I was not ready to have two within a year. There was the possibility that the agency might recommend re-placing our son with another family - to have two children arrive in the home within a year is not an ideal adoption circumstance and can lead to issues with attachment - both with the parents and the kids.

She is 11, he is twelve, and the family is well attached and bonded. Well, the kids hate each other, but its normal sibling hate - not serious dysfunctional hate.

[thirdwarning]

Originally Posted by overlyverbose

I just thought of something else kind of funny (my sense of humor is returning - this is good): in the thread about ideal child spacing, I said I wished my kids had been no more than 18 months apart, but no more than 2 years. I guess you should be careful what you wish for.

If we have this one, my two youngest will be just under 2 years apart, give or take.

There are almost six years between our first and second. Between the second and third? 11 days short of two years. It wasn't the way I wanted it, but it did work.

How you feel is okay. You'll figure it out.

[Lacunae Matata]

It will be all right, regardless of what you choose to do. (And glad your sense of humor is returning.)

My unplanned one is in my lap nursing right now. Her father and I were seriously dating, engaged, but not yet married, when ... TA DAH! Not such an unusual situation, except that we were both 40, I thought I was finished with reproducing, and he had been told many years earlier that he would never father a child, thanks to some previous medical issues. Today, we are very happily married, and proud parents of 10-month-old Lily - who is also doted upon by her 10-year-old sister and her 13-year-old brother.

(We're just hoping that we get her out of diapers before we need Depends!)

[ShelliBean]

No pregnancy of mine has been planned. My youngest is 6 and I got pregnant with him by the "rebound guy" after my divorce. He was supposed to have had a vasectomy. I cried and stomped my feet and yelled and screamed. I didn't like being pregnant, I was fresh off heartbreak, I had just bought a new pair of size four jeans for the first time, and I had just gotten rid of the diapers with his older brother.

I know no one (probably) is going to come in here and say "damn I regret my kid" and I'm not going to say that either. It can be hard. But I really can't imagine it any other way. I got "fixed" when I had him and I've always known he is the end, last one out of Saigon, empty manger, no more babies point and maybe that (and maybe a little guilt over how I handled the news of his presence) has given us a bond that is a bit different - it's cuddlier; it's made me more affectionate with him and his brother. I've been proud of how his older brother has shown such a gentleness and sense of humor in our little family. It's the three us and that has made it sometimes difficult and more loyal to one another than I would have imagined. I did not want children, but I am so appreciative of how the experience of both my boys has changed me.

[CanvasShoes]

My "surprise" is 19 years old (as of last September). Up until the time I got pregnant, I thought an unplanned pregnancy would be the absolute end of my life. It all worked out okay. Sure, things were very difficult financially for awhile, but the time when they're small doesn't last that long. It'll be okay, really!

[Nava]

Whatever you choose, it will be OK.

I wish I'd known about Planned Parenthood when I was first in the US, as a graduate student - I also think that as Ferret Herder already mentioned they're likely to be the best option for many women in this kind of situations, both because of the affordability and because they offer both options and push none.

Whatever way you go, it will be OK.

[Khadaji]

It occurs sometime in the future - when I'm so stinking rich my girlfriend, who is only after me for my money (which is OK 'cause I'm only there for her tits), announces that my vasectomy failed.

[overlyverbose]

Thanks again for all your support - I knew I could count on the Dope!

My husband and I talked last night. We're going to talk to the doc tomorrow to see how far along and whether it's healthy and go from there. Assuming it's healthy, we're both leaning heavily toward keeping it, though with serious reservations. Still, you're all right. It's not the end of the world, and I could be in a much, much worse situation than I am now.

[Khadaji]

overlyverbose, after re-reading I forgot to add my support and luck wishes. Please know that I meant to make you smile, I wasn't making light of your situation.

Best of luck!

[Quartz]

Sounds like you're in need of a prescription of chocolate and ice cream!

[Nava]

Would that be chocolate ice cream or melted chocolate poured over ice cream, Quartz?

[Chicken Fingers]

My kids were unplanned, and every time it took me months to adjust, accept, and realize we'd find a way to manage. Your reaction sounds pretty normal. Don't be hard on yourself.

[Quartz]

Originally Posted by Nava

Would that be chocolate ice cream or melted chocolate poured over ice cream, Quartz?

Why not both?

[Ann Onimous]

Boy, do I understand. Both of our children were, well, not on our schedule. My cycles were regular, so we were on the pill, a contraceptive foam, and rhythm method. All at once. And both times, I became pregnant.

The first was frightening, in that we found out the exact night my husband was planning to propose. He has a very strict family, and we figured we were in for it when we told them. But they welcomed the news and were all at the hospital when he was born. Our daughter is 13 months younger than our son, and as they have grown up, we think it's the perfect age difference. They are the best of friends, in the same school grade, same activities at church, and even play the same instrument: and they love being around each other. Most of the time, anyway.

No matter what you decide, it will all work out. And you have the support of all of us, no matter what.

{{{overlyverbose}}}

[Ellen Cherry]

It will be OK, Overly, it will, it will it will! I'm the proud owner of a darling 6-year-old boy, which I delivered about a month shy of my 41st birthday. Upon reading the pee stick, I burst into tears! Such an old ma! But now I think I'll be young forever.

[Rushgeekgirl]

Both my girls were unplanned. First pregnancy I was 18 and just married for two months. It was nothing but wonderful. Father and I didn't last more than a few months so it was just us together for years and years. Now she's 21 and we're very very close. I had a miscarriage when I actually tried to get pregnant when I was married for the second time so I won't go into those details, but I was told without surgery I'd probably never carry to term or even get pregnant because I had such scarring in and around my girlbits.

Imagine my surprise when I was 35, enjoying the single life and my fun job in construction, finding out I was pregnant and the father was a guy I really liked but had no serious relationship with!

I almost had an abortion. It wouldn't have traumatized me, having been through it at 15. I really didn't want to be pregnant again and of course I couldn't work at all, probably shouldn't have been in the first place given all the chemicals I was exposed to. I don't know why I didn't. I just kinda lived in denial until it was too late, to be honest.

But it's turned out great. My little Bellita is an amazing girl. She was born with sensory issues and language comprehension issues but at six she has become such a charmer. I've never regretted anything, even when things were really really bad. And now things are really really good so it's all worked out for the best.

[Rilchiam]

My mom was forty when she had me (unplanned). I think she never really bounced back from the post-partum depression.

[limegreen]

Wow! I could have written that OP. Our first child was unplanned but hoped for, our second (three years later) was planned, and only six months into enjoying that baby, I found out I was pregnant again. He became our only son, who is sixteen now and six feet tall. Looking back, I don't know how I coped with three that close together, but having friends with babies helped. Each mom took one morning a week and kept all the kids, while the others could do errands. That was great, and realizing that diapers and bottles don't last forever helped, too. I'll repeat the mantra from above: It Will Be Okay.

[irishgirl]

You know what is right for your- trust yourselves and it will be ok.

You know you've always got us to moan to anyway!

[maggenpye]

Whatever you choose will be right. A good friend of mine did not have her surprise 3rd child. It was the right thing for her.

What a great husband, to respond with laughter.

It reminds me of when I rang my parents to tell them of my (very) unplanned pregnancy and told dad I had a problem, I was pregnant. Dad, who had been my biggest supporter of not wanting the responsibility of motherhood for the past 32 years replied;

"Ok, you're pregnant. Now, what's this problem you've got?"

It meant rearranging my whole life, but she's still the best surprise I ever got.

Hugs.

[Nava]

Originally Posted by Quartz

Why not both?

I like how you think

[rhubarbarin]

I've known so many women who've gone through unplanned pregnancies and you know what? It almost always turns out okay. Hardly ever easy, but I think almost every case I have heard about they feel they made the right decision, whatever it was.

