Per this story. I’m not familiar with the woman writing the critical email, but apparently she’s a big deal in the UK.
I know the mom seems like a bit of a dragon, but are any of these points valid? (email is edited to address points I am inquiring about)
If the daughter did all that, she’s a bitch.
The mother-in-law is definitely a bitch though.
I never heard of any of these people until an hour ago, and am not going to comment on the choice of wedding venues, but really, does the writer of the e-mail not once stop to think that maybe she should have been concerned for the comfort of someone who was a guest in her home, whether she had slept well and had enough to eat, etc.? Especially someone with whom she will presumably have a relationship for years to come? I mean for chrissakes, if I’m having dinner guests, I always ask if anyone has any dietary issues I should know about. And I’ve certainly never heard of any social convention requiring a guest to ask permission before taking more food at dinner, especially with family or near-family, unless others haven’t eaten yet or it’s not clear there is enough food to go around.
And I have to say, commenting on the finances of the parents of the bride-to-be was in extremely poor taste.
P.S. It’s hard to say who was the Queen Bitch without having been present at the events in question.
the fiance is a impolite.
the mother is a raging, self-centered bitch.
No good can come from this. If they do get hitched, it’ll surely be a short marriage.
I have seen this on a few sites, some with additional information (like daughter in law might be diabetic, explaining the food issues). That said, my thoughts:
*When you are a guest in another’s house, you do not declare what you will and will not eat – unless you are positively allergic to something. * - how about if you are Kosher, Halal, Vegan, Vegetarian or just flat out hate some foods?
*You do not remark that you do not have enough food. * Odd one, sounds bad.
You do not start before everyone else. You start when everyone starts, I agree. The host should invite the guest to start first.
*You do not take additional helpings without being invited to by your host. * The host should notice when the guest’s plate is empty, and offer more.
*When a guest in another’s house, you do not lie in bed until late morning in households that rise early – you fall in line with house norms. * Nonsense. The guest rises when they rise, unless there are scheduled activities.
*You should have hand-written a card to me. You have never written to thank me when you have stayed. * What year is it again? I would consider anyone doing this to be amazing, and anyone not doing this to be normal. I have hosted people for years, and never once received a card. I HAVE been handed a bottle of wine on their way out.
*You regularly draw attention to yourself. Perhaps you should ask yourself why. * Bitch question, unless the drawing of attention was through singing “Oklahoma” to the crowd at Trafalger Square.
No one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity style behaviour. Hmm - I guess that is why it is so easy to book one of the many castles in the UK. Except that it isn’t.
So - there is SOME behavior that IF I give the step-mother in-law credit (which I am not inclined to do), the young lady MIGHT be guilty of a bit of brach behavior. However, I am POSITIVE that the old hag is a bitch for sending this diatribe, for sending it in an email, and for not acting as the gracious hostess.
I don’t know who these people are, either, but surely pointing out your guest’s bad manners is one of those “even if you’re right, you’re wrong” things? I really can’t think of a situation where it wouldn’t be far, far more rude than whatever the other person did in the first place. (Possible exceptions: if the other person is your own kid, or is, say, a foreign exchange student who has come specifically for the purpose of learning about local customs and etiquette.)
Also, since when is it rude for a guest to sleep in if they want to?
A couple points I’d agree with, but several others that are dependent on context, interpretation or taste. And the presentation is awfully rude and presumptuous in itself, so it certainly undercuts any possible value it might have had even where the writer might be otherwise correct.
Miss Manners would say yes, it’s rude to point out another’s rudeness unless you are a parent, teacher or some other individual charged with informing others of proper etiquette.
Well, assuming any of the accusations of the mother in law are true, it looks like each of them has a little to learn about not being the center of the universe. If so, then they are a good match, because they cancel each other out and lessen the chance that some innocent bystander might be harmed.
And Freddie? It is funny how a letter like this can cause the mind to imagine a thousand details about him based on just a few words.
All in all I am not sure we are reading an email or a well thought out sitcom treatment.
I was wondering about this. Had the situations been reversed, would the writer have stayed in bed until everyone was up? Or, more likely, gotten up at the usual time, made breakfast and done other noisy things that’d wake up the rest of the house, all the while thinking about how lazy these people are?
