I know many children are unplanned, and while this doesn’t make them any less wanted or loved, I can imagine it could be a hard sell telling a child that. Does anyone have any experience with that? What have you done and how well did it work?
Do you want only the mother’s experience? Or did you want to hear from children who know they were unplanned (and unwanted, even after birth)?
I always knew I was unplanned. It’s not too hard to figure out, my next oldest sibling is 8 years older than me. It didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m my mother’s favorite kid.
It’s pretty clear my parents’ eldest was unplanned, and my mother told me I was, too. Didn’t affect me in the least. If anything, I always thought she should have had less kids so they could have all gone to Disneyland.
I always knew I was unplanned because my mother was pregnant every two years through the 1960s, and after the two previous to me any rational person would have called it quits, given the choice. Also, we were Catholic, so family planning was frowned upon.
Hell, my parents thought my dad was infertile. They got married when she was 38 and he was 49 and surprise! a year later. Knowing doesn’t bother me. (Knowing they would have aborted me had the amnio come back bad is… a little weird.)
My mother always said she intended to have kids right up to the last minute. She had a pregnancy every 14-18 months, two sets of twins. 7 of us in 6 years. She only stopped with me because she had uterine cancer and they did a hysterectomy when I was born. I have no idea how many siblings I might’ve had.
StG
Like Athena, I’ve always known I was unplanned: my siblings are 10 and 12 years older than me. Mom always told me, “You weren’t an accident — you were a surprise!” Knowing I was unplanned never really bothered me. Knowing that my mother’s health suffered during her pregnancy with me (she was 42 when I was born) was always a bit of a drag.
I asked my Mom that once.
Her response? “Well we planned on having two. You just came a little earlier than was planned. Younger younger brother was a surprise. I went off the pill and there he was!”
Neither of my kids were planned and if the topic came up I would tell them this. I always remember the episode of Roseanne where she told DJ that and he wanted to know what the difference was. She told him that an accident was something that you wished hadn’t happened, and that a surprise was something that you didn’t know you wanted until you got it.
I always thought that was a nice explanation.
Given that my mom was barely 16 when she had me, I always knew that I was unplanned. Mom always was very frank with me about the struggles she went through, from trying to decide whether or not to keep me in the first place, to whether or not she would marry my father (she did not), to what she was going to do with schooling and the like (she ended up going through high school, college, and medical school before I turned 12, and is now very successful). She always made it very clear with me that she loved me very much, but her honesty had the intended side effect of making sure that I never ended up with an unplanned pregnancy. I couldn’t imagine going through what she did, and still can’t.
Being adopted, I’d have to say I was very much NOT planned by one set of parents, and very much planned by the other! 
My younger brother and sister are not adopted, and my mom was pregnant with my brother by the time I was 6 months old, so I’m guessing he was what you would call a “surprise.” But not because they didn’t want more children, but only because they didn’t think they could have any. And, I’m guessing my mom would have like to space us out a little better. But (to answer the OP), she has never, ever said that either of my younger sibs were not planned.
Both I and my brother were unplanned, but wanted, so it’s never been an issue for me. I’m sure if I wasn’t wanted, I might have had a different response. It was always discussed openly. I figure most people throughout the history of humanity have been unplanned, and I have better things to be traumatized over.
I was born a year after my parents were married, when they were dirt poor, so it was always pretty obvious that I was an accident, anyway. My parents (apparently) abstained before marriage, and mom actually told me that she’d had an appointment to get birth control about a week after she had to make an appointment to get a pregnancy test. My response was “Thanks and all…but why in the world didn’t you do that a month or two before you guys got married?” and she just kinda shrugged. With my brother, they’d been trying since I was about 5 or 6, off and on, and he finally showed up when I was a teenager. So again, not planned, but wanted. I still refer to him as a “surprise” when explaining that I have a much younger sibling.
I’d definitely tell my kids whether they were planned or unplanned. It seems to be one of those topics that kids are curious about around the same age they start asking where babies come from.
It’s difficult to think of my mother for any length of time without recalling that she seriously wanted an abortion because having a baby at 17 would curb her partying ways. Since her parents wouldn’t agree to it, she resorted to various drugs and alcohol to see if that would do the job. It resulted in my being born 3 months premature, sadly for her. She handed me off to my grandmother, which was the best thing she could have done.
Anyway, to answer the OP, I would tell my child that they were unplanned, certainly. I’m not so sure I would tell them I considered abortion. If I did, I would hope that they would be like **Drain Bead ** and always be secure in the fact that I loved them.
It’s funny, because I would never think of “was I planned” as a question. As long as you’re loved, what difference would it make? I don’t have any kids, but if I did, I can’t imagine sharing the details of their conceptions.
StG
I’d like to think that my oldest son would answer very similarly to this. He’s known since he was about 10 or so, when he became ‘aware’ of how much younger I was than most of his friend’s moms. I have always been very frank with him and my younger son about the struggles of raising them, but they both have always known they mean the world to me.
I wouldn’t tell my child if s/he were unplanned. There’s no reason that s/he would need to know, and it could cause hard feelings.
My mother didn’t think she could have children, so it’s obvious that my parents didn’t plan my conception. She always wanted a lot of kids, and was devastated that she couldn’t have any, so I was her first (and only*) surprise. Then several years later they adopted my sister.
*Which I’m very glad about…one sibling is enough for me.
I have to agree with everyone else. There is a big difference between unplanned and unwanted. I grew up knowing I was unplanned, and it’s never bothered me. My mother aproaches it as a bit of a joke. I never felt unwanted beyond my early teenage years when that’s a standard feeling anyway.
I have planned and I have surprises. I dont’ think of this information being something I need to break carefully to any of my children. They were all wanted and that’s what we tell them.
We call my daughter “baby surprise.” It isn’t difficult to figure out since we adopted my son and got pregnant with her while waiting for him to arrive home. I knew I was unplanned since I can count the months between my parents marriage and my birth.
I’ve always figured coming clean about easily figureable stuff with your kids is probably best - I don’t want my daughter to think this was some big secret.
I knew I was unplanned, but very wanted, as described here.
Both of my kids were planned, so this is one bullet I can dodge.