My littlest sister was a 'surprise' (as my parents like to say) and of course she is awesome. My parents certainly weren't planning on having a third child, didn't want kids close together (I am 5 years older than second sister - little sisters are 25 months apart, so almost the same spacing as in your case), and we never had much money, but it all worked out fine, even given the other crap life threw at us. And I never wanted to go to college, so my parents only have to pay for two educations anyway.

My boss just had her third child in December - 17 and 11 years after the first two (and all three were totally unplanned/unanticipated)! At least you have a normal spacing if you're having another baby. And it sounds like you have a great husband.

[Avarie537]

When boy #1 was just shy of 16 months old, I was late. Like ... two weeks late. I was on the mini-pill and breastfeeding, but I guess that wasn't enough. Ours are about 22 months apart and now that they are 3 and almost 5 they are the best of friends and thick as thieves.

Whatever you choose will be the best for you all.

[eclectic wench]

Hugs. Hugs. Hugs.

Whatever you decide, it will absolutely, absolutely be OK.

[lindsaybluth]

A small part of me is thinking "yay! another half brownie in the world "

That said.....I know you've mentioned how much childcare you do, how your husband sleeps a lot on the weekends and that means you have the kids with you all the time...how important your career is to you and how much it costs to keep the kids in Motessori and give them a good education. Those are all really serious considerations to have. Can you survive with a 3rd child all day at the mall or grocery shopping? While you cook dinner? I was 8 when the Littlest Bluth was born; I could give him a bottle or change his diaper or play with him. Your son will be 5; that's still a very young, needy age.

If having a 3rd would impact things like saving for college for your two or cause your career to truly stagnate, I would really think hard about it.

Plus there's your boss; you're the provider of the health insurance and I'm sure you've read many stories on the dope about women being fired, laid off, downsized, etc for having another kid. It wouldn't be wise to risk losing your job or health insurance for an unplanned kid.

My mom found out she was pregnant with the Littlest Bluth at 39, a total accident. My dad and her were supposed to go to a parent training class the next month (to learn helpful parenting techniques, and unlearn Indian ones). They never made it to the class...and even if they had, where's the incentive for him to improve? The threat of you leaving him if he's not a good parent is out the window when you have a 3rd. We had a rubber ball incident like you had, too. It's not something to take lightly just because it's in the past. It will happen again. And his psyche will be shaped by it.

The Littlest Bluth is great; he's hilarious and smart and I cherish our relationship. He actually values his life far more than your average 15 year old because he knows he was a surprise.

But my father's parenting never did change probably as a result of him coming along. And his relationship with our middle brother - the first son - has always been rough and likely will never improve. And it breaks my mother's heart.

[Sattua]

lindsay sweetie... this is one of those threads that you probably should have stayed out of.

[overlyverbose]

And the plot thickens…

I went to bed last night with cramping and a teeny little bit of bleeding. Woke up and there’s a light trickle. Got to mid-morning and passed a clot. I’ve been bleeding very lightly – but fairly bright blood and one more very small clot and occasional teeny bits of tissue – and cramping on and off in my abdomen, back and hips ever since. I spoke to my doctor today and got an internal exam, and his verdict is that he doesn’t know if this is a viable pregnancy or not. I’ve had a blood test to confirm; I’ll get the results tomorrow and maybe have more lab work next week.

A selfish, horrible part of me is hoping I’ll miscarry, if only so someone else, even nature, will make the decision we’re facing for us. Another part of me is concerned and a little sad. Yet another part of me is wondering what happens if this is a threatened miscarriage – do I want to go through the steps we’d have to take to prevent a miscarriage, knowing that this wasn’t planned?

Sometimes I hate, hate, hate being an adult. And thanks for your support everyone – this is a really confusing time.

[Alice The Goon]

At this point a miscarriage is usually nature's way of dealing with serious defects- sorry to say, but probably better to let it take it's course. Also understandable that knowing how to feel about it is confusing. I never do this, but (((hugs))) to you, ov, and your husband, too.