Manners are seriously lacking on both sides. The future daughter-in-law doesn’t know how to behave in someone else’s house but the mother-in-law is demonstrating her own lack of manners in writing to the fiancee and attempting to correct her behaviour.
A silly move on the part of the future mother-in-law, but I think many of her criticisms are valid.
The scheduled activity was probably breakfast.
Mother-in-law hates fiance already. That much is clear.
IMHO, a good host, especially one who is hosting her future daughter-in-law, makes it clear that the guest is make themselves comfortable. Things should be pretty chill, I would think. That means, if we’re having dinner, and the girl spoons some more peas on her plate because she’s run out, what’s the big deal? I would take it as a compliment.
The announcing-what-foods-she-doesn’t-like would be impolite, definitely. It’s actually one of my pet peeves. But it would be something I would mention after I had become close to her rather than before.
Starting before everyone else is rude, yes, but it’s one of those things that some people are not taught at home. Like me. It was a rule I learned in college, while I was visiting a professor at his summer home. I decided to sample the fish before everyone had gotten to the table. That’s what I thought I was doing–just “sampling”. It was, after all, on my plate. But he told me it was rude, and I apologized. Still, it seems like such a minor breech of etiquette that I would have let it slide. Chances are the fiance would have absorbed the family’s culture eventually and learned that one on her own.
Sleeping in when no one else is a ridiculous nitpick. How is she supposed to know if everyone wakes up early? That reminds me of that scene in “Meet the Parents” when he stumbles into the kitchen in pajamas while everyone else is dressed and eating breakfast. If anything, that’s Freddie dropping the ball, not the fiance.
The mother-in-law does not come out looking good in my eyes. Most of these rude behaviors seem like the mistakes of a young person not used to being scrutinized by a bitchy mother-in-law.
Perhaps, but my take on this when having house guests has always been that they are welcome to sleep as late as they like, but they are most likely going to be on their own for putting together breakfast if they wake up after everyone else has already eaten. I’d point them toward the coffee pot and toast, etc. It’s never been an issue. We’ve managed for vegetarian guests, various flavors of kosher/non-gluten-eating/non-dairy-eating, and even vegan guests, and yet nobody was hungry. It’s really not that difficult.
If I was the girl’s friend, I would tell her to run far, far away.
Sure, some of the things she’s accused of doing are a bit thoughtless of her if true. But they all seem like relatively innocent she didn’t know better or she just wasn’t thinking kind of things. She wasn’t being *deliberately *rude. She’s probably young, and sometimes it takes experience to learn these things.
The future MIL, though? What a bitch. Deliberately mean, condescending, and RUDE.
So? If a guest sleeps through breakfast, they miss breakfast. The host is always obligated to point them toward some kind of food when they are up, but not to cook a meal at the guest’s convenience.
This is what I came in here to say. I loves me some Miss Manners.
Etiquette is in place to teach those who don’t know better through common sense, how to behave in a manner that makes social situations most comfortable for everyone involved. If you come across someone so uncivilized as to need rules of etiquette, but they don’t know them, or aren’t practicing them, then it is your job to be the ‘bigger person’ and avoid pointing their rudeness out to them.
That has always been my take on it, since I read Miss Manner’s column as a kid and heard her explain that only one in charge of grooming a person should point out breaches in manners (like you said, a teacher or parent).
Or why not, before turning in the night before, tell the fiance, “Hey, I was thinking about cooking up a nice breakfast for everyone. What time do you think you’ll be up?”
And the fiance would say, “Oh, I can get up around nine. Is that too late?”
“No, that’s fine!”
If the fiance said, “Oh, I usually sleep till noon. Just go ahead and eat without me,” then I would think THAT was rude. Because she would not allow her future mother-in-law to mother her. Also, it would be a missed opportunity to get to know her better. She could offer to help cook.
But it seems like the mother just assumed the girl would know when to wake up. Jeez, I’d really love that. Waking up every ten minutes to find out if people are up and about yet. That sounds like REAL fun. :rolleyes:
Depending on context, those are, generally, valid criticisms. However, that MIL is one raging cunt-beast.
Thank you for your email.
Your tips on how to conduct myself were much appreciated, however I can’t help thinking that if you had been better able to impart your wisdom to your son Freddie he never would have proposed to someone like me.
Love
Your future daughter-in